Fucked Up Announce Tourdates; Annapocalypse Recalls Two Unrelated Fucked Up Non-Sequiturs

By Tiffani Harcrow on Sep 17 2008

On September 11, 2008, the Senate Judiciary Committee reported a piece of legislation called the Enforcement of Intellectual Property Rights Act, which passed through the committee by a 14-4 margin. If turned into law, the act would expand the federal government’s jurisdiction over copyright and counterfeiting cases. The RIAA-backed act grants federal prosecutors with the authority to slap P2P file-sharers in violation of copyright laws with civil lawsuits, while also establishing an intimidating-sounding position within the executive branch to oversee these more stringent IP laws — the IP Enforcement Coordinator.

I know this intellectual property rights business gets a little complicated, so why don’t I just let one of the original proponents of the bill, Democratic Vermont senator Patrick Leahy, explain the significance of these potential copyright laws:

I know first hand how important it is for criminal investigators, and the lawyers who prosecute those cases, to have a full arsenal of legal tools to ensure that justice is done. I also know how important the intellectual property industries are to our economy, and to our position as a global leader… The Vermont Teddy Bear Company relies heavily on its patented products.

See, the Justice Department isn’t using your tax money to pursue harmless file-sharers on behalf of billion-dollar industries such as the RIAA -- they’re leveling a crusade against evil counterfeiters bent on wiping out the wholesome mom and pop teddy bear industries that this country is built upon.

And combining what seems to be one of those MasterCard “priceless” advertisements with severe head trauma, Leahy further elaborates the importance of intellectual property rights to our national economy -- and the his own personal importance as a rising motion picture star:

I was once a prosecutor. I am now a Senator. But I have always been a fan of movies. My cameo in the latest Batman movie, The Dark Knight, was priceless to me but we can put real numbers on the value of that production to the economy.

Mitch Bainwol, CEO/Chairman of the RIAA, cheered the Senate panel’s decision, stating in a RIAA press release, “This legislation is a welcome verse in a great song.” So, in honor of the RIAA’s victory over individual privacy and decent metaphors, I’m announcing the kickoff of the completely imaginary “The RIAA is Conspiring with the Federal Government to Eradicate All Traces of Internet Privacy in a Desperate Ploy to Recoup Diminishing Revenue / Name that Tune Contest!” Because I think that there is a pretty good joke somewhere in there, especially if I pretend that the prize is an original teddy bear from the Vermont Teddy Bear Company.