In The Future, Indie Labels Will Be Sold on Craigslist to Young Girls Who Think Colin Meloy Is Cute

The year is 2007. The month is July. The future is bright. In this futuristic society that only exists in maybes and hyperboles, cars do not fly but baseball players hit homeruns like step-children, and shows are based on elevated reality.

One show, in particular, is Sweet Sixteen. This is shown on the futuristic channel called MTV. The idea behind MTV is to showcase music videos (hence the acronym). However, in this future society, the heads at MTV will rely on reality television. Sweet Sixteen will be a show that showcases whores in training (WITs) and their upcoming 16th birthday party. Since this is the future, the WITs are lavished with DJs, guest appearances by such stars as Lil’ Bow Wow, red carpet entrances, and parents who pretend they love them.

Parents will usually lavish their WITs with futuristic cars that have heated cup holders, flip-down DVD screens, and keg"eradors." However, I’m predicting one day there will come a time when some girl, some super-heavy-duty-extreme WIT will ask for an indie-rock record label. She will have eaten away her soul with episodes of The O.C. and Laguna Beach. She will have come to terms with bands such as Spoon and/or Modest Mouse and decide there is nothing more important to her existence than to own an indie-rock record label, for only then will she get to entertain the hearts of Adam Brody or Stephen Colletti.

Unfortunately, the future is now. And on the ever-so-hip want/buy/sell ad list known as Craigslist, there is an indie record label for sale. The asking price is 10,000 bones, and the label requests serious inquiries only. It promises contacts and existing relationships with national distributors, but it doesn't reveal exactly which label it is. We are assuming you have to contact the seller for that info.

Please take up this offer before some O.C. watching, flare jean-wearing, Hummer-driving WIT takes up the offer and ruins one of the last vestiges of the free world.

Thank you.

Mm..Shows? “Super!” Mm..Shoes? “Super!” Mm..Reissue? “Super!” MF Doom Is A MF-ing Busy MF-er

This summer, everyone's favorite Metal Face-d MC has prepared for his fans a three-course gourmet meal with all the fixings. Hope you're hungry, because by the time this is over, you'll have a lot on your plate.

Up first, right after the hors d'oeuvres and wine-tasting, is a succulent reissue of the rapper's 2004 album Mm..Food?, pan-seared and served tomorrow (July 24) alongside a bonus DVD of live and behind-the-scenes footage. This course was prepared by Rhymesayers Entertainment -- after almost two years of being out of circulation -- and will also be strictly offered as a seasonal dish in a limited-edition package that includes a tour poster, sticker, and, most notably, a scratch-n-sniff wrapper with the scent of chocolate.

Without even a week to digest the first of his offerings, Doom's spicing things up on his second course with an array of tourdates for those with a trans-continental palate starting July 19. As part of the Rock the Bells tour, MF Doom will be served char-broiled with a side of Wu-Tang Clan, Nas, UGK, Mos Def, and more. Delicious!

And as if your belt won't be feeling a little tight by then, dessert is still to come. For those of you with a sweet tooth, pastry chef Nike has you covered. A new pair of skateboarding high-tops designed by MF Doom himself are now available but sure as hell don't come cheap (talking about the shoes, not the labor). Expensive taste is expensive taste.

Well, I'm already stuffed just writing this story. Time to hit that Stairmaster.

Mm..Food? Tracklist:

Tourdates:
07.29.07 - New York, NY - Randall's Island (Rock the Bells)
08.08.07 - San Diego, CA - Canners
08.10.07 - Pomona, CA - Glasshouse
08.11.07 - San Bernardino, CA - Glen Helen Hyundai Pavilion (Rock the Bells)
08.12.07 - Los Angeles, CA - El Rey
08.15.07 - San Francisco, CA - Independent
08.16.07 - San Francisco, CA - Independent
08.18.07 - San Francisco, CA - McCovey Cove Parking Lot (Rock the Bells)
08.25.07 - Minneapolis, MN - Metrodome Parking Lot (Rock the Bells)
08.26.07 - Chicago, IL - Charter One Pavilion (Rock the Bells)
08.28.07 - Ann Arbor, MI - Blind Pig
08.29.07 - Detroit, MI - DTE Energy Music Center (Rock the Bells)

A friend of mine often says “Never can be too happy, never can be too sad.” I think he says it mostly to irritate me, because he knows full-well that many people (and me famously) can jump between sets of euphoric highs and heartbreaking lows in the span of a minute. These are particularly tough times for us extreme types. Whenever we are in an elated state for too long, some devastating horror story on the news flashes in front of our eyes or some devastating asshole cuts in front of us in line at Wendy’s and sends us plummeting down the sad ladder for a spell. Sigh. Sometimes the only thing you can do to keep inner peace is to completely block out the outside world and hermit for a bit while you take your daily dose of Dälek.

Emotional yo-yos throughout the world will rejoice when they hear that Newark, NJ hip-hop pioneers Dälek -- the hyper-dynamic duo of Dälek (MC) and Octopus (DJ) -- will be releasing their second album of 2007 tomorrow (July 24) entitled Deadverse Massive Vol. 1: Dälek Rarities 1999-2006 through Hydra Head. Following the release of the wonderful Abandoned Language (Ipecac) in February, the time is ripe for a Dälek compilation that contains a heap of remixes, rarities, and unreleased genre-defiling mindwarps. These types of collections are tough sells normally; too many of them are full of half-baked ideas resulting in half-assed albums. Thankfully, Dälek bake their ideas until they are done and give us whole-ass albums all of the time, forever reinventing themselves while always remaining unmistakably “Dälek.” It’s enough to make a grown man cry, or laugh hysterically, or scream, or sulk, or....

Here are the tracks on Deadverse Massive, complete with a crude ‘n’ confusing original release info legend you can cut out and keep in your wallet next to that four-year-old, unused condom. And the three-month-old soiled one. Congratulations on getting laid... now throw that shit out already!

1. Megaton (Deadverse Remix) *
2. Angst **
3. Ruin It, Ruin Them, Ruin Yourself, Then Ruin Me (Deadverse Remix) ***
4. Vague Recollection ****
5. Desolate Peasants *****
6. Rouge (Deadverse Remix) ******
7. 3:46 *******
8. In This City (Deadverse Remix) ********
9. Music for ASM *********
10. Streets All Amped **********
11. Ascention ***********
12. Maintain ************
13. Back to Burn *************

* from “Technoanimal vs. Dälek split 12” (Matador, 2000)

** previously unreleased (1999)

*** from Kid606 vs. Dälek split 12”/CD (Tigerbeat6, 2002)

**** from Kid606 vs. Dälek split 12”/CD (Tigerbeat6, 2002)

***** from Dälek vs. Velma split 12” (Namskeio, 2002)

****** from Dälek vs. Velma split 12” (Namskeio, 2002)

******* from Dälek vs. Dalek 7” (Man Vs. Ape, 2002)

******** from Enon’s In This City Remix EP (Touch & Go, 2003)

********* previously unreleased (2003)

********** from Streets All Amped 12” (Ad Noiseum, 2006)

*********** from Streets All Amped 12” (Ad Noiseum, 2006)

************ from Streets All Amped 12” (Ad Noiseum, 2006)

************* from Streets All Amped 12” (Ad Noiseum, 2006)

Harry Potter Has Huge Clientele, If You Know What I Mean

My more dedicated readers (looking at you, mom) may have noticed that I’ve been missing from the hallowed (OMG WAIT FOR IT!) pages from TMT this week. Well, I would apologize, but I’ve been reading every Harry Potter leak I can get my hands on. I’ve read the leak photographed on the red carpet, the leak photographed on the grey carpet, and the typed-out version of the leak photographed on the red carpet. Hell, I even read the 784 page fan-fiction. So now I present you, and I guess JK Rowlings legal team, the Official Tiny Mix Tapes Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows Spoilers Aggregate (® pending).

SPOILER ALERT! HIGHLIGHT TO READ!

SRSLY SPOILERS COMING UP!

LOTS OF THEM!

I’M NOT KIDDING! DON’T E-MAIL ME BEING ALL PISSY IF YOU READ THIS AND THE BOOK IS RUINED FOR YOU!

The Clientele is touring. Yeah, that was predictable and yet still a total letdown. Dates:

Disclaimer: I have never actually read a Harry Potter book, but I’m pretty sure it will turn out the Krum is Harry’s brother. You heard it here first.

Mr. Lif Tours, Wikipedia Continues to Kill Dreams, Steal Souls

Dear Reader, Baby, Sweetheart,

Here’s a tasty, dream-killin’, Wikipedia-provided truth: Everything comes full circle -- and Dave Matthews-listening, ice-luge-blistering, hot-wings-finger-licking-in-between-videogame-control-clicking dudes are omnipresent:

Mr. Lif’s pseudonym comes from a Phish song.

That he liked.

Seriously. A quick check of Wikipedia will kill your spirits.

Mr. Lif is hitting the open road for the hip-hop-you-don’t-stop Paid Dues Festival. He may or may not spark up a doobie with da’ boyz from Phish after the show.

You buy a Dutch Masters cigar and peel off the paper, I’ll roll us one... Oh, can that chick you’re bangin’ pick us up some Natty-light?:

Pinback Preps For Tour As I, Infirm With A Laid Up Left Mitt And Gorging On A 10-Day World Of Warcraft Trial, Engage In this Conversation With A Sexy Nightelf I Secretly Suspect To Be Pinback’s Rob Crow

PinBizRbCr: hi. do u wnt 2 cyb3r?

ShAzAmUrFaCe: thnx but I’m doin quests

PinBizRbCr: rofl.anywyas I”M MARRIED

ShAzAmUrFaCe: cool

PinBizRbCr: i’m in aband, u know

ShAzAmUrFaCe: who?

PinBizRbCr: ill g1ve you a clu. my cd dr0pz Sep 11

ShAzAmUrFaCe: um//

PinBizRbCr: k clu numbr 2, my webtsit rawks

ShAzAmUrFaCe: uh. i dunno. fallout boy?

PinBizRbCr bursts out in dance

ShAzAmUrFaCe: dood, dont rub your nightelf cooties on me

PinBizRbCr: I wll cut u. 8====D

You slap PinBizRbCr across the face. Ouch!

PinBizRbC has challenged you to a duel

ShAzAmUrFaCe: how bout a little kiss on my FIST

PinBizRbCr: oww

PinBizRbCr is dead

You receive: [indie street cred]

ShAzAmUrFaCe: pwnd

Count the Concrete Seconds to your tourdate of choice:

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