Live Nation Finishes Buying Out House of Blues; Still In Negotiations with White House, Greenhouse Effect, Satan

Michael Rapino, CEO of the charming cash succubus that is Live Nation, has a heartwarming message for all music lovers: "We are excited about continuing to build the great House of Blues brand throughout the world. It will provide Live Nation with a great mid-size music business to compliment our music venue portfolio." Set your fears aside, people. The world's largest promoter and venue operator is getting bigger... and they're excited about it! Yes, the $350 million acquisition of the House of Blues franchise is finally finishing up after recently being cleared by the Department of Justice. Rapino plans on keeping the HOB brand name intact out of respect for the franchise's legacy, and in no way to dampen the public awareness that Live Nation controls every building in your hometown, including your own grandmother's garage. Next time you decide to visit, remember to bring enough lemonade for her and each member of Mudhoney.

Currently, there are only a small number of Blues Houses in select American cities, but Rapino's future plans are to aggressively force the Blues into every nook and cranny of the world. Live Nation's aim is to open its arms wide enough to encompass a rainbow monopoly over both stadium-size venues and alcohol-caked alleyways. Questions about antitrust issues come to mind, but these concerns are failing to make Rapino tremble: "We think there are still lots of opportunities for bands and the consumers to see bands in venues everywhere." Well. If his dizzyingly nuanced way with words is any indication of this merger's future, we all have a lot to look forward to next time we go to a show. Like, for example, guitar solos sponsored by Applebee's.