Liking Basement Jaxxx Might Make You Attractive; Liking Sean Lennon Too Much Might Not

An acquaintance of mine made a statement a while back that’s stuck in my head ever since. Sometimes that happens, no? A co-worker, admirer, enemy, boss, cellmate, gym partner, girlfriend, siamese twin, relative, stepmom, guardian, nanny, teacher, boyscout leader, band member, pastor, bishop, friend, crane operator, receptionist, love interest, fellow Hasselhoff fanatic, therapist, sponsor, paperboy, friend of a friend, customer, mother-in-law, cousin, halfwit uncle, stalker, hot dog vendor, ticket taker, grade-school janitor, or some other acquaintance says something that you don't automatically lend any credence. Then you think about it; the gears of your mind are churning like your gut after a soiled McRib. Your teeth clench, your face turns red, your eyes water, you look like someone just punched your soul. Your bowels loosen, your sphinct- (HEY!!! If you’re wondering when I’m going to get to the meat of this news post then FUCK OFF, this ain’t a free show, so get yer kicks someplace else, hole -- I'm trying to make a point here. You gotta break a few omelets to make a few eggs, knowhatI'msayin'? GENIUS AT WORK).

But I digress. The quote that so thoroughly annoyed/vexed me? Well, it wasn't anything gravely serious, but sometimes things that aren't gravely serious -- that are maybe, say, only vaguely, trivially serious -- become more serious than anything one would have originally considered gravely serious. So without further ado, here's the nefarious, malfeasant comment, made in the passenger seat of my car: “I think I need to date someone that listens to Basement Jaxx. I’ve never dated anyone that listened to Basement Jaxx.”

I mean WHAT THE FUCK? You think someone has a good head on his/her shoulders, you’re perfectly ready to share a tall glass of rich, chocolate Ovaltine with her/him, and he/she drops a bomb in your lap. How is a self-respecting dude supposed to respond to that anyway? Either way you look like a total douche; if you say you’ve always liked Basement Jaxx, you look like a suck-up li'l bitch nosing for a dog treat; if you say you wish they’d stuck with the dub-rapping of Remedy, you’re probably going to end up in the doghouse with those other stiffs, not a tasty treat to your name.

Me? I chose the road less traveled: I changed the subject! Here’s a completely inaccurate transcription of our conversation with the salient points intact:

Mrs. X: I think I need to date someone that listens to Basement Jaxx. I’ve never dated anyone that listened to Basement Jaxx.

Me: [looking out the car window with shock] OH MY GOD, IS THAT LINDA RONSTADT?

Mrs. X: What? Where?

Me: Oh wait, it’s just a pile of old rags... so’ve you heard the new Sean Lennon, Friendly Fire?

Mrs. X: No, but I TOTALLY love that guy. I wanna have like, 18 of his babies and I worshipped his first album. So is the new one good?

Me: [deflated like a poked beach ball] Er, yeah, I guess. [slump shoulders] I dunnoooooo...

See how that turned out? I dodged an uncomfortable conversational bullet only to get hit with a hollow point: an unrequited crush. But don’t let the unfortunate ending fool you; I still played that shit off perfectly. I should be on WifeSwap, or Flavor of Love or some shit. Whatever. I’m not picky, really. I’ll even co-star with Puck in the new edition of The Surreal Life. Hell, I’ll even share screen time with that prick Dave Eggers. Actually naw, naw, I won’t share the screen with that overrated whore, but I will star with an author I’m a little less jealous of. Jewel maybe.

Now that I have that worked out, I feel totally and completely ready to unveil a li'l piece of news. Our friend Sean L., who has been heartbroken lately if the lyrics to Friendly Fire are any indication, is going on tour! THAT'S RIGHT, THIS ENTIRE NEWS STORY IS ACTUALLY ABOUT SEAN LENNON! Isn’t that crazy? No? Well I thought it was kinda crazy. Agree to disagree?

You might be a Basement Jaxx fan IF:

Illustration by Carolina Suarez

Indies Call Emergency Meeting to Discuss Impala’s Support of Warner Music Group’s Potential EMI Takeover

Last week, the media was buzzing about indie trade group Impala's support of a potential EMI acquisition by Warner Music Group. Indies supporting majors? I guess! In addition to heavyweights like Beggar's Group (Matador, 4AD, Too Pure, XL, etc.), Cooking Vinyl, !K7, and Tiny Mix Tapes U.K. Edition, Impala also lists The Association of Independent Music (AIM) as one of its members, another indie trade group from the U.K. that evidently also boasts Beggars Group, Cooking Vinyl, !K7, and maybe even TMT U.K., too (wink).

Since the announcement, however, two members have announced their intentions to leave AIM because of its support of Impala's support of WMG's intentions to support EMI with a takeover bid, which is a support system these former AIM supporters can't support. Do you know what this means? EMERGENCY MEETING TIME!! AIM has convened an "emergency" board meeting for this week to vote on AIM's position on this hot topic, and you my friend, are invited.*

The first member to leave AIM was Ministry of Sound. Although hardly known in the U.S., MoS is actually the largest indie label in the U.K., so its intentions to split with AIM isn't being taken lightly. MoS was "shocked and outraged" that it was not consulted about the decision and read this cute little poem to the media:

As far as we are concerned IMPALA support appears to have been bought by Warner in order to avoid the costly legal implications of another long winded merger investigation by the European Commission. On top of that we believe that any concessions made by Warner are in effect rhetoric and in reality impossible to enforce on a day-to-day operational basis. The music industry is a very fast moving business and should Warner choose not to honour its commitments, recourse through litigation is impractical, slow and too expensive for any independent to undertake.

The second member to announce its intentions to leave AIM is independent music firm Gut. Yep, Gut. There are several sources claming as many as half a dozen other members are considering leaving too, although AIM suggests most of its members support AIM's support of Impala's support of WMG's intentions to support EMI with a takeover bid.

The meeting is scheduled for this Wednesday in London. If you're a major label tycoon, you should consider protesting. Fuckin' G8 summit up in this.

* You may or may not be invited.

The Blow To Whoosh Across Austria, Glide Through Spain, Waft Through France, Flutter Through Germany, Discharge All Over Sweden

In the interest of upholding this site's staggeringly unbiased journalism practices, I'd like to humbly mention that The Blow's Paper Television sucks. Her voice sounds too confident, the lyrics are too cutesy, and the beats are dead-on-arrival. And let me tell you, this comes on good authority; I own a Blow t-shirt. It's got disembodied hands crawling up the chest, partially covering my Blow-loving bosom. Furthermore, the last track on their Bonus Album was the cause of quite a stir during my formative years (yes, my formative years were less than four years ago), so don't think I'm a hater of da music, either.

The last track, "Little Sally Tutorial," is simply Khaela Maricich giving instructions on how to properly play the schoolyard game, "Little Sally Walker." I had never heard of the game, since my childhood was centered around avoiding balls being thrown to me in gym class, so I was thoroughly excited to be given the go-ahead to "do that thing" with some of my closest friends. Unfortunately, my closest friends were uninterested in both "Little Sally Walker" and The Blow in general. It wasn't until one magical night that we spent hours upon hours at a local drinking establishment that their minds began to change. Sufficiently drunk, I lured them back to my place like a common pedophile and put on the tutorial. Irritated groans gave way to excited giggles as we formed into a circle and let Khaela (and Phil Elverum!) guide us in humiliating ass thrusts. So yeah. I like The Blow, but not Paper Television.

And that's how I spent my summer vacation.

ooooOOOOOOOooooooo:

Mando Diao Come to America to Release LP, Play Shows, and Love

Sweden must be this year's Canada. Nowadays, people (including you) can't seem to get enough of the bands from this glorious country. So, get with the program (the program = Mando Diao, not that horrible '90s college football flick). Mando Diao, Sweden's best rock 'n' roll band to combine crowning vocals & angry vocals (courtesy of the band's two vocalists), non-psychedelic-Oasis tunes, and Libertines-ramshackle-urgency are coming back to the USA with their third LP on Mute Records April 24. Ode to Ochrasy, which was produced by Owen Morris (Oasis), came out last fall in most European countries, where it has already gone gold. The record finds this five-piece giving us more of what they do best: melodic, soulful, rhythmic, and intense rock songs with occasionally broken-English lyrics that are still somehow poetic, all played with abandon. Speaking of playing, the band has a spring tour lined up, beginning with an appearances at SXSW and Coachella. All post-Coachella shows will take place indoors, be with South Carolinians The Films, and won't subject attendees to desperate-to-end-you-life temperatures.

Tourdates:

Amon Tobin, God of Thebes, Announces New Album and Tour

Amon (Amen, Amun, Ammon, Amoun)

Symbols: ram, goose, bull

Cult Center: Ninja Tune, Brazil

The god of Ninja Tune, Amon was shown as human. He was viewed (along with his consort Amaunet) in Brazil as a primordial creation-deity. Up to the time of the XIIth Dynasty, Amon was a Ninja Tune god of no more than local importance, but as soon as the princes of Ninja Tune had conquered their rival claimants to the rule of Brazil and had succeeded in making their city a new capital of the country, their god Amon became a prominent god in England. It was probably under that dynasty that the attempt was made to assign to him the proud position which was afterwards claimed for him of "king of the gods."

In spite of Amon's political ascension, he also enjoyed popularity among the common people of Brazil. He was called the vizier of the poor. It was said that he protected the weak from the strong and was an upholder of justice. Those who requested favors from Amon were required to demonstrate their worthiness or to confess their sins first.

Amon was represented in five forms:

1. As a man, when he is seen seated on a throne, and holding in one hand the was sceptre, and in the other the ankh
2. As a man with the head of a frog
3. As a man with the head of a uraeus (cobra)
4. As an ape
5. As a lion crouching upon a pedestal

His sacred animals were the goose and the ram, although he was never depicted as them.

Amon's Foley Room was released on March 6. The album was created from found sounds and field recordings and was packaged with a DVD documenting the process. The album went on to sell millions, causing his image as a man with a sceptre and ankh to dominate history books, for Amon was seated on the throne henceforth.