Janet Reno Mackin’ On America, To Discover America Likes Her as a Friend and Digs Pam Anderson, Angelina Jolie, and Ladies that Wear Lacy Panties, Reno To Read Cosmopolitan for Petty Booty-Shaking Empowerment, Reno Compiles a “Get Wit’ Me” Mix CD and Breathily Whisper in America’s Ear “Here, Listen to Devendra Banhart and Andrew Bird While I Slip Into Something More Comfortable and Then We Can Both Steam-Up Your Great, Big, Melting Pot…”

Halfway through an oh-so-lonely spin of La-La-La Lohan’s “Rumors” this fourth of July, Janet Reno got sick of her post-cold cream bedtime routine: singing into her hairbrush and getting down to JAMZ behind closed doors, where only she could appreciate her smooth, supple breasts sagging on her robust figure, her chick-with-a-mission hairdo, and her tasteful cotton panties.

Long since holding onto a dream that looks don’t matter to her MAJAHH CRUSHHHH!, a friend of a friend told Janet that America, who she had long since been putting the moves on, digs that FUGLY SLUT Pam Anderson. And Angelina Jolie. And Jennifer Aniston.

WHAAAAAAT????? AMERICA LIKES HOT CHICKS????? WHAT ABOUT BRAINS????

“AMERICA IS JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU, JANET,” said the friend.

Janet was heartbroken.

After deciding a boob job would jerk the chain of that whole female-empowerment thing she has going for her, she changed into her pajamas (a shoulder-padded feet pajamas business suit of breathable fabric) and remembered youth (acne, headgear, never getting asked to a prom), and at that moment got WAY EMPOWERED. Following a road paved by every ugly girl who pretends it doesn’t bother them to look like ass, Reno flipped through Cosmo for tips on tightening her abs and cried halfway through sit-up number three.

“I’m sick of being alone!” said Reno, sniffling, while her hairline sweat profusely.

Though sit-ups weren’t happening, neither was sitting at home in her pajamas.

Reno was going out tonight.

After caking on some glitter-ific Caboodles, hoisting her ever-saggy boobs into a killer halter top, and slumping her lady-lump into rhinestone-decaled jeans, she decided in order to declare her orgasmic mack-mackin’ love o’ America, she would stop at nothing -- even if it came to a good, dirty mud wrestle with Pam Anderson.

So, rather than locking her door and sitting under the sheets with smutty issues of TIME, Newsweek and Life, she rolled out to DA’ CLUBZ, did some body shots wit’ DA’ BOYZ, made out with a few chicks (...for attention... yeah, attention...), and awoke next morning on a street corner, naked and alone.

Her hair smelled of vomit.

Vowing never to shake her most generously-endowed groove thing again, Reno resigned herself to the I’ll-love-you-from-afar existence of the intellectual elite, resulting in this subtle mix CD. A tribute to a love she’ll never have.

Reno took two years to compile this American tribute mix, a 3CD, 50-song compilation, to be released September 18 (Three Tigers), including tracks from Andrew Bird, Danielson, Devendra Banhart, and John Mellencamp. Seriously.

Bigger Boobs=Happiness, I Wanted This Land To Be My Land, You Are Beautiful In Every Single Way, America:

Earl Bullhead - "Lakota Dream Song"

Julie Lee - "Once More Our God Vouchesafe To Shine"

Blind Boys of Alabama - "Let Us Break Bread Together"

John Wesley Harding - "God Save the King"

Elizabeth Foster - "Young Ladies in Town"

Malcolm Holcombe - "The Old Woman Taught Wisdom"

Ed Pettersen - "The Liberty Song"

Harper Simon - "Yankee Doodle"

The Wilders - "Jefferson & Liberty"

Steven Kowalczyk-Santoro - "Hail Columbia"

Take 6 - "Star Spangled Banner"

Beth Nielsen Chapman - "Sometimes I Feel Like a Motherless Child"

Freedy Johnston - "Peg and Awl"

BR549 - "Sweet Betsy From Pike"

Will Hill and Jehnean Day Washington - "Trail of Tears"

Minton Sparks and Pat Flynn - "Declaration of Sentiments"

Fisk Jubilee Singers - "Go Down Moses"

Mavericks [ft. Thad Cockrell] - "Dixie's Land"

Marah - "John Brown's Body"

Joanna Smith - "Battle Hymn of the Republic"

Janis Ian - "Johnny I Hardly Knew Ye"

Tim O'Brien - "Thousands Are Sailing to Amerikay"

Otis Gibbs - "The Farmer Is the Man"

Joni Harms - "Home on the Range"

Jake Shimabukuro - "Stars & Stripes Forever"

Jen Chapin - "Over There"

Andrew Bird - "How You Gonna Keep 'Em Down on the Farm"

Karen Parks - "Lift Every Voice and Sing"

Danielson - "Happy Days Are Here Again"

Andy Bey - "Brother Can You Spare a Dime?"

Jim Lauderdale - "Seven Cent Cotton and Forty Cent Meat"

Old Crow Medicine Show - "Deportee"

Suzy Bogguss - "Rosie the Riveter"

Folk Family Robinson (Black Crowes with Stan Robinson) - "Reuben James"

Scott Kempner - "Apache Tears"

Elizabeth Cook and the Grascals - "The Great Atomic Power"

Devendra Banhart - "Little Boxes"

The Del McCoury Band - "The Times They Are A-Changin'"

Kim Richey - "Get Together"

The Dynamites / Charles Walker - "Say It Loud, I'm Black and I'm Proud"

Ben Taylor - "Ohio"

Anthony David - "What's Going On"

Martha Wainwright - "I Am Woman"

Matthew Ryan - "Youngstown"

Bettye LaVette - "Streets of Philadelphia"

Gary Heffern / Chris Eckman - "Wave"

Shortee - "The Message"

Judith Edelman / Neilson Hubbard - "Sleep, My Child (Schlof Mayn Kind)"

The Wrights - "Where Were You When the World Stopped Turning"

John Mellencamp - "This Land Is Your Land"

Yr Very Own Caribou Transcontinental Migratory Tour Map

Tourdates:

# Born Ruffians

Melody Day, the single EP from the forthcoming Andorra, out on July 10:

1. Melody Day
2. Melody Day (Four Tet remix) featuring Luke LaLonde, Adem and One Little Plane
3. Zoe *

* not on the 7-inch

Aesop Rock Controversially Elects To Release, Rather Than Drop, New Album On August 28

This is what we call investigative journalism. Hearing that Aesop Rock had made his new album None Shall Pass available for a limited-edition pre-order, I hit the Hip-Hop Database forums to see what the kids were saying. Due to the overwhelming ignorance, I planned to change the names to protect identities and maximize hilarity. However, after 15 minutes of struggling to create funny-sounding aliases, I resolved to just imagine this forum bashing occurring at the Doha Extremism Debate... because sloppy political references are funny?

[SIC]

shaykh Hamza Yusuf: heheh you ready? Im'a ghost write for aesop!

platypus splash mercury sting hamburger in in sperm blimp retrospection

crack epileptic stepfather villianous vaginal postal erection

tunafish spongecake japanese head cold balls piece of paper

venereal disease laptop 67 mustang lobster windshield scraper

actually, this shits too good for aesop, half of the time that MF dont even ryhme.

John Esposito (founding director of the Centre for Muslim-Christian Understanding at Georgetown University): yeah right,,
arock is tight...basically..compare YOUR rhymes..on a cassette player..(oh sorry..cd player)..rRIGHT next to his....PROLLEM Solved.///..

Diana Buttu (former spokesperson for the Palestinian Authority): more like asuk rock

Archbishop Desmond Tutu: he's different...he's gonna have haters and homies

For the homies, the disc is available for pre-order now. The first 500 copies will be signed and include stickers and a poster. The title track is available for free download from the Adult Swim/Definitive Jux collaboration Definitive Swim and torrent sites everywhere.

Kindercore Records Is Back; Loves You More Than Your Mom & Dad

Fans of all things twee, fey, and cute: get out those pixie stix and rejoice! Athens, GA-based Kindercore Records is back! Now hold on, you Thurston acolytes & No Fun Fest-ers, don't tune out yet; Kindercore isn't much different from the obscure labels you love today. It too (occasionally) releases ‘albums’ on cassette, just like some of your most beloved limited-edition-friendly labels. Plus, its roster's musical style (mostly fun, bouncy, smart-but-saccharine pop tunes with a fair amount of Brit-inva love) is... well... something most underground music fans can only handle in small doses. On second thought, Kindercore is probably the exact opposite of everything your scratchy, distorted heart holds dear -- no way around it.

During the label's initial run (1996-2003), Kindercore was, at times, ahead of the curve. Kindercore fostered Of Montreal when they were using more guitars than keyboards, and Norway was just a twinkle in Kevin Barnes' eye. They put out the best Essex Green records before Merge jumped on their bandwagon, and I Am The World Trade Center's name was one of the first things to offend overly sensitive “patriots” in the days following September 11, 2001.

After some bad business dealings in its last few years, the label was forced to shutter (against founders Ryan Lewis & Daniel Geller's wishes) by its financial backers. Lewis & Geller only recently were awarded legal rights to the Kindercore name and musical catalog, and decided to bring KR back from the dead. The label plans to sell its catalog on iTunes, while putting out new releases from local groups King of Prussia, Ruby Isle, and USSR. It hopes to provide other kinds of entertainment and info, too, with future plans to release comics (an anthology, The Trouble Revolution, has already been announced) and feature videos, contributions from writers, t-shirt designers, and other surprises on its website. If all that doesn't put a smile on your face, then you probably stopped reading a long time ago.

“A new Sunset Rubdown album is like the bee’s knees and the monkey’s eyebrows rolled into one,” says Sir Cophagus.

Day 14: a Saturday:

I was two weeks into my journey without making any serious headway whatsoever. But I was close. I knew it from the unmistakable scent and sense of wonder I smelt and felt. (If you’re not a true treasure seeker, you wouldn’t possibly know what I’m talking about... and shame on you for thinking you are worth the time and effort to breathe the same air as us exalted archaeologicos. WE are important; you are not.) I was getting paid to search for the mummy of Queen Hatsoffnshutup in what used to be known as Mesopotamia, or “Ol’ Pot” as it is called in the biz. I knew I wouldn’t find the tomb -- I was searching in the wrong area of the continent, and it didn't exist anyway -- but I didn’t want to break the heart of my benefactor, who was a psycho crackpot. He had visions of me unearthing the Queen and him marrying it in a small civil ceremony. But I was hoping to find a few valuable trinkets to flog, so I could rent my sofa bed for another week. Admittedly, I had been going through a rough patch as far as the adventure stakes were concerned.

I mopped my brow with the PVC loin cloth I stole last night off of a beefy stripper at the “Ace Club” after running out on a bill that included three pickled eggs, a quart of lemon gin, and a VIP-room private dance. I smiled briefly before stepping on a loose stone and falling into a dark, shallow pit. I brandished my trusty Zippo and noticed a piece of parchment, possibly goat’s skin, which bore a list of titles or names in thin-ink cursive. It was spotted with what looked to be a three-legged burro’s cum stains (they looked a little like the 1558 map of Italy, around the time of the accession of Elizabeth I).

I hightailed it out of there and quickly returned to my home base to have my efficient office gal Pepita analyze the specimen for identification purposes and possible value. “Hmm,” she began. “It looks newer than the parchment would indicate. Recent, but pre-Paris Hilton jail term period, I reckon. Not my sort of thing, but some people will be excited by this discovery, for certain.”

I knew Pepita’s “thing” quite well, as she plays nothing but ear-splitting, obscure polka around the office. “What is it?” I asked.

“It seems to be a tentative song list for the forthcoming Sunset Rubdown album, Random Spirit Lover. Common sense dictates that the ones in bold are the actual tunes that will find their way onto the album, and the others are some stupid fucker’s joke titles."

“What are the stains?” I queried.

She sighed. “I dunno. Tears of joy from a pathetic indie-rock loser?”

I crumpled up the hide, threw it in the garbage, and stretched. “Alright, do you wanna grab a burrito?” I asked Pepita.

“Nope,” she retorted rather too quickly for my liking. “I’ve decided I’m only going to go out with guys who can actually pay some bills and get it up in the sack.”

I should have known this adventure was going to be a bust.

Possible Random Spirit Lover tracklist, out in October on Jagjaguwar:

The Mending of the Gown

He Had Trombones for Limbs and Dice for Teeth

Magic vs. Midas

Up On Your Leopard, Upon the End of Your Feral Days

For the Doctor Who Used His Saw

The Courtesan Has Sung

Winged/Wicked Things

Colt Stands Up, Grows Horns

Unglue Your hips, Thunderlips

Stallion

Hairshirt vs. Babyskin

For the Pier (and dead shimmering)

The Taming of the Hands that Came Back to Life

(esirper) snaej s’ivoJ noB gniraew saw eh tub rekihhctih eht pu kcip ot tnaw t’ndid I

Settling vs. Rising

Douglas Cee-Dee

Trumpet, Trumpet, Toot! Toot!

Child-Heart Losers

Here Comes Dumb Bum Gibby Gorilla!

The Richard Hawley Album and Tour Info Cheat Sheet for Budding Music Journalists

Lesson 1:

Remember that coming up with something original is hard work. So don’'t. Why bother trying when you can string sentences together like a useless tit by using catch-fire phrases? For example, if you are writing a story about Richard Hawley, it has been proven time and time again these lazy words always do the trick nicely:

bespectacled

Sheffield

crooner

former Pulp guitarist (acceptable to combine this with entry below)

former Longpigs guitarist (acceptable to combine this with entry above)
2005 Mercury Prize-nominated album Coles Corner

*(bonus tip: use snappy phrase for album like “long-player”)

For album news, you will have to mention the album’'s title, release date, label, and tracklisting. Try something like this: “Bespectacled Sheffield crooner Richard Hawley will be releasing a new album on August 20 in the UK and on October 2 in the U.S. The long-player, entitled Lady’s Bridge, will be released through Mute Records and is the follow-up to the former Pulp and Longpigs guitarist’s 2005 Mercury Prize-nominated album Coles Corner. Here is the tracklist!”

1. Valentine
2. Roll River Roll
3. Serious
4. Tonight the Streets Are Ours
5. Lady Solitude
6. Dark Road
7. The Sea Calls
8. Lady’s Bridge
9. I’m Looking for Someone To Find Me
10. Our Darkness
11. The Sun Refused To Shine

For tour news, you will have to list the show dates, the host city and country, and the venue name. Repeating album news (like in the example posted above) is encouraged. Try something like this: “Bespectacled Sheffield crooner Richard Hawley will be touring the United Kingdom in September in support of his forthcoming album out on Mute Records on August 20 in the UK and on October 2 in the U.S. The long-player, entitled Lady’'s Bridge, will be released through Mute Records and is the follow up to the former Pulp and Longpigs guitarist’'s 2005 Mercury Prize-nominated album Coles Corner. Here are the dates!”
09.02.07 - Southampton, England - Guildhall
09.03.07 - Cambridge, England - Corn Exchange
09.04.07 - Brighton, England - Dome
09.05.07 - London, England - Roundhouse
09.07.07 - Birmingham, England - Symphonic Hall
09.08.07 - Liverpool, England - Philharmonic
09.09.07 - Oxford, England - New Theatre
09.10.07 - Bristol, England - Colston Hall
09.12.07 - Sheffield, England - City Hall
09.14.07 - Edinburgh, Scotland - Queens Hall
09.16.07 - Glasgow, Scotland - City Halls
09.17.07 - Gateshead, England - Sage
09.19.07 - Leicester, England - De Montford Hall
09.20.07 - Bradford, England - St. Georges Hall
09.21.07 - Manchester, England - Bridgewater Hall
09.23.07 - Dublin, Rep. of Ireland - The Place

Lesson 2:

Pump your fist in the air and yell, “"I'’m a music journalist"!” Feel free to call your friends and family to gloat about the success and fame that you will soon be experiencing. Look into the mirror with a smug, self-congratulatory grin. Pretend you are banging a supermodel while you beat off into the crapper.

End of lessons.

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