It looks like Kanye West has finally found a business venture that is as much of a commercial bastardization of hip-hop culture as he is. This fall, the Louis Vuitton pawn will guest edit Complex, a fashion magazine for rap listeners with iPhones. As it is doubtful that Kanye knows what a coordinating conjunction is, he probably won't do much actual editing. He is more likely to disguise poorly written articles by including lengthy quotes from talented, recently dead authors like Kurt Vonnegut (after having them rewritten by popular writers like Dan Brown). Of course, Kanye has already told his critics that they "Can't Tell [Him] Nothin'," which is just as well, as the previous sentence's analogy would probably be lost on him.
Kanye has chosen auto-tuned model Cassie as the fall issue's cover girl. Purely coincidentally, Cassie also appears in the video for Kanye's latest crime against music, "Stronger." The song "features" Daft Punk, in the same way that "Touch The Sky" features Curtis Mayfield. Sure, Daft Punk may "appear" in the video, but how can you prove it's not just Kanye and Cassie wearing Daft Punk masks?
Kanye, or "Ye" as he is known by assholes, is also preparing to release the follow-up to his first two albums, The College Dropout and Late Registration. The August release of the new album, Graduation, is highly anticipated by college radio DJs and sixteen-year-old girls alike. Ye has been pre-approved for a Grammy, which he is expected to accept at the ceremony while actually nailed to a crucifix. One can only imagine the praise that will follow album four, Working In Real Estate, or album five, Gradual Decline Into a Rote And Meaningless Existence In Order To Support Ungrateful Children Until Inevitable Death In A Nondescript Institutional Building.
It's easy to see why Kanye is so popular. Just check out these lyrics from "Stronger":
"Heard they'd do anything for a klondike/ Well I'd do anything for a blonde dyke"
In Kanye's defense, when not busy pretending to be upset with all the press he's receiving, he has often used his fame to illuminate various political issues, ranging from the government's involvement in the AIDS and crack epidemics to homophobia in hip-hop. And after all, he's no worse than Paul Wall, David Banner, Chamillionaire, T.I., Yung Joc, Juelz Santana, Rick Ross, Fabolous, Slim Thug, Lil' Flip, Z-Ro, Pastor Troy, Young Jeezy, Young Money, Chamillionaire, Bow Wow, Afroman, Lil Wayne, Peedi Crakk, Lil Wyte, Young Buck, Jim Jones, cpulfer, Diddy, Bun B, Mike Jones, Rich Boy, Swizz Beatz, Ja Rule, J-Kwon, Chingy, Petey Pablo, Papoose, Unk, Dem Franchise Boys, Clipse, Pretty Ricky, Ying Yang Twins, The Black Eyed Peas, or Three 6 Mafia, and none of those dudes produced "Izzo."