Keith Richards Attempts to Blindfold the World from the Truth, One Filthy Bandana at a Time; Demands Apology from Journalists

Life, TMT reader, is comfortably predictable:

Rolling Stoner-getting-older guitarist Keith Richards recently acted on a good bit' o' mid-life crisis.

After fringing some Levi's in his bedroom to the sweet sounds of a Styx album, ironing his show bandana, and sparking up a juicy roach, Richards decided (aside from the fact that wearing a really frayed, TOTALLY BAD ASS bandana IS rock ‘n’ roll) that with rock ‘n’ roll comes considerable responsibility.

So, Richards decided to fight like hell against free speech. Seriously.

After performing in Sweden to less-than-rave reviews, Richards composed an impassioned letter knocking down reviewers for doing a hefty disservice to what he considered a great show. The letter, published in Stockholm daily Dagens Nyheter, marks his first response to hater reviews.

Richards demanded an apology -- not only for himself, but for the good of rock, ladies and gents!

For the fans!

For America's inner-city school kids!

For starving children!

For Darfur!

For kittens caught in trees, contemplating that they can't always get what they want, but may get what they need!

For the puppies, America!

Don’t sit there shaking your head “I told you so,” cynical TMT reader. Richards KNEW that the fans&etc's life depended on a favorable Swedish Rolling Stones review. And, like the good, down-to-earth rocker he is, in addition to an apology, Mr. Rich also demanded some weed, liquor, and topless women. Obviously, to be shared with fans, inner-city school kids, starving children, kittens, and puppies everywhere.

Who says altruism is dead?

And now, the letter:

"This is a first! Never before have I risen to the bait of a bad review. But this time... I have to stand up... for our fans all over Sweden... to say that you owe them, and us, an apology... There were 56,000 people in Ullevi stadium who bought a ticket to our concert -- and experienced a completely different show than the one you 'reviewed.' How dare you cheapen the experience for them -- and for the hundreds of thousands of other people across Sweden who weren't at Ullevi and have only your 'review' to go on. Write the truth. It was a good show."

My Bloody Valentine Reunion Likely!!!!

You know that bedtime prayer you've repeated every night since the mid-90s? That recurring dream you never thought would come true? That black box you've kept under your bed with money for a plane ticket, a change of clothes, and a joint -- ahh, fuck the clothes, there's no time -- it's all happening, man: IT'S ALL HAPPENING. My Bloody Valentine is finally getting back together!

....

Probably.

Get ready to endure savage heartbreak and mild post-traumatic stress disorder or spend your April in the California desert with thousands of giddy indie kids (and here's to hoping the latter won't lead to the former regardless). According to numerous reports, the shoegaze gods have unofficially agreed to a gig at 2008's Coachella Festival (April 25 - 27 at the Empire Polo Club in Indio, California), an event where the drawing of legendary bands from retirement is becoming sort of a regular thing. What appeal the festival had to a band who haven't played together in well over a decade is unknown, but in a recent interview with Magnet Magazine, MBV guitarist and vocalist Kevin Shields promised "We are 100% going to make another My Bloody Valentine record unless we die or something," leading many to think, if wishfully, that a show was to take place sooner or later.

Equally awesome are rumors that the group will go on a world tour later in 2008, though no dates or locations have been announced. Of course, only confirmation from the band members themselves will appease the thousands of MBV devotees (who by this point are probably wishing so hard for the reunion to move forward that they are in physical pain), but there are many reasons for optimism:

a) Numerous fan reports confirming Kevin's confirmation.

b) Entertainment Weekly says "It's definitely happening."

c) MBV's official MySpace page -- if that shit doesn't make it official, I don't know what does.

d) When TMT posts band reunion rumors, we make goddamn sure they're true.

Until this is all official, intense hope, anticipation, longing and the like will have to suffice. But hey, after all these years, what's another 240 days? Not that I'm, you know, counting down... right. TMT will keep you posted on MBV's status, but for now I've got to excuse myself... some travel arrangements to make...

Art Brut and The Hold Steady!? Halloween night at the Metro!? I lost my virginity during Detroit Rock City!?

It was two years to the day that I first saw Detroit Rock City. I was 33 and at a party with R. Kelly and Michael J. Fox. It was some warehouse party; you know the type -- midway through someone gets on the loudspeaker and yells for everyone to get the fuck out, but really they just want to clear out all the B-list celebs. R. Kelly and I duck into the men's room and chat it up while playing swords. He dribbles a little bit on me in what could be a precursor to his future troubles, but we laugh it off and he buys me an Irish car bomb. After trading shots for about 20 minutes, we find Foxey hustling Danny Masterson in three-card monte. All four of us soon peace out in some fly-ass limo that R. Kelly hooked up.

Danny puts in the "at the time" new Art Brut CD, and we ROCK OUT! We form a homoerotic human square and do lines off each other's feet. I notice R. Kelly's feet smell really good, and I start to lick them. Someone yells, "STOP!" and everything comes to a crashing halt. My nose ends up in Danny's crack, and I've got Foxey fidgeting near my grundle. The same person who yelled stop says, "Hey! Craig Finn lives around here!" So, we dress clumsily in the back of the limo and eventually find our way to Finn's house. He's pretty drunk by the time we get there, so we are all on the same page -- which is good. Danny, who I'm now realizing has terrible issues with being in control, goes over to the DVD collection, pulls out Detroit Rock City, and tells us all we are going to watch it now. I'd never seen it, so I didn't have a problem with it. And R. Kelly, surprisingly, is a big KISS fan. I curl up with Finn and we nuzzle during the opening scene. I hear a lot of whispering between the other boys, and before I know it, everyone but Finn and I have vacated the room. Not to mention the lights have been dimmed. He starts whispering sweet nothings into my ear: "Let me wreck your area, little boy." Or "In two years, baby, I'm going to tour with Art Brut." You know, things like that. I woke up the next morning with pains I don't think my editors will let me describe, but at least I knew about this tour two years before all of you, SUCKAS!

Art Brut September 2007 Tourdates in NON-TMT format:

PJ Harvey To Officially Command 100% of the Popular Vote With New Album. In Other Poll News: Tulips On Your Organ Deemed Better Than Roses On Your Piano.

August 17 felt like just any other day. With all of the commotion surrounding the 30th anniversary of the death of Elvis on the 16th, it is understandable that we would be too tired and hungover from celebrating the King'’s life, grieving his death, and gorging ourselves on fried peanut butter and banana sammiches to realize that we missed a crucial consumer and pop culture milestone. Lest we forget... the first commercially available Compact Disc was manufactured 25 years ago on August 17! Happy belateds!

After the failure of video discs, Sony and Philips joined their arms like brothers (remember this... this is foreshadowing) to further develop a more sensible disc product using laser technology. There is your moral; if at first you don't succeed, make it smaller. This nugget of wisdom works for everything, from ritzy cars to Ritz Crackers.

Here are some facts about CDs, how they came to enslave the free world, and also some tidbits on one of our most revered recording artists: PJ Harvey.

- Philips actually began work on a laser audio disc system back in 1970 after stealing the idea, er, sorry, being inspired by Antonio Rubbiani’'s rudimentary video disc system that he introduced in 1957.

- PJ Harvey releases CDs and will be issuing her 7th album on this format (not including her demo releases and collaboration with John Parish) September 24 through Island Records. Produced by Harvey, master knob-twiddler Flood, and the aforesaid Parish, White Chalk contains 11 songs and features guest contributions by Eric Drew Feldman (Captain Beefheart, Frank Black) and Jim White (Dirty Three, recent Nina Nastasia collaborator). A single, "When Under Ether," will be out September 17 on 7-inch single and download (take that CDs!), featuring a previously unreleased track recorded by Harvey way back in 1988 called "Wait."

- Way back in 1988, the CD celebrated its 6th anniversary (1988 - 1982 = 6).

- Way back in 1988, I was celebrated for making the “Remedial Mathletes” (C-Squad) team in high school on my third attempt.

- White Chalk is the first solo PJ Harvey album in three years, which is actually refreshing. We don't need every artist we love to release an album or two every single flippin'’ year. While we realize that these are the days of pushing yourself toward an early grave by squatting in studios and flying half way across the world to record a 30-second guitar part for some dude you've known since kindergarten, it doesn't impress us much. We appreciate good albums even if they take longer to write, record, and release than Chinese Democracy.

- The first commercial CDs pressed were The Visitors by Abba and a recording of Herbert von Karajan conducting the Alpine Symphony. In other words, GOOD music. In 1985, Dire Straits’ Brothers in Arms (hey? hey?) was the first fully digital (DDD) CD released. It was the first CD to sell a million copies and is still the biggest selling CD of all time. Don't fret fans of The Eagles; Their Greatest Hits 1971-1975 still holds the distinction of being the best selling album ever.

- I still find this hard to believe that Brothers in Arms is the biggest selling CD of all time, but keeping this supposition here is far easier than fact-checking it, yaknowwhaImsayin’? PJ Harvey is better than Dire Straits and all of Polly Jean Harvey'’s songs are better than all of Dire Straits'’ songs, except for "“Twistin’ by the Pool,”" which, I've been told, is better than "impending apocalypse sex." It's easier to understand the selling strength of The Eagles because that album contain the awesome lyrics "I've been runnin' down the road tryin' to loosen my load..." -- a truly universal activity. Breathing, eating, sleeping, running down the road, and loosening loads are the five essential body requirements according to health scientists.

- Some early product names tested were MiniDisc, Compact Rack, and Mini Rack. "Mini Rack" has managed to live on in infamy and is used widely by the gutter press to describe the beautiful carpenter's dream Keira Knightley.

- CDs are supposed to be unscratchable, yet every CD that has really ever meant anything to me seemed to get a knick at the best part of a song or ended up clawed to shit underneath a car seat alongside a couple of McFries and a glow-in-the-dark soiled safe. Sigh.

- The date for Polly Harvey's only live show announced so far is September 29. It is a sold-out affair at the Royal Festival Hall in London, so you will have to claw your way through more than a couple of McFries and soiled safes to get in that night. The 25th anniversary of this show will be September 29, 2032, long after the anniversary of the death of the Compact Disc.

1. The Devil
2. Dear Darkness
3. Grow Grow Grow
4. When Under Ether
5. White Chalk
6. Broken Harp
7. Silence
8. To Talk To You
9. The Piano
10. Before Departure
11. The Mountain

Good News For Fans of Electro-Orchestral Indie-Funk Tribal-Techno Space-Pop Collectives: Architecture In Helsinki Tour North America

As a TMT reader, you’ve probably heard of Architecture in Helsinki by now. But perhaps you’ve been too insecure to attend one of their concerts. Maybe you’re worried that there are enough members in the band to beat you up if you accidentally singe them with your pants, which you have unconsciously removed and set ablaze while caught up in the swelling energy of the music. Or maybe you’ve never seen a glockenspiel before and don’t want the magic of that word ruined for you.

It’s okay to be afraid. I’ll take you through this step by step:

This fall, the Australian musicians that everyone loves to count, Architecture in Helsinki, will tour across Western Europe and North America. They will be joined on 12 European dates by YACHT, with whom they shared shows earlier this summer.

Architecture in Helsinki will be playing songs from their new album, the half hour of power Places Like These (TMT Review). You can listen to part of the album on their MySpace page and download the single “Heart It Races” for free here. I suggest that you purchase the full album, as you will be required to hum every melody flawlessly in order to enter the concert. Those who fail to do so will be shrunk to the size of a grain of sand and forced to live out their years in Gus Franklin’s hair until they are eventually murdered by lice. Since the new LP is so short (don’t say it), chances are the band will play earlier works as well. So you should also buy the two preceding albums, Fingers Crossed and In Case We Die, just to be safe. Oh, and on their last tour, they played the Degrassi Junior High theme song, so you had better download and memorize that as well, if you want to avoid a most gruesomely absurd fate.

In order to ready yourself for the unfamiliar levels of quirkiness you’ll experience once inside the concert, I suggest that you watch the music videos for “Heart it Races” and “Hold Music.” While in Paris, Architecture in Helsinki recorded two live hootenannies for the zine La Blogotheque. While not typical AiH concert fare, they may provide an essential stepping stone that will save you from the raw shock and trauma of seeing a live band unprepared. In recent years, hundreds of people have lost consciousness due to the sheer number of instruments present at Architecture in Helsinki concerts (science has proven that the average human threshold is a 3:1 instrument-to-performer ratio).

If you’re still uncomfortable, Architecture in Helsinki put out an EP with tourmates Clap Your Hands Say Yeah and Takka Takka containing two live AiH tracks. This precious elixir was only sold on the tour, but I’m sure you can figure that one out on your own if you want the extra safety. Or you can always just carry a pear in your left pocket.

Now you can have fun as correctly and safely as possible:

# YACHT

Hey Mercedes Reunites For Two Shows, Organizes A Symbolic Funeral For The Word ‘Emo’

The word ‘emo’ has caused enough damage. It’s got to go. What used to be a relatively fair descriptor for transitioning ‘80s hardcore and its ‘90s descendents has turned into an unspecific, trite, and all-but-meaningless cliché.

Well, to be fair, it turned into a cliché a long time ago.

But only recently have former ‘emo’ users and abusers been able to realize the destructive nature of their problem. The pejorative connotations of the word make any and all attempts to ‘take back’ the word misguided and ultimately fruitless. Stop. Stop using it. ‘Emo’ is gone. Forever. Damn, I didn't even mean to use it two sentences ago. I better start calling it ‘The E word.’ Yes, that’ll make people forget about it. Genius.

Now: The disbanded pop-punk group Hey Mercedes is getting back together for a two-show stint: one a straight ahead rock gig in Milwaukee (in fact, it's pronounced "mill-e-wah-que," which is Algonquin for "the good land."), the other a grand-opening shindig for Threadless’ new retail store in Chicago. The latter will be free, granted you stop by said retail location after it opens September 10 and pick up, at the most, two tickets. Like those free movie preview passes you sometimes get when you test drive a car, tickets do not guarantee entry.

Note: If you care about what TMT thinks, Nanna’s last City on Film LP featured a certain Minus the Bear backing him up. ‘E Word’ to the max... WOOPS!
09.13.07 – Milwaukee, WI – Cactus Club *
09.14.07 – Chicago, IL – The Metro #

* The Response & New Ruins

# Anathallo & Freer

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