Gorillaz Realize They’ve Got a Whole Bunch of Useless Shit in Their Cupboards, Decide to Make Their Fans Pay Through the Nose for It

I guess Damon Albarn doesn't have enough money, or something (I guess hiring Danger Mouse to make your album for you doesn't come cheap OH SNAP ALBARN FEEL THE BURN), but it turns out that Gorillaz are releasing, like, everything... ever. Seriously. With any other band, their work-rate would be impressive, but seeing as (1) precious little new actual music is being released, (2) the entire thing stinks of bare-faced commercialism, and (3) I just accidentally cut a great big chunk out of my finger and I'm feeling all crotchety (using only a bottle cap and a lighter — seriously, I'm like the MacGuyver of self-harm), I'm going to be all bitter for a bit. If you want happy, just go straight past this one. There's probably a nice story about Man Man or something next.

First of all, Gorillaz are releasing a set of EPs, available only on iTunes, called the "Give All Your Money To Damon Albarn And Steve Jobs So They Can Build A Big Swimming Pool Full Of Cash And Swim Round In It Openly Admiring Each Other's Sharply Toned Buttocks Hidden Only By A Tight Pair Of Black Speedoes" Series. First up comes the DARE EP, released October 24. The Dirty Harry, El Manana, and Feel Good Inc. EPs follow every two or three weeks up until December 26. The DARE EP tracklist is as follows:

1. DARE - Demon Days Live in Harlem (Video)
2. DARE - animatic (Video)
3. Clint Eastwood Live - featuring De La Soul and Bootie Brown / The Pharcyde
4. People (which is DARE original demo) (Audio Only)

Once you've bought the DARE EP and are once more struggling to fight the desperate feeling of emptiness that gnaws — forever gnaws — at your heart, Gorillaz are giving you the opportunity to fend it off once again with petty commercialism. This time it is with the Slowboat to Hades DVD! "Following up the fantastically successful Phase One - Celebrity Takedown DVD companion to Gorillaz' self-titled 2001 debut, Slowboat to Hades rounds up the Demon Days era's award-winning videos, hi-tech performances, inventive animated shorts, acceptance speeches and more," the press release reads. Oh, goody.

What's that? Still got some money? Why, that'll never do. You need toys! Luckily, Kidrobot have you covered. They're releasing soft vinyl figures of the Gorillaz, each in their own box, varying in height from 6-1/4 inches to 8-1/4 inches. Make up your own fucking joke, I'm tired.

FINALLY, Gorillaz are also releasing their autobiography, Rise Of The Ogre, "the story of the world's most successful virtual group, as told by all four members of the band assisted by writer Cass Browne." To clarify: that's Gorillaz' story. The story of the band, Gorillaz. The band that does not even fucking exist. It is being designed by James Hewlett, though, so at least it will look pretty.

Tune in tomorrow when we exclusively reveal Gorillaz's line of scented soaps and bubblebaths.

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