Instal Festival Kicks Off Tonight; Showcases Today’s Most Innovative Underground Musicians (You Know, Probably Groups Like The Postal Service And Stuff)

It's that time of the year again. Time for all those people with better ideas and cooler names than you to descend upon The Arches in Glasgow for a weekend of free jazz, restricted noise, and comfortably snug experimentation. Last year's Instal Festival brought the likes of Sun City Girls, Birchville Cat Motel, and spotlight-hog Jandek under one roof; and this year's line-up looks comparably juicy. Avant-garde acts from all over the world have been chosen to perform, and in many cases they'll be collaborating with one another on stage. Interesting pairings like Keiji Haino and Tony Conrad are the name of this year's game.

In addition to the main stage festivities, on Friday and Saturday night there will be a special Incest Infest Stage highlighting emerging underground musical artists specifically from Scotland and the rest of the UK. Notable playas on this stage include Birds of Delay (because I've seen them once) and Kylie Minoise (because LOL). For the small number of TMT readers that are not based in Glasgow, Instal will kindly be providing free downloads of all the performances on their web site.

Main Stage:

Friday, 10.13.06:

Blood Stereo + Ludo Mich

Ellen Fullman + Sean Meehan

Nmperign (pictured) + Jason Lescalleet

Oshiri Penpenz

Saturday, 10.14.06:

Lee Patterson

Steve Baczkowski + Ravi Padmanabha

Lethe

Keiji Haino + Tony Conrad

The Bohman Brothers

Jazkamer

Sunday, 10.15.06:

Tetsuya Umeda

Sachiko

Arrington de Dionyso

Kuwayama + Kijima

Eye Contact

Maryanne Amacher

Infest Stage:

Friday, 10.13.06:

Usurper

Jazzfinger

Polly Shang Kuan Band

Wounded Knee

Kylie Minoise

NOMA + Shareholder

Saturday, 10.14.06:

Red Kites

Birds of Delay + Nackt Insecten

Hockyfrilla

Ben Reynolds

Opaque

Picture: Seth Tisue

Fatherly Act of Love, or Sign of the Apocalypse? You Be the Judge While David Bowie Does Voice-Overs for Spongebob Squarepants

Who's joining with Nicktoons to fill kids with glee? (Da-vid Bo-wie)

A voice on an upcoming special is he! (Da-vid Bo-wie)

...okay, I've only seen the show like once in my life, so I can't go much farther with my alternate theme song bit. Regardless, I think that in those two short lines, I said all there really is to say. Yes, David Bowie will soon be joining the long list of seemingly reputable musical artists to affiliate themselves with that which is at the same time a child's dream come true and a tailor's worst nightmare: David Bowie is going to be on Spongebob Squarepants.

The Thin White Duke will be uniting with The Rectilinear Yellow Sponge for an upcoming special in which he will lend his voice to a character who goes by the name "Lord Royal Highness" — a title that suits Bowie 30 years ago more so than today, but no matter. Furthermore, Bowie claims that he accepted the role because his six-year old daughter is a fan of the show. You know, when I was six, I asked my dad if he would do a guest spot on Salute Your Shorts for me as a half-birthday present, and what do you think the old fart said? "That's impossible, son, I love you but..." Yeah, but nothin'. Save it for our therapist, asshole. Jesus, all I wanted was a fatherly show of affection. Apparently David Bowie loves his kids enough for that. I'm too upset to continu

99 Problems, But an Eggroll Ain’t One! That’s Probably the Joke That Got Jay-Z Banned in China

The Jigga-man himself is once again the victim in a dispute with goofy, GOOFY China. Jay-Z's scheduled performance at Shanghai's Honkou Stadium on October 23 has been hella cancelled. However, this time around Jahova wasn't discriminated because he "was black," or because he was "driving 55 in a 54." (You know... that line has always bothered me.) Anyway, China disapproved of Jay-Z's rompish lyrics and declared the rapper too vulgar for the Communist country.

China has been censoring the arts and the media since the senselessly racist Wang Chung had their senselessly racist mega-hit "Everybody Wang Chung Tonight (That's What Every Guy's Name Is In China)." If you recall, the FCC did not go as far as to ban the song in America, but instead made a deal where those bastard racists removed the parenthetical. And in actualness, The Rolling Stones were almost banned earlier this year as well. But they weren't because they agreed not to play their filthy sex anthems, "Honkey Tonk Women" and "Brown Sugar." (And then Cockle wrote an amazing review of it!)

Jay-Z, real name Sean Carter (that's news in itself!), was probably smoking a fatty when he heard this news, and I'm going to go out on a limb and assume he was crushed. Poor man was probably waiting for the Chinese Culture Ministry to josh him big with a clichéd, "I make joke/ I go pee pee in your coke." Funny story, but my Asian friend Paul actually did that to me once.

In due respect to rapper/mogul/retiree/Jayonce/out-of-retirement/we-get-it Jay's current turmoil, I have rewritten the lyrics to the date-rape classic "Big Pimpin" to make it racist of the postmodern sort (ex: haha, world is all good, haha):

"Big Pimpin (Nasty China Version)" feat. emceegreg and Three-six Mafia:

You know I

Thug em

FUCK em

Hug em

Leave em

Cause I don't FUCKIN' need em

Woodchucks chuck wood

But China ain't no good

Yeah, I don't FUCKIN' feed em

They wanna start a fuss I'm breezin'

Talking 'bout

Censorship reasons

I'm a pimp all over the world, BITCH

I don't trust or believe em

In my butt, that's where I keep em

'Til I need to nut

All up in that China gut

Y'all be frontin'

Me give my heart to a Chinaman

Not for nothin'

Never happened

I be forever whackin'

More hardcore than anal assassins

I got no passion

You're just no longer finger lickin?

When I boycott General Tso's chicken

Ho get your ass in

And let's RI-I-I-I-I-IDE

(This is the chorus guys)

We doin' Big pimpin

I don't like the Chinese

Kick em out now

Big pimpin'

Smokin' some trees

We doin' Big pimpin' I think I gots a disease

It's just that Jigga-man

Jackie Chan and maybe Jet Li

Check em out now (Repeat)

Tourdates (other parts of the world don't mind the nasty):

10.13.06 - Durban, SAF - ABSA Stadium
10.14.06 - Johannesburg, SAF - Coca Coloa Dome
10.18.06 - Bangkok, THA - BEC-Thero Hall
10.20.06 - Seoul, SKO - Gayagum Concert Hall
10.21.06 - Taipei, TAI - Taipei Super Dome
10.25.06 - Sydney, AUS - Sydney Entertainment Centre *
10.26.06 - Brisbane, AUS - Brisbane Entertainment Centre *
10.27.06 - Brisbane, AUS - Brisbane Entertainment Centre *
10.28.06 - Melbourne, AUS - Rod Laver Arena *

* w/ Roc Tha Block

Summer Hymns to Release 4th LP, TMT News Writer Devoid of Inspiration

Summer Hymnal is out on Misra on the November 21st.

[Editor's Note: Okay, this is the last straw. For one: the album is called Backward Masks. You're telling me you couldn't check AllMusic? At least you got the date and label right. Oh, and can we at least mention that they are from Athens, GA? Or that they play southern-tinged dream-pop?]

Totally Real Tracklist:

1. Take My Life and Let Me Be
2. Where He Leads Me, I Will Consider Following
3. Sit Up, Sit Up for Jesus
4. A Comfy Mattress Is Our God
5. Amazing Grace, How Interesting the Sound
6. Lord, Keep Us Loosely Connected to Your Word
7. When Peace, Like a Trickle
8. I'm Fairly Certain that My Redeemer Lives
9. Above Average Is Thy Faithfulness
10. Blest Be the Tie that Doesn't Cramp My Style
11. What an Acquaintance We Have in Jesus

[Editor's Note: Okay, you are double-fired now. That's not the tracklist. This is:

1. Way You Walk
2. Pity and Envy
3. Start Swimming
4. Darkness Comes
5. Fearanoia
6. Bombay Brown India Ink
7. Limousine
8. New Way
9. Ice Age World
10. 14 Inches of Snow
11. Pheromones Induced
12. When the Bombs Fall

Again, all I had to do was check Allmusic. That's not inspiration. It's called fact-checking.]

[Oh, and I hate emo.]

Bronfman Went A-Courtin’ and He Did Ride, Uh Huh, Uh Huh. Merger News + Bronfman = I Just Popped a Semi!

The United States, tired of outsourcing only American jobs in both production and information technology, has made a bold move: outsourcing a sense of moral indignation over records! EMI Virgin India Ltd (based in Mumbai) has declared it will recall all copies of Slayer's new album, Christ Illusion. The victims? The Catholic Secular Forum — helpfully identified as a Christian group by Billboard.com — is makin' it happen! CSF General Secretary Joseph Dias issued a statement taking "strong exception" to the album cover as well as the track "Skeleton Christ." He cites the lyrics as "an insult to Christianity." According to various virus-infested internet sites, said lyrics include, "I laugh at the abortion known as Christianity/ I've seen the ways of God/ I'll take the devil any day/ Hail Satan." Slayer: the band to turn to for delightfully subtle critiques on this modern culture.

The CSF wants everyone to know that they have everyone's best interests in mind, as the album "will affect the sensibilities of Muslims on the track to 'Jihad' and secular Indians who have respect for all faiths." As a Jew, I am personally offended that there are no tracks belittling my people, clearly proving that in the end Slayer are anti-Semites. EMI Virgin India Ltd, come to my aid!

Does everyone remember when talks cooled in hot July vis-à-vis some sort of attempted takeover or merger between industry elephants Warner Music and EMI? Whaaaat? You didn't? Acquisition shareholders meetings weren't four-and-a-half star video fodder on YouTube that month? Lil' Johnny Stewart didn't invite Warner's Edgar Bronfman Jr. onto "The Seat of Heat"? Has B-to-tha-ronfman completely lost his credibility with the youthful boobs and 18-35 lefties of today? Well, if it wasn't news then, it won't be now. But here it is anyway.

The Times Online contends that if at first you don't succeed, go back for another bitchslap. Then another bitchslap and another bitchslap. If these bitchslaps are just preliminary bitchslaps or if they are little parts of a grander, more elaborate bitchslap scheme, then you have no choice but to go back for more bitchslaps. Despite quashed efforts in the past to meld our two favorite major labels into one stupid superbeast, Bronfman has again made advances to get to third base with EMI. If you remember correctly, it was in July that the two companies issued statements of disinterest in a possible union. But you can count on Bronfman to forget quickly. In September, Bronfman flew to England to butter up EMI investors and hedge fund shareholders. One wonders: what is the hold-up? Although these kinds of things get tripped up with every little bit of hassle, I half-suspect that EMI just can't deal with Bronfman's real-ness. Could he be too much of a risk for plain ol', staid ol' EMI? Maybe EMI likes its business dealings like my grandma likes her Bloody Caesars — with "no ice, no spice."

Jeeesh, Bronfman... cut the cord for Crissakes! You are starting to remind me of someone who gets dumped by his girlfriend only to come back twice as headstrong with a plan to win her back with constant phone calls and drive-bys and then buys a Whisper 2000 so he can sit in the neighbor's bushes across the street from her house crying while doing lines off a cracked Silverchair CD case trying to hear if she is talking to a guy on the phone, then following her and her friends to a bar and sitting across the room creepily drinking beer after beer while burning holes in her with his eyes every time she laughs, or looks at anyone, or comes even remotely within inches of another male body...

Yikes, I was really starting to creep myself out there. Many apologies... must be visions of past restraining orders dancing in my head. Absurd suspicion stories aside, there is something afoot. Following the news of Bronfman currying favor overseas, MSNBC reported that current EMI Music Publishing chairman and co-chief executive Martin Bandier is looking for pastures new, possibly with Warner. Apparently Bandier, a song publishing mogul and a "legend in the music publishing business" — hey, I've thrown a LOT of money at acquiring a lot of songs and a lot of albums but noooo, that doesn't make me a legend, does it? — has already had talks with Bronfman Jr. ("BJ") and will meet with EMI execs next month in London to discuss his future with his present employers. As far as a reachable union is concerned, it has been unclear from the get-go whether this will be a merger or an outright acquisition by Warner of EMI, or of Warner by EMI. Who knows. I guess some things should remain floating above my head, just as they did when I was sleeping through my business journalism courses last year. You can be sure there will be news soon because these two companies seem to love their ongoing game of boardroom bag-tag. Our money is on Bronfman to make the first move, because if he has a problem, yo, he solves it... check out his savvy financial moves while his accountants revolve it.

  

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