Hold Steady Tour for Boys and Girls in Ireland, Scotland, France, the Netherlands, England, etc., and Oh Yeah, America

The price of fame for The Hold Steady took the form of a hipper-than-thou crowd in Brooklyn a couple of weeks ago, a crowd appalled at the possibility of beer soiling their immaculate Urban Outfitters threads, but not too proud to sip Pabst Blue Ribbon out of the can. Explain that one to me. Anyway, as my companions and I received dirty looks for screaming along to "Massive Nights" after a beer or five, the truth dawned on me. The $100 tickets on Craigslist suddenly made sense. Well, wouldn't you know it folks, people read music magazines! Especially One That Shall Not Be Named and decide that they just MUST check out this band, even if they hate beer and ecstatic drunken crowds and the boozy resurrection of classic rock. Oh, wait. I just described a Hold Steady show. Please go away and daintily sip your $5 beer where the word "daintily" is actually part of the territory. Thank you.

Love 'em or hate 'em, 2006 was a Hold Steady kinda year, as they showed up on a ton of best-of lists and landed their mugs on Letterman. In a few weeks, they'll be bringing the killer party across the pond and converting European crowds with a single power chord. Sweet.

Back in time for Spring Break 2k7, y'all!:

Chuck Norris Talks With Iraqi-American Rapper While Filling in for Sean Hannity on Fox News, and I’m Officially Through With Making Joke Headlines For Tiny Mix Tapes

There really isn't much that I can say about President Bush's favorite actor Sir Chuck Norris that hasn't been said already. I'm not the kind of person that gets their laughs from an absurd Chuck Norris fact generator. "Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever." That was funny before my mom had cancer. It's that kind of in-your-face Norris-fever political agenda that has been going too far lately.

Now, I am the kind of person who likes to get a good chuckle or two from watching Fox News. It took me at least more than 15 minutes to realize that it was in fact Chuck Norris that was taking the place of Sean Hannity on the scrotum rockin' hit program Hannity & Colmes. Hannity and Colmes has always been my favorite duo since Hitler and Himmler, so I was shocked to see the well-groomed, faux-karate master corresponding as a talking head.

During this gig, Norris got a chance to talk to Iraqi-American rapper TIMZ, who was also promoting his anti-war single "Iraq" that is on the album Open For Business. You can watch the interview here (but you probably would rather watch this).

TIMZ admits that he feels Iraq was safer with Saddam's reign of terror than with Bush's reign of terror. Oops! Wrong answer TIMZ! Because the best conservative refute that Norris can deliver is his famous blank gaze into the soul of "human beings." This wasn't exactly good publicity for TIMZ. Let's face it. I'm onto Norris' pranks. I think he even drop-kicked that jello puss Colmes into Greta Van Susteren's face. Ironically, Greta can now move her fucking mouth up and down like a normal person.

Mr. Norris, you're not funny. There is no such thing as 50 years of fame for you, so please stop making cameos in movies like Dodgeball, and please stop talking about religion and politics. You are not a comedian Chuck, and you're ruining the credibility of Fox News. Also you are no comedian either, Dane Cook. And I'll admit that I am no comedian either, but I'll let you know who a real comedian was -- SADDAM!

Why Saddam Was Way Funnier Than Dane Cook (And Even Chuck Norris)

By TMT heartthrob Emceegreg

I mean, Saddam had some funnier jokes when it came down to it. I'd go to Saddam when I wanted to hear a good priest 'n' rabbi-walk-into-a-bar joke, but if I ever wanted to hear someone go on and on about how much they like eating at Burger King...well then I could just go to fucking Burger King. I don't need your shit anymore Dane Cook. You remind me of that spastic ugly half-jock from high school who was deemed as popular just because he is outgoing and off-the-wall. You people are fucking idiots. Now Saddam! That shit was off the wall. Saddam didn't run around making fucking sound effects or screaming from his taint. He had a little more fucking class than that man. Sometimes Saddam's humor would be a mixture of Bill Hicks and Carrot Top, but it worked when he would channel Sam Kinison at his best. It was pure comedic genius, folks. Get off you goddamn lazy ass, put down your fucking BK quadruple stacker, turn off that fucking awful "Tourgasm" shit, and go rent a good fucking Saddam stand-up. Hell, Saddam was also awesome in many early '90s comedies like Weekend at Bernies 2 and Hot Shots: Part Deux. I recommend getting you life together by realizing a true comedian when he is hanging right in front of your face. Team Saddam FTW!

Ornette Coleman to Receive Lifetime Achievement Award at Grammys

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Directions: Move your cursor over the above image and keep it there to see Ornette's projected reaction!

The Avalanches Are Forging their New Album Entirely Out of Adamantium… and a few Pop Tarts.

Remember Frontier Psychiatrist? A silly question when you consider the talking coconut with googly eyes, a turtle with an old-man's head, and singing ghosts. Oh, and a giant parrot, a mariachi band, cowboys, and that chorus of old people. Haven't seen the video you say? Have you even heard the song? You haven't? Well, listen up clown-shoes; I've had enough of your rampant tomfoolery. How dare you do this to me. Link to the Video. Now there's no excuse is there? I just gave you a link to the video. You don't even have to move. I've done the leg work for you. Go ahead and watch it. I'll wait.

Pretty cool eh? I love the part at the beginning with they act out that old sample. You still haven't watched it? Are you fucking with me? You wanna read to the article first? Fine.

*END OF ARTICLE*

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Okay, now that I've distracted the riffraff with shiny things and YouTube, let me tell you what these crazy Aussies have been up to since Y2K: They've been making another album. ISN'T THAT CRAZY? I know, it's just out of this world. Apparently the album required a bit of re-tweaking since they initially thought it was done in 2005. Hopefully this means the album will be good. I'd like to hear a good record. I like good music. Do you like good music? I certainly hope so. So yeah, the other day I was chatting with your father on the phone while your mother was giving me hea...

HEY! You're back! How was the video? Yeah I said you'd like it. Sorry for deceiving you like that. No... hahaha, of course I wouldn't say anything to offend you; that's just a filthy rumor. A filthy, filthy rumor. No don't! I urge you not to read the previous paragraph. You already did? Dammit... okay, if I told you that I was put up to it, would you believe me? I didn't think so... how about some kind of monetary compensation for the emotional damage?

HEY TMT OWNER DUDE, CAN I PAY OFF THE STUPID MOONINITES THAT I ACCIDENTALLY CALLED "RIFFRAFF"?

IT'S NOT EVEN A REAL WORD YOU SAY?

Okay, so it turns out what I called you isn't even a dirty word, unless you're some kind of late-1800s gold miner. You are? Wow... that's actually pretty cool, so do you have like... a time machine or something? No? You're just 150 years old? I don't believe you. Where's your time machine? In your pants you say? I have to reach for it myself? Well, since I'm incredibly gullible, I think I'll venture a grab down there... *rummaging noises* Hey! I found a burrito! Cool. I like burritos. Awesome, this one is warm, I think I'll just have myself a taste here. Eww...this sorta tastes like your mom's [ed. Removed that word...we got too many complaints last time] cooking.

We have no idea when the album is coming out, but it's "on the way in 2007." At least according to a post on the avalanches forum, by someone named "theavalanchesdotcom." Whatever that means.

Sage Francis Is Not On Fire, Will Release New LP May 8

Partially due to not being on fire, Sage Francis is set to release his new LP, Human The Death Dance, on May 8. The album, his tenth, features collaborations with Jolie Holland, Mark Isham, and Buck 65. Some of the tracks have been recorded for the Edward Norton/Colin Farrell film, Pride & Glory. None of these people are currently on fire.

"I am relieved that I am not on fire, as I feel that being on fire would seriously impair my ability to create and release not only this album, but the many albums I have planned for the future," Sage said in a recent press release. "Rapping is a very serious business, and it is very hard to do if you are on fire. Well, I can only guess that that is the case, as I am not on fire."

Doctor Ben Tilley, Professor of Fire at Stanford University, is hopeful for Sage's continuing health. "Assuming a continuing state of non-combustion, Sage can hope to live a happy and healthy life for about another 50 years," he told Tiny Mix Tapes. "Of course, should he set on fire at any point, he should expect his life expectancy to drop dramatically."
3,675 people die due to fire every year in the USA. The symptoms include burns, blisters, smoke damage, and death. The Great Chicago fire of 1871, in which Sage Francis was not involved, caused $2.6 billion dollars worth of damage (adjusted).

While a full tracklisting for Human The Death Dance has not yet been released, songs such as "Woke Up This Morning," "Hell Of A Year," and "Keep Moving" cover topics ranging from the workplace to sex addiction. In an eerie reflection of his current state, none of the songs mention being on fire.

Tapes N Tapes To Tour, Retain Their Old Allure, With Their Members Four, It’ll Rock For Sure, New Sound Fresh And Pure, Second Album To Be More Mature, No Dates In Kuala Lumpur

So, hey, true story. I was seeing Tapes n Tapes at the Indian Summer festival in Glasgow last September when Josh Grier started tuning his guitar between songs. He was having trouble, and was making up banter to cover it up. Well, let me tell you, ol' Nunpuncher doesn't let a guy get away with weak shit like that. I bare my teeth and go in for the kill. "Get a job!" I yell. And people start laughing at him. "I -- I've got a job!" he yells, dismayed and embarrassed. "I'm going back to it in a week!"

Yeah, nice comeback, Oscar Wilde. Witty repartee, Woody Allen. Way to go, Charlie Chaplin.

So I'm pretty surprised that Tapes n Tapes are even on the road any more. You don't recover from a 100% pure beef Nunpuncher burn just like that. You ever heard of the Withering Sparrows? No? That's because they all hanged themselves after a gig at Nice N' Sleazy, where I made a joke about the drummer's hair. That's how damn good I am.

Don't ask me to repeat what I said. You'll probably try to kill yourself too. So, yeah. I guess I've got to hand it to Tapes n Tapes to conquer what I imagine must be some pretty major demons and get touring again. Just don't come anywhere near Glasgow with any of that poorly-tuned guitar nonsense, y'hear? I've got some dangerous new material, and I'm ready for you. Some of it's about your mothers. I'm warning you, cuz I respect you.