Halfway through an oh-so-lonely spin of La-La-La Lohan’s “Rumors” this fourth of July, Janet Reno got sick of her post-cold cream bedtime routine: singing into her hairbrush and getting down to JAMZ behind closed doors, where only she could appreciate her smooth, supple breasts sagging on her robust figure, her chick-with-a-mission hairdo, and her tasteful cotton panties.
Long since holding onto a dream that looks don’t matter to her MAJAHH CRUSHHHH!, a friend of a friend told Janet that America, who she had long since been putting the moves on, digs that FUGLY SLUT Pam Anderson. And Angelina Jolie. And Jennifer Aniston.
WHAAAAAAT????? AMERICA LIKES HOT CHICKS????? WHAT ABOUT BRAINS????
“AMERICA IS JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU, JANET,” said the friend.
Janet was heartbroken.
After deciding a boob job would jerk the chain of that whole female-empowerment thing she has going for her, she changed into her pajamas (a shoulder-padded feet pajamas business suit of breathable fabric) and remembered youth (acne, headgear, never getting asked to a prom), and at that moment got WAY EMPOWERED. Following a road paved by every ugly girl who pretends it doesn’t bother them to look like ass, Reno flipped through Cosmo for tips on tightening her abs and cried halfway through sit-up number three.
“I’m sick of being alone!” said Reno, sniffling, while her hairline sweat profusely.
Though sit-ups weren’t happening, neither was sitting at home in her pajamas.
Reno was going out tonight.
After caking on some glitter-ific Caboodles, hoisting her ever-saggy boobs into a killer halter top, and slumping her lady-lump into rhinestone-decaled jeans, she decided in order to declare her orgasmic mack-mackin’ love o’ America, she would stop at nothing -- even if it came to a good, dirty mud wrestle with Pam Anderson.
So, rather than locking her door and sitting under the sheets with smutty issues of TIME, Newsweek and Life, she rolled out to DA’ CLUBZ, did some body shots wit’ DA’ BOYZ, made out with a few chicks (...for attention... yeah, attention...), and awoke next morning on a street corner, naked and alone.
Her hair smelled of vomit.
Vowing never to shake her most generously-endowed groove thing again, Reno resigned herself to the I’ll-love-you-from-afar existence of the intellectual elite, resulting in this subtle mix CD. A tribute to a love she’ll never have.
Reno took two years to compile this American tribute mix, a 3CD, 50-song compilation, to be released September 18 (Three Tigers), including tracks from Andrew Bird, Danielson, Devendra Banhart, and John Mellencamp. Seriously.
Bigger Boobs=Happiness, I Wanted This Land To Be My Land, You Are Beautiful In Every Single Way, America:
Earl Bullhead - "Lakota Dream Song"
Julie Lee - "Once More Our God Vouchesafe To Shine"
Blind Boys of Alabama - "Let Us Break Bread Together"
John Wesley Harding - "God Save the King"
Elizabeth Foster - "Young Ladies in Town"
Malcolm Holcombe - "The Old Woman Taught Wisdom"
Ed Pettersen - "The Liberty Song"
Harper Simon - "Yankee Doodle"
The Wilders - "Jefferson & Liberty"
Steven Kowalczyk-Santoro - "Hail Columbia"
Take 6 - "Star Spangled Banner"
Beth Nielsen Chapman - "Sometimes I Feel Like a Motherless Child"
Freedy Johnston - "Peg and Awl"
BR549 - "Sweet Betsy From Pike"
Will Hill and Jehnean Day Washington - "Trail of Tears"
Minton Sparks and Pat Flynn - "Declaration of Sentiments"
Fisk Jubilee Singers - "Go Down Moses"
Mavericks [ft. Thad Cockrell] - "Dixie's Land"
Marah - "John Brown's Body"
Joanna Smith - "Battle Hymn of the Republic"
Janis Ian - "Johnny I Hardly Knew Ye"
Tim O'Brien - "Thousands Are Sailing to Amerikay"
Otis Gibbs - "The Farmer Is the Man"
Joni Harms - "Home on the Range"
Jake Shimabukuro - "Stars & Stripes Forever"
Jen Chapin - "Over There"
Andrew Bird - "How You Gonna Keep 'Em Down on the Farm"
Karen Parks - "Lift Every Voice and Sing"
Danielson - "Happy Days Are Here Again"
Andy Bey - "Brother Can You Spare a Dime?"
Jim Lauderdale - "Seven Cent Cotton and Forty Cent Meat"
Old Crow Medicine Show - "Deportee"
Suzy Bogguss - "Rosie the Riveter"
Folk Family Robinson (Black Crowes with Stan Robinson) - "Reuben James"
Scott Kempner - "Apache Tears"
Elizabeth Cook and the Grascals - "The Great Atomic Power"
Devendra Banhart - "Little Boxes"
The Del McCoury Band - "The Times They Are A-Changin'"
Kim Richey - "Get Together"
The Dynamites / Charles Walker - "Say It Loud, I'm Black and I'm Proud"
Ben Taylor - "Ohio"
Anthony David - "What's Going On"
Martha Wainwright - "I Am Woman"
Matthew Ryan - "Youngstown"
Bettye LaVette - "Streets of Philadelphia"
Gary Heffern / Chris Eckman - "Wave"
Shortee - "The Message"
Judith Edelman / Neilson Hubbard - "Sleep, My Child (Schlof Mayn Kind)"
The Wrights - "Where Were You When the World Stopped Turning"
John Mellencamp - "This Land Is Your Land"