Hold Your Tongue and Say “The Apples in Stereo Tour”

[Scene: Kids are eating cereal at kitchen table. Dad enters.]

Dad: What the hell are you kids doing?

Son: We're just eating Apple Jacks dad.

Dad: What? What the hell are Apple Jacks?

Son's friend: They are like cheerios, but more colorful and festive.

Dad: What? A gay cheerio? Give me a bite, you little pissers.

Son: They're good, huh?

Dad: What? No, they don't taste like goddamn apples.

Son: Parents just don't get it!

Dad: And what the hee-haw is this jibber jabberin you dillweeds are listening to on the radio?

[The Dad walks over to the stereo on the kitchen counter, and violently knocks it onto the floor.]

Son: Dad! That was The Apples in Stereo. They're flip floppin' awesome. And they're going on tour to promote their latest masterpiece New Magnetic Wonder due in stores February 6, 2007. You may remember seeing lead singer Rob Schneider play the theme to The Colbert Report on the show back in December.

Dad: What? They don't sound like apples!

Son: Ha! See parents just don't get it.

[The Dad angrily grabs his son's arm, and then he stabs his son's friend in the chest.]

Son: Dad, you're hurting me. And you smell like whiskey and the dog's butt.

Dad: Where's your mom? YOU TELL ME NOW!

Son: She's still in the basement.

Tourdates:

Thermals Snuggle Up with Big Sleep for Coziest Tour Ever, Break Curfew with the Hold Steady

Indie "supergroup" (sorry, that just makes me think of Live Aid or the Super Bowl Shuffle) The Thermals started as a little ol' side project of Hutch Harris, Kathy Foster, Ben Barnett, and Jordan Hudson, who may or may not have been part of the following: All Girl Summer Fun Band, Kind of Like Spitting, and Operacycle. David Lee Roth tried to get in on the action, but he was de-NIED, which may or may not be the reason he recently went crawling back to Van Halen (I shit you not), but that's a whole other story we probably won't cover. Anyway, the fates smiled upon The Thermals, as O Holy Highness of Indie Rock Ben Gibbard nudged 'em toward Sub Pop, and three full-lengths later, they've provided us with The Body, The Blood, The Machine and a brand-spanking-new tour with Brooklyn dreamers The Big Sleep and Brooklyn transplant champion drinkers The Hold Steady.

(Beer) Cozies for everyone:

Just When I Thought William Elliott Whitmore Wasn’t Going on Tour, William Elliott Whitmore Announces He’s Going on Tour

When I was 14, my uncle Kasey told me that "Life is like the song of a blackbird." He didn't really explain why, but it was so poetic to my young ears that it sure made a lot of sense back then. As I worked my way through high school and finally college, the analogy stuck with me, even though I never really questioned it. Maybe it was because deep down I knew there was no meaning to it. Or maybe I was too scared to discover the truth.

Last year, I decided to seek out answers. I called my uncle and we met for coffee. After some superficial conversation about airlines (he's a pilot), I mustered up the nerve to ask him what he meant by his blackbird analogy. To my surprise, however, Kasey didn't even remember saying it! WHAT THE HELL. I looked him right in the eye and muttered, "Wrong answer." He let out a nervous chuckle, as I preceded to take out a hammer and fucking pound on his right arm until it looked like silly putty. BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM!!!

That dipshit. Wait... now that I think about it, I think it might've been uncle Perry who told me the analogy... Ha, isn't life funny?

William Elliott Whitmore tourdates:

Sunburned Hand Of The Man Seeking Pleasant Audience Member

Hi, my name is Sunburned, 34 years old. I'm from Massachusetts originally, though lately I've been all over the country and beyond, believe it or not! You see, I'm kind of a party boy, though at the same time I believe in the importance of the strong-mind/strong-body duality, if you know what I mean. I'm really easy going, always funny and laughing and friendly, I'm a good listener, I'm spontaneous, straight, always laughing. I may even improve YOUR life with my majorly friendly qualities! ;)

Some of my friends say I'm modest, hardworking, easy going, responsible and other stuff! I am a determined individual and am looking for an equally determined audience member to spend some quality time appreciating my music. Yeah girls, it's true... I'm a musician! My mom always said I had a gift for the guitar (not to mention the GAB!) and it really kinda goes without saying that my mom is numero uno on my list of important people, only being beaten out by my boys J.C. and Emeril Lagasse. (Did I mention I love to cook?!) But yeah, there's nothing I love more than a sweet tune and a pretty girl to rock out with.

If you are interested or even kind of curious, please meet me at any of the following places and we can see a movie or just have a drink and listen to my music and then see where the night may or may not take us depending on our compatibility:

Thank you so much in advance for sending me your pic and contact info. I know we are meant to be together and I await eagerly our successful encounter!

John Vanderslice Tours, Heidi Vanderslice Camps Out In Front Of NYC’s Mercury Lounge à la {Rock’n’Roll High School}

Admittedly, I'd first been intrigued by Mr. Vanderslice because of his name's close proximity to that of my father, John Vanderlee. Howzabout that? They are, indeed, two completely different people, but a few striking similarities exist. John Vanderslice is a well-known four-track traditionalist when it comes to recording, and John Vanderlee prefers all things analog as well, spinning a weekly radio show almost entirely comprised of vinyl, entitled "Pipes'n'Pizzazz" and airing from 11AM-12PM on WVKR 91.3-FM/end familial plug. John Vanderslice is of the opinion that Bill Gates should probably kick it (see "Bill Gates Must Die"), and John Vanderlee gave the proverbial two-finger salute to IBM in 1992. See what I'm getting at? Of course, when I had the fortune to meet Mr. Vanderslice after his 2003 Knitting Factory show with then-unknown Sufjan Stevens (no, really) and Centro-Matic, I could have probably come up with something more clever than "You have almost the same name as my dad! Uh... John Vanderlee!" To his credit, he was quite gracious, but of course, this fact remains much more exciting to me. As does this article, I'm realizing...

Names aside, John Vanderslice's music is pristine and refined and yet refreshingly melodic; the epitome of "tight." Take into account the fact that every one of his albums is produced from analog tape masters, and it's clear that respect is due. This American Four-Tracker owns and operates Tiny Telephone, the last all-analog recording studio in the Bay Area of San Francisco, and its services won't break the bank, neither. 2005's Pixel Revolt didn't quite live up to earlier albums like Cellar Door (2004) or The Life and Death of American Four-Tracker (2002), but this man puts on a hell of a show, painstakingly reproducing the slick quality of his recordings with a little something special.

Take me with you: