They kick around the bottom of your car until you break them beyond repair and throw them out of your window where they lay until a colorful homeless character or loveable street urchin picks them off the concrete and places them on his or her forehead with a defiant middle finger of rebellion which will be their style trademark until they die. Where was I? Oh, Ray-Bans, those most revered of worldly objects. Without them, most Hollywood movie posters wouldn’t be the same (what would the seductive, sly minx cover halves of their eyes with?). Without them, CSI Miami’s David Caruso wouldn’t have a reliable prop to swipe off his face every time a particularly difficult line of dialogue has him beat. Without them, the owner of the Sunglass Hut chain of mall kiosks (allegedly a Señor Sunny Hutt) and many market stall scammers would take a huge hit in sales and would have to rely on paying the rent with cheap foldable Ferrari mirror shades. Without them, colossal wussies the world over, from Corey Feldman to Freddie Prinze, wouldn’t even dream of attempting to front with a tough-guy stance.

Ray-Ban, makers of the things that hang from the neck-hole of your Ron-Jon surf shirts, have teamed up with MySpace (we are posting a helpful link here because we are well aware that most people have never ever heard of MySpace), the web-based social networking site that isn’t Facebook, to present a battle-of-the-bands contest with entrants competing for the ultimate prize of performing at the Rolling Stone 40th Anniversary party in Las Vegas and at a SXSW Ray-Ban party. The sunglasses king will be offering free downloads from Tokyo Police Club and Mando Diao and personalized web pages as part of this promotion and contest as well.

[Because we always have the inside scoop on these sorts of industry and commercial product tie-in type things, rumors are swirling around the celebrity gossip toilet bowl that Tom Cruise -- the ultimate Ray-Ban icon ("wayfarers" in Risky Business, "aviators" in Top Gun, ‘nuff said!) -- will appear at one emerging artist’s doorstep with holsters full of Mrs. Butterworth’s and Molly McButter to personally feed the lucky so-and-sos an arm-length stack of flapjacks while he reads the Ray-Ban bio, using all of the accents he has perfected as a method actor of the stage and silver screen for more than 20 years now! You’ll get Tom with his “OI’m oireesh” Far and Away brogue reciting the early history of Ray-Ban’s traveling hucksters peddling hand-made sunglasses made from coathangers and wax paper from village to village in the old country (Reseda, CA). The rest of the story will be told using his Jerry Maguire voice, which is actually his regular speaking voice and the one he uses for every role he has ever done, except in the aforementioned garbage Far and Away movie.]

We love promotional contest bullshit here at TMT so we think you should enter this contest and make both the floundering Ray-Ban and MySpace companies happy. The contest was scheduled to start June 15, but I can’t for the life of me find an appropriate info and entry link. Too bad too, because I was primed to ask people to click on "this flash splash trash right hizz-ash!" Regardless, if instant and fleeting pseudo-celebrity is what you crave, you will be able to find the details soon enough. Never pretend. Never be afraid. Never give up. Never Hide. Buy more Ray-Bans! Surf Myspace! Buy more Ray-Bans! Watch MySpace! Buy more Ray-Bans! Love MySpace! Buy more Ray-Bans! Live MySpace! Buy more! More! More! More! Bleeeaaarrrgghhh... drool... puke....

Gravy Train!!!! Dishes Out All The Sweet Stuff: A delicious treat featuring roller disco workouts, Lenny Kravitz references, sex, food, ’90s pop culture, frat parties; I still don’t know how many exclamation points go at the end their name…

Gravy Train's newest release All The Sweet Stuff hits the shelves July 10 courtesy of Cochon Records. The album, the band's third full-length following 2005's Are You Wigglin'? and the ever-popular Hello Doctor from 2003, features cameos by some of Earth's finest: Imperial Teen's Hey Willpower, Junior Senior's Jeppe, and Johnny Makeup of Queer-rap-favorites VIP. The album was produced by Bay Area disco and R&B legends Sugar and Gold, who will accompany The Train for six days on the latter half of their Summer tour.

Listen to new GT tracks at their MySpace page.

All The Sweet Stuff tracklist:

1. All The Sweet Stuff
2. Wutcha Wutcha Wutcha Wutcha Wutcha Wutcha Doin' Tonite?
3. Club Situation
4. Solo J/O
5. D.A.N.N.Y.
6. The Hair Stare
7. Strip 4 Me
8. Just Listen
9. Hey Jody
10. Call Me in French
11. Frat Party
12. A Delicious Treat

Wutcha Wutcha Wutcha Wutcha Wutcha Wutcha Doin' Tonite? Uhh, gettin' on The Train, DUH!:

* Okmoniks

^ SSion

# Amanda Blank

$ VIP

@ Quintron & Miss Pussycat

& Sugar and Gold

Kelly Clarkson Hates Money, Loves Self, Inadvertently Becomes Litmus Test for Artist Integrity, Former Spice Girls Stunned at Superior Display of ‘Girl Power,’ Wonder What a ‘Litmus Test’ Is

How much cred does YOUR band have?

Ever wonder how your band or group stacks-up in the grand scheme of that whole "damn-the-man," "too high to die," rock 'n' roll scene? (You know, the one that none of us knew about until Cameron Crowe told us about it??)

Well, keep wonderin', o' ye aspiring students of the School of Rock (you know, the one that none of us knew about until Jack Black told us about it?? Man, I love the movies!), because y'all just got taught a new lesson by one of the most devil-may-care rockers in the business.
Mick Jagger? Keith Richards? Think again.

Iggy Pop??? Not quite.

Tim Armstrong?!?! Okay, who said that one?

Nope. When it comes to indie-cred these days, there is only one name: Kelly "The Real Queen Bitch" Clarkson!

That's right, boys and girls! The American Idol mega-star struck a blow for now-antiquated notions of creative control and artistic integrity in pop music when she recently got all Uma Thurman on Grammy-winning record producer/RCA head-reptile Clive Davis concerning the contents of her new album, My December,, due June 26 on RCA. According to a recent interview with Elle Magazine (yeah, yeah), the cute lil' popstar was anything-but when she roared and rampaged against the 75-year-old Davis' bald-headed beseechery that she accept $10 million dollars in exchange for allowing him to ditch five of the album's songs and replace them with "more radio-friendly" picks of his choosing.

"I've sold more than 15 million records worldwide and still nobody listens to what I have to say because I'm 25 and a woman," K-Claw crabbed. "My resistance upsets a lot of people, because we could make a lot of money. And I'm not hatin' on money. But you know in Funny Girl, when they make Barbara Streisand sing the 'Beautiful Girl' song, and she is singing these lyrics and she knows she's not that person? I'm just not comfortable doing things that don't feel like me."

Meee-yowww, right fellas? Uh... I mean...

The commendably confident Clarkson has also apparently fired her long-time manager, Jeff Kwatinetz of L.A.-based management company The Firm, over the December-related controversy, according to reports earlier this week. "It is true. It just happened. It is a total shock, but she wasn't happy," said a source, adding that Clarkson has not yet decided on a new manager. Another source adds, "They majorly disagreed over the album and the direction and Kelly had enough."

"Had enough," eh? Sounds like Punk Rawk talk to me, ladies and gentlemen. Take that, industry! Yeah!

But not so fast. The ever-stalwart star subsequently released her own softer-sided statement this past Tuesday evening, stating that she has been "so fortunate to be supported by so many talented people in all corners of the music business. Those guys at the Firm did a good job and I really appreciate everything they did."

Say whaaa? Okay, so maybe she's not as Tank Girl as we thought, but still...

So what does all of this torrid controversy mean for the impending release of My December at the end of this month? Will K-Claw's own tunes and true-to-self aesthetic prevail against naysayers like Davis? Or will a community of ruthless critics and disappointed fans soon be flooding magazines and blogs with egregious "Wake Me Up When December Ends" headlines?? Who's to say? But at least the Pop Superstar can be proud to be sitting on top of a record that she actually took creative responsibility for. I heard somewhere that some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this...

In other news, Kelly just cancelled her summer tour due to low ticket sales. Ouch.

Skaters Branch Out into Europe, Interactive Family Entertainment

In an unlikely move, perhaps inspired by the antics of their undoubted hero Tony Hawk, I’m delighted to report that those voice-manipulating scoundrels Skaters have gone ahead and produced a video game of their own! I’m lucky enough to have a copy, and you square-eyed shitheels have definitely never played NO game like this before.

First of all, you’ve got to kneel down to play. It’s super-important, though, that you face away from the TV when kneeling, to get the full "you are The Skaters and you are playing LIVE in front of 16 people" experience. First step before you play is to attach some included sensor thingies to your head, and instead of using your bog-standard controller, you are given an analog box with a shitload of knobs. You have no idea what the individual knobs do prior to playing, which of course mirrors The Skaters’ own approach to their equipment. Then the fun begins! As you start the game, you stoop forward on your knees and, perfectly rhythmically, bob your head up and down. Then, you start groaning looong and loooouuud into a three-dollar mic (also included with the game), all the while furiously twiddling the aforementioned knobs back and forth. The object of the game, of course, is to produce drones which are as impenetrably murky and twisted as you can manage, whilst maintaining a diligent and forceful regimen of head-nodding. I found doing the two things at once rather difficult, but man, it was so KILLER trying! Naturally, turning around to look at the TV screen at any point will be picked up by the head sensors and results in the immediate end of the game.

The game is being produced by Fag Games, is only available for the Atari Jaguar system, and is limited to a single pressing of 57 hand-numbered and spray-painted copies. As a bonus, if you live in the Ypsilanti area, John Olsen’ll come round and custom spray-paint your game console for you, if your parents will let him in. Unfortunately -- you knew this was coming, diddentcha? -- the game is pretty much sold out right now. But hope remains for you Skaters-lovin’ dudes over in old Europa town. You might be able to pick up a copy on their EUROPEAN TOUR which starts today! Just saunter on up to the merch desk and ask those dudes if they have any copies of the game left.

Complete walkthrough:
06.15.07 - London, UK - Whitechapel Art Gallery
06.16.07 - Leeds, UK - Holy Trinity Church (w/Sunroof!)
06.17.07 - Nottingham, UK - Rose Of England
06.18.07 - Sheffield, UK - Red House
06.22.07 - Brussels, Belgium - Bunker
06.23.07 - Amsterdam, Netherlands - OCII
06.24.07 - Amsterdam, Netherlands - VPRO radio show
06.25.07 - Den Haag, Netherlands - Helbaard
06.26.07 - Paris, France - Instants Chavires (w/Taurpis Tula)
06.27.07 - Bordeaux, France - La Centralle
06.28.07 - Bilbao, Spain - Openmem
06.30.07 - Lisbon, Portugal - Galeria Zé dos Bois (w/Taurpis Tula)
07.01.07 - Lisbon, Portugal - Galeria Zé dos Bois

All dates also with Tight Meat Duo and Heather Leigh

Daft Punk Become Human After All, Following Electroma Screenings and a DVD Release on Vice; Short Circuit 2 is Still an Awesome Movie

Plot Outline #1 - Two robots go on a quest to become humans.

Plot Outline #2 - In a dystopic and crime ridden Detroit, a terminally wounded cop returns to the force as a powerful cyborg with submerged memories haunting him.

Plot Outline #3 - A robot wants to become human as he gains human emotions more and more.

Plot Outline #4 - Robot Johnny Five comes to the city and gets manipulated by criminals who want him for their own purposes.

Plot Outline #5 - A highly advanced robotic boy longs to become "real" so he can regain the love of his human mother.

Plot Outlines 1-5 are either the films Robocop, A.I., Bicentinal Man, Short Circuit 2, or the new Daft Punk film Electroma. The answer is:

All of those plots were Short Circuit 2, i.e., the best film ever made. Too bad there hasn't been a funny robot movie in a while. Rush Hour 3 better just be robots, or I am going to kill myself violently in a Starbucks in front of all of my friends and family. Perhaps I should calm down though, seeing as there is at least one robot film to look forward to this summer. Uh, no. Not Transformers. Did you know Michael Bay is already promising up to a 5th Transformers sequel? Yeah, what a douche!

Anyway, you can be relieved with the release of the robot meets indie/art film, Electroma, which features the quest of two robotic forms of Daft Punk to become humans. The 74-minute film was written and directed by the French House duo (Guy-Manuel de Homem-Christo and Thomas Bangalter) themselves. The screening at last year's Cannes Film Festival caused people to leave during the drawn-out desert/hiking scene, which led critics to unabashedly compare the film to Vincent Gallo's shit-tank of cinematic incompetence, The Brown Bunny. Unless a film is staring Vince Vaughn, it can no longer be praised. Fortunately, there have been better receptions this year at Paris showings, applauding the film for its style and soundtrack.

Although I know you're bummed there is no theatrical re-release of Short Circuit 2 or even a cleverly done Bicentennial Man 2: The Attack of Flubber, you can still get your "robot on" by checking out one of the few American or Canadian screenings this summer or waiting until the DVD is released this fall on Vice in America and on Aztec International Entertainment in Australia.

Screening Dates for Electroma:
06.28.07 - Calgary, Canada - Stride Gallery (Sled Island Festival)
06.29.07 - Los Angeles, CA - New Beverly Cinema
07.28.07 - Miami, FL - Studio A
09.08.07 - Montreal, Canada - Osheaga Festival At Parc Jean-Drapeau
09.09.07 - Montreal, Canada - Osheaga Festival At Parc Jean-Drapeau

Jack White Is Not Quite Perfect; The White Stripes Reschedule Dates, Still Rule The World

It is impossible to deny that Jack White has ruled the 21st century. Player hate on him, he'll beat your face in. Consistent, tough as nails, rich, fortunate, and prolific -- Jack White is all of these things. Let's go over some of his more recent accomplishments and then you try and tell me he isn't the rock star of our generation. I want to start with what I like to consider the turning point in White's career, when he made the transition from novelty sideshow freak to immortal and untouchable:

- After getting paid to record the Von Bondies album, White pounded lead Bondie Jason Somethingorother until the dude looked like a swollen red apple that got mauled by a rottweiler.

Then,

- The Flaming Lips wrote a song about Jack White.

- Electric Six paid White $60,000 (!) to sing on one fucking song.

- He wrote music for the soundtrack and acted in Cold Mountain. Picked up Renée Zellweger and another paycheck in the process.

- White broke his hand in a car accident and had the surgery taped -- and people watched.

- The man married a model and had a baby.

- White recorded a song for a Coca-Cola commercial that ended up being the best jingle I've heard in years. The ad aired once or twice but Jack laughed all the way to the bank.

- Got sick of Meg, called the boys, hung out, dropped The Raconteurs' Broken Boy Soldiers.

- Icky Thump, The White Stripes' new album, comes out June 19 and has already been deemed SPIN and Rolling Stone's number 1 album of 2007.

I think you get the idea; this man is hot shit. Surprisingly, he's also human and has put some morons in charge of his touring schedule. As a result, The White Stripes were forced to cancel a chunk of their upcoming tour, but in typical fashion, White comes out on top, rescheduling all of the dates. And there are a lot of them. The White Stripes will play a free show in Los Angeles for about 200 fans next Wednesday, one day after playing a record-release show at New York's Filmore. Tickets for the New York show go on sale 10 A.M. on Saturday at the Irving Plaza box office. New York, LA, then the world:
06.17.07 - Manchester, TN - Bonnaroo Festival
06.19.07 - New York, NY - The Filmore (Mescalito Holmes)
06.20.07 - Los Angeles, CA - Free Everywhere!
06.24.07 - Burnaby, British Columbia - Deer Lake Park
06.25.07 - Whitehorse, Yukon - Yukon Arts Centre
06.26.07 - Yellowknife, Northwest Territories - Shorty Brown Multiplex Arena
06.27.07 - Iqaluit, Nunavut - Arctic Winter Games Arena
06.29.07 - Calgary, Alberta - Pengrowth Saddledome
06.30.07 - Edmonton, Alberta - Shaw Convention Center
07.01.07 - Saskatoon, Saskatchewan - TCU Place
07.02.07 - Winnipeg, Manitoba - MTS Centre
07.03.07 - hunder Bay, Ontario - Community Auditorium
07.05.07 - Toronto, Ontario - Molson Amphitheatre
07.06.07 - Montreal, Quebec - Bell Centre
07.07.07 - London, Ontario - John Labatt Centre
07.08.07 - Ottawa, Ontario - LeBreton Flats Park Ottawa Bluesfest
07.10.07 - Moncton, New Brunswick - Moncton Coliseum Arena
07.11.07 - Charlottetown, Price Edward Island - Charlottetown Civic Centre
07.13.07 - Halifax, Nova Scotia - Cunard Centre
07.14.07 - Glace Bay, Nova Scotia - Savoy Theatre
07.16.07 - St. John's, Newfoundland - Mile One Center
07.22.07 - Portland, ME - Cumberland Civic Center
07.23.07 - Boston, MA - Agganis Arena
07.24.07 - New York, NY - Madison Square Garden +
07.25.07 - Wallingford, CT - Chevrolet Theater
07.27.07 - Wilmington, DE - Grand Opera House
07.28.07 - Fairfax, VA - Patriot Center
07.29.07 - North Myrtle Beach, SC - House of Blues
07.30.07 - Birmingham, AL - Sloss Furnaces
07.31.07 - Southaven, MS - Snowden Grove Park Amphitheater
09.16.07 - Austin, TX - Austin City Limits
09.19.07 - 19 Inglewood, CA - The Forum
09.21.07 - 21 Berkeley, CA - Greek Theatre
09.24.07 - 24 Anchorage, AK - William A. Egan Civic Center
09.26.07 - 26 Seattle, WA - Paramount Ballroom
09.27.07 - 27 Seattle, WA - Paramount Ballroom
09.28.07 - 28 Boise, ID - Idaho Center Theater
09.29.07 - Salt Lake City, UT - The "E" Center
09.30.07 - Jackson Hole, WY - Snow King Center
10.02.07 - Rapid City, SD - Rushmore Plaza Civic Center
10.03.07 - Fargo, ND - Fargo Civic Auditorium
10.04.07 - Lincoln, NE - Pershing Center Auditorium
10.06.07 - Chicago, IL - Aragon Ballroom
10.07.07 - Chicago, IL - Aragon Ballroom

Respect.

  

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