Lil’ John Now Holds a Guinness World Record, World Cheers in Ecstatic Joy

Reasons To Hate Lil' John
1) His stupid name.
2) His stupid face.
3) His stupid teeth.
4) His stupid music.
5) He was in Date Movie. You didn't know that, because you didn't see it, but I did. I had to. And he was in it. So I hate him more.
6) He's now a holder of a Guinness World Record.

To compare:

Mother Teresa

Opened orphanages and hospices in some of the poorest parts of the world.

Lil' John

Shouts "HEYYYYYYY!" a lot.

Mother Teresa

Lived in poverty her entire life so that she could help those in need.

Lil' John

Shouts "YEEYYYAAAAAH!" a lot.

Mother Teresa

Beatified by Jean-Paul II in 2003.

Lil' John

Shouts "HEYYYYYYYY!" some more.

Mother Teresa
0 Guinness World Records

Lil' John
1 Guinness World Record

Lil' John now holds the record for -- ahem -- the largest pendant in the world. It is, apparently, 34.4 ounces in weight, 7.5 inches long, and 6 inches wide, set in white and yellow gold, and with a total stone count of 3,756 white diamonds. And what does this $500,000 monstrosity look like? What message does it hold? I was guessing "HEEYYYYYYYY!" maybe. Or possibly "YEEYYAAAAAH!" Or p'raps "HEEEYYYYYY! YEEEYAAAAAAHH!" -- I can't imagine "HEEEEEYYYYYY!" on its own taking up any more than 2,000 diamonds and 15 ounces of gold. But, no, Lil' John went for something a little more sophisticated.


You sure? You absolutely positive? Because I think that if it wasn't before, it fucking well is now. Congratulations: here's the Nunpuncher World Record for most ironic pendant. You just killed crunk with the monumental, continent-shattering lameness of your neck furniture. You just killed hip-hop. In fact, fuck that -- you just killed music. That's it. It's dead. Go home.
7) His stupid goblets.

Psychic Paramount Feel Bad For Ruining Your Speakers, Tour with Your Mailman

Billy Dill-Dill: Booo-hoo-hoo-hooooooooo... [sobs, sniffing noises, honking-on-hanky sounds, unintelligible mumbling, baby talk, more sniffing sounds, eye-wiping]

Granthegumshoe: [speaking in a condescending voice one might use to talk to a toddler] Hey, what's wrong Billy Dill-Dill?

Billy Dill-Dill: Well two more wet sniffs, one last gargantuan honk on hanky], I just bought [The Psychic Paramount's Live 2002: The Franco-Italian Tour CD (TMT Review) and there's something wrong with it. [voice quavering, cracking, breaking] Every time I... [another honk; thought he was done!] Every time I play it there's this weird distortion sound and way too much bass. I don't know if it's a defective disc or if I need new speakers, but I feel like I've nowhere to turn.

Granthegumshoe: Awww, that's so cute! [slap Billy's bum, pinch his nose, ruffle his hair] Don't worry young lad, the "defective disc" you speak of is actually working perfectly. You see, sometimes when a band really loves its listeners it wants to show its listeners just how much it loves them...

Billy Dill-Dill: [looking impatient] Hey, aren't you supposed to refer to bands plurally?


Billy Dill-Dill: So-rry.

Granthegumshoe: Okay then. Now, as I was saying, when a band really loves their listeners they want to show their listeners just how much they love them; they want to be as close to their listeners as they possibly can, and kissing can only take you so far. That's why bands sometimes release live albums that sound like total shit. They want you to feel like you were there. So, you see little Billy Dill-Dill, you don't have a defective CD at all! In fact, you might say your CD works even better than most!!! Besides, they're planning to release a new studio album on No Quarter in the fall of this year. Does that help?

Billy Dill-Dill: Wow! Thanks Grantie, I feel a whole lot better! Sometimes I just get scared, you know?

Granthegumshoe: Well you should be scared, Billy. Sure, your CD isn't defective, but your daddy's an unemployed alcoholic and your mommy is making boom-boom with the mailman. In fact, the mailman's actually your daddy and everyone in town knows. They all snicker and point at you when you're not looking; in fact, I'm pretty sure no one likes you. [pull up cuff of sleeve, look at watch, grimace] Ooh, looks like I gotta go! See you around fatty!

Billy Dill-Dill: WAHAHAHAHAAAAAAH, booo-hoo-hoo-hooooooooo... [sobs, sniffing noises, honking-on-hanky sounds, unintelligible mumbling, baby talk, more sniffing sounds, eye-wiping]

You might see your friendly -- and sexy -- neighborhood mailman at one of these tourdates:

All dates with Trans Am and Zombi

RIP: Faustino Oramas (Buena Vista Social Club)

According to the Cuban state radio, Buena Vista Social Club member Faustino Oramas passed away yesterday in a hospital in Holguin, his hometown, after an extended battle with liver cancer. Reports state his age as being 95, though some claim that he was older. The former troubadour joins the ranks of outstanding Social Club members who are now no longer with us.

The singer spent much of his career known as "El Guayabero," named after a town where he got in trouble for flirting with a married woman. His love of erotic themes penetrated much of his work. He was also a master of the 'son,' a particular flavor of Cuban music, known for its structures and rhythmic properties, which is celebrated throughout the Buena Vista Social Club album. His sense of fun and irony will be missed.

So make sure you add "Candela" to your next mixtape in honor of him, okay, fellow music fans?

Phillip Glass and Talib Kweli Mashup for Article; Tour Separately

In my mind, there are two different groups of people: fans of American composer Phillip Glass and fans of politically minded, American rapper Talib Kweli. Perfect harmony would occur if these two separate entities were to tour the world and spread peace. However, the best we can do is to include the two in an article, in this writer's attempt to bring us all a little bit closer.

In a dark alley in NYC, a gang of thugs rise from the far right end of the thick fog, swinging chains and snapping their fingers in cadence with their boot stomping. Another gang of hoodlums appear on the opposite side. Their shadows creep from the shadows to dance over a fire near the center of the alley.

Glass Gang: Yo! You're in Philip Glass territory, fools!

Kweli Gang: Hey, this was Talib Kweli territory first. We owned this territory before Black Star with Mos Def.

Glass Gang: Bullshit! Two words: Candyman soundtrack! Suck it!!

Kweli Gang: You ain't serious. What about Einstein on the Beach and Metamorphosis?

Glass Gang: You've obviously never seen the cinematic masterpiece that is Candyman. You fools know nothing about Talib Kweli either. What about his bleak, but defining first solo record Quality, not to mention his powerful work with Madlib and Hi-Tek?

Kweli Gang: Wait! You really do like Talib Kweli! And remember earlier we mentioned Einstein on the Beach and Metamorphosis?

Glass Gang: Oh yeah, you guys must really understand the minimalism of Phillip Glass!

Before the orgy, the gangs made good times at Taco Bell and had ice cream afterwards. They hung out at a Glass gang member's flat (this gang member had a red bandana) and watched DVDs of Freaks & Geeks. It was during this time that the Glass gang mentioned Glass' newest opera Appomattox and his upcoming tour. The Kweli gang chimed in and added that Kweli's new album Ear Drum drops June 19 and that he's touring as well. The two gangs shook hands and agreed to make it to at least five shows of each. Then they had that aforementioned orgy with ex-American Gladiators Nitro, Steel, Elektra, Tower, Tank, Turbo, Lace, and Zap.

Talib Kweli tourdates:

Sony BMG Regulatory Review Put Through A Boss Delay Pedal

Those of you waiting for the hotly anticipated verdict in the Sony BMG merger reexamination will have to keep waiting: European regulators recently hit the pause button on the shitty Aiwa stereo system that is the Sony BMG merger investigation. Why? Perhaps too busy selling one million ringtones (called a Mastertone) of Waylon Jenning's "Theme from The Dukes of Hazzard (Good Ol' Boys)," Sony BMG apparently failed to provide requested information on time.

"Please note that the commission sent an Article 11 decision to the parties involved in the Sony BMG merger for failure to provide requested information," said the Commission in an official statement. "This means that the clock has stopped on this case until such time as the information is received."

Inside sources told TMT that the information requested was a response to the following question: "Do you think you guys should still stay merged or should we break you apart?"

The deadline of July 2 will now most likely be delayed, but that doesn't automatically mean you'll experience hair loss. In fact, hair loss is also common among women as they age. But consult your doctor if you experience severe vomiting or diarrhea.

Vladimir Propp was a Russian de-structuralist who worked diligently in the early 1900s to analyze folk tales in order to break them down into distinct units, which he called "narratemes." Through his dissection of reoccurring plot functions, Propp was able to compile a list of 31 of these narrative themes that were present in all fairy/folk tale construction. Among these identifiable and ever-present elements were "A member of a family leaves home (the hero is identified, #1)" or "Victim taken in by deception, unwittingly helping the enemy (#7)" or "Hero is given a new appearance (is made whole, handsome, new garments, etc., #29)." Much of it has merit (print off the list sometime and keep it under your beer can to check out the next time you are watching any adaptation of a folk tale or sci-fi production that begins with the word "Star" and ends in "Trek" or "Wars"). But, however interesting his theory is at face value, Propp did not account for some crucial things that make folk and fairy tales what they are, namely, that these stories rely heavily on the oral storytelling tradition to differentiate them from one another and to best augment mood, character, and tone. Where is the love Propp? Where's the passion?

When breaking down TMT album news stories, it is easy to distinguish certain generic elements too. Chief among these are the mentioning of the band and their members, details of the upcoming album and its tracks, the most recently released album or recorded activity, and perhaps a few scattered tourdates and planned single releases. We could easily come up with a system for reoccurring posted "newsalbumatemes" and follow them to the letter so that we could pump out more and more news without any regard to tone or humor. Many of our blind and bland competitors' news reads exactly like this blueprint already.

But... balls to you V. Propp! We're Tiny Mix Tapes and we ain't gonna take it! We're not gonna take it... anymore! Most of the albums we write about 'round these parts deserve a less clinical announcement than the unbending, unflinching, cold-hearted, dead-bastard, folk tale buzzkiller would have tried if still alive. And albums featuring one of the most important figures on the post-punk-shamble-rock scene paired with an esteemed techno-house-kitchen-sink act deserves nothing less than that warm feeling you get when you have been sufficiently dry-humped through your computer.

Domino Records will release the full-length album by Von Südenfed, which is a brand-name collaboration between Mark E. Smith of The Fall and Andi Toma and Jan St. Werner, aka Mouse on Mars. Tromatic Reflexxions will be out May 21 and will be preceded by its lead-off track, "Fledermaus Can't Get Enough," as a single on May 7. This isn't the first time the Mancunian menace has teamed up with the German duo of Andi Toma and Jan St. Werner. In 2004, MES provided vocals to a 12-inch mix of their synth stomper "Wipe That Sound." Seeds were planted, fruits started blossoming, and less than three years later we are anxiously awaiting the arrival of bouncing baby Von Südenfed!

Did someone say tracklist?

1. Fledermaus Can't Get Enough
2. The Rhinohead
3. Flooded
4. Family Fued
5. Serious Brainskin
6. Speech Contamination/German Fear of Osterreich
7. The Young The Faceless and the Codes
8. Duckrog
9. Chicken Yiamas
10. That Sound Wiped
11. Jback Lois Lane
12. Dearest Friends

Despite celebrating the tuff-life boogie for 50 years now, MES is heading into his second half-century, a man possessed with 10 times the vim and vigor of Blanche from The Golden Girls. First, Reformation! Post-TLC, the latest Fall album, is out in the U.S. TODAY on Narnack Records. We won't bother with a tracklist, but if you are kurious, oranj, you should really go buy the album. It features the original 14 songs on the U.K. album version released in February, but it is an enhanced CD that hosts four additional video clips. The videos included are "Hungry Freaks Daddy," "My Door Is Never," "Scenario," and "Theme From Sparta F.C." and were recorded live in New York City on November 5, 2006.

Second, Sanctuary will be releasing the title track from Reformation! as a single in the U.K. on April 9. Third, Universal is reissuing expanded versions of early 1990s albums Shift-Work, Code: Selfish, and Extricate in May. Fourth, The Fall are playing live in Britain right now. Check their site for details. Finally, the official (maybe partially ghost-written) autobiography of Mark E. Smith Renegade: The Lives and Tales of Mark E. Smith (or Renegade: The Gospel According to Mark E. Smith) is due on June 28 through Viking. Now, isn't all that better than the "Here's the cold hard facts, you shitbums" approach?