Hell Ys! Joanna Newsom Tours

So I'm sitting here trying to think of a way to lead into this story, but it's impossible to concentrate on what I'm writing. Normally, it wouldn't be such a big deal, but tonight, I am at my parents' house, and I am sitting across the room from them as they watch the racially segregated new season of Survivor. And one of the contestants on the show is resting, leaning back casually in the shade, with an enormous erection. Oh God, and the narrator just said he was "cocky" about something, and I'm pretty sure that comment is to be interpreted on multiple levels. He's not even being discreet about it; it's just there, completely perpendicular to the rest of his body.

This is really upsetting to me, because I have been waiting for Joanna Newsom to tour for a pretty long time. I wanted to write some sort of article that reflected how I felt about her music, which is to say, an article that was absolutely gorgeous and original and clever. Maybe something that was written on an antique typewriter, in the middle of a meadow, at dawn. A robin would come and sit on my desk and tweet simple melodies to the beat of my fingers hitting the keys. The words would just come to me, as if in a vision, and when I was finished, I could rise from my seat knowing I had left the world a better place. Instead, all I can think about is this dude's boner and the apathetic reaction it received from the rest of the caucasian tribe. Seriously though, to me it was really obvious, flagrantly just... there, shamelessly and for no apparent reason.

I keep getting sidetracked. Joanna, if you're reading this, I want you to know that I'm sorry. You deserve better, and I did all I could to make an article worthy of having your name included in it. Instead, I combined Survivor and erections, and for that I offer my sincerest apologies. But for God's sake, it was just there, practically taking up half the screen, in broad daylight no less.

It was just there:

11.04.06 - Salt Lake City, UT - The Depot
11.05.06 - Denver, CO - Bluebird Theater
11.06.06 - Omaha, NE - Scottish Rite Masonic Center
11.07.06 - St. Louis, MO - Blueberry Hill
11.08.06 - Chicago, IL - Logan Square Auditorium
11.09.06 - Colombus, OH - Little Brothers
11.10.06 - Cleveland, OH - Beechland Ballroom
11.11.06 - Pittsburgh, PA - Andy Warhol Museum
11.13.06 - New York, NY - Webster Hall +
11.14.06 - Boston, MA - Somerville Theatre +
11.15.06 - New Haven, CT - Toad's Place +
11.16.06 - Philadelphia, PA - First Unitarian Church +
11.17.06 - Washington, DC - Black Cat +
11.18.06 - Greensboro, NC - Gail Brower Huggins Theater
11.19.06 - Atlanta, GA - Variety Playhouse
11.20.06 - Nashville, TN - Mercy Lounge
11.21.06 - Knoxville, TN - Blue Cats
11.22.06 - Asheville, NC - Diana Wortham Theatre
11.24.06 - Louisville, KY - Headliners
11.25.06 - Birmingham, AL - Bottle Tree
11.29.06 - Malibu, CA - Malibu Performing Arts Center
11.30.06 - Los Angeles, CA - El Rey Theater
12.03.06 - Portland, OR - Aladdin Theater
12.04.06 - Seattle, WA - Showbox
12.05.06 - Vancouver, BC - St. Andrew's-Wesley Church
12.11.06 - Norman, OK - Meecham Theater, University of Oklahoma

+ w/ P.G. Six

Ys comes out on Drag City on November 14.