Indie Rock Draft Results In: Weiss To Jicks, Bolme To Quasi, Newsom To Raiders

Hey, college boy! This'll make you sit up in your '70s office chair and push your horn-rimmed glasses (with one arm taped on) back up your nose. Janet Weiss, drummer for sadly defunct college rock band Sleater-Kinney, has taken on drumming duties with non-defunct college rock band The Jicks! But, in some kind of bonus-value-added trade, the reason she's joining college rock band The Jicks is because John Moen, ex-drummer with college rock band The Jicks, has joined college rock band The Decemberists!

Don't forget that Janet Weiss is still drumming with college-rock band Quasi. And, and, and, Joanna Bolme, bassist with college rock band The Jicks, has taken to joining college rock band Quasi on tour.

Janet Weiss, ex-drummer for college rock band Sleater-Kinney and now drummer with college rock band The Jicks, had this to say: "Steve [Malkmus, leader of college rock band The Jicks] has got a bunch of ballsy new songs. I'm enjoying getting inside a new and very different brain, trying to find the drum parts that suit his creativity. I appreciate how far out and wild he gets with his playing, and look forward to forging into some new territory." Wild? Far-out? I can only assume that the next Jicks album is going to be a radical selection of totally tubular surf-rock licks.

If you're still confused about all the a-movin' and the a-shakin', check out the useful diagram below. Print it off! Put it in your pocket! Impress your friends with your handy knowledge!

Universal Announces Plan to Replace the Word “Band” with “Brand”; Big Brother Calls the Move “Doubleplusgood”; Et Tu, Of Montreal?

I was watching TV the other night when I noticed one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. It wasn't Famine or War. Hell, I see those guys every day, so that's not even news. No, it was a little-known harbinger of the judgment about the befall us — a guy called "bastardized version of an Of Montreal song in an Outback Steakhouse commercial." Come on, don't pretend you don't watch TV. You saw it, too, and, like me, you wondered whether someone had slipped some acid into your Diet Coke. Well, instead of flipping my Electric Kool-Aid shit, I just Googled "Of Montreal" and "Outback Steakhouse" — terms that, combined, should probably never yield any results. Stereogum confirmed that I wasn't tripping but couldn't explain why the designs on my wallpaper were moving. So fine, yeah, whatever; Kevin Barnes thought it was funny. Of Montreal can do no wrong. I'm trying to forget that I ever saw it.

It's getting pretty difficult to put it out of my mind, though, now that I've realized what the horseman was warning us about. Apparently, our pals at Universal, a.k.a. the world's biggest music company, feel like they're not getting enough mileage out of the term "selling out." Universal will team up with advertising company WPP to form a music and marketing behemoth they're calling "BrandAmp." I guess they figured that the cool thing that all the kids are doing is combining two words without a space in between them. You know... MySpace; YouTube. This shit can't fail. As currently conceived, the project would allow advertisers direct access to Universal's back catalog, with plans in the works to involve other artists and record labels in the future. It makes one wonder whether any of Universal's artists are going to make some noise about this. Certainly anyone signed to the world's fattest-ass record company is no MDC, but this is a pretty huge violation. I mean, please, someone defend my right not to hear PJ Harvey hawking for Wet Seal and Jurassic 5 convincing me to eat at the Olive Garden!

Well, at least we can find some solace in the words of Lucian Grainge, head of Universal's international division. "This new venture makes sense on many levels," he said. "It brings together two creative communities which are driven by innovation and imagination." Ohhh, that's right. Universal and some advertising company are "creative communities." They're practically artists' communes! And all they're doing is getting together to do a little dance, make a little love, and get down tonight. Sheesh, and here I was thinking that this was just some crass corporate bullshit. Thanks, Lucian. I feel a lot better now.

Fall Tour For Unnamed Gay Matmos Fan

This autumn, get ready for the tour that some critics have been calling:

"A true classic not to be missed!"

"One of the most rewarding tours of the year!"

"A nail-biting thriller that doesn't let go until the final note!"

Set in the year 2033 after an ecological cataclysm has devastated the land and left water as the most rare and precious resource, Matmos' October Tour stars a talented and diverse group of musicians, including: Drew Daniel as the ruthless head of the Department of Water, Martin Schmidt as a half-man/half-kangaroo mutant that lacks a moral compass, and Lori Petty in the title role as "Tank Girl." Watch as the smart, sexy, and outspoken members of Matmos share their irreverent humor and flaunt their renegade spirit to the delight of audiences nationwide.

Catch the fever today!!!

10.05.06 - Chicago, IL - Cassidy Theater #
10.06.06 - Columbus, OH - Wexner Center #
10.07.06 - Pittsburgh, PA - Andy Warhol Museum #
10.08.06 - Toronto, ON - Music Gallery #
10.09.06 - Toronto, ON - Music Gallery #
10.10.06 - Montreal, QC - Le National #
10.11.06 - Philadelphia, PA - International House #
10.12.06 - Boston, MA - Museum of Fine Arts # %
10.13.06 - New York, NY - Thalia Theater at Symphony Space #
10.14.06 - New York, NY - Thalia Theater at Symphony Space #
10.17.06 - Los Angeles, CA - Jensen Rec Center ^
10.18.06 - San Francisco, CA - Great American Music Hall ^
10.20.06 - Portland, OR - Holocene ^
10.21.06 - Seattle, WA - Triple Door ^

# w/ So Percussion
% w/ Keith Fullerton Whitman
^ w/ Walter Kitundu

Shugo Tokumaru to Take Concept of “European Tour” to NEXT LEVEL

Everyone's favorite European history buff will be returning this fall with a European tour. How perfect, right? Shugo Tokumaru will retrace Napoleon Bonaparte's exact steps across the continent, complete with bloody military defeat at Waterloo and exile on the isle of Elba when the tour is over. Furthermore, Shugo will be wearing 19th-century French military uniforms for every show, crossing treacherous terrain from gig to gig on a white horse. To top it all off, he is having reconstructive surgery to shorten himself to 5'2", the rumored height of the French king. Best of luck Shugo, and stay the hell away from Russia!

THIS JUST IN: The surgery, I'm afraid, has gone terribly, terribly wrong. Instead of Napoleon Bonaparte, the surgeon made him look exactly like... oh, Jesus Christ.... Napoleon Dynamite. No worries, this could be fun. Haha, hey Shugo, I caught you a delicious bass... oh, too soon? That was insensitive, and I apologize.

Well, whichever Napoleon he looks like, I'm sure his expansive pop — especially the stuff he plays from his last album, L.S.T. — will still be top notch:

10.19.06 - Tarragona, Spain - Scumm
10.20.06 - Castellon, Spain - Teatre Conino Gurillo
10.21.06 - Barcelona, Spain - Niu
10.24.06 - Evreux, France - L'abordage
10.25.06 - St. Brieuc, France - La Passerelle
10.26.06 - Boulognes Billancourt, France - Festival BBMiX
10.27.06 - Dijon, France - Festival Novosonic
10.28.06 - Nantes, France - Le Lieu Unique
10.29.06 - Bordeaux, France - L'INCA
11.01.06 - Malmo, Sweden - Inkonst
11.02.06 - Stockholm, Sweden - Debaser
11.03.06 - Gothenborg, Sweden - Pustervik
11.04.06 - Copenhagen, Denmark - Rust
11.07.06 - Paris, France - Studio de l'hermitage

Predictable News Title from Us? Never! Chin Up Chin Up… Tour Album Tour Album (Thanks for the lame idea, bitch-ass internet hacks!)

Art-rockPost-rockArt-rockPost-rockArt-rockArt-Art-rockPost-Poster-Artist-rock!!! You love it, and we've got it! Or you think you love it. And we might have it. More often than not, bands described in these seemingly endorsing terms seem to be as common and dry as snot on a urinal wall. (Sorry for the visual ladies, but it's true.) As with any insensitive media construct, you always have to sort the wheat from the shafting. Those already hit by the charms of Chicago's Chin Up Chin Up don't need anyone to tell them that there's something special about the band, that they have overcome and paid tribute to great loss in grand style and have made and will make many musics that divorce them from the huge blobs of barf in post-art-rock-whatevs wonderland.

Those who haven't had the pleasure yet soon will, as CUCU will release a new album and embark on a tour to spread their general loveliness and twitchy energy nationwide. When the greenhorns finally hear the sound, involuntary hands will reach upwards to gently stroke their weird beards, and with Tourette's-like yelps will confirm that "Yes! Yes, this is quite good!" About the band name and predilection for strange-sounding album titles? Well, they're not completely messed or disturbing, but certainly fit between a new girlfriend requesting "Do the Bartman" at a bar and my mom calling me to announce, "Guess what son? I'm pregnant!" on the perplex-o-scale.

Like the band's We Should Have Never Lived Like We Were Skyscrapers, the new album has a whippit-indebted title too. This Harness Can't Ride Anything was recorded by hometown producer/village bicycle Brian Deck at his Engine Studios and will be out October 10 on Suicide Squeeze. Village bicycle? Why, because everyone rides him? As a producer? What? I dunno what the hell I'm talking about. Regardless, here's the tour which includes lots of shows with Oxford Collapse, Cursive, and The Thermals and none with Farty McGillicuddy and the Tittie-twister Sisters:

10.06.06 - Pittsburgh, PA - Brillobox
10.07.06 - Brooklyn, NY - Grasslands *
10.08.06 - New Haven, CT - Bar Night Club *
10.09.06 - New Britain, CT - Semesters *
10.10.06 - Buffalo, NY - Mohawk Place *
10.11.06 - Cleveland, OH - The Spot at Case Western *
10.12.06 - Urbana, IL - Courtyard Cafe *
10.13.06 - Chicago, IL - Empty Bottle +
10.14.06 - Omaha, NE - O'Leavers
10.15.06 - Denver, CO - Ogden Theatre #
10.16.06 - Colorado Springs, CO - The Black Sheep
10.17.06 - Salt Lake City, UT - In the Venue #
10.18.06 - Boise, ID - The Venue #
10.19.06 - Walla Walla, WA - Whitman College Coffeehouse
10.20.06 - Seattle, WA - Neumos #
10.21.06 - Portland, OR - Roseland Theatre #
10.23.06 - San Francisco, CA - The Fillmore #
10.24.06 - Los Angeles, CA - Safari Sams
10.26.06 - Denton, TX - Rubbergloves *
10.27.06 - Austin, TX - Emos Lounge *
10.28.06 - Baton Rouge, LA - Spanish Moon *
10.29.06 - Atlanta, GA - The Earl $
10.30.06 - Mt. Pleasant, SC - The Village Tavern *
10.31.06 - Wilmington, NC - The Soapbox Laundrolounge *
11.01.06 - Washington, DC - Black Cat *
11.03.06 - New York, NY - Knitting Factory ^
11.05.06 - Philadelphia, PA - Johnny Brenda's %
11.06.06 - Covington, KY - Madhatters
12.02.06 - Notre Dame, IN - Legends of Notre Dame

* w/ Oxford Collapse
+ w/ Oxford Collapse and Make Believe
# w/ Cursive and The Thermals
$ w/ The Album Leaf and Oxford Collapse
^ CMJ Music Marathon Extravaganza To the Max! Woohoo!
% w/ Irving

This keyboard can't type anything, except these songs:

1. This Harness Can't Ride Anything
2. Water Planes in Snow
3. We've Got to Keep Running
4. Islands Sink
5. Mansioned
6. I Need a Friend With a Boat
7. Blankets Like Beaver
8. Landlocked Lifeguards
9. Stolen Mountains
10. Trophies for Hire

Wooden Wand, Don’t Hurt ‘Em (There, I Told You I Could Write the Most Irrational Title for a Wooden Wand News Story Ever)

Sometimes speculation is all we have. For example, we know little about the man known as Wooden Wand. We do know that he releases just about everything he puts on tape under a bunch of shifting stage names with a load of helping henchmen and women. We can listen to his songs that head trip a variety of philosophical and political persuasions and straddle traditional and non-so-traditional sounds. But the rest of the story is lost in obscurely pieced-together background bios full of strange road stories and faux-mysticism. What do we really know about the prolific and reflective Wooden Wand? Does he put his pants on just like the rest of us? Does he believe in pants? Does he strictly wear low-rise jodhpurs or chaps? We need our hard facts!

Now, I normally wouldn't merely reprint press release info, but parts of a recent WW fac-sheet outlining "10 Misconceptions and Things You Didn't Know About Wooden Wand" bare repeating (and it fleshes out my bone-thin news story, right eds?). Among the revelations are the facts that he prefers Tennessee to New York, Steely Dan to Pink Floyd, and tequila to bourbon (at least at this point in his life). There are also the following:

07. He is an avid gun enthusiast, and and is a life member of both the National Rifle Association and Gun Owners of America.*
04. His extended family includes late actor Vincent Gardenia, Chicago Cubs general manager (and former Met) Ed Lynch, "Desperate Housewives"' Andrea Bowen, and Type-O Negative's Peter Steele.**
01. Scott Ian of Anthrax once lectured a 12-year-old Wand that he was "too young to be smoking joints." He was right (They totally got high together anyway).***

* Stop...you had us at "avid gun enthusiast."

** Oh yeah, yet another case of a relative to Tinseltown, television and Triple-A baseball royalty trying his hand at music (sorry Cubs fans, I couldn't resist... let's go Dodgers, clap, clap, clap-clap-clap...war-ning track po-wer, clap, clap, clap-clap-clap!!!).

*** The same thing happened to me, but it was "generic guitarist" from Canadian 8Ts metal band Exciter, and it was huffing solvent (we totally got brain damaged together anyway, but just a little).

Figuring out what makes our boy Wooden Wand tick is tougher than a 20x20x20 Rubik's Cube. Listening is only a little less taxing, but it's a whole lot more fun. One can only imagine what a live Wooden Wand show would be like; I won't have the pleasure because the bastard isn't playing anywhere near me! So unless I finally book that long-overdue fantasy trip to Eugene, Oregon, I will have to rely on word of mouth reports which will probably muddy the Wooden Wand myth even more. The tour includes some shows with Skygreen Leopards, many with Wand's wife (the "Voice" of The Vanishing Voice, Satya Sai), and a number with recent collaborators the Sky High Band (featuring members of both Skygreen Leopards and The Vanishing Voice, and Davenport). Now is the time to sing ye, from the wilds, from the hillsides, and from your heart because the tour has already started! And if I had sent this story in last week like I was supposed to, you could have gone to those first few dates crossed off below.

10.01.06 - New York, NY - Glassland Gallery *
10.02.06 - Cleveland, OH - The Church *
10.03.06 - Chicago, IL - Empty Bottle *

10.04.06 - Des Moines, IA - Vaudeville Mews *
10.05.06 - Denver, CO - Hi-Dive *
10.06.06 - Salt Lake City, UT - The Broken Record *
10.12.06 - Oakland, CA - 21Grand
10.13.06 - Sacramento, CA - Fools Foundation #$
10.14.06 - Davis, CA - Delta of Venus #$
10.15.06 - San Francisco, CA - Hemlock Tavern #$
10.16.06 - Eugene, OR - Cozmic Pizza #$
10.17.06 - Portland, OR - Someday Lounge #$
10.18.06 - Olympia, WA - 1320 5th Ave SW (early show)
10.18.06 - Seattle, WA - Gallery 1412 #$
10.19.06 - Nevada City, NV - National Hotel
10.20.06 - Big Sur, CA - Fernwood Lodge #$
10.21.06 - Los Angeles, CA - Palace Theatre %
10.22.06 - Phoenix, AZ - Modified Arts ^
10.23.06 - Albuquerque, NM - Atomic Cantina
10.25.06 - Austin, TX - Red's Scoot Inn ^
10.26.06 - Houston, TX - The Proletariat ^
10.27.06 - New Orleans, LA - Eldon's Place
10.28.06 - Nashville, TN - Ruby Green
10.29.06 - Knoxville, TN - The Pilot Light ^
10.30.06 - Chapel Hill, NC - Night Light ^
10.31.06 - Washington, DC - Rock and Roll Hotel ^
11.01.06 - Baltimore, MD - Golden West ^
11.02.06 - Philadelphia, PA - TriTone ^
11.03.06 - New York, NY - Mo Pitkins (CMJ Fanatic Promotion Acoustic Afternoon)
11.04.06 - Brooklyn, NY - Uncle Paulie's (Free Agency Showcase)
11.08.06 - New York, NY - Knitting Factory *
11.09.06 - Purchase, NY - Purchase College *
11.10.06 - Harrisonburg, VA - James Madision University *
11.11.06 - Roanoke, VA - Static house
12.10.06 - Somerset, England - ATP The Nightmare Before Christmas

* w/ Satya Sai
# West Coast Revue (featuring members of Sky High Band, the Vanishing Voice, and Skygreen Leopards
$ w/ Skygreen Leopards
% solo show at Arthur Nights
^ w/ Sky High Band

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