In The Future, Indie Labels Will Be Sold on Craigslist to Young Girls Who Think Colin Meloy Is Cute

The year is 2007. The month is July. The future is bright. In this futuristic society that only exists in maybes and hyperboles, cars do not fly but baseball players hit homeruns like step-children, and shows are based on elevated reality.

One show, in particular, is Sweet Sixteen. This is shown on the futuristic channel called MTV. The idea behind MTV is to showcase music videos (hence the acronym). However, in this future society, the heads at MTV will rely on reality television. Sweet Sixteen will be a show that showcases whores in training (WITs) and their upcoming 16th birthday party. Since this is the future, the WITs are lavished with DJs, guest appearances by such stars as Lil’ Bow Wow, red carpet entrances, and parents who pretend they love them.

Parents will usually lavish their WITs with futuristic cars that have heated cup holders, flip-down DVD screens, and keg"eradors." However, I’m predicting one day there will come a time when some girl, some super-heavy-duty-extreme WIT will ask for an indie-rock record label. She will have eaten away her soul with episodes of The O.C. and Laguna Beach. She will have come to terms with bands such as Spoon and/or Modest Mouse and decide there is nothing more important to her existence than to own an indie-rock record label, for only then will she get to entertain the hearts of Adam Brody or Stephen Colletti.

Unfortunately, the future is now. And on the ever-so-hip want/buy/sell ad list known as Craigslist, there is an indie record label for sale. The asking price is 10,000 bones, and the label requests serious inquiries only. It promises contacts and existing relationships with national distributors, but it doesn't reveal exactly which label it is. We are assuming you have to contact the seller for that info.

Please take up this offer before some O.C. watching, flare jean-wearing, Hummer-driving WIT takes up the offer and ruins one of the last vestiges of the free world.

Thank you.

Mike Skinner Drops His Creative Trans, The Streets Eat Their Feet and Discreetly Stretch Street Date

In 5.... 4.... 3..........

...Hello again, everybody and welcome back to KTMT, where it's time once again for your KTMT "Traffic On The Tuesdays" Road Report, giving you an up-to-the-minute, real-time look at your drive-time travel day! Traffic this week is brought to you by... uh...byyyy... well, by Tiny Mix Tapes! Tiny Mix Tapes: "With a Name This Lame, We've Got To be Cool."

Now, without further obvious diversion, here's a look at your TMT Traffic Outlook for Tuesday, July 24, 2007! Vroom, vroom, commuters:

> I-19 Inbound is tied up from Rural Route 3 all the way into downtown with an accident blocking two of the three available northbound lanes; all in all, it looks like a 73-minute trip to the junction at 87th Street.

> Right now, it's 25 minutes from the William Henry Harrison Memorial Expressway at Lake Street out to the Riverside Toll Road, and if you're thinking about taking the bridge out to the suburbs, think again, as a stalled Transit Authority bus has brought all traffic to a standstill while workers hurry to clear the area. No word as of yet on exactly when the blockage is expected to be cleared.

> Lastly, the road to British MC Mike Skinner's new record as The Streets seems to be experiencing some massive delays due to a serious roadblock that has apparently halted neuron traffic in the fame-paranoid rapper's main creative throughfare. Preliminary reports from the KTMT Traffic-Copter cite a post on Skinner's MySpace as the source of problem, wherein the particulars of Skinner's skid-out are detailed, as is the statement that this new Streets record, the follow-up to 2006's The Hardest Way to Make an Easy Living, is now scheduled to be under construction until early 2008.

When we managed to pull Skinner away from his jackhammer for a moment and asked him to comment on all of this unscheduled Streets construction, the reluctant rapper replied "Making an album when you're quite well known is a bit stressful. I've had to accept this week that because my album isn't quite right yet it won't be coming out this year."

While fans of minimalist, storytelling, everyman nu-rap hoping to pick up the latest Streets disc may be miffed to find themselves stuck in traffic for quite a while, it seems to be Skinner himself who is experiencing the brunt of the road rage. "I think I've got the makings of a great record," the addled MC explained, "but I've been working so hard on it my head is spinning at the end of every day, and when I wake up each morning the first thing I feel is panic."

Thankfully, however, Skinner is trying his best not to drive angry while he navigates his way through the bottleneck. "I've decided to try to get some distance from it while we do this Scotland tour, Get Loaded (In The Park) and Ibiza. This also means I'll maintain my tidy pattern of releasing an album in 2002, 2004, 2006 and, now, 2008." No word yet as to exactly when all of the lanes will re-open in 2008, but The Streets are scheduled to play a handful of 'cross-the-pond shows throughout the summer, including the Ibiza Rocks festival August 6, which should at least keep European commuters mildly entertained while they wait out the nasty six-month trip to their nearest record store.

And now, Weather:
07.24.07 - Inverness, Scotland - Ironworks
07.25.07 - Aberdeen, Scotland - Moshulu
07.26.07 - Dundee, Scotland - Fat Sam's
07.27.07 - Edinburgh, Scotland - Liquid Room
07.28.07 - Glasgow, Scotland - ABC
08.04.07 - Odemira, UK - Sudoeste Festival
08.06.07 - Ibiza, Spain - Ibiza Rocks Festival
08.18.07 - Hasselt, UK - Pukkelpop Festival
08.25.07 - Coppersfield-Cardiff, Whales - Cardiff Calling-Coopers
08.26.07 - London, UK - Get Loaded in the Park 2007-Clapham Common

Government Issue Frontman John Stabb Assaulted; Benefits Being Planned

On July 17, John Stabb (of Government Issue) was assaulted a block from his home by five youths to the point of requiring "extensive" facial surgery and an indefinite hospital stay. As a result of mounting medical expenses, limited insurance benefits, and potential wage loss, a benefit campaign has been launched.

In addition to a potential auction, a concert benefit concert is in the planning stages. At press time, bands expressing interest in playing the concert (still in the speculation stages, mind you) include Against Me! and Connecticut hardcore veterans 76% Uncertain. Meanwhile, information on financial donations and updates on the situation can be found at this website.

Read Stabb's own account of the incident and receive updates on the situation here. Here's to a speedy recovery, John. "Rock and Roll Bullshit" is one of my all-time favorite songs.

Defendant’s Attorney Fees Ordered To Be Paid By Capitol Records, RIAA Loses Lawsuit; See Also: David and Goliath (1 Samuel 17:1-58) [Abridged]

...
4 A champion named Capitol, who was from Hollywood, came out of the Philistine camp. He was over nine feet tall.
5 He had a bronze helmet on his head and wore a coat of scale armor of bronze weighing five thousand shekels,
6 on his legs he wore bronze greaves, and a bronze javelin was slung on his back.
7 His spear shaft was like a weaver's rod, and its iron point weighed six hundred shekels. His shield bearer, the RIAA, went ahead of him.

...
12 Now Amanda was the daughter of a woman named Debbie, who was from Bethlehem in Judah (or not).

...
17 Now Debbie said to her daughter Amanda, "Take this ephah of roasted grain and these ten loaves of bread to Limewire and downloadeth some Avril Lavigne.
20 Early in the morning Amanda left the flock with a shepherd, loaded up and set out, as Debbie had directed. She reached the camp as the army was going out to its battle positions, shouting the war cry and downloading tunes.
21 The file-sharer and Capitol Records were drawing up their lines facing each other.

...
50 So Amanda triumphed over the RIAA with a sling and a stone; without a sword in her hand she struck down the RIAA and killed him.
51 Amanda ran and stood over Capitol. She took hold of Capitol's sword and drew it from the scabbard. After she killed him, she cut off his head with the sword. When the RIAA saw that their hero was dead, they turned and ran.

As demonstrated in the Old Testament, a milestone for P2P-ers everywhere is upon us; a giant has fallen -- the RIAA has been ordered in a court of law to pay lawyer fees in its Capitol Records, Inc. vs. Debbie Foster and Amanda Foster case. On the strength of their counterclaims of declaratory judgment, the Fosters have been awarded $68,685.23, the only defendant ever awarded a sum against an RIAA member. The RIAA has since issued a statement, assuring its quivering masses that this was a judge's mistake and an "isolated occurrence" to never be relived. Only time will tell, but for now rejoice, Israelites, rejoice!

Mm..Shows? “Super!” Mm..Shoes? “Super!” Mm..Reissue? “Super!” MF Doom Is A MF-ing Busy MF-er

This summer, everyone's favorite Metal Face-d MC has prepared for his fans a three-course gourmet meal with all the fixings. Hope you're hungry, because by the time this is over, you'll have a lot on your plate.

Up first, right after the hors d'oeuvres and wine-tasting, is a succulent reissue of the rapper's 2004 album Mm..Food?, pan-seared and served tomorrow (July 24) alongside a bonus DVD of live and behind-the-scenes footage. This course was prepared by Rhymesayers Entertainment -- after almost two years of being out of circulation -- and will also be strictly offered as a seasonal dish in a limited-edition package that includes a tour poster, sticker, and, most notably, a scratch-n-sniff wrapper with the scent of chocolate.

Without even a week to digest the first of his offerings, Doom's spicing things up on his second course with an array of tourdates for those with a trans-continental palate starting July 19. As part of the Rock the Bells tour, MF Doom will be served char-broiled with a side of Wu-Tang Clan, Nas, UGK, Mos Def, and more. Delicious!

And as if your belt won't be feeling a little tight by then, dessert is still to come. For those of you with a sweet tooth, pastry chef Nike has you covered. A new pair of skateboarding high-tops designed by MF Doom himself are now available but sure as hell don't come cheap (talking about the shoes, not the labor). Expensive taste is expensive taste.

Well, I'm already stuffed just writing this story. Time to hit that Stairmaster.

Mm..Food? Tracklist:

Tourdates:
07.29.07 - New York, NY - Randall's Island (Rock the Bells)
08.08.07 - San Diego, CA - Canners
08.10.07 - Pomona, CA - Glasshouse
08.11.07 - San Bernardino, CA - Glen Helen Hyundai Pavilion (Rock the Bells)
08.12.07 - Los Angeles, CA - El Rey
08.15.07 - San Francisco, CA - Independent
08.16.07 - San Francisco, CA - Independent
08.18.07 - San Francisco, CA - McCovey Cove Parking Lot (Rock the Bells)
08.25.07 - Minneapolis, MN - Metrodome Parking Lot (Rock the Bells)
08.26.07 - Chicago, IL - Charter One Pavilion (Rock the Bells)
08.28.07 - Ann Arbor, MI - Blind Pig
08.29.07 - Detroit, MI - DTE Energy Music Center (Rock the Bells)

A friend of mine often says “Never can be too happy, never can be too sad.” I think he says it mostly to irritate me, because he knows full-well that many people (and me famously) can jump between sets of euphoric highs and heartbreaking lows in the span of a minute. These are particularly tough times for us extreme types. Whenever we are in an elated state for too long, some devastating horror story on the news flashes in front of our eyes or some devastating asshole cuts in front of us in line at Wendy’s and sends us plummeting down the sad ladder for a spell. Sigh. Sometimes the only thing you can do to keep inner peace is to completely block out the outside world and hermit for a bit while you take your daily dose of Dälek.

Emotional yo-yos throughout the world will rejoice when they hear that Newark, NJ hip-hop pioneers Dälek -- the hyper-dynamic duo of Dälek (MC) and Octopus (DJ) -- will be releasing their second album of 2007 tomorrow (July 24) entitled Deadverse Massive Vol. 1: Dälek Rarities 1999-2006 through Hydra Head. Following the release of the wonderful Abandoned Language (Ipecac) in February, the time is ripe for a Dälek compilation that contains a heap of remixes, rarities, and unreleased genre-defiling mindwarps. These types of collections are tough sells normally; too many of them are full of half-baked ideas resulting in half-assed albums. Thankfully, Dälek bake their ideas until they are done and give us whole-ass albums all of the time, forever reinventing themselves while always remaining unmistakably “Dälek.” It’s enough to make a grown man cry, or laugh hysterically, or scream, or sulk, or....

Here are the tracks on Deadverse Massive, complete with a crude ‘n’ confusing original release info legend you can cut out and keep in your wallet next to that four-year-old, unused condom. And the three-month-old soiled one. Congratulations on getting laid... now throw that shit out already!

1. Megaton (Deadverse Remix) *
2. Angst **
3. Ruin It, Ruin Them, Ruin Yourself, Then Ruin Me (Deadverse Remix) ***
4. Vague Recollection ****
5. Desolate Peasants *****
6. Rouge (Deadverse Remix) ******
7. 3:46 *******
8. In This City (Deadverse Remix) ********
9. Music for ASM *********
10. Streets All Amped **********
11. Ascention ***********
12. Maintain ************
13. Back to Burn *************

* from “Technoanimal vs. Dälek split 12” (Matador, 2000)

** previously unreleased (1999)

*** from Kid606 vs. Dälek split 12”/CD (Tigerbeat6, 2002)

**** from Kid606 vs. Dälek split 12”/CD (Tigerbeat6, 2002)

***** from Dälek vs. Velma split 12” (Namskeio, 2002)

****** from Dälek vs. Velma split 12” (Namskeio, 2002)

******* from Dälek vs. Dalek 7” (Man Vs. Ape, 2002)

******** from Enon’s In This City Remix EP (Touch & Go, 2003)

********* previously unreleased (2003)

********** from Streets All Amped 12” (Ad Noiseum, 2006)

*********** from Streets All Amped 12” (Ad Noiseum, 2006)

************ from Streets All Amped 12” (Ad Noiseum, 2006)

************* from Streets All Amped 12” (Ad Noiseum, 2006)

  

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