This Just In: Incredibly Beautiful Women (And Singers too, I guess) The Pipettes Being Kept Out of The Country, I Hate America

Dear Fat Cats in Washington,

I want you to drop whatever it is you're doing right now, be it tending to the War in Iraq, fixing a hole in the budget, or spinning your wheels on that whole "digital rights management" front. Just forget all of that stuff for a sec, because something much more urgent requires your full, immediate attention. Try to remain calm: According to a post on their Myspace page, UK-based, girl-pop darlings The Pipettes have been forced to postpone the start of their North American tour due to Visa paperwork being delayed! Now, I realize that you're just doing your job with this whole "foreigners need work visas to earn money in exchange for goods and services in this country" thing, and I know that you don't exactly have your "finger on the pulse" these days, so I feel obligated to clue you in here. Not only are The Pipettes talented singers and performers who are trying to make their way peddling big, doo-wop-inspired, smile-enducing pop-rock music in a big, scary, male-dominated music industry, but they're also SEXY AS HELL!

Honestly, now. I want you to take a good, long look at the beautiful young starlets that you and your silly "laws" are delaying from coming to our beautiful country and treating us all with come-hither stares, alluring mod-style dresses, and pearly white, girl-next-door smiles (uh... and I guess that their music is pretty good too).

Preventing such, uh, "talent" from gracing our shores and enriching our lives is, frankly, criminal. Besides, the English trio's debut album We Are The Pipettes (TMT Review) has already been released here in the U.S. via the Cherrytree/Interscope label and includes two new tracks: "Dance and Boogie" and "Baby, Just Be Yourself." Trust me, guys, these ladies have got... well, let's just say they've got the goods. I mean, the album was originally released in the UK in July '06 and hit #41 on the charts over there! So come on, already! Jump on the bandwagon! Don't you want your kids to think you're cool??? To make these ladies postpone their tour until October 25th at the Echoplex in Los Angeles would just be hypocritical. And who knows? Maybe if you scratch their backs , all THREE of them will scratch yours... at the SAME TIME.

Skimpy, alluring tourdates, pretty much all rescheduled:

$ rescheduled dates

Robert Pollard To Play Only Two Shows This Year, Lazy Bastard

WHO?

Bobby Pollard - frontman

Jason Narducy - bass, backing vox

David Suycott - drums

Dag Juhlin - guitar, backing vox

Mitch Marlow - guitar

WHAT?

Bobby and his friends are playing live music! Plus, these will be the only live appearances for Bobby this year.

WHEN?
11.30.07 - Chicago, IL - Metro
12.01.07 - Newport, KY - Southgate House

WHERE?

I already told you! Or at least Asiler told us to tell you! Asiler rules!

WHY?

Because Bobby has two new releases, Coast to Coast Carpet of Love and Standard Gargoyle Decisions, being released by Merge Records. Both come out next Tuesday, October 9.

HOW?

Tickets for the Metro show go on sale this Saturday at Ticketmaster.com (yuck, find your own link). Check back with Bobby's official website for ticket info on the Newport gig. Then subscribe to his singles series! I'll tell you to do more stuff at a later date.

Sunburned Hand Of the Man Tourdates; Hypothetical Introduction From My Roommate Sophomore Year of College

(Takes resin hit)

(Shotguns Miller High Life)

(Exhales triumphantly)

"Sunburned Hand of the Man." Kind of a cool name. I got a wicked sunburn during G-Love's ACL '04 ACL set, but it was fuckin' worth it... dude was just jammin', you know? That would be so tight... just gettin' stoned and jammin' 24-7. Which I guess is what these Sunburned dudes do. They've put out like... four badass albums this year or some shit already, which is crazy... I mean, not even Skynard in their prime had that much goin' on. Of course, times were different back then, hydroponics have come a long way...

(Loud belch and stomach pat of gratification)

Man, touring Europe would be so badass. If I ever get a record deal, I'm totally goin' over there. Take Jack Johnson, that's all he does, you know? Just travels all around the world with his friends jammin' out. That's the way to live, man. Except these dudes aren't playing in Amsterdam... which is just, like, fucked up. To get all the way over there and not play a show in fucking Amsterdam. It's like... it ain't right, you know? I'd plan my trip so I was there the exact same time the Cannabis Cup was goin' on. I wanna do that before I die. Be a judge in the motherfuckin' Cannabis Cup. I'd be like, "yeah, little of this, little of that..." Ha! That'd be so sick. But, whatever. They don't want to go through Amsterdam, that's their decision. Hey, more weed for me, once I get there.

(Takes another hit)

(Sighs)

All right dude, I gotta go to work.

Ah, Sam Coomes! He sure has gotten a whole lot CRAZIER in recent years, wouldn't you say, dear reader?

I mean, I always did kind of feel this serial killer vibe coming from that man for some reason... (Although, to be fair, that whole serial killer thing could just be coming from the press photos. Ummm... yeah... see what I mean??) Heck, I always just chalked it up to the fact that Coomes seems to have spent the past eight years or so playing the same kind of über-obsessive and one-sidedly freaky cat-and-mouse games with U.S. Prez George W. Bush that... say, the Joker usually plays with Batman.

But now, with the oncoming of a new presidential election year sure to usher in a fairly substantial change of the guard one way or the other, Quasi frontman is rapidly running out of excuses for always looking so damn insane and homeless. How can he possibly manage to KEEP that good ol' Manson Family edge, despite the fact that the Bush era is slowly, albeit pretty universally distastefully, fading into our collective memories and (surprise, surprise!) the weary world is still turn-turn-turning???

Simple: start recruiting women.

And that's just what keyed-up keyboardist and disenfranchised blooze guitarist is doing for the band's upcoming fall tour, as it was confirmed last week that bassist Joanna Bolme, of "Stephen Malkmus and The Jicks" fame, has joined up at the creepy Coomes Family Compound (alongside longtime chick-drummer-extraordinarie and fellow Jicks faculty member, Janet Weiss), thus expanding this duo of indie rock royalty into a trio and furthering the possibility that Coomes is farming some sort of bizarre cult of bad-ass female rhythm players in order to gear up for some sort of anti-Malkmus revolution!

Either way, the group/cult will be road-testing this new lineup on a short tour this fall with Touch and Go's own Ted Leo and the Pharmacists. No word yet as to just how permanent of a fixture the lovely Bolme will be in the Quasi Compound. Look out, though, Steve Malkmus. You must have pissed-off Coomes straight-up Beach Boys style!

Helter Skelter:

* Ted Leo & the Pharmacists

Fox Confessor Brings the Flood 2: Cruise Control, Neko Case-Style

Careful, I am a fox. You may have seen me around in recent years, on product boxes, in various advertisements, as the mascot for disreputable universities. This should not be. At heart, I feel I am a delightful little fox, nibbling on tasty treats, occasionally wrestling with a few sheep. I keep to myself. I donate to NPR. I watched Live Earth. Yet I am a victim, just one of thousands every month. I am a victim of identity theft.

When it first went down, I thought, "How could this happen to me? I'm just a fox. I don't even have a credit card." I soon learned that they could take more than just a few numbers and passwords. They took my face, my fur, my essence -- those poachers of the credit card on my soul!

I tried to move on with my life, but I was bitter. No longer could I nibble on treats quite so tasty. Sheep were flavorless. On NPR, I waited, waited for them not to tell me, but my heart wasn't in it. I just wanted them to tell me and be done with it. I was defiled, and I watched my identity get plastered all over intellectual and actual property. Now, I must speak out. I must reclaim the identity that was taken, viciously and unscrupulously from me, a once care-free fox.

- NO, I am not the fox of the television network, FOX, who tragically died of dehydration and embarrassment because he thought he could dance.

- NO, I am not the FireFox that hugs a blue earth. I like the earth, but I have never hugged anything, except to steady a timid sheep who thought it could get away but couldn't because, if it took the time to get to know me a little bit, it would know that I'm not a pansy like the aforementioned FireFox.

- NO, I am not the Star Fox who has a laser gun and pilots a space ship. Though it would be beneficial for the moon sheep, I have never been able to breath in outer space. Or hold a laser gun, which would be beneficial for earth sheep as well.

- NO, I am not the fox who works for the emergency service, 9-1-1. This is not a fox but a monster, possibly lobotomized. Notice the cold, vacant stare. He is lewd and dances bottomless, yet still wears a belt.

- NO, I am not the adjective 'foxy,' although I appreciate the compliment.

- NO, I am not Jamie Foxx. I did not care for Ray.

Now that's out of the way, we can get down to the business of honesty. Identity theft is an assault on the truth, and we foxes tell inconvenient truths: WHO I AM is the Fox Confessor who brings the flood. The one and only.

Deal with it.

But...

A tumor of guilt has lodged itself in my stomach.

All this talk of honesty is making my fox eyes tear. You see, I've left out some crucial facts about my case. This puts me in a troublesome and awkward position. We foxes have the reputation for being sly, for lurking in truth's basement. And part of this whole thing is to dispel some of the fox myths that have built up over years of neglecting my identity theft. So, no more will I beat around the bush in which I was previously hiding. Come clean, that's the new fox way.

WHO I AM is a thief. Yes, it is true. I have stolen an identity as well. "An Egregious Act of Irony" will be my charge when I plead my case to the Poetic Justice of the Peace. They will through books upon books at this little fox, for I am but an impostor of the real Fox Confessor.

I am the re-issue. Neko Case, the sultry ranch-hand who tends the soft sheep of whom I like to innocently tussle in a Tom Sawyer sort of way, has decided to re-release Fox Confessor Brings the Flood with a bonus disc of five tracks. She's touring with The New Pornographers and continuing to re-release Furnace Room Lullaby and Blacklisted, fine albums that came before me and my original identity.

Poor fox, you're saying. Don't say it. I've duped you, just as you thought I might! Maybe I'm a victim, maybe I'm a thief, maybe all this has been a lie because my reputation precedes me. But did I not warn you? Perhaps not even that is worth taking at face-value from a fox. Let it serve to remind you never to trust the confessions of a fox, not even this one. Careful.

Wu-Tang’s NOT the First-Ever Group to Secure a Beatles Sample, Delays Release Date of New LP

Fiction: Wu-Tang is the "first-ever" group to secure a Beatles sample.

Fact: You can hear Beatles sampled on The Beastie Boys' legally released "The Sounds of Science." Plus, Ja Rule got clearance to sample "Eleanor Rigby" for his new album, The Mirror, due November 13. (You can hear way more on The Grey Album by Danger Mouse. But this one's illegal.)

Fiction: Wu-Tang sampled "While My Guitar Gently Weeps" for their track titled "The Heart Gently Weeps."

Fact: It's technically a composition sample, not a master sample. It is also referred to as an "interpolation."

Fiction: Erykah Badu, John Frusciante, and Danny Harrison -- George Harrison's son -- guest on the track.

Fact: It's "Dhani," not "Danny," FYI Wu-Tang.

Fiction: Wu-Tang's The 8 Diagrams comes out November 13.

Fact: The release date has been moved to December 4. According to P, our writer Nick Marx is reviewing it.

Fiction: The album will be released via Secretly Canadian (with a sample of a Phosphorescent song. JK).

Fact: Loud will release it, not SC, silly.

Fiction: TMT has done one of these fact/fiction stories before.

Fact: It's so true!

  

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