Liking Basement Jaxxx Might Make You Attractive; Liking Sean Lennon Too Much Might Not

An acquaintance of mine made a statement a while back that’s stuck in my head ever since. Sometimes that happens, no? A co-worker, admirer, enemy, boss, cellmate, gym partner, girlfriend, siamese twin, relative, stepmom, guardian, nanny, teacher, boyscout leader, band member, pastor, bishop, friend, crane operator, receptionist, love interest, fellow Hasselhoff fanatic, therapist, sponsor, paperboy, friend of a friend, customer, mother-in-law, cousin, halfwit uncle, stalker, hot dog vendor, ticket taker, grade-school janitor, or some other acquaintance says something that you don't automatically lend any credence. Then you think about it; the gears of your mind are churning like your gut after a soiled McRib. Your teeth clench, your face turns red, your eyes water, you look like someone just punched your soul. Your bowels loosen, your sphinct- (HEY!!! If you’re wondering when I’m going to get to the meat of this news post then FUCK OFF, this ain’t a free show, so get yer kicks someplace else, hole -- I'm trying to make a point here. You gotta break a few omelets to make a few eggs, knowhatI'msayin'? GENIUS AT WORK).

But I digress. The quote that so thoroughly annoyed/vexed me? Well, it wasn't anything gravely serious, but sometimes things that aren't gravely serious -- that are maybe, say, only vaguely, trivially serious -- become more serious than anything one would have originally considered gravely serious. So without further ado, here's the nefarious, malfeasant comment, made in the passenger seat of my car: “I think I need to date someone that listens to Basement Jaxx. I’ve never dated anyone that listened to Basement Jaxx.”

I mean WHAT THE FUCK? You think someone has a good head on his/her shoulders, you’re perfectly ready to share a tall glass of rich, chocolate Ovaltine with her/him, and he/she drops a bomb in your lap. How is a self-respecting dude supposed to respond to that anyway? Either way you look like a total douche; if you say you’ve always liked Basement Jaxx, you look like a suck-up li'l bitch nosing for a dog treat; if you say you wish they’d stuck with the dub-rapping of Remedy, you’re probably going to end up in the doghouse with those other stiffs, not a tasty treat to your name.

Me? I chose the road less traveled: I changed the subject! Here’s a completely inaccurate transcription of our conversation with the salient points intact:

Mrs. X: I think I need to date someone that listens to Basement Jaxx. I’ve never dated anyone that listened to Basement Jaxx.

Me: [looking out the car window with shock] OH MY GOD, IS THAT LINDA RONSTADT?

Mrs. X: What? Where?

Me: Oh wait, it’s just a pile of old rags... so’ve you heard the new Sean Lennon, Friendly Fire?

Mrs. X: No, but I TOTALLY love that guy. I wanna have like, 18 of his babies and I worshipped his first album. So is the new one good?

Me: [deflated like a poked beach ball] Er, yeah, I guess. [slump shoulders] I dunnoooooo...

See how that turned out? I dodged an uncomfortable conversational bullet only to get hit with a hollow point: an unrequited crush. But don’t let the unfortunate ending fool you; I still played that shit off perfectly. I should be on WifeSwap, or Flavor of Love or some shit. Whatever. I’m not picky, really. I’ll even co-star with Puck in the new edition of The Surreal Life. Hell, I’ll even share screen time with that prick Dave Eggers. Actually naw, naw, I won’t share the screen with that overrated whore, but I will star with an author I’m a little less jealous of. Jewel maybe.

Now that I have that worked out, I feel totally and completely ready to unveil a li'l piece of news. Our friend Sean L., who has been heartbroken lately if the lyrics to Friendly Fire are any indication, is going on tour! THAT'S RIGHT, THIS ENTIRE NEWS STORY IS ACTUALLY ABOUT SEAN LENNON! Isn’t that crazy? No? Well I thought it was kinda crazy. Agree to disagree?

You might be a Basement Jaxx fan IF:

Illustration by Carolina Suarez

Mando Diao Come to America to Release LP, Play Shows, and Love

Sweden must be this year's Canada. Nowadays, people (including you) can't seem to get enough of the bands from this glorious country. So, get with the program (the program = Mando Diao, not that horrible '90s college football flick). Mando Diao, Sweden's best rock 'n' roll band to combine crowning vocals & angry vocals (courtesy of the band's two vocalists), non-psychedelic-Oasis tunes, and Libertines-ramshackle-urgency are coming back to the USA with their third LP on Mute Records April 24. Ode to Ochrasy, which was produced by Owen Morris (Oasis), came out last fall in most European countries, where it has already gone gold. The record finds this five-piece giving us more of what they do best: melodic, soulful, rhythmic, and intense rock songs with occasionally broken-English lyrics that are still somehow poetic, all played with abandon. Speaking of playing, the band has a spring tour lined up, beginning with an appearances at SXSW and Coachella. All post-Coachella shows will take place indoors, be with South Carolinians The Films, and won't subject attendees to desperate-to-end-you-life temperatures.

Tourdates:

Amon Tobin, God of Thebes, Announces New Album and Tour

Amon (Amen, Amun, Ammon, Amoun)

Symbols: ram, goose, bull

Cult Center: Ninja Tune, Brazil

The god of Ninja Tune, Amon was shown as human. He was viewed (along with his consort Amaunet) in Brazil as a primordial creation-deity. Up to the time of the XIIth Dynasty, Amon was a Ninja Tune god of no more than local importance, but as soon as the princes of Ninja Tune had conquered their rival claimants to the rule of Brazil and had succeeded in making their city a new capital of the country, their god Amon became a prominent god in England. It was probably under that dynasty that the attempt was made to assign to him the proud position which was afterwards claimed for him of "king of the gods."

In spite of Amon's political ascension, he also enjoyed popularity among the common people of Brazil. He was called the vizier of the poor. It was said that he protected the weak from the strong and was an upholder of justice. Those who requested favors from Amon were required to demonstrate their worthiness or to confess their sins first.

Amon was represented in five forms:

1. As a man, when he is seen seated on a throne, and holding in one hand the was sceptre, and in the other the ankh
2. As a man with the head of a frog
3. As a man with the head of a uraeus (cobra)
4. As an ape
5. As a lion crouching upon a pedestal

His sacred animals were the goose and the ram, although he was never depicted as them.

Amon's Foley Room was released on March 6. The album was created from found sounds and field recordings and was packaged with a DVD documenting the process. The album went on to sell millions, causing his image as a man with a sceptre and ankh to dominate history books, for Amon was seated on the throne henceforth.

I should have written this story a lot earlier. I should have been on the ball. I should have pleased my editor. But I was drained from writing a composition for my French class. Even though I bullshitted the paper like a good student should, I'm still getting exhausted from French culture.

But then it hit me. I need to endure French culture even more. I need to be that asshole American that is better than every one else. But the catch is that I won't even get into "real" French culture. I'm just going to watch movies by Michel Gondry, listen to CocoRosie, and I will only get my car washed at the Mike's Car Wash that Gérard Depardieu works at. This should make me stick out enough without actually having to be French, right? Maybe my own pseudo assimilation of French culture will lead to a deeper impact on society. Maybe veterans will stop asking my friend, who cashiers at Target, if the company he works for is owned by France. It's time to love France. The peace starts with CocoRosie.

The CocoRosie sisters, Bianca and Sierra, have been embracing France for quite some time, as well as embracing the neo-folk community and befriending Devendra Banhart. I mean, if France is cool to CocoRosie that is le cool. The sisters have glorified French culture even more on their upcoming album by recording in Paris and working with some famous French people. I hope you can appreciate CocoRosie and France, but maybe you're just not cool enough to appreciate CocoRosie. Maybe you're so cool that you have transcended music all together, like many of us have. Well, if you ever start listening to music again, precious TMT reader (why are you reading this anyways if you transcended music?), maybe you should give CocoRosie a giant man-hug of a try this time around. And maybe you should put down those freedom fries!

The third album from CocoRosie, titled The Adventures Of Ghosthorse & Stillborn, will be released on April 10 of this year. To step up the pace from their humble neo-acoustic folk beginnings, the duo went to Reykjavik and collaborated with producer Valgeir Sigurðsson, who is known for his work with Björk. The album should be a departure from the other two more obscure efforts, and they are calling this one "a more self-exploitive memoir."

This album will also feature other outside collaborations, such as collaboration with renowned French artists Pierre et Gilles for the album's artwork. Michel Gondry has also directed the video for the first single "Rainbowarriors." Of course this enough to make any pretentious art boy or girl cream her pants.

The Adventures Of Ghosthorse & Stillborn tracklist:

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