Figurines are Touring! It’s Totally Time for a Music-Themed Re-Interpretation of Everyone’s Favorite Danish Folk Tale, “The Troll Turned Cat”

The story goes that there lived an aging metal-vocal troll in North Jutland, Denmark. He was mean to all, and we'll call him "King Diamond" because he kind of looked like King Diamond. When King returned home from a long night pissing about at the tavern screaming about "Tetragrammaton," "family ghosts," and other such shit in his trademark makeup and top hat, he found his beautiful young bride in bed with one of the village's talented indie gringos. Some say this punk was fairly decent at handball also, which, as anyone with wits knows, is a proven panty-remover. Even in this notorious liberal country, this was too much for King. It sounds harsh, but imagine if you walked in on a sight like this! The brute was mad with pain and was about to challenge the whippersnapper to a "manhood and melody" clash, as was the mode of duel back then and is still now. He quickly remembered that his one-inch shrivel-pickle and tone deafness might have precipitated his piss-poor predicament in the first place. The shrapnel-voiced troll instead simply threatened the horny homewrecker by promising eventually to take his life. Fearing Diamond's retaliation the young up-and-cummer quickly decided to quit the scene entirely and turned himself into a cat. After all, he had heard tales of King's previous threats. He had often been heard proclaiming "death to false metal!" and believe me, although false metal is still living, it hasn't really been the same since. Anyway, the boy left and uprooted a few towns over with a lonely single man named Splat.

The newborn cat lived for quite a while, as comfortable as any starving-musician-turned-cat could possibly live: saucers of milk at the ready, nibbles of delicious food tossed from the supper table, and plenty of catnip for relaxin'. And who's going to turn down ample time for carefree licks at his own groinal region, I ask you? Life was a big bowl of coziness, or hygge if you prefer.

One day, Cat laid in wait for his master Splat to return from the hard grind at the Danish newspaper Jyllands-Posten, where he worked drawing cartoons of the Prophet Muhammad wearing a turban made of bombs. Upon his return, Splat bounded through the front door and called out to his four-legged friend, "I have to tell you what happened today min kat! I was walking home by way of and a bum rolled out of the bushes and said:

'Herre Splat

Tell yer cat

That King Diamond is dead.' "

The man-as-cat, as man-as-cats often do, stood up on his hind legs and with a bit of a cocky swagger, simply claimed, "Well, if what you say is true, I gotta bolt and go back from where I first came." Much to Splat's amazement, the cat then hurried over the hills (did I mention there were hills nearby?) and sure enough was losing no time at all making advances toward his old flame, the fresh young widow.

There may be more to this bizarre folk tale than I care to remember (or have time to make up right now), but I will conclude the yarn by saying the young music man eventually told his beloved to eff off, and then he went and formed a band with three fellow countrymen called Figurines, who are loved to this day.

Oh Tiny children of the Mix Tape, Figurines have now traveled to the Northern Americas to play their little ceramic hearts out. And because everyone knows how in-demand Danish indie pop is to turntablists, their excellent second album, Skeleton, will be available on vinyl via The Control Group. By the way, here's the moral of the uselessness posted above: don't swear vengence on Figurines at any of the shows below or these well hung, gifted Danes just may steal your girlfriend or turn into a cat or, er, abandon you after a bit of time.

Um, or something.

10.23.06 - Chicago, IL - Schubas
10.24.06 - Minneapolis, MN - 400 Bar
10.27.06 - Los Angeles, CA - Spaceland
10.28.06 - San Francisco, CA - Rickshaw Stop
10.30.06 - Portland, OR - Doug Fir Lounge
10.31.06 - Seattle, WA - Crocodile Cafe #
11.01.06 - New York, NY - Mercury Lounge (CMJ)
11.02.06 - New York, NY - Cake Shop (CMJ Juryrig Party)

* w/ You Am I
# w/ The Ark

North Korea May Be Preparing for a 2nd Nuclear Test, But Did You Hear That Scarlett Johansson Will Cover Tom Waits?

You considered your mind blown after you watched The Island alone in your room with no clothes on, giggling to yourself, saying, "Wow, this actually is a great movie, but I can't tell anyone."

Yes, Scarlett Johansson has often been the culprit to guilty pleasures, such as North, Home Alone 3, and the pornographic classic My Brother the Pig, but now Miss Johansson is adding something shocking to that list. In fact, it is so shocking that I almost pissed my pants when I heard the news. Luckily, I received a catheter for my birthday, and everything went as smooth as jelly.

Fox News, the most trusted name in news among people too lame for TMT, broke the scandalous story that Johansson will be releasing a debut album compiled of Tom Waits tunes. Slated for 2007, the record will be aptly titled Scarlett Sings Tom Waits and distributed by Atco Records, a resurrected branch of Rhino. It is also official that everyone at Fox News should quit their job. Let's face it: there is nothing left to report. Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan sure could have learned a lesson from Scarlett. You don't have to make an album of your own material. Why not just blatantly desecrate a legend? There is still no word from Waits himself over the "breaking news," but I'm sure he'll get an advance copy, listen to it alone in his room, giggling to himself, "Wow, this is actually a great cover album, but I can't tell anyone."

So I'm going to go ahead and jump courageously out on a limb and say that TMT will be giving this album a 5/5 or beyond. And in case you were patiently wondering, the answer is yes! For the perverts, meaning daily readers, of TMT: Johansson's boobs will be singing a duet on the album. Start bugging your local record store now, folks. This is going to be huge!

Group Records Anti-Immigration Song About Moving to Mexico and Being Jerks; Record Played Constantly at the Vice Offices

"I'm not one of these in-your-face political people," Rita Jones, 57, told The San Antonio Express News in a recent article. "I'm not bitter. I'm not a racist. But there are so many illegals in the country now, that it has gotten out of hand."

Jones, a former public library secretary, wrote the lyrics to "So long Texas — Hello Mexico," a song about a U.S. citizen who decides to leave Texas, go to Mexico, and become a burden to their society by driving with no liability and singing the Mexican national anthem in English. Hmmm... now why would they want to go Mexico?!?! Oh... to prove a satirical point. Add one to the irresponsible Mexican stereotype. SLAM DUNK FOR WHITEY.

Well, Jones passed the song onto Johnnie Bradshaw, local DJ/country musician/town genius in Waco since the 1970s, who decided he would get a band together and record this ditty under the name Johnny Tex and the Texicans. Since then, "So long Texas — Hello Mexico!" has reached a rather large audience through that great niche forum, The I.N.T.E.R.N.E.T., receiving 1,000 hits on its first day alone. Hundreds of CDs have been sold. The morning show at the top radio station in Waco picked the song up.

Okay, so the song's not necessarily blowing up, but it sure does reflect something nasty.

"The only people offended are those here illegally," said Rita Jones, secretly thinking about the Hispanic kid that messed up her burrito order that morning. She noted to the Express News that she would rather be remembered for love songs.

Here's another tasty tidbit from that article: "William Gheen, president of Americans for Legal Immigration, a political action committee based in Raleigh, N.C., said he's urging all his 7,000 supporters to ask radio stations across the country to play the song." Whoa! New marketing strategy for indie career-rock artists: songs about the conservative political agenda. OK Go will probably give it a shot once they have exhausted that whole "dance in a novelty video" thing.

But we here at Tiny Mix Tapes have to stand for something, I guess. That's why we're writing our own pro-immigration song in response to the Johnny Tex and the Texicans tune. You know, it's got nothing to do with politics. We just want to ride the whole marketing wave to a TRL #1. E-mail your name and home address here and you will receive a TMT-sanctioned, pro-immigration CD-R within whenever we want. Then hopefully you run your own music blog and will be able to review it and get us in the echo chamber. But, of course, we would rather be rememberd for our love songs.

"So long Texas — Hello Mexico!" can be heard or downloaded here and the lyrics can be found right here at TMT:

So long Texas!

Hello Mexico

I'm gonna swim the Rio Grande

At El Paso

I'm leaving tonight

I ain't gonna pack

I'm only takin' the clothes

On my back

I'll drive a rattletrap car

With no liability

I'll demand equal rights

Though I'm there illegally

I'll protest the streets

'Til they finally grant 'em

Sing English words

To their national anthem

Group Records Anti-Immigration Song About Moving to Mexico and Being Jerks; Record Played Constantly at the Vice Offices

"I'm not one of these in-your-face political people," Rita Jones, 57, told The San Antonio Express News in a recent article. "I'm not bitter. I'm not a racist. But there are so many illegals in the country now, that it has gotten out of hand."

Jones, a former public library secretary, wrote the lyrics to "So long Texas — Hello Mexico," a song about a U.S. citizen who decides to leave Texas, go to Mexico, and become a burden to their society by driving with no liability and singing the Mexican national anthem in English. Hmmm... now why would they want to go Mexico?!?! Oh... to prove a satirical point. Add one to the irresponsible Mexican stereotype. SLAM DUNK FOR WHITEY.

Well, Jones passed the song onto Johnnie Bradshaw, local DJ/country musician/town genius in Waco since the 1970s, who decided he would get a band together and record this ditty under the name Johnny Tex and the Texicans. Since then, "So long Texas — Hello Mexico!" has reached a rather large audience through that great niche forum, The I.N.T.E.R.N.E.T., receiving 1,000 hits on its first day alone. Hundreds of CDs have been sold. The morning show at the top radio station in Waco picked the song up.

Okay, so the song's not necessarily blowing up, but it sure does reflect something nasty.

"The only people offended are those here illegally," said Rita Jones, secretly thinking about the Hispanic kid that messed up her burrito order that morning. She noted to the Express News that she would rather be remembered for love songs.

Here's another tasty tidbit from that article: "William Gheen, president of Americans for Legal Immigration, a political action committee based in Raleigh, N.C., said he's urging all his 7,000 supporters to ask radio stations across the country to play the song." Whoa! New marketing strategy for indie career-rock artists: songs about the conservative political agenda. OK Go will probably give it a shot once they have exhausted that whole "dance in a novelty video" thing.

But we here at Tiny Mix Tapes have to stand for something, I guess. That's why we're writing our own pro-immigration song in response to the Johnny Tex and the Texicans tune. You know, it's got nothing to do with politics. We just want to ride the whole marketing wave to a TRL #1. E-mail your name and home address here and you will receive a TMT-sanctioned, pro-immigration CD-R within whenever we want. Then hopefully you run your own music blog and will be able to review it and get us in the echo chamber. But, of course, we would rather be rememberd for our love songs.

"So long Texas — Hello Mexico!" can be heard or downloaded here and the lyrics can be found right here at TMT:

So long Texas!

Hello Mexico

I'm gonna swim the Rio Grande

At El Paso

I'm leaving tonight

I ain't gonna pack

I'm only takin' the clothes

On my back

I'll drive a rattletrap car

With no liability

I'll demand equal rights

Though I'm there illegally

I'll protest the streets

'Til they finally grant 'em

Sing English words

To their national anthem

Weasel Walter Wants Your Wallet

Pearls and Brass, the Drag City evil-boogie trio, are going to tour. The Indian Tower [TMT Review] was their first effort for the label that's pretty close to where I live, actually, and now the band needs to go around the country looking for where our reviewer Jspicer lives. "You only gave us a 2/5?!??! COME OUT!!! COME OUT OF YOUR HOLE!!!!! We'll call you bland and predictable, with a knife!"

Don't worry, Spice-baby. I'll never tell... for not money.

You can totally tell that some of the guys in this band have serious jobs, because the dates are so spread out:

10.20.06 - Annandale on the Hudson, NY - Bard College
10.21.06 - Middletown, CT - Wesleyan College
10.22.06 - Somerville, MA - PA's Lounge
11.11.06 - Philadelphia, PA - The Kyber (w/ Blue Cheer)
11.24.06 - Chicago, IL - Empty Bottle
11.26.06 - Denver, CO - Bender's
11.28.06 - Seattle, WA - Sunset Tavern
11.30.06 - Eugene, OR - Luckey's
12.01.06 - San Francisco, CA - Slim's (w/ Om)
12.02.06 - Big Sur, CA - Fernwood Resort

Weasel Walter Wants Your Wallet

Weasel Walter has made himself somewhat industrious, why ought I be impressed? So he’s releasing a bevy of albums of late, and I shan’t cachinnate nor chortle at this dispatch. So he and his westerly gamins and chippies have hatched the consequent presently: an XBXRX album afresh, a Lake of Dracula précis, scads of untrammeled jazz smashing and braying, a peregrination concomitantly with Lair of the Minotaur, a tardy (if I do say so) Flying Luttenbachers DVD, and doubtless legion other schemes. To wit, whilst haunting my local, well, haunt, the congregation was abuzz apropos his artistic foundation. I shall pluck up and estimate this is out of turn. For, cast thine eyes upon my very own conquests. I have heretofore consummated my own euphonical wanderings of the gelid septentrional and unfettered Horoscopo, a To Live and Shave in LA conspectus, and forthwith you can forestall your habitus for Noon and Eternity, Les Tricoteuses, Piper's Son, a Xiu Xiu reallineation, my dalliance with Black Meat, and surely more. Who is the better man? That is indubitably incognizable. My best admonition would be to perlustrate both of our corpora and adjudge for yourself. -Ommyth

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