Harry Potter Has Huge Clientele, If You Know What I Mean

My more dedicated readers (looking at you, mom) may have noticed that I’ve been missing from the hallowed (OMG WAIT FOR IT!) pages from TMT this week. Well, I would apologize, but I’ve been reading every Harry Potter leak I can get my hands on. I’ve read the leak photographed on the red carpet, the leak photographed on the grey carpet, and the typed-out version of the leak photographed on the red carpet. Hell, I even read the 784 page fan-fiction. So now I present you, and I guess JK Rowlings legal team, the Official Tiny Mix Tapes Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows Spoilers Aggregate (® pending).

SPOILER ALERT! HIGHLIGHT TO READ!

SRSLY SPOILERS COMING UP!

LOTS OF THEM!

I’M NOT KIDDING! DON’T E-MAIL ME BEING ALL PISSY IF YOU READ THIS AND THE BOOK IS RUINED FOR YOU!

The Clientele is touring. Yeah, that was predictable and yet still a total letdown. Dates:

Disclaimer: I have never actually read a Harry Potter book, but I’m pretty sure it will turn out the Krum is Harry’s brother. You heard it here first.

Mr. Lif Tours, Wikipedia Continues to Kill Dreams, Steal Souls

Dear Reader, Baby, Sweetheart,

Here’s a tasty, dream-killin’, Wikipedia-provided truth: Everything comes full circle -- and Dave Matthews-listening, ice-luge-blistering, hot-wings-finger-licking-in-between-videogame-control-clicking dudes are omnipresent:

Mr. Lif’s pseudonym comes from a Phish song.

That he liked.

Seriously. A quick check of Wikipedia will kill your spirits.

Mr. Lif is hitting the open road for the hip-hop-you-don’t-stop Paid Dues Festival. He may or may not spark up a doobie with da’ boyz from Phish after the show.

You buy a Dutch Masters cigar and peel off the paper, I’ll roll us one... Oh, can that chick you’re bangin’ pick us up some Natty-light?:

Pinback Preps For Tour As I, Infirm With A Laid Up Left Mitt And Gorging On A 10-Day World Of Warcraft Trial, Engage In this Conversation With A Sexy Nightelf I Secretly Suspect To Be Pinback’s Rob Crow

PinBizRbCr: hi. do u wnt 2 cyb3r?

ShAzAmUrFaCe: thnx but I’m doin quests

PinBizRbCr: rofl.anywyas I”M MARRIED

ShAzAmUrFaCe: cool

PinBizRbCr: i’m in aband, u know

ShAzAmUrFaCe: who?

PinBizRbCr: ill g1ve you a clu. my cd dr0pz Sep 11

ShAzAmUrFaCe: um//

PinBizRbCr: k clu numbr 2, my webtsit rawks

ShAzAmUrFaCe: uh. i dunno. fallout boy?

PinBizRbCr bursts out in dance

ShAzAmUrFaCe: dood, dont rub your nightelf cooties on me

PinBizRbCr: I wll cut u. 8====D

You slap PinBizRbCr across the face. Ouch!

PinBizRbC has challenged you to a duel

ShAzAmUrFaCe: how bout a little kiss on my FIST

PinBizRbCr: oww

PinBizRbCr is dead

You receive: [indie street cred]

ShAzAmUrFaCe: pwnd

Count the Concrete Seconds to your tourdate of choice:

Sunburned Hand Of The Man Is Stuck in Four Tet’s Fridge; Instant Relief and New Album Are The Results

Since that triumphant day that turkey and jerky first conjugated in a veritable orgy of vaccuum-packed sinfulness, I have long sought out a collaboration of similar intensity -- one that would delight and entrance me to somewhere, anywhere, near the degree to which that toothsome dried meat snack did. This search, I regret to report, has largely been fruitless. Tits and Ass left me cold, largely embarrassed, and in need of a pizza. Heroin and Cocaine merely led to constipation. Discovering the nexus of Jazz and Funk only resulted in an unhealthy desire to learn slap bass and gently brush the hair of Jaco Pastorius’s exhumed corpse.

But now, this pitiful search may hopefully be coming to a end. I refer to Sunburned Hand Of The Man’s new album Fire Escape, due to be released October 2 on the possibly legendary Norwegian Smalltown Supersound label. And yes, it’s produced by Kieran Hebden, the noted Four Tet and Fridge egghead. Hebden, apparently a long-term fan/stalker of the band, asked for -- and was given, because he’s Kieran Hebden -- the chance to record them in a London studio. Now his smart-arse fiddling, twitching, wiggling, and twiddling around with these recordings has resulted in the construction of “his vision of a Sunburned record.”

Indeed, strengthening the potential awesomeness of this, Hebden is listed as a full member of the band on this press release thing, as are both Mick Flower and Bridget Hayden of Vibracathedral Orchestra global superstardom. And if that isn’t enough for you ungrateful fucks, Yamatsuka Eye’s doing the artwork! Rumor is that he was slated to play bongos on the record, but once he got to the studio, the coppers outside turned him away because the place was already too full.

Tracklist:

In related news, Sunburned recently released The Pegadrift on Fuck It Tapes (limited to 80). In September, Conspiracy Records will release a CD/LP collaboration with Circle, originally recorded in Finland last September. And finally, expect some European dates soon.

I Felt ‘he Spirit Movun’ Withun Me, True Me Lim’s an’ den it Struck Me in the ‘ead Ou’ a Nowher: K Records and Old Time Relijun Revival!

Noticeably absent from this year's — or any year's — Pitchfork Music Festival —what? —was a performer on the K Records roster. That's funny. I mean, you would think that the premiere independent music resource would have an angle on that.

Rightfully so, K Records have another fest to worry about: What the Heck Fest, on now through July 22 and featuring a good chunk of the K Records roster. The fest is in Anacortes, WA and is completely sold out, so let's not bother with the schedule (besides, we already told you about it months ago).

Instead, let's revel in the fact that Old Time Relijun's new album Catharsis In Crisis is slated for release October 9. (How much says this album release date sticks?) Catharsis In Crisis is the conclusion to OTR's "Lost Light" trilogy, and it seems as though 2004's Lost Light, 2005's 2012, and now 2007's Catharsis In Crisis make up said trilogy. Interesting, no? That's a great gimmick for selling more records. That, and the record containing good music.

Look for the old timeys to tour near you soon, if you're not near one of the following:

  

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