Picture this: it’s an alternate universe and Kanye West is riding a massive dragon over the Southwestern US. A whole bunch of music writers and dedicated fans are tethered to the dragon’s tail, riding on hover-skateboards and getting their thumbs ready for the Tweet-frenzy of their lives (this is how music journalism gets done in the alternate universe). It’s nighttime, and alternate universe urban America pulses below, the denizens of which are only dimly aware of the fire that ‘Ye is keeping at bay.
All of a sudden, there’s a crackle, like a massive heavenly loudspeaker resuscitated by pure egotistical will. And then: “JUNE EIGHTEEN!”. It booms forth, slow and authoritative, with low frequencies powerful enough to re-ruffle the already ruffled hair of the nearest tail-attached Tweeters. “A new album!” they all shout in unison. “That’s what this must mean!” Without warning, however, the power to the hover-skateboards suddenly fails, and the dragon tethers are cut. The Tweeters find themselves plummeting, helpless.
Kanye looks on, uncaring, as he pats the dragon on the head. As he and the dragon ride off into the night accompanied by the opening chords of My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy (TMT Review), the dragon burps forth a cloud of flame that incinerates most of Tucson. Moments later, Rap Radar’s Elliott Wilson comes by with a generator for the hover-skateboards. “He’s saving us!” the falling Tweeters cheer as their hover-skateboards power back up. Wilson booms (quieter than Kanye, though can you blame him?) “Chris Atlas at Def Jam confirmed. Kanye West. New album. 6.18.13.” However, moments later, the generator fails, and he’s all like “Oh wait, never mind, my bad, that info is not actually confirmed.” He goes on to repeat, “Oops, my bad” several times, though it offers little solace to the plummeting hover-skateboarders whose iPhones and mangled bodies will soon dot the alternate landscape of the Southwest.
• Kanye West: http://www.kanyewest.com