I Am Not Afraid of You and I Will Release an EP

I believe it was Winston Churchill who once said, "Stand, and ask 'When can you sit?'" Powerful words. It is the mantra I live by. Some say it is foolish of me. Others say I must be a genius for seeing such merit in a phrase so innocuous. Yes, I am a genius. And no, I am not foolish. To those that say I am, I simply recall Mark Twain's famous line, "Egypt has a lot of denial." Again, powerful.

How does it feel to be reading the words that were originally thoughts inside a genius' head? It's hard for me to imagine (but not too hard because I am a genius). The full glory of my expressions is different for me, like an approximation of what you feel. It is not unlike a photograph — a two-dimensional representation of a three-dimensional world. Yes, truly I am your superior.

But I digress. My soul splits. One part of me wants to discuss the simpleton's view of my intellect, while the other wants to bestow upon the simpleton some earth-shattering news I just mathematically proved. So I will sew the two sides together, for your sake. The procedure is not unlike Ralph Waldo Emerson's verse, "You take the high road, I'll take the low road, and the two will diverge into one." And yet, something doesn't seem right about that.

Perhaps I am just overwhelmed by my equation. Yes, I, me, a genius, have mathematically proven that Yo La Tengo, of musical fame, are releasing an ONLINE EP through iTunes. The band, embodying my best qualities, has bestowed a gift to you, the pedestrian. Although it is not a companion piece to their recent seminal work, I Am Not Afraid of You and I Will Beat Your Ass, I am calling it one. The EP is a live session, featured in this particular order: "El Es Gay," "Pass the Hatchet," "I Think I'm Goodkind," "The Weakest Part," and "Luci Baines" (Arthur Lee cover). All have been mathematically proven, and I will spare you the notation because only I would understand it.

Yo La Tengo also have some tourdates planned, which reminds me of a quote from horror master Albert Hitchcock: "In life, you're gonna get a lot of chocolate, sometimes in boxes." Chilling:

Drawing: Jad Fair

Weasel Walter Jazz Quartet Comes Alive!

All featuring combos of Weasel Walter (drums) with Damon Smith (bass), Henry Kaiser (guitar), Marshall Allen (alto), Elliott Levin (tenor), John Gruntfest (reed), Jon Raskin (reed), David Slusser (reed), Phillip Greenlief (reed), Jennifer Hicks (movement), Mary Halvorson (guitar), Marco Eneidi (alto), Marc Edwards (drums), Lisle Ellis (bass), and Elliott Levin (tenor).

He’s Making A List and Checking It Twice; Low Begins Tour After Receiving Coal For Christmas

Ho, ho, ho! Yes, that's right, boys and girls, Santa was in a nasty mood this year and was caught giving out coal to all the artists signed to any independent music label beginning with the letter "S". While the folks over at Secretly Canadian were happy with their newfound energy-creating resource, the poor souls over at Sub Pop weren't so lucky. Word on the street is that Low were so distraught they wrote a slow song about it. Oh, that Santa! Turning the world on its head, I tell you!

The mighty trio, currently consisting of Alan Sparhawk, Mimi Parker, and new bassist Matt Livingston, have decided to turn their Christmas Crisis into a Christmas Opportunity. The group, set to release their new LP, Drums and Guns, in March, are heading out on a little romp around the globe.

The dates include a short stint at this year's Dirty Three-curated All Tomorrow's Parties in Somerset, UK, which, for those of you keeping track, will be happening at the same time as Coachella 2007 in Indio, CA.

Low Tourdates Here (sorry readers, I was running out of time)

Here's a list of all the artists you will not be seeing at Coachella 2007, because you will be happily attending ATP 2007 instead:

Nick Cave / Grinderman / The Dirty Three / Low / Papa M / The Drones / Faun Fables / Brokeback / Tara Jane O'Neil / Magnolia Electric Company / A Silver Mt. Zion / Devastations / Felix Lajko / Bill Callahan (Smog) / Josh Pearson / Mick Harvey / Shannon Wright / Conway Savage / Cat Power / Spiritualized / Mum Smokes / Small Knives / Joanna Newsom / Yann Tiersen / White Magic / Psarandonis / Ian Wadley / Art of Fighting / Afrirampo / Youpi Youpi Yeah / Alan Vega (Suicide) / Roscoe Mitchell

By the way, Santa Claus gave me a gigantic pile of coal for telling you that. Sorry, St. Nick.

Dave Longstreth Realizes the Importance of Being The Dirty Projectors; Tours, Too

Dave Longstreth: You really love me, North America?

North America: Passionately!

DL: Darling! You don't know how happy you've made me.

NA: My own Dirty Projectors!

DL: But you don't really mean to say that you couldn't love me if my name wasn't The Dirty Projectors?

NA: But your name is The Dirty Projectors.

DL: Yes, I know it is. But supposing it was something else? Do you mean to say you couldn't love me then?

NA: [Glibly.] Ah! that is clearly a metaphysical speculation and like most metaphysical speculations has very little to do with the actual facts of life, as we know them.

DL: Personally, darling, to speak quite candidly, I don't much care about the name of The Dirty Projectors... I don't think the name suits me at all.

NA: It suits you perfectly. It is a divine name. It has a music of its own. It produces vibrations.

DL: Well, really, North America, I must say that I think there are lots of other much nicer names. I think Dave, for instance, is a charming name.

NA: Dave?... No, there is very little music in the name Dave, if any at all, indeed. It does not thrill. It produces absolutely no vibrations... I have known several Daves, and they all, without exception, were more than usually plain. Besides, Dave is a notorious domesticity for David! And I pity any woman who is married to a man called David. She would probably never be allowed to know the entrancing pleasure of a single moment's solitude. The only really safe name is The Dirty Projectors.

DL: North America, I must get christened at once -- I mean we must get married at once. There is no time to be lost.

The Dirty Projectors will marry North America at all of the following:

News Flash! John Lennon Was A Leftist Anti-War Liberal! Oh, Wait…

By now, I'm pretty used to reading about dumb moves by the U.S. government, but this one made me spit out my coffee. Apparently, the FBI has until recently declined to release documents containing details about John Lennon's leftist ties and activities, for fear that they would spark "military retaliation against the United States." Shit, girl! I'm thinking these "details" gotta be pretty juicy, dig? Sorry to disappoint, but it goes more like this: apparently, John Lennon committed such heinous and shocking acts as being interested in helping finance a left-wing book shop and reading room in London. Lennon never even forked the money over, but the very IDEA that he would was enough to send the FBI into a tizzy.

But wait, there's more! Another document describes an interview Lennon gave to an underground newspaper, noting that "Lennon emphasized his proletarian background and his sympathy with the oppressed and underprivileged people of Britain and the world." Clearly, John Lennon was a damn commie pig and a danger to the welfare of fine upstanding capitalists everywhere! For real.

In actuality, the FBI's reason for squirreling away these documents is shrouded in mystery, shall we say. Says the rather hi-larious Mark Rosenbaum of the American Civil Liberties Union, "The ultimate lesson of these documents is that the head of document classification for the FBI must be Stephen Colbert."

Click here to read the Super Top Secret Files rumored to bring on Tony Blair's game face.

Akron/Family Change Name To Akron@Family To Cultivate New, Forward-Looking, Connected Image; Tour

Akron/Family are touring. They're touring! Touring! Touring!

Oh, yeah! Yeah! Touring! TOOOUUUUUUUUURRRRRRIIIIING! In support of their new album (album album album!!!) Meek Warrior (TMT Review)! Oh yeah! TOOOOOUUUUUUUURRRRIIING!

Ah-whoooaaaaaah, Akron/Family are touring! YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAH! Touring. Touring.

Touring. Touring! Touring! Touring! TOURING!

They're gonna play on the following daaaaaaay-hey-hey-heytes:

Photo: Deborah Samantha

News

  • Recent
  • Popular


TMT IS SEEKING NEWS WRITERS

Click here to apply