I can’t spell away this hurt that’s drippin’ down my cheek… The Mendoza Line’s D-I-V-O-R-C-E will be final someday, but not before they release a two-disc send off.

It is not a well-known fact, but after history’s most famous psychologist/analyst/research findings-fabricator Sigmund Freud said his famous last words (“My dear Schur, you remember our first talk. You promised to help me when I could no longer carry on. It is only torture now, and it has no longer any sense.”) and before he went on to the great beyond, he actually turned to his companion and angel of mercy Schur (who was preparing the fatal opium dose at the time), smirked and said, “Women. What do they want?” That is a bit of a loaded question, isn’t it Siggy? Well, I just assumed they wanted pretty much the same things men wanted: a bottomless keg in the garage, steakums on Saturday night, and ten uninterrupted minutes a day in the can with the Victoria Secret’s catalogue. Am I right or am I right?

We’re not sure what women want. And we don’t know what most men want. We don’t know much. We are not sure what The Mendoza Line’s Shannon McArdle wants, but we know it won’t involve her former partner and paramour. We don’t know what Tim Bracy wants either, but we do know he will carry on The Mendoza Line name without his spouse and sidekick. To celebrate (what?), um, commemorate (closer...), er, close the chapter (that’s it!) on the dissolution of their marriage and the reworking of the Mendoza Line line-up, the band will release a two-disc package before both Bracy and McArdle start the next phase of their respective lives.

We would never cheer for a break-up, but if it has to happen, we hope some great music comes from it at least. 30 Year Low is the couple’s last album together as part of The Mendoza Line, and it will be available August 21 through Glurp. The eight-song (mini) album comes packaged with a second CD of covers (Bob Dylan, Bruce Springsteen, Richard Thompson, Cole Porter, Arab Strap), live takes, demos, and unreleased songs called Final Remarks of the Legendary Malcontent. Coping with heartbreak and loss has never been this easy.

30 Year Low:

1. Since I Came
2. Aspect of an Old Maid
3. 31 Candles
4. I Lost My Taste
5. Love on Parole
6. Stepping on My Heels
7. Thirty Year Low
8. Tell It to the Raven

Final Remarks of the Legendary Malcontent:

1. Anything Goes
2. It Helps To Leave the House
3. Fleur de Lie (live)
4. Withered and Dies
5. Tougher Than the Rest
6. Go Shopping
7. Now Or Never Or Later (original demo)
8. Packs of Three
9. Tax Me
10. It Takes a Lot To Laugh, It Takes a Train To Cry
11. I Am Small
12. Golden Boy (live)
13. The Likely Nominee
14. Mysterious in Black
15. Mike T. Interlude
16. Over the Hill
17. Angry Crafts
18. Metro Pictures

Devendra Banhart Goes on Tour While I Stay Home and Start a Series of Exquisite Corpses

Remember that time Devendra Banhart was in that music video with Beck? Too bad Beck is a total scientologist. Maybe a few passages from Dianetics will help Devendra clean up. Shave, get a haircut, get a real job. I’ve heard he’s always wanted to adopt some Chinese children; just go ahead and realize that dream, buddy!

Oh, but if a dream is but a dream, then a boy is but a boy; though we all know an eight-year-old is quite different in soul and britches to a twelve-year-old, but let’s not hold it (or him) against Devendra. Think “Little Children” on tour, coming to your town! Trust me, these will be all-ages affairs. No confirmation yet, but word is kids under twelve get free backstage passes. So when your girlfriend’s little brother wants to tag along, just send him backstage and start in on the tonsil-hockey.

Afterwards, don’t even worry about cleaning up, these kids know they have to pick up after themselves if they want animal crackers and apple juice. The minivans pull up and it’s quiet again, but not for long. An inviting scent seeps under the curtains and you feel as insignificant as Jennifer Aniston after her split with Pitt, because yet again, the Petya Romanov family has overcome the internet.

Devendra Banhart Tourdates:
09.01.07 - Vancouver, British Columbia - Commodore Ballroom
09.02.07 - Seattle, WA - Bumbershoot Festival
09.04.07 - Portland, OR - Crystal Ballroom
09.06.07 - Santa Cruz, CA - Rio Theater
09.07.07 - Berkeley, CA - Zellerbach Hall at University of California
09.10.07 - Denver, CO - Ogden Theatre (Native American benefit)
09.12.07 - Omaha, NE - Sokol Auditorium
09.13.07 - Lawrence, KS - Liberty Hall Theater
09.15.07 - Minneapolis, MN - First Avenue
09.16.07 - Milwaukee, WI - Pabst Theater
09.18.07 - Chicago, IL - Portage Theater
09.19.07 - Detroit, MI - Majestic Theater
09.21.07 - Toronto, Ontario - Danforth Music Hall
09.22.07 - Montreal, Quebec - Le National
09.23.07 - Burlington, VT - Davis Center Grand Ballroom at University of Vermont
09.25.07 - Boston, MA - Roxy Ballroom
09.27.07 - New York, NY - Grand Ballroom
09.29.07 - Philadelphia, PA - Theatre of Living Arts
10.01.07 - Washington, DC - Sixth & I Historic Synagogue
10.04.07 - Nashville, TN - City Hall
10.06.07 - Dallas, TX - Granada Theater
10.07.07 - Austin, TX - La Zona Rosa
10.09.07 - Albuquerque, NM - Sunshine Theater (Native American benefit)
10.10.07 - Tucson, AZ - Rialto Theater
10.12.07 - Phoenix, AZ - Marquee Theater
10.13.07 - Los Angeles, CA - Orpheum Theatre

Blonde Redhead Tour For Two Months This Fall; Abruptly Stop For Recognition and Hot Chocolate

I once sat on my ass and read through one of those hot chocolate coffee table books. You know, the ones that people intentionally display in their homes to act like they're much cooler than you. Oh me? I do it too -- big deal. Now back to the subject at hand, and believe me, this subject was definitely in my hands one dark and cold evening last winter. It consumed my mind and forced me to make myself a cup of hot chocolate. Plus, I discovered many amazing facts about hot chocolate that I will now spontaneously share with you!

- In 18th Century England, Chocolate Houses were built for the elite hot chocolate drinkers because chocolate was a rare and expensive commodity.

- Hot chocolate was originally just called chocolate since the chocolate bar hadn't been invented by Willy Wonka yet. After the invention of the chocolate bar, the elite chocolate aficionados were forced to call their precious chocolate drink, "hot chocolate."

- Hot chocolate is extremely tasty with marshmallows.

- The first hot cocoa recipe originally involved cocoa, water, wine, and peppers. Ew, peppers!

- Hot chocolate is even tastier with marshmallows and whipped topping.

- Hot chocolate is typically associated with James Taylor Christmas covers, sledding, fleece blankets, and making out on a couch near a fire.

- Hot chocolate is even more ridiculously tastier with marshmallows, whipped topping, and chocolate syrup on the whipped topping. To add to the tastiness, you can even add a peppermint stick for aesthetics and taste.

For more of those amazing facts, visit a coffee table near you! Now back to the real creamy, chocolaty substance of this story.

Blonde Redhead may or may not drink hot chocolate to current scholarly coffee-book knowledge, but the minimal two-month tour during the months of August and September and not the wintry months to follow could only be explained by a desire to create more excellent indie rock and/or pat themselves on the back for getting their new album 23 (TMT Review) into the best-of lists for 2007. And let us not forget the real reason for the short jaunt. Blonde Redhead will need lots of time this winter to try the plethora of delicious hot chocolate drinks of the world.

I just heard from a friend of a friend of a little birdie in the industry that you can buy special-edition Blonde Redhead hot chocolate mugs at these venues:
08.03.07 - Chicago, IL - Grant Park (Lollapalooza)
08.04.07 - Cleveland, OH - House of Blues
08.05.07 - Brooklyn, NY - McCarren Park Pool *
08.07.07 - Philadelphia, PA - Fillmore #
08.08.07 - Baltimore, MD - Ram's Head Live #
08.17.07 - San Diego, CA - House of Blues
08.18.07 - Los Angeles, CA - Sunset Junction
08.19.07 - Pomona, CA - Glasshouse
09.07.07 - Northampton, MA - Pearl Street
09.08.07 - Montreal, Quebec - Parc Jean-Drapeau (Osheaga Festival)
09.09.07 - Toronto, Ontario - Islands Park (V Festival)
09.10.07 - Detroit, MI - Majestic Theater
09.12.07 - Columbia, MO - Blue Note
09.13.07 - Oklahoma City, OK - Bricktown Ballroom

* I'm From Barcelona
# Beach House

The Thermals Tour Without Butt Flap; Baby Exchanges Erupt Across Europe

ther*mal [thur muhl]

-adjective

1. warm and stuff: thermal hot water springs boil people die in Dante’s Peak)
2. hot; awesome; tubular: my roommate has been trying to get the word thermal to take off since the tenth grade because he thinks it would be thermal to invent slang; alternative energy is thermal (and sometimes also thermal); this is a thermal way to spread information

ex. A: “Yo, that new Burning Star Core disc is THERMAL.”

B: “I been diggin on that new Bjork shit, which is totally thermal too. Also she’s from Iceland, which is the other kind of thermal. Thermal!!”

A: “I would go skinny-dipping in that natural hot spring, but that scene in Dante’s Peak was definitely not thermal with me.”

B: “Yeah, it is not thermal when they keep playin that flick on USA. Get off it already.”

-noun.

1. thermals thermal underwear: sometimes thermals have a thermal butt flap see: [union suit]
2. Therm a place where unhappy parents trade their newborn children in hopes of getting some kind of child prodigy for their mediocre offspring: let’s bring Jimmy to the Therm baby exchange
2. The Thermals a punk trio soon to be touring: The Thermals are toootally thermal:

* The Big Sleep

# Ted Leo R/X

End of the Road Festival Announces Lineup; Those Who Like Watching the Likes of Yo La Tengo, Super Furry Animals, and Midlake from a Burning Porta-Potty Whilst Eating $10 Barf Burgers, You’re Gonna Be Disappointed!

H.L. Mencken -- who was blessed with a spectacular wit normally reserved to burn bureaucrats, religious zealots, politicos, censors, altruists, etc. -- was a mad genius wordsmith and, as The Christian Science Monitor claims, “had a zing that bloggers can’t touch.” We’ll ignore the professed view that bloggers have any sort of zing, because the quote is still bang on the mark. His least famous line is “There are those that Scooby Do, and those that Scooby Don’t.” Forget that the old brain was dead and buried a good decade before the Scooby Doo cartoon character first appeared. And never mind that the quote was first said while walking home from a three-week bender, to a lamppost. Okay, it was me who coined the phrase, but it is still a good line! Mencken-good in fact! Festivals have started to Scooby Do more often than Scooby Don’t, as organizers are going to great lengths to stage a friends-and-family, community atmosphere at turnouts normally as welcoming as “Bartertown” in Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome.

Taking the example and success set by much-celebrated “smaller” festivals such as the Green Man Festival as a starting point, the End of the Road Festival team have created a celebration that fits in with the modern festival aesthetic: a mass gathering with a cozy, intimate feel. Included this year are film nights, comedy and open mic stages, and workshop and children’s areas featuring a ton of activities to keep your children, and your workshops, happy while you bake your minds watching the talent up on the stage. The End of the Road Festival takes place September 14-16 at the Larmer Tree Gardens in Dorset, England.

Here is the lineup so far: Alessi, Archie Bronson Outfit, Architecture in Helsinki, The Bees, Brakes, The Broken Family Band, Charlie Parr, The Congregation, CW Stoneking, Dan Sartain, Darren Hayman, David Thomas Broughton, David Vandervelde, Devastations, Euros Childs, Findlay Brown, Herman Dune, Howe Gelb, Hush the Many, Hyacinth House, Indigo Moss, James Yorkston, Jeffrey Lewis, Jim White, Johnny Flynn, Josh T. Pearson, King Creosote, Liz Green, Malcolm Middleton, Micah P. Hinson, Midlake, Misty’s Big Adventure, Monkey Swallows the Universe, My Brightest Diamond, Paris Motel, Pete and the Pirates, Port O’ Brien, Post War Years, Reigns, Richard Swift, Seasick Steve, Slow Club, Sons of Noel and Adrian, Stephanie Dosen, Sunny Day Sets Fire, Super Furry Animals, Telegrams, The Twilight Sad, Viking Moses, Woodpigeon, Yo La Tengo, and Young Republic.

Grim, Horrifying Specter of the Us Festival No Longer Haunting Steve Jobs’ Dreams; iTunes to Host Music Festival

It’s not even actually a music “festival.” Apple is just sponsoring a series of concerts at London’s Institute of Contemporary Art throughout the month of July. Among others, Mika, Amy Winehouse, Crowded House (?), Travis, The Editors, Stereophonics, and Beverley Knight are set to perform. You know what, Jobs? I’m using the enormous amount of financial and political clout I’ve earned in my month-and-a-half of writing news for Tiny Mix Tapes and putting my foot down.

It’s not an Apple-sponsored music festival without The Clash and Van Halen almost getting into a fistfight and the company losing eight figures of money.

It’s not an Apple-sponsored festival without a Simpsons reference in like ten years.

It’s not an Apple-Sponsored festival if the lineup deviates from the Gang of Four/Talking Heads/Ramones/I-Already-Mentioned-The-Clash quality of the Us Festival.

Jobs, give me the reins. In spite of the fact that I am using and enjoying one right now, I don’t care about your product. I’m the kind of freethinking rogue the iTunes festival needs. I see a Troggs reunion. I see at least an hour of Albini spoken word. I see at least four hours of Paper Rad videos. You’ll lose millions, Jobsy, and the world will finally know you for the eccentric billionaire genius you are. We’ll rule the world with a brushed metal fist.