Hold Your Tongue and Say “The Apples in Stereo Tour”

[Scene: Kids are eating cereal at kitchen table. Dad enters.]

Dad: What the hell are you kids doing?

Son: We're just eating Apple Jacks dad.

Dad: What? What the hell are Apple Jacks?

Son's friend: They are like cheerios, but more colorful and festive.

Dad: What? A gay cheerio? Give me a bite, you little pissers.

Son: They're good, huh?

Dad: What? No, they don't taste like goddamn apples.

Son: Parents just don't get it!

Dad: And what the hee-haw is this jibber jabberin you dillweeds are listening to on the radio?

[The Dad walks over to the stereo on the kitchen counter, and violently knocks it onto the floor.]

Son: Dad! That was The Apples in Stereo. They're flip floppin' awesome. And they're going on tour to promote their latest masterpiece New Magnetic Wonder due in stores February 6, 2007. You may remember seeing lead singer Rob Schneider play the theme to The Colbert Report on the show back in December.

Dad: What? They don't sound like apples!

Son: Ha! See parents just don't get it.

[The Dad angrily grabs his son's arm, and then he stabs his son's friend in the chest.]

Son: Dad, you're hurting me. And you smell like whiskey and the dog's butt.

Dad: Where's your mom? YOU TELL ME NOW!

Son: She's still in the basement.

Tourdates:

Sunburned Hand Of The Man Seeking Pleasant Audience Member

Hi, my name is Sunburned, 34 years old. I'm from Massachusetts originally, though lately I've been all over the country and beyond, believe it or not! You see, I'm kind of a party boy, though at the same time I believe in the importance of the strong-mind/strong-body duality, if you know what I mean. I'm really easy going, always funny and laughing and friendly, I'm a good listener, I'm spontaneous, straight, always laughing. I may even improve YOUR life with my majorly friendly qualities! ;)

Some of my friends say I'm modest, hardworking, easy going, responsible and other stuff! I am a determined individual and am looking for an equally determined audience member to spend some quality time appreciating my music. Yeah girls, it's true... I'm a musician! My mom always said I had a gift for the guitar (not to mention the GAB!) and it really kinda goes without saying that my mom is numero uno on my list of important people, only being beaten out by my boys J.C. and Emeril Lagasse. (Did I mention I love to cook?!) But yeah, there's nothing I love more than a sweet tune and a pretty girl to rock out with.

If you are interested or even kind of curious, please meet me at any of the following places and we can see a movie or just have a drink and listen to my music and then see where the night may or may not take us depending on our compatibility:

Thank you so much in advance for sending me your pic and contact info. I know we are meant to be together and I await eagerly our successful encounter!

John Vanderslice Tours, Heidi Vanderslice Camps Out In Front Of NYC’s Mercury Lounge à la {Rock’n’Roll High School}

Admittedly, I'd first been intrigued by Mr. Vanderslice because of his name's close proximity to that of my father, John Vanderlee. Howzabout that? They are, indeed, two completely different people, but a few striking similarities exist. John Vanderslice is a well-known four-track traditionalist when it comes to recording, and John Vanderlee prefers all things analog as well, spinning a weekly radio show almost entirely comprised of vinyl, entitled "Pipes'n'Pizzazz" and airing from 11AM-12PM on WVKR 91.3-FM/end familial plug. John Vanderslice is of the opinion that Bill Gates should probably kick it (see "Bill Gates Must Die"), and John Vanderlee gave the proverbial two-finger salute to IBM in 1992. See what I'm getting at? Of course, when I had the fortune to meet Mr. Vanderslice after his 2003 Knitting Factory show with then-unknown Sufjan Stevens (no, really) and Centro-Matic, I could have probably come up with something more clever than "You have almost the same name as my dad! Uh... John Vanderlee!" To his credit, he was quite gracious, but of course, this fact remains much more exciting to me. As does this article, I'm realizing...

Names aside, John Vanderslice's music is pristine and refined and yet refreshingly melodic; the epitome of "tight." Take into account the fact that every one of his albums is produced from analog tape masters, and it's clear that respect is due. This American Four-Tracker owns and operates Tiny Telephone, the last all-analog recording studio in the Bay Area of San Francisco, and its services won't break the bank, neither. 2005's Pixel Revolt didn't quite live up to earlier albums like Cellar Door (2004) or The Life and Death of American Four-Tracker (2002), but this man puts on a hell of a show, painstakingly reproducing the slick quality of his recordings with a little something special.

Take me with you:

Global Licenses Through ISPs a Possibility; Microsoft And Apple To Hold Discussions For Road Map To Peace

There's an old idea being kicked around Europe and the United States about a new way in which we (the people) are allowed to legally consume music: global licenses attributed to us through our internet service providers that "would substitute royalty payments on the purchases of digital music over the internet." Hmmm... Blogosphere, assemble!

FMQB is reporting that the license fee would be "collected by" ISPs in addition to your monthly internet bill. You'd own the songs and get to put them on whatever player you want. Say goodbye iTunes exclusivity. And that's the idea. Apple may look pretty, but it grabs two balls in one fist with relative ease, making anything downloaded on iTunes only fair for one device, its iPod. There's been great contention in Europe over Apple exclusivity, and "consumer groups in Germany and France have now allied with Norway, Denmark and Sweden to push Apple to make songs sold from iTunes compatible with music players other than iPods."

Compatible with, say, the Microsoft Zune? Interoperability is the buzzword and a global license could be the key to shifting emphasis away from failing CD sales. CD, we hardly knew ye. But how will it work? What about free Wi-Fi? Will ISPs get a cut for handling money? And why should they be handling royalties, of which they have nothing to do with? So many questions... Blogosphere, do what you do best! Show us how insightful and witty you are while telling us the error of other peoples' ways.

Who knows, maybe interoperability will catch on. The future is a strange and dangerous place. In two years, I bet you'll be able to put Coke inside a Pepsi bottle, and vice versa. It may seem strange now, but in two years, when you're going into a Pepsi-controlled fallout bloc, you'll praise newly elected President Mitch Bainwol, Earth Division for that forward-thinking agenda, as those thugs will turn their plasma acid rifles on someone else.

The End of High-Quality Radio Streams? “Perform Act” Sails Seven Seas For Pirates, Realizes It’s Sailing On Land; Continues

Like many other unsavory individuals these days, I spend a fair amount of time listening to music via online radio stations. Given the borderline-hilariously limited range of music offered on commercial radio, the chance to listen to high-quality streams of amazing stations throughout the country is an endless treat, from the electric Mecca of WFMU to the sheer Weir-iness of WNUR. Whenever I'm sick of listening to the lone Mariah Carey Christmas album in my iTunes library, I load up one of
these stations and the word "Om" forms on my lips, as if by a divine hand.

So, of course, internet radio must be dismantled. The "Platform Equality and Remedies for Rights Holders in Music Act," or PERFORM (how do those words add up to PERFORM?!), was introduced to the Senate recently after having been originally introduced last year and thankfully left to die. This legislation would require content protection on internet broadcasts (along with digital and satellite radio) and would put an end to MP3 streaming. Although the Audio Home Recording Act of 1992 gave consumers the right to make both analog and digital recordings of broadcasts, some feel that this is entirely too "fair." Have I mentioned the RIAA is involved?

The fear of those that have no idea what's happening at any given moment is that Long John Silver-types are sailing the airwaves and recording songs that play for subsequent distribution through P2P networks. Somehow, this is meant to be a simpler and more sinister method than one dude buying the CD and converting it to MP3s. If the Perform Act passes, radio stations will be forced to abandon high-quality streaming formats for other alternatives, ones that will be literally oozing with DRM technology. And the only kind of ooze I like to hear about is that which oozes with secrets -- secrets that can be uncovered through the teamwork and determination of four hard-workin', shell-shockin', crime-fightin' turtles.

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