Holy bundles of money, Batman! iTunes made $1.4 billion this quarter!

Holy bundles of money, Batman! iTunes made $1.4 billion this quarter!

I know that you think you really hauled in the cash the last couple months with your new lemonade and crystal meth stand down by the library, but you are poor, dude, way poor compared to what Apple made in the first quarter of 2011: 1.4 billion, in American dollar bills. That’s a shit-ton of cash! I could pay off half my student loans with that!

This record-breaking bounty is up an astonishing 27 percent from last year’s earnings of 1.1 billion. Apple’s Steve Jobs had this to say: “We’re loaded, absolutely loaded, and I’m gonna buy Iceland. We’re planning on bringing it back from complete financial ruin and renaming it iLand so that I can finally have a place to store all of my turtleneck sweaters. Buy our stuff, buy our stuff, buy our stuff or all your friends will hate you. Thanks.”

So, can I borrow a couple bucks to feed my family tonight? Oh… okay… you need it, I understand. I understand.

• Apple: http://www.apple.com