TMT is sympathetic. We know you have been balls deep in Christmas-spending spirit for months, so the last thing you want to hear is news about potential purchases. We also know what complete consumer behemoths you all are, so we feel it is our duty to fuel your insatiable inner spendthrift gluttons and tell you that GM have hooked up with XM Satellite to offer, what they say is, a compelling deal. It supposedly went down like this:
[The scene is at GM HQ. A conference call is happening.]
Steve Cook [EVP of Automotive at XM]: "So Rick, what do you think about partnering up and offering XM in some models this year?"
Rick Lee [GM Executive Director]: "Well we've had good luck over the years, but we are always looking for new ideas to grab new car buyers. Satellite radio is hot right now, and we need something big this year. We need something that still shows why we are the best."
Lee's Suckup PA: "Best in the West! Um, the East too..."
Lee: "Uh, yeah... Anyway, where was I there? We need something big this year. As far as marketing it goes, we've always had success with our Chevy ads. America can't get enough of real-life images with a soundtrack of non-threatening, middle of the road, bright-white rock by Bob Seger and John (Cougar) Mellencamp. We definitely will have to throw in some sort of patriotic heartstring-pulling campaign to go along with it."
Cook: "Great. I'm sure we can come up with something super-duper!"
Suckup (rambling): "...North and South too I guess..."
Lee: "Ok, what do you say we go for 1.8 million vehicles? And I'll start right this instance on the advertising."
[Lee presses button on desk and half a wall recedes, exposing Bob Seger sitting on a backwards chair looking intently at a Rubik's Cube, while John Mellencamp dances around flicking watermelon seeds at Seger's greying mullet.]
Lee: Boys, boys!!! Hey, over here! Yeah, that's right, over HERE! Listen up you two... we don't pay you for horsin' around, now…"
Suckup: "Yeah, you heard Mr. Lee... no horsing around! You dick-lices."
Lee (rolling eyes): "Alright. We love what your commercial songs have done for our Chev truck line, so we thought we might pick your brains about an idea we have for partnering up with XM Satellite."
Seger: "A satellite? Where are they going to put that?!? My satellite takes up half the friggin' back porch. Mind you, I do like my Larry the Cable Guy.
Lee: "Bob... any thoughts?"
Seger (elsewhere): "He, he... 'Get ‘er done'... he, he..."
[Frisbee sails into Lee's face, bloodying the corner of his mouth.]
Mellencamp: "Hey, gimme back my fuckin' Frisbee man! C'mooooooon! I got that fuckin' Frisbee in Louisville."
The Seeg (crooning): "My America... includes Louisville, Jacksonville, Lafayette Ville, Doggerville, Villeville..."
Cougar (reaching desperately for frisbee): "Don't you take Louisville for your song. Louisville is mine. That's where I got my frisbee! Give it baaaaaack!"
Lee (giving back frisbee to Mellencamp while he tussles his hair): "There you are kiddo. Now listen, we really need to inject some life into our new oh-eights this year. Sedan sales are the shits."
Seger: "Sedaaans... ooh la la... look who's hawkin' freakin' sedans now! I can't write a song for a sedan company! Trucks. Trucks! TRUCKS! Trucks and 8-tracks, what else do you need?"
JayCeeeM: "Yeah, my kin won't go anywhere unless we're in a truck! Ask 'em. Teddy Jo, Justice, Hud, Speck, the twins Choate and Scrote, and Queenie Beth Skoal Bandit travel in style, in the back on the flatbed on air mattresses."
Lee: "Cool down you two. We're planning on spreading the offer to 50 of our GM models. Trucks included."
Mellancoog: "Do you know what C-H-E-V-R-O-L-E-T stands for? 'Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time'!!! Hahaaaaaaa!"
Secretary (taking dictation and smiling): "Oh you..."
Mellencamp: "You like that one? I got a million of ‘em. All the people on my tourbus think I'm the funniest person they ever met. Fer sure."
Cook (trying to make his voice heard): "Uh."
Lee: "Boys! Boys! Any thoughts?"
Seger: "Well, let me noodle a bit. Mi, mi, mi... myyy. Myyyyy A-merica..."
JCM (playing the exact same chord sequence as Segar): "Myyyyy A-merica..."
Seger: "Hey man!!! He's stealin' my tune!"
Cougar Mellencamp: "America... is Like a Rock..."
Seger: "Oh no, you did not!"
Lee (interupting Cook): "Jesus H. Crispies! Will you two knock it off!"
Mellen to the Camp: "...stumbling out the door / Like a Rock / falling on the floor..."
Lee: "Alright Johnny…time for bed little one."
Johnny Cougar: "Fuuuuuuuccccccckkkkkk yooooooooooouuuuuuuuu…I'm a big boy now! Maaan! I don't want to go to bed! Tits, no, I won't go!"
Lee: (consoling Mellencamp and nodding to Seger to follow him into their hidey house behind the wall): "I know, I know... you're a big boy now."
JCM: "Tits! Titstitstits!!! Hahahahaha... tiiiiittttttsssssssszzz."
Lee (handing a slumbering 'Camp into Seger's arms and whispering): "Bob? Anything?"
Seger: "Nah. Leave it with me for a bit, and I'll come up with something for yas."
[Door slams shut and wanders back to his desk, sighing deeply.]
Cook: "Jesus, how the hell do you put up with that? Why do you even keep them around?"
Lee: "Ugh, they had some kind of crazy contract clause and we had to give in. Plus, Beavis and Butthead in there have made our company a ton of cash."
Suckup: "Beavis and Butthead! Hahaha... you've still got it Boss!"
Lee: "Uh, yeah. Anyway, as a I was saying, we really need something that says we're hip to the scene (aside to secretary... 'Did I say that right'?) and we have some history with XM when we introduced satellite in our Sevilles and Devilles a couple of years back. It's not like we're not going to do something original or use an idea that isn't stolen, even if it is from ourselves. Am I right or am I right?"
Suckup: "Right as rain, Big Guy!"
Cook: Well then, I think we're done here. Are we going to go with a free three-month trial period on all factory-installed models with XM?
Lee: "You know it!"
[Later, at a joint press conference.]
Lee: "This announcement continues to demonstrate General Motors' commitment to providing XM Satellite Radio services to our new vehicle buyers. This, coupled with our August announcement to lower the option price of factory-installed XM to $199, supports our effort to offer XM Satellite Radio to more customers (suckers...)."
Cook: "General Motors has been instrumental in growing our business by introducing millions of car buyers across the nation to the extraordinary content of XM Radio. XM has been focused on the new car market since inception and GM has led the way for the industry. It is exciting to see GM driving the installation of XM into significantly more cars and trucks as a means to differentiate and enhance the appeal of their vehicles (suckers...)."