Little Known Band Makes Little Known Murder, Good Charlotte Still Rock!

Most of you probably remember the chart scorcher Mo’ Money Mo’ 40z. Self-released in 1998 by the pop-punk band Mest, it included the hits: "Muckaferguson," "Beer" and "R Ska Song." The cover art was probably something worth remembering as well. Naturally, the centerpiece was a forty with the label changed to read the same as the CD title. Stage left had some dolla bills backed by a pair of dice. The ever-present cigarette and ashtray filled stage right, and of course Mest was awarded the highly coveted Parental Advisory label. By 2000, Mest had been picked up by Maverick Records. This label probably pops up quite frequently in your home collection with such artists as Tantric, Story of the Year, and Michelle Branch (A little bit of laughs, a little bit of pain/ I'm tellin' you my babe, it's all in the game of love — oooow woooh. Yeah, I know you’re singing it now). But back to the matter at hand: we all love Mest. The wanna-be SoCo pop-punk band hailing from outside the sunny coast of Chicago made it big time when they signed on Benji Madden (Good Charlotte fame) to guest on the single "Jaded." This could have been a cheap move, trying to bask in Good Charlotte’s light, but Tony Lovato, the lead singer, said otherwise, “The song was going to happen, whether GC had become famous or not.”

****UPDATE*****

GC is now the cool way to address Good Charlotte.

*****************

The lifestyle of the rich and famous (eww, sorry but I had to do that), however, caught up to Lovato last week when he went all O.J. Simpson on his ex-girlfriend’s new lover. Police in Los Angeles arrested Lovato Sunday for criminal homicide. Lovato was held on a $1 million bail and had admitted to stabbing Wayne Hughes, 25. The police had been called to the location of the murder once before to settle a dispute between the two, but evidently the second time was the charm, or something like that.

Although murdering someone is never really fun, nor is death a laughing matter, we can safely assume Lovato is pretty psyched to have landed a full-time gig in the big house. Since his band is now defunct and income was most likely unsteady, the guaranteed three meals per day, free clothing, and free shelter probably sound pretty nice. So first, shame on you, Mr. Lovato. Then, mad props for stickin’ it to the system.

Arctic Monkeys Make Bad Pets, Tour With Be Your Own Pet

I'd really love to know what happened when former Be Your Own Pet drummer Jamin Orral was like, "Guys? I know Thurston Moore thinks we totally kill it, and we get to drink a lot without asking that weird dude outside the convenience store to buy us beer, but... I'm gonna go to Target now. I need a Medusa lamp for my, uh, dorm room. Because... I'm going to college. To drink cheap beer at frat parties."

I'm guessing lead singer Jemina Pearl threw a big bleached-blonde tantrum and the rest of the band stood around looking distinctly underage. Never fear, the new and improved (though slightly grumpy) Be Your Own Pet hit the road in May with Arctic Monkeys, who have perfected their own special brand of British smarminess.
1, 2, 3, scowl!:

Lil’ John Now Holds a Guinness World Record, World Cheers in Ecstatic Joy

Reasons To Hate Lil' John
1) His stupid name.
2) His stupid face.
3) His stupid teeth.
4) His stupid music.
5) He was in Date Movie. You didn't know that, because you didn't see it, but I did. I had to. And he was in it. So I hate him more.
6) He's now a holder of a Guinness World Record.

To compare:

Mother Teresa

Opened orphanages and hospices in some of the poorest parts of the world.

Lil' John

Shouts "HEYYYYYYY!" a lot.

Mother Teresa

Lived in poverty her entire life so that she could help those in need.

Lil' John

Shouts "YEEYYYAAAAAH!" a lot.

Mother Teresa

Beatified by Jean-Paul II in 2003.

Lil' John

Shouts "HEYYYYYYYY!" some more.

Mother Teresa
0 Guinness World Records

Lil' John
1 Guinness World Record

Lil' John now holds the record for -- ahem -- the largest pendant in the world. It is, apparently, 34.4 ounces in weight, 7.5 inches long, and 6 inches wide, set in white and yellow gold, and with a total stone count of 3,756 white diamonds. And what does this $500,000 monstrosity look like? What message does it hold? I was guessing "HEEYYYYYYYY!" maybe. Or possibly "YEEYYAAAAAH!" Or p'raps "HEEEYYYYYY! YEEEYAAAAAAHH!" -- I can't imagine "HEEEEEYYYYYY!" on its own taking up any more than 2,000 diamonds and 15 ounces of gold. But, no, Lil' John went for something a little more sophisticated.

"CRUNK'S NOT DEAD."

You sure? You absolutely positive? Because I think that if it wasn't before, it fucking well is now. Congratulations: here's the Nunpuncher World Record for most ironic pendant. You just killed crunk with the monumental, continent-shattering lameness of your neck furniture. You just killed hip-hop. In fact, fuck that -- you just killed music. That's it. It's dead. Go home.
7) His stupid goblets.

Psychic Paramount Feel Bad For Ruining Your Speakers, Tour with Your Mailman

Billy Dill-Dill: Booo-hoo-hoo-hooooooooo... [sobs, sniffing noises, honking-on-hanky sounds, unintelligible mumbling, baby talk, more sniffing sounds, eye-wiping]

Granthegumshoe: [speaking in a condescending voice one might use to talk to a toddler] Hey, what's wrong Billy Dill-Dill?

Billy Dill-Dill: Well two more wet sniffs, one last gargantuan honk on hanky], I just bought [The Psychic Paramount's Live 2002: The Franco-Italian Tour CD (TMT Review) and there's something wrong with it. [voice quavering, cracking, breaking] Every time I... [another honk; thought he was done!] Every time I play it there's this weird distortion sound and way too much bass. I don't know if it's a defective disc or if I need new speakers, but I feel like I've nowhere to turn.

Granthegumshoe: Awww, that's so cute! [slap Billy's bum, pinch his nose, ruffle his hair] Don't worry young lad, the "defective disc" you speak of is actually working perfectly. You see, sometimes when a band really loves its listeners it wants to show its listeners just how much it loves them...

Billy Dill-Dill: [looking impatient] Hey, aren't you supposed to refer to bands plurally?

Granthegumshoe: FUCK YOU!!! ALWAYS INTERRUPTING ME EVERY TIME I TRY TO HELP YOU! DON'T YOU WANT TO LEARN? DON'T YOU WANT TO LEARN THE WAYS OF THE WORLD? THE BIRDS AND THE BEES? THAT KIND OF THING?

Billy Dill-Dill: So-rry.

Granthegumshoe: Okay then. Now, as I was saying, when a band really loves their listeners they want to show their listeners just how much they love them; they want to be as close to their listeners as they possibly can, and kissing can only take you so far. That's why bands sometimes release live albums that sound like total shit. They want you to feel like you were there. So, you see little Billy Dill-Dill, you don't have a defective CD at all! In fact, you might say your CD works even better than most!!! Besides, they're planning to release a new studio album on No Quarter in the fall of this year. Does that help?

Billy Dill-Dill: Wow! Thanks Grantie, I feel a whole lot better! Sometimes I just get scared, you know?

Granthegumshoe: Well you should be scared, Billy. Sure, your CD isn't defective, but your daddy's an unemployed alcoholic and your mommy is making boom-boom with the mailman. In fact, the mailman's actually your daddy and everyone in town knows. They all snicker and point at you when you're not looking; in fact, I'm pretty sure no one likes you. [pull up cuff of sleeve, look at watch, grimace] Ooh, looks like I gotta go! See you around fatty!

Billy Dill-Dill: WAHAHAHAHAAAAAAH, booo-hoo-hoo-hooooooooo... [sobs, sniffing noises, honking-on-hanky sounds, unintelligible mumbling, baby talk, more sniffing sounds, eye-wiping]

You might see your friendly -- and sexy -- neighborhood mailman at one of these tourdates:

All dates with Trans Am and Zombi

RIP: Faustino Oramas (Buena Vista Social Club)

According to the Cuban state radio, Buena Vista Social Club member Faustino Oramas passed away yesterday in a hospital in Holguin, his hometown, after an extended battle with liver cancer. Reports state his age as being 95, though some claim that he was older. The former troubadour joins the ranks of outstanding Social Club members who are now no longer with us.

The singer spent much of his career known as "El Guayabero," named after a town where he got in trouble for flirting with a married woman. His love of erotic themes penetrated much of his work. He was also a master of the 'son,' a particular flavor of Cuban music, known for its structures and rhythmic properties, which is celebrated throughout the Buena Vista Social Club album. His sense of fun and irony will be missed.

So make sure you add "Candela" to your next mixtape in honor of him, okay, fellow music fans?

Phillip Glass and Talib Kweli Mashup for Article; Tour Separately

In my mind, there are two different groups of people: fans of American composer Phillip Glass and fans of politically minded, American rapper Talib Kweli. Perfect harmony would occur if these two separate entities were to tour the world and spread peace. However, the best we can do is to include the two in an article, in this writer's attempt to bring us all a little bit closer.

In a dark alley in NYC, a gang of thugs rise from the far right end of the thick fog, swinging chains and snapping their fingers in cadence with their boot stomping. Another gang of hoodlums appear on the opposite side. Their shadows creep from the shadows to dance over a fire near the center of the alley.

Glass Gang: Yo! You're in Philip Glass territory, fools!

Kweli Gang: Hey, this was Talib Kweli territory first. We owned this territory before Black Star with Mos Def.

Glass Gang: Bullshit! Two words: Candyman soundtrack! Suck it!!

Kweli Gang: You ain't serious. What about Einstein on the Beach and Metamorphosis?

Glass Gang: You've obviously never seen the cinematic masterpiece that is Candyman. You fools know nothing about Talib Kweli either. What about his bleak, but defining first solo record Quality, not to mention his powerful work with Madlib and Hi-Tek?

Kweli Gang: Wait! You really do like Talib Kweli! And remember earlier we mentioned Einstein on the Beach and Metamorphosis?

Glass Gang: Oh yeah, you guys must really understand the minimalism of Phillip Glass!

Before the orgy, the gangs made good times at Taco Bell and had ice cream afterwards. They hung out at a Glass gang member's flat (this gang member had a red bandana) and watched DVDs of Freaks & Geeks. It was during this time that the Glass gang mentioned Glass' newest opera Appomattox and his upcoming tour. The Kweli gang chimed in and added that Kweli's new album Ear Drum drops June 19 and that he's touring as well. The two gangs shook hands and agreed to make it to at least five shows of each. Then they had that aforementioned orgy with ex-American Gladiators Nitro, Steel, Elektra, Tower, Tank, Turbo, Lace, and Zap.

Talib Kweli tourdates: