By Hanky Panky on Mar 13 2008

U.S. House of Representatives, those mighty elected representatives of the people, the powers that be, have battered their little gravels in a cacophonist chorus with such discrepant cries as "ASDKJAFDLKJ, YARRR!" And Hallelujah for that.

Presented with the Prioritizing Resources and Organization for Intellectual Property Act (PRO IP Act, HR 4279) earlier this week -- the bill originally called for a penalty of $30,000 per track (setting the fine of downloading Janet Jackson's 22 track Discipline at a total of $660,000), far exceeding the current maximum damages of $30,000 per compilation -- the Representatives in the house (what what, represent!) unanimously voted to amend the bill by throwing their hands in the air like the roof was on fire (they didn't need no water; let the motherfucker burn!) keeping the current $30,000 maximum compilation fine intact. Which will only set you back, say, a Honda Civic rather than the value of your entire life at a part-time minimum wage job.

Justice!

But really, I think the amendment was made in hoping to curb the temptation of shitty, on-the-downhill artists from prompting people to download their albums and then BLAM! Hitting them up for $660 grand, figuring that's a hell of a lot more than they would have made if you'd actually bought it at Wal-Mart.

"Whether it is still prudent to limit statutory damages when multiple works on a compilation have been infringed is a topic of ongoing conversations and subject matter for another day," said House Judiciary Committee Chairman John Conyers.

Sixty pages later, the PRO IP Act stipulates far more than maximum financial penalties. Ambiguous powers are to be extended to federal officials for the purpose of confiscating property, "including computer equipment used to commit intellectual property crimes or obtained as a result of those proceeds." Furthermore, officials will have the power to publicly humiliate criminals by tying them naked to a whipping pole in public, condemning them to hell, and executing the Raiders Of The Lost Ark-style heart-being-ripped-out-of-your-chest move, which they don't get to do very often these days.

But don't let that worry you. House officials say stipulations won't be so ambiguous as to target wholly innocent individuals. In fact, for any such fate to befall you, there would have to be substantial evidence linking the property/individual to the offense. You know, rather than dolling out the punishment because they kinda sorta think you might have maybe done it.

The bill will also create a Pirate-Busting taskforce, WHIPER (the White House Intellectual Property Enforcement Representative), the head of which will be the "president's principal adviser and spokesman for intellectual property matters."

"With this vote, Congress has taken the first legislative step toward enacting a common sense bill that closes needless loopholes in the copyright laws and provides more resources to the federal government and law enforcement to fully address intellectual property theft," says Mitch Glazier, RIAA executive VP of government and industry relations. "This is great news for the music community and all businesses that rely upon intellectual property laws."

Which means bad news for everyone else.