How to do the Two-Card Hustle:
Two cards: one is normal, one is double-faced. Put double-faced card in your hand with odd side up (don’t flash the back). With the regular card in your other hand, show both sides of it, and turn it over and put underneath double-faced. Recite nonsense incantation* and remove top card and place behind your back, leaving the other (normal) card face down. Bring the double-face behind your back out with the matching side showing and then place it face up under the normal card in your hand (don’t show the odd side). Recite nonsense incantation* and turn the top card end to end. It will be the same as the card underneath it now. Put both cards in breast pocket and slide away with a doodie-eating grin on your face. Produce two "real" cards if questioned for inspection. Celebrate by spending any ill-gotten booty on some ill-gotten booty.
How to do the Latin Hustle:
The hustle is based around alternating sets of two quick and two slow steps. Four steps are done in three beats of music (the quick steps take a half beat, the slow ones a full beat). 1, 2, & 3 or 1, 2, 3 counting is acceptable. Alternate two forward steps and two backward steps. Start on the second backward step and call out: ball-change, walk, walk, ball-change. Put on any bargain bin disco or anything that has between 100-130 b.p.m. ("Men in Black" will do). Play the dance smooth (don’t hop!), act like the cock of the walk, flail arms, and work the attitude. If it’s too difficult or you look like Jimmy Fallon in that played-out Pepsi ad, light up bong and watch Saturday Night Live or Thank God It’s Friday instead.
We are not positive what sort of hustle main apostle Andrew Whiteman has chosen to carry out, but he cannot be the patron saint of hustling well-planned tours. If anything, he is akin to the apostle often referred to as St. Jude, the patron saint of desperate cases. Whereas most Canadians turn into snowbirds and fly south when it gets below -30 Celsius (with a wind chill that would freeze the nuts off a raft of penguins) the collective Apostle of Hustle is opting to stay in the frigid north playing residencies and one-offs instead of venturing to warmer climes.
If you live in Southern/Eastern Ontario, Canada, this one’s for you:
01.24.07 - Toronto, Ontario - The Rivoli #
01.27.07 - Kingston, Ontario - The Grad Club #
01.31.07 - Toronto, Ontario - The Rivoli $
02.02.07 - Hamilton, The Casbah
02.03.07 - Kingston, Ontario - The Grad Club %
02.07.07 - Toronto, Ontario - The Rivoli %
02.09.07 - Ottawa, Ontario - Winterlude 2007 +
02.10.07 - Kingston, The Grad Club ^
02.15.07 - Toronto, Ontario - The Rivoli ~
# w/Besnard Lakes
$ w/Alex Lukashevsky
% w/Wooley Leaves
+ "Indie Night" w/Amy Millan, Jason Collett & Young Galaxy
^ w/Chris Brown
~ w/Darkland & Lamplight
If you are particularly creative but are feeling left out of this rather localized northern Apostle of Hustle winter tour, don't fret. Click here and try your luck at remixing their new track "My Sword Hand's Anger." Your shitty remix won’t be included on the new album National Anthem of Nowhere (out February 6), but that shouldn't stop you from having fun and cranking one out. If your work is chosen by the esteemed Arts & Crafts judges, you will win goodies, including studio schwag (a Universal Audio PCI UAD-1 Flexi Pak), tickets to an upcoming Apostle show, and an autographed version of National... on vinyl. Deadline is February 15.
1. "My Sword Hand's Anger"
2. National Anthem of Nowhere
3. The Naked & Alone
4. Haul Away
5. Cheap Like Sebastien
7. Chances Are
8. A Rent Boy Goes Down
9. Fast Pony for Victor Jara
10. Justine, Beckoning
11. Jimmy Scott Is the Answer
* You may want to try this magic chant: "I was entranced by Gwydion Tocle / turned my pubic region into cockle / seven waves of the sea / flourishing buds of the tree / sorrow turned my mind to pee / cards be crazy...so mote it be!"