The Latest Craze: Remix Apostle of Hustle and Flow Yourself Prizes

How to do the Two-Card Hustle:

Two cards: one is normal, one is double-faced. Put double-faced card in your hand with odd side up (don’t flash the back). With the regular card in your other hand, show both sides of it, and turn it over and put underneath double-faced. Recite nonsense incantation* and remove top card and place behind your back, leaving the other (normal) card face down. Bring the double-face behind your back out with the matching side showing and then place it face up under the normal card in your hand (don’t show the odd side). Recite nonsense incantation* and turn the top card end to end. It will be the same as the card underneath it now. Put both cards in breast pocket and slide away with a doodie-eating grin on your face. Produce two "real" cards if questioned for inspection. Celebrate by spending any ill-gotten booty on some ill-gotten booty.

How to do the Latin Hustle:

The hustle is based around alternating sets of two quick and two slow steps. Four steps are done in three beats of music (the quick steps take a half beat, the slow ones a full beat). 1, 2, & 3 or 1, 2, 3 counting is acceptable. Alternate two forward steps and two backward steps. Start on the second backward step and call out: ball-change, walk, walk, ball-change. Put on any bargain bin disco or anything that has between 100-130 b.p.m. ("Men in Black" will do). Play the dance smooth (don’t hop!), act like the cock of the walk, flail arms, and work the attitude. If it’s too difficult or you look like Jimmy Fallon in that played-out Pepsi ad, light up bong and watch Saturday Night Live or Thank God It’s Friday instead.

We are not positive what sort of hustle main apostle Andrew Whiteman has chosen to carry out, but he cannot be the patron saint of hustling well-planned tours. If anything, he is akin to the apostle often referred to as St. Jude, the patron saint of desperate cases. Whereas most Canadians turn into snowbirds and fly south when it gets below -30 Celsius (with a wind chill that would freeze the nuts off a raft of penguins) the collective Apostle of Hustle is opting to stay in the frigid north playing residencies and one-offs instead of venturing to warmer climes.

If you live in Southern/Eastern Ontario, Canada, this one’s for you:

01.24.07 - Toronto, Ontario - The Rivoli #
01.27.07 - Kingston, Ontario - The Grad Club #
01.31.07 - Toronto, Ontario - The Rivoli $
02.02.07 - Hamilton, The Casbah
02.03.07 - Kingston, Ontario - The Grad Club %
02.07.07 - Toronto, Ontario - The Rivoli %
02.09.07 - Ottawa, Ontario - Winterlude 2007 +
02.10.07 - Kingston, The Grad Club ^
02.15.07 - Toronto, Ontario - The Rivoli ~

# w/Besnard Lakes

$ w/Alex Lukashevsky

% w/Wooley Leaves

+ "Indie Night" w/Amy Millan, Jason Collett & Young Galaxy

^ w/Chris Brown

~ w/Darkland & Lamplight

If you are particularly creative but are feeling left out of this rather localized northern Apostle of Hustle winter tour, don't fret. Click here and try your luck at remixing their new track "My Sword Hand's Anger." Your shitty remix won’t be included on the new album National Anthem of Nowhere (out February 6), but that shouldn't stop you from having fun and cranking one out. If your work is chosen by the esteemed Arts & Crafts judges, you will win goodies, including studio schwag (a Universal Audio PCI UAD-1 Flexi Pak), tickets to an upcoming Apostle show, and an autographed version of National... on vinyl. Deadline is February 15.

1. "My Sword Hand's Anger"
2. National Anthem of Nowhere
3. The Naked & Alone
4. Haul Away
5. Cheap Like Sebastien
6. ¡Rafaga!
7. Chances Are
8. A Rent Boy Goes Down
9. Fast Pony for Victor Jara
10. Justine, Beckoning
11. Jimmy Scott Is the Answer
12. NoNoNo

* You may want to try this magic chant: "I was entranced by Gwydion Tocle / turned my pubic region into cockle / seven waves of the sea / flourishing buds of the tree / sorrow turned my mind to pee / cards be crazy...so mote it be!"

Peeping Tom to Tour, Hit Punching-Bag Balls Head-On

As much as I love Mike Patton, his Peeping Tom guise sends constant chills down my spine. You see, a neighbor of mine named Tom once walked in on my girlfriend and I having sex. And we’re not talking about a pull-the-blankets-over-before-he-really-sees- anything walk-in; we’re talking about a-male-friend-just-saw-my- tremendously-huge-balls-slapping-and- slopping-around-like-twin-punching-bags walk-in. And though I’m not quite sure about this, I’m pretty certain he didn’t immediately back off and close the door at the site of my pruned nutz. On top of that, I’m very protective of my ballz. If you want to see them in full flush you’d better be wearing rubber gloves and a surgeon’s mask (whether you’re a member of the medical profession isn’t important, just please have the courtesy to adorn yourself like one), a 110-pound Argentine hottie, or Sawyer from Lost. So you see, the coupling of these two words — for good reason — kinda creeps me out.

Additionally, I thought the Peeping Tom album was the worst thing General Patton had done since... well, ever. It was too guest-heavy and too much like his Lovage project but not as luv-worthy. In fact, why am I writing this damn news story anyway? I could be working on my klezmer-band project or drinking my neighbor’s hot-tub water...

But hey, when you’re a fan of Patton you support him to the death! Besides, he coaxed a hearty MOTHERFUCKER from Norah Jones for the Peeping Tom album. That’s GOT to count for something, don’t it? No? Well check out these tourdates anyways. HA, didn’t think ‘anyway’ worked as a plural, did you? FACE

Snuffaloffagus balls:

Illustration: Carolina Suarez

DJs Arrested For Making Mix Tapes; Details on Their Tininess Not Yet Disclosed

What a great month to be from the Atlanta area -- not only are these living saints trying to break off from the rest of Atlanta to form an independent country (which they will name "Milton County"), but, on January 17, DJ Drama and DJ Don Cannon were arrested for making mix tapes.

MAKING MIX TAPES. Not only were they arrested (for making mix tapes), but 17 others were detained in connection with the arrest, which, incidentally, was made due to reports that the DJs had in fact been making mix tapes. These mix tapes (that the two men were arrested for) were made from music given to them by record companies, and was in no way a direct burn-and-sell operation.

In lieu of a quote-by-quote mockery of other statements from officers who were involved with the arrests and seizures, I'll post a link to the news report, which shows video of the Aphilliates recording studio being raided, in confiscations which included over 50,000 CDs, money, bank statements, posters, musical equipment, and cars. As an added bonus, you can watch an official for the RIAA (an organization which received a rare "5/5" in the Tiniest Boners of the Year TMT year-end feature) spout statistics about how "counterfeit" CD distributors can make up to 900% profit (which Drama and Cannon didn't) and how it is not uncommon for counterfeit CD distributors to be connected with drug and weapon sales (which Drama and Cannon aren't).

What does this mean for a website with the phrase "Mix Tape" (by the way, our Automatic Mix Tape Generator is back up) in the title? It wouldn't hurt to think up some alternate titles and even formats to avoid an RIAA bust of our own. But since it would be too much of a hassle to go back and change the initials every time "TMT" was used in the body of an archived article, we might have to switch to something that keeps the same initials but is politically friendly towards RIAA and related groups. Possibilities include:

The Microphone Titans (Hip-Hop)

Totally Metal Tales (Metal)

Thoroughly Moving Tailfeathers (Pop)

True Man's Tractor (Country)

Tickle My Testicles (Current Version)

Twenty-one Means Twenty-one (Dedicated to Stephen Baldwin's Clothing Line With the Guy From Korn)

Tough Meat Times (Alt-Rock)

...And so on and so forth.

Once again, all of this is due to two people making mix tapes.

Thrones/Growing/Wolf Eyes/Bloc Party

I'm drunk, which is why it's a good time to write about the Thrones/Growing tour, which also apparently features Wolf Eyes on same dates. But I acstuallyu should've started this like an hour ago. I wa s much more drunk!! But now it's too late. I had this sweet cajun burger and shoestring fries with lotsa beer. it was grea,t but i felt kinda sick afteward. Now i'm writing this story, trying to salvage what drunkness i can. It' skinda pathetic. (Even more pathetic that this'll actually get published!! i feel like i could write anything, like that Merzbow story. I'm kinda undermining the editorial staff aren't i?)

So yo yo there's a story I sholud be talking about, and it's the story of Thrones. It's also the story of Growing. Together, they are growing thorns that attack as you sleep! Oh my god, look out brother!! AHHH!!! What's with the nane Wofl Eyes anyway? Cnat' tell if it's supposed to be a tounge-in-cheek name or if they actually they think it's a cool name. Honestly, i think it's one of the worst names EVER. But fuck it. Your name sucks too. What is it, Steve? Lame.

I'm tired. Okahy, next time i'm going to get reaaaaally drunk, and i'll hvae some other staffers get drunk with me. And we'll have a day of drunk news stories! what do you think readers!? funny or hwat?! Maybe it's a waste of time. Mabye writing about music is a waste of time. JK dude!! Hmm, i should end this with some kind of joke... let's see. .................. . . . . . . . ok. Got one.

Q: What's green and whistles when it walks?

A: Bloc Party.

Wait, tha'ts not funny. And it doen'st make sense. Okay, here's another one:

Q: How can you tell a penis from your palm?

A: Bloc Party.

Great success!

Thrones/Growing tourdates:

Richard Buckner Does What Tastes Right, Tours

[Music stops, audience applauds]

Wow! What an audience tonight, you guys are all right! We've got a great show, great show for everyone tonight! Okay, everyone settle down. Settle down, indoor voices. Actually, you know, why doesn't everyone just shut up?

[Laughter]

I'm serious. I'm not shouting over you, not again. You want these jokes? I'm not up here whistling dixie, let's get our acts together.

[Silence, man coughs]

Hey! But let's have some fun! Right Mark?

[Band leader laughs and nods]

Okay, quiet fun... So Congress is in the news and -- no, this doesn't feel right. It's not going to be funny now. I, I, I blame you. Yeah, some audience. I wanted to come out here, tell you some jokes, but obviously you didn't want that, did you? I do this every night, no one's ever had a problem. Last night, the fabulous Mariska Hargitay was on from Law & Order: SVU on Tuesday nights at 10/9 central on NBC; she told a delightful story about dealing with her kids, and that audience didn't fly off the handle!

Look, okay, let's just get through this. I know it's not going to be funny now, but whatever. I don't even really remember it now, but fine. You don't even deserve the punchline anyway.

[More silence]

So Congress is in the news. It's true. They just passed a non-binding resolution against President Bush's troop surge. The President responded by, uh, he said... this is what he said, he goes, "No binding, that's going to fall apart just like my planned troop surge!" That's uh, dammit.

[Rim shot, audience boos]

Oh screw you! You had to be there, okay? It was funny if you saw it! It's your fault. Don't like the joke, it's on your heads. Yeah, fine, let's take these idiots to commercial. But hey! We've got a wonderful show for you tonight! Ernest Borgnine is here for some reason, as is Julianne Moore. Later, indie-folk-man wordsmith Richard Buckner is here to play for you and talk about his recent album Meadow. You can catch him on tour next month starting right here in New York.

We'll be right back:

Merzbow and Others Confirmed for No Fun Fest 2007

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#$)(W#% $#)(%$# , No Fun Fest.. 0(#W%843w5WRE> s43lkdsR9(%((%(%. 0(%(%% Q#W) w/334$[ $W)9349 @@ @ 439 $#JG$ GDL$)(W* T LDSJF.04(( $% #(9999 #@Q*$# 59555%% @Q@) #@. This should help us sell some ad space.

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