How-To: Rent a Beach House, Dine at a Beach House, Own a Beach House, and See Beach House Live
Welcome to the latest How-To feature on Tiny Mix Tapes. Today we are going to discuss Beach Houses. What are these tropical getaways and how can we use them to better our lives? I’m going to answer all of these questions and more.
Before we begin today’s How-To, we have to think about how to rent a Beach House. My friends at the travel agency tell me that www.beachhouse.com is the perfect place to find and rent your perfect Beach House. Log on and rent one. Done? Good, so grab a plane and fly there. Now you are situated at your rented Beach House. What do you plan to do now?
Well, you could go to sleep; I’m sure the trip was tiring. Alternatively, you could dine at your rented Beach House. My comrades at the travel agency inform me that The Beach House is the perfect place to dine. Did you know that this particular Beach House offers spectacular ocean and sunset views of the Poipu coastline? Yes, I didn’t either until I Googled it.
After your tasty dinner, one would assume you don’t want to leave your rented Beach House. Have you noticed how I keep saying “rented Beach House”? You see, that’s because you don’t own it. But you can! Remember that handy-dandy web address where you found your rental Beach House? You can go back there and possibly purchase the very Beach House you are renting. Hot damn!
So what now? You’ve rented a Beach House, dined at The Beach House, and now you own one. Only one thing is left, silly. You should go out and listen to the dream-pop outfit that coincidentally refer to themselves using the same name as your home away from home. Beach House even released their first album last year on Carpark Records. Talk about the perfect vacation package!
Want a little taste of paradise before investing in a Beach House? Beach House are touring right now! Get out there and try a life of luxury for a night.
All dates with The Clientele:
Def Jam Co-Founder Russell Simmons Seeks Voluntary Ban on "Bitch," "Ho," and "Nigger"
With a war in Iraq, a genocide in Sudan, and a health care crisis, it's interesting how some white dude named Don Imus could overshadow it all with his shock-jocking "nappy-headed ho" comment. Suddenly, hip-hop lyrics once again became the center of attention, resulting in high-profile forums, intense debates, and a media shitstorm all framed in terms of racial responsibility. In this complex web of productive and ignorant discussions, here are two reactions that I found particularly interesting:
- "Don Imus is not a hip-hop artist or a poet. Hip-hop artists rap about what they see, hear and feel around them, their experience of the world... Sometimes their observations or the way in which they choose to express their art may be uncomfortable for some to hear, but our job is not to silence or censor that expression. Our job is to be an inclusive voice for the hip-hop community and to help create an environment that encourages the positive growth of hip-hop."
- "[Hip-Hop Summit Action Network] is concerned about the growing public outrage concerning the use of the words ‘bitch,' ‘ho,' and ‘nigger.' We recommend that the recording and broadcast industries voluntarily remove/bleep/delete the misogynistic words ‘bitch' and ‘ho' and the racially offensive word ‘nigger.' "
Believe it or not, both quotes are actually from Russell Simmons, co-founder of Def Jam Recordings, and were released on behalf of Hip-Hop Summit Action Network on two different occasions (1 2). To be fair, he does say the ban should be "voluntary" and that it's "not about censorship," but what is this really about then? Out of respect for "African Americans" and females? Or is it because people are suddenly demanding accountability for a white person's comments by looking to hip-hop, a style of music dominated by black artists? Public relations?
It's hard to shake the feeling that Simmons (who everyone seems to call a "rap mogul") is changing his tune because talking heads like Rev. Al Sharpton have been so vocally insistent that labels and artists crack down on hip-hop lyrics (Sharpton plans on buying stock in Time Warner and Universal Music Group to earn rights to go to shareholder meetings and complain about hip-hop lyrics). That and, of course, the influence of the private HSAN meeting that was held between record executives, industry leaders, and community activists at the home of Warner Music's Lyor Cohen. Yeah, a private meeting. In this context, if hip-hop lyrics are reflections of the artist's experiences, as Russell Simmons says, would a sudden absence of, say, the word "nigger" reflect a cultural progression or a cultural imposition?
Speaking of cultural impositions, in February, the New York City Council passed a resolution that symbolically bans the word "nigger" and asks that any album with "nigger" in its lyrics be excluded from Grammy considerations. But if the word is being used as a term of endearment, why should artists feel pressured to self-censor, and why should the album be exempt from the Grammys? I mean, does the appropriation of the word "nigger" by African Americans mean anything anymore? Sounds like a big ball of power and control to me. Misogyny and racism extend far beyond radio broadcasting and hip-hop, and the effectiveness of banning certain vocabulary in hip-hop lyrics to eliminate such deep-rooted problems with such widespread manifestations is, to this particular writer, misguided.
Espers' Meg Baird Has a Deep, Dark Rumor
There are plenty of deep, dark rumors that have been circulating throughout this crazy rolly-coaster called "the music business" for ages. One concerns that young mod-turned-old-American-classics-interpreter Rod Stewart, who is known for being "thrifty." It has been noted that Rod the Cod often pays for goods in stores and restaurants by check. It is a pretty good scam for all would-be star hounds and star scrooges: if you are receiving a check from Rod from Nod, you will be more apt to keep the check in a frame rather than cashing it and it saves Rod the Stew the $4.99 at Checkers or Radio Shack for stuff that he obviously cannot afford. Store clerks get their very own piece of celebrity paraphernalia and Rod the iPod keeps his pockets full via big, big savings. It's win-win!
Another industry goodie involves every red-blooded psych 'n' prog lover's heroes Pink Floyd, who, it is persistently alleged, recorded the rotten mega-selling(out) concept album The Wall with one reason in mind: to recoup substantial losses they incurred investing unwisely in... (wait for it)... SKATEBOARDS during the 1970s! The Floyd and skateboards? Yeah, I can definitely see that as a natural fit. Wonder what the christ went wrong?
I am guessing Meg Baird -- erstwhile Espers and Baird Sisters songbird -- has a hidden, secretive side, although practicing cheapskate tricks to save a few bucks or jumping on the latest rolling flatboard bandwagon probably do not figure into it. One secret (that was never really a secret) of hers is now out of the bag, because it has been proudly announced by all at Drag City that they will release her solo album called Dear Companion on May 22. On it, you will hear her playing trad tales and home-spun faery folk and singing of Williams sweet and Ellens fair.
If Meg Baird came into "Nadelle's Appalachian Sing-along and Magi-Medieval Emporium" to buy a cap o'rushes and a woven basket, I'd keep her check.
1. Dear Companion
2. River Song
3. The Cruelty of Barbary Allen
4. Do What You Gotta Do
5. The Waltze of the Tennis Players
6. Riverhouse in Tinicum
7. Maiden in the Moor Lay
8. Sweet William and Fair Ellen
9. All I Ever Wanted
10. Willie O'Winsbury
Espers are a-touring:
04.25.07 - Dublin, Ireland - Crawdaddy
04.26.07 - London, England - Dingwalls #
04.27.07 - Aberdeen, Scotland - The Lemon Tree $
04.28.07 - Glasgow, Scotland - Tramway $
04.29.07 - Edinburgh, Scotland - Liquid Room $
05.19.07 - Nelsonville, OH - Hockhocking Festival
# w/Voice of the Seven Woods & Sharron Kraus
Belong Teams up with The Album Leaf to Play in a Theater, Hotel, Ballroom, Church, the Middle East, and a Pig; Discrepancy Disrupts American Family Life Everywhere
A conspiracy exists, my friends: the culprits who named the venues that Belong are playing are evil. Belong, a duo of electronic drone transfusers, is heading out on tour in support of their new, as-yet unnamed EP, the follow-up to last year's October Language. That's all well and good, but before you go out to see one of their shows, I will expose the evils of the venue names. This darkness will be explained via a dialogue between a mother and her child.
Let's zoom in on Cambridge, MA. Billy and his girlfriend Suzie are about to tell Billy's mother the evening's agenda. The old, sweet lady speaks first.
"Hi, honey. Whatcha doin' tonight?"
"Well, Mamma, Suzie and I were going to catch a show at the Middle East."
"Middle East? Did you say Middle East? I don't want you goin' there."
"Yeah, Mom. Okay just lay off it, we're seeing Belong and The Album Leaf."
"Oh is that them Taliban codenames? I always knew you weren't American enough for this family!"
"I hate you mother! Come on Suzie, let's blow this hellhole and mellow out to some amazing glitchy electonic music!"
All dates with The Album Leaf:
CEO on CEO Porn: Warner CEO Bronfman Sues Vivideni, Former Simon & Schuster CEO Threatens to Sue Bronfman
Warner Music Group's current CEO Edgar Bronfman Jr. (known to his friends like TMT as "Efer") has sued media conglomerate Vivendi SA over his pension, claiming his payments have been cut by almost 65%. Back when he was employed by Vivendi SA, Brofman was the company's largest single shareholder and head of Segram during the late-2000 merger of Canal+, Seagram, and Vivendi. He left Vivendi in 2002. Although Vivendi informed Bronfman last year that a company error earned him 15 years of "additional service," Bronfman has claimed that he signed three contracts through a "Benefit Equalization Plan," which he alleges earns him credit beyond his pension payments.
All very interesting, yeah?
Now reports are surfacing that former Simon & Schuster CEO Dick Snyder is threatening to sue Bronfman. In a $100 million lawsuit, Synder claims that WMG never compensated him for his role in helping negotiate Bronfman's takeover of WMG. The "role" he claims is that he was Bronfman's "personal adviser" who created the WMG deal in the first place but just didn't officially close it. According to a draft of the potential lawsuit acquired by The Post, it says "Given his track record, Bronfman Jr. lacked the capacity and sound business judgment necessary to conceive of or consummate the acquisition of Warner Music Group on his own." However,, several anonymous sources disagree with his assessment. Even our own anonymous source said "I bet he's lying." Compelling!
Bronfman Jr., of course, is now the CEO of Warner Music Group since 2004 and has become quite the figure as WMG and the rest of the major label groups try to acclimate to the volatile digital music industry. So why should you care about a CEO suing for money and an ex-CEO suing for money when you wish you could sue for money yourself? Well, I didn't really want to tell you this... but... you, my friend, are Edgar Bronfman Jr, CEO of Warner Music Group since 2004.
Chris Garneau Dances With The Stars, Tours
"If you need anything, just put a dime in the phone," says my landlady. She's a nice person, a bit eccentric, a bit odd, but a real sweetheart, if for no other reason than she claims the above phrase is "an old Italian expression."
"How old?" I'll ask, but I already know it can't be any older than telephones, and no more recent than when you actually could put a dime in the phone. In fact, I'm pretty sure it's not an old Italian expression but a universal phrase.
It's a very democratic phrase. Imagine politicians using it as a slogan. We'd be much more appreciative of our representatives if we could follow my landlady's advice. Plus, anyone in doubt of such a candidate would be prompted to rethink their position with the question my landlady asks after everything: "Am I right or wrong?" You're right, so very right.
I mention all of this because it reminds me of Chris Garneau. His music feels open and sweeping in its own insular nature. It seems like a lesser-known, downtrodden definition for "Democracy" that no one uses, something smaller and independent and all-encompassing in emotion rather than one grand idea. If the National Anthem were changed to Gershwin's "Rhapsody in Blue," Garneau's music could wait in its shadow, its animas, its black sheep. And that's not necessarily a bad thing. He's honest, or he seems like it anyway. If I really did need something, I could just put a dime in the phone.
Of course, a phone call costs more than a dime, and he knows that. He knows, and he'll give you the extra 15 cents just because. This is the land of opportunity, and he is going on tour in support of Music for Tourists starting May 13 in North Manchester, Indiana. It sounds like a nice place, am I right or wrong?
Right.
U.S. Air Guitar Championship Kicks Off; I Practice Naked and It Becomes Mistaken for an Unmentionable Act by My Mother
Back in high school, I wrote for the school paper. I was given a whole page to create, so I thought up some bullshit stories. After doing some "research," I discovered the serious reality of the U.S. Air Guitar Championship. I got kicked off of the paper not too long after, and I realized that my destiny was to write superfluous stories with halfway believable information. If I didn't move on to college, I most likely would have gone the air guitar route, but not to say none of these people have any integrity.
You might find yourself wondering whether this is real or not, and a select few may even be wondering what air guitar is. If you are, you've been living in a vagina your whole life. Air guitar has been around since Adam and Eve and most importantly helped launch the careers of Keanu Reeves and Alex Winter in the god-fearing film Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure. Now, treading back on what I just wrote, Alex Winter's career as I speak is most likely along the lines of being a judge or performing at the U.S. Air Guitar Championship... maybe even working at Jack-in-the-Box. (Sorry, I like you, Alex Winter, but I admire Jack-in-the-Box more.)
I would most likely attend the competition in hopes to see Bill S. Preston, Esq. battle an imaginary axe against the dude who played Death in the sequel, but odds are that many of us are wondering if this amusing idea is transferable to a blood-thirsty audience. I guess you'll have to go find out for yourself when the U.S. Air Guitar Championship goes on a 14-city tour to the likes of Chicago, Austin, Boston, New York City, Washington D.C., and Los Angeles. The U.S. tournament will end when the winners from each city are flown to NYC to fight for their right to look like a complete jackass. And just when you thought that was enough sexellent* action, the final U.S. winner will advance to Finland for the world championships against 13 other countries.
It's too late to enter, but you can still play crotch guitar along with the others. You might as well show your support and live out your Bill and Ted fantasy with the others. However, to make this story relatable, I am just like you. In high school (or last month), I was caught by my mom playing air guitar naked in her bathroom. She thought I was masturbating, but really I was doing a naked rendition of Def Leppard's "Photograph." If naked air guitar isn't your thing, you can also try and catch the documentary Air Guitar Nation, which opened March 23, at a hipster theater near you. But if naked air guitar is, in fact, your thing, then please remember that an erection is no Gibson. Be safe.
Here are the U.S. dates. Enjoy!
* Sexellent is the new word I use. Get used to it.
Sigur Rós to Release "Unplugged" Album to the Dismay of Ros' "Electric" Fans; Consider Reversing Entire Album for Release
According to Eighteen Seconds Before Sunrise, Sigur Rós (the band, not the sports drink) have been busy this year with several projects. Perhaps in an effort to reduce their carbon footprint -- it was Earth Day yesterday, after all -- Sigur Rós announced the release of a new "full-length album of acoustic songs." Reports indicate that the album consists of a hybrid technology involving the replacement of petroleum-based, battery-powered D'Addario strings with wound steel strings (technology made popular by Nirvana on MTV Unplugged). No final release date has been confirmed, but there's a tentative release month of October.
Sigur Rós also plan several other releases for 2007 and early 2008. In addition to a new EP due in August that will feature tracks "Salka," "Lagið à gær," "Rokklagið," a new version of "Von" (which was originally released on the group's first album, Von), and bonus live footage, the group has tentative dates penciled in for three DVDs:
(1) Film/soundtrack Hlemmur will finally see release as a DVD/CD package in July.
(2) A live DVD of last summer's tour in Iceland will be issued around the release of the acoustic full-length LP.
(3) Odin's Raven Magic in concert will be available also as a DVD/CD package sometime early next year.
There's also a 32-page book called In A Frozen Sea, which will "come encased in a 12″ vinyl jacket and be available on its own or as part of a limited edition vinyl package with three of the band’s 12″ lps," scheduled for June 1. You can read more about this release here.
In other Sigur Rós news, the band this past weekend performed two new tracks on Saturday Night Live (with Scarlett Johansson hosting), while former member KristÃn Anna Valtýsdóttir (under the name Kria Brekkan) will release a new album titled Pullhair Rubeye with Animal Collective's Avey Tare tomorrow. Meanwhile, Sigur Rós the sports drink announced it will only use meat from free-range chickens starting sometime in July.
Photo: Morgunblaðið & Fréttablaðið
Sigur Rós to Release "Unplugged" Album to the Dismay of Ros' "Electric" Fans; Consider Reversing Entire Album for Release
According to Eighteen Seconds Before Sunrise, Sigur Rós (the band, not the sports drink) have been busy this year with several projects. Perhaps in an effort to reduce their carbon footprint -- it was Earth Day yesterday, after all -- Sigur Rós announced the release of a new "full-length album of acoustic songs." Reports indicate that the album consists of a hybrid technology involving the replacement of petroleum-based, battery-powered D'Addario strings with wound steel strings (technology made popular by Nirvana on MTV Unplugged). No final release date has been confirmed, but there's a tentative release month of October.
Sigur Rós also plan several other releases for 2007 and early 2008. In addition to a new EP due in August that will feature tracks "Salka," "Lagið à gær," "Rokklagið," a new version of "Von" (which was originally released on the group's first album, Von), and bonus live footage, the group has tentative dates penciled in for three DVDs:
(1) Film/soundtrack Hlemmur will finally see release as a DVD/CD package in July.
(2) A live DVD of last summer's tour in Iceland will be issued around the release of the acoustic full-length LP.
(3) Odin's Raven Magic in concert will be available also as a DVD/CD package sometime early next year.
There's also a 32-page book called In A Frozen Sea, which will "come encased in a 12″ vinyl jacket and be available on its own or as part of a limited edition vinyl package with three of the band’s 12″ lps," scheduled for June 1. You can read more about this release here.
In other Sigur Rós news, the band this past weekend performed two new tracks on Saturday Night Live (with Scarlett Johansson hosting), while former member KristÃn Anna Valtýsdóttir (under the name Kria Brekkan) will release a new album titled Pullhair Rubeye with Animal Collective's Avey Tare tomorrow. Meanwhile, Sigur Rós the sports drink announced it will only use meat from free-range chickens starting sometime in July.
Photo: Morgunblaðið & Fréttablaðið
The Decemberists Embark On Orchestral Tour And Trip Into Utter Insanity
Sooooo, The Decemberists are embarking on a tour. But it's not just a tour. It's... (whisper it) orchestral. The Decemberists are going to be playing alongside orchestral arrangements composed by Sean O'Loughlin.
This is a problem. A serious problem. It puts them firmly at step 5 of Nunpuncher's Patented Ambitious Indie Pop Band Descent Metric (NPAIPBDM -- colloquially known as the Nuhpaipbuhdum). The Decemberists have been on my watchlist for a while, but it's only now that I feel I have enough evidence to go public with my findings.
I just... I just wish I'd been brave enough to speak up earlier. Before it was too late.
Nunpuncher's Patented Ambitious Indie Pop Band Descent Metric:Pass the yayo:
1) Decent album
2) Another decent album
3) Album with at least two songs over 7 minutes
4) Concept album* POINT OF NO RETURN *
5) Orchestral tour
6) COCAAAAAAAAAYNE
7) Poetry collection
8) Double album
9) Tour involving EITHER: a choir of dancing children, OR: dancing midgets in some capacity
10) Further cocaine
11) Album of songs played in a new scale based on obscure numerological system that singer invented after reading books on the Mayan apocalypse prophecy, European stone circles, and Mexican sitcoms from the 1980s
12) Declaration that singer is queen of Spain
07.07.07 - Los Angeles, CA - Hollywood Bowl (with LA Philharmonic, Band of Horses opens)
07.13.07 - Atlanta, GA - Chastain Park (with Atlanta Symphony Orchestra)
07.14.07 - Columbia, MD - Merriweather Post Pavilion (with Baltimore Symphony Orchestra)
07.15.07 - Philadelphia, PA - Mann Center (with the Mann Festival Orchestra)
07.18.07 - Chicago, IL - Grant Park Music Festival at Pritzker Pavilion (with Grant Park Orchestra) - Freeeeeeeeee!
And for those of you who would rather not watch The Decemberists twisting in the steely grip of the Nuhpaibuhdum, they're playing some gigs entirely orchestra-free:
06.17.07 - Manchester, TN - Bonnaroo Music Festival
07.16.07 - New York City, NY - Central Park Summerstage (Grizzly Bear, Land of Talk open)
07.22.07 - Portland, OR - Edgefield Winery (Menomena opens)
Four out of Five Crooners Agree: The Jesus Lizard Will Be Ring-A-Ding on DVD!
"Rock 'n' roll smells phony and false. It is sung, played and written, for the most part, by cretinous goons. And, by means of its almost imbecilic reiteration, and sly, lewd and in plain fact, dirty lyrics -- it manages to be the martial music of every side-burned delinquent on the face of the earth."
"A rancid-smelling aphrodisiac."
"Rock 'n' roll is the most brutal, ugly, desperate, vicious form of expression it has been my misfortune to hear."
All of the quotes above were said by Frank Sinatra. For a man who simply hated rock 'n' roll, we can't help but wonder what he must have thought of Chicago friction-filled foursome The Jesus Lizard. Unbelievably (seriously, don't believe this), I recently unearthed an interview that "Ol' Blue Balls," er, "Eyes" gave just before he kicked the bucket that contains a rant about our favorite antagonistas. The tape hiss is loud and it's kinda scratchy too, but I can make out that legendary Jersey-accent saying the following words: "Listen, pally. This band of hoodlums and finks are the most smashed punks the world has ever seen. Their live show was a spectacle of degeneracy fit for the likes of Caligula and the Marquis de Sade. I'm dyin' when I hear those 18-karat bums. You'd do well to cash out your class-A barn-burner broads from these creeps as well, because they will give them the crabs. Avoid these crumb-bums at all cost and your life will be a gas. If you're a cool customer like me, you'll realize that Jesusing Lizard is not your bag. Scramsville to the coolest club and give your ripe tomato a twirl instead. That is the living end; those Jesus Lizards are original losers. Dig, Harve?"
Caligula? Crabs? Crumb-bums? I don't recall any of that when The Jesus Lizard played live. If only there was a way to see a taped performance -- eek, there is! MVD will be releasing a 65-minute DVD featuring the band live in Boston at the Venus de Milo club in 1994. MVD also stocks Nude Black Auto Mechanics 101, Latina Girls Gone Bananas #3, something called Thugs and Hot Tubs, and the 1996 made-for-TV movie Project: ALF -- bless their big hearts! But that's a whole other story. Jesus Lizard: Live will be out on June 5, and it contains 20 songs in video form (five of which are taken from a 1992 New York CBGB show, tracks 16-20 below) and has liner notes written by Michael Azerrad (Our Band Could Be Your Life).
As far as quotes go, I prefer this one from the Touch & Go website: "To put it bluntly (or perhaps to merely state the obvious), The Jesus Lizard were the greatest live band of the last decade of the 20th century. Mr. David Yow will forever be the frontman to end all frontmen." That may be all true, but did they ever bang Ava Gardner? End of story, pally!
My own urine-stained tracklist:
1. Gladiator
2. Mouthbreather
3. Destroy Before Reading
4. Puss
5. Bloody Mary
6. Nub
7. Horse
8. One Evening
9. The Associate
10. Killer McHann
11. Mailman
12. Boilermaker
13. Fly on the Wall
14. Chrome
15. Seasick
16. Then Comes Dudley
17. If You Had Lips
18. My Own Urine
19. Wheelchair Epidemic
20. Monkey Truck
