Lost Ad Features Silver Mt. Zion Song, Attractive People With Problems

By Squeo on

Voiceover: PREVIOUSLY ON LOST [ominous strings followed by explosion]

CUT TO:

Jack: [noticing Ben in tree] Who is that? [polar bear attacks]

CUT TO:

Ben: What are you doing to me, I'm not one of them!

Sayid: Just keep quiet, you monster.

Ben: My name is Reginald P. Weathertree. I've got three kids and a dog -- last year I took them all on a parachuting vacation and we all parachuted together as a family because I love my family and also I love parachuting so goddamn much.

CUT TO:

Sayid [in flashback]: Life in Iraq is difficult, my love, but please accept this parachute as a sign of my love.

CUT TO:

Jack: Sayid, NO!

Sayid: I'm letting this man go, Jack. I don't torture innocent men. I won't torture innocent men.

CUT TO:

Sayid [in flashback]: Hold still!

Some Iraqi: OWWW!!!

CUT TO:

Sayid [staring out to sea as Silver Mt. Zion track plays softly]: I will not torture innocent men [last word echoes as camera zooms out to reveal Jack firing a handgun at two polar bears; Silver Mt. Zion track segues into A-Ha's "Take On Me."]

Credits:

% Vic Chesnutt

Scout Leader Kyle’s Greatest Hits: Tokyo Police Club Tour Stories Vol. 1

By Scout Leader Kyle on 01-24-2008

Hi everyone! Welcome to another day at Tiny Mix Tapes, where we strive to provide the most original, creative, and accurate editorial content. Today, we're going to celebrate ME! Why? Well, due to the fact that I've already written two stories on Tokyo Police Club, I now have the option of reposting my favorite moments from those stories (according to Mr P's Big Book of Music Journalism*), and hell if I don't take advantage!

The first greatest hits story is one I wrote while plastered off of two cups of cheap Smirinoff vodka. I'm a lightweight, so please no e-mails about how big of a wuss you think I am!

aTOKTO plice club you standing! there tokyo police club captpuling from a lesson in crime, tokyo poolice club have new story album coming out on coor obersts’ record label!! hahaha i lon’t like birght eye anymore cause i’m not ansgts y steenager and that is totally lame cause my friend, colt kgely, still likes bright eyes. i don’t

- Link To Original Story

Here's my second, not under the influence (though it may read like it!):

My favorite band in the whole wide world just started a fan club, and I’m in it! I get a free t-shirt and a hat and a poster and access to the online forums, and I get to buy front row seats before YOU and I get to read their super secret blog! However, since I’m promoting the fan club, I get to share some secret info with you! You’re soooooo lucky to be reading Tiny Mix Tapes because you know you don’t have enough money to join the fan club and I do cause daddy said I could. ["When you’re standing there/Tokyo Police Club!"] Gawd, I love that song. Such great indie rock goodness with a little pop touch and robot lyrics! So saweet! OMG! I almost like totally forgot about the super secret info from the fan club that YOU ARE NOT IN! Lolz!

- Link To Original Story

There, that took up some space. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed those Greatest Hits News Stories. Look for Tokyo Police Club's debut album, Elephant Shell, due in late April on Saddle Creek/Memphis Industries, and if you want some more information on the indie pop rawk sensation, then you should so check out their website here.

If you've made it this far in the story, then I thank you for re-reading my stories. I know the first time was hard enough. If you've just scrolled down here for the tourdates, then fuck you.

*Mr P's Big Book of Music Journalism is available online at Amazon.com for $59.99. I'd recommend buying it used, but the sad fact is that no one wants to sell this book after they get their mitts on it. "Simply life-changing and inspirational," according to Mr P's own description.

Avey Brings Rifle on Animal Collective’s European Tour

By Mango Starr on 01-24-2008

Avey Tare's all excited about his new rifle. So, he goes bear-hunting in Alaska. The first bear he sees is a little brown one, and he kills it with his first shot. There is a tap on his shoulder, and he turns around to see a big black bear.

The black bear says, "You've got two choices. One, I maul you to death. Or two, we have sex."

Avey bends over for the bear. He's sore for 2 days, walking around like a complete jerkoff, but he eventually recovers and vows revenge.

Avey heads out on another trip to Alaska and finds the black bear and kills it. At that moment, there is a tap on his shoulder. A huge grizzly is standing right behind him. The grizzly says, "That was a big mistake. You've got 2 choices, "Either I maul you to death or we have sex."

Avey bends over. He survives, but he's really hurting this time, and it takes quite a bit of time to recover. And he's of course outraged!

Sure enough, he heads back to Alaska and, after following Paw Tracks for miles, finds the grizzly and shoots him at point-blank range. There's a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to find Panda Bear.

Before Panda Bear could say anything, Avey says, "I know the drill, bub... I choose sex." Avey Tare and Panda Bear proceeded to make the most beautiful noise Alaska had ever heard.

Avey started booking dates as soon as the sex stank wore off:

* with Kria Brekkan

Björk Cancels Festival Performance Due to Swelling Vocal Cords

By Mr P on 01-24-2008

Under the advice of doctors, Björk has canceled her Friday Big Day Out appearance in Sydney due to swelling vocal cords following last night's performance at the Sydney Festival. The rest of her tour -- now fleshed out with dates in Korea, Hong Kong, Jakarta, and more -- is fully intact at the moment, but we'll have to wait and see if Björk can make a full recovery before finishing off her first Australian tour in 12 years. We know she will though. She's superhuman.

Big Day Out organizers are offering refunds, despite the 70+ acts scheduled to perform (from Spoon, Arcade Fire, and Battles to Dr. Octagon, Rage Against the Machine, and UNKLE). Silverchair are still on the bill.

And now for an inappropriate, out-of-context Björk quote:

“Football is a fertility festival. Eleven sperm trying to get into the egg. I feel sorry for the goalkeeper.”

Tourdates:

* Big Day Out Festival

Boredoms Sign to Thrill Jockey; Thrill Jockey Is Fucking Awesome

By Mango Starr on 01-23-2008

Thrill Jockey smiled as Boredoms made her way down toward the shore. Her long, dark hair hung loosely over her shoulders, with her perfectly toned body gleaming in the sunlight. For a moment, Thrill thought he might stop breathing if Boredoms didn't stop running. Dipping her toes in the water, Boredoms deemed it warm enough and made her way out to him, with a smile spread across her glossy lips.

"How are you liking the water?" Boredoms asked, as she reached Thrill.

"It's getting kinda hot actually," he said smiling at her, as she bobbed up and down in front of him.

"Oh yeah?"

"You know, if we weren't in public, I'd probably do you right now!" said Thrill jokingly.

"Why don't you?" she asked, licking her lips seductively. "The sun's going down... no one's on the sand. It's just me, you, and a really great idea."

"Lead the way," Thrill replied with a devilish grin.

As soon as they reached the beach, Boredoms started furiously kissing Thrill. If this was where she wanted it to happen, he sure wasn't going to protest. Slipping his tongue into her mouth, he began to tug at her bottom. She slowly pulled away and took off her bathing suit herself, smiling wickedly as she took his hand and slipped it between her legs. "Better?" she asked before kissing him again. Nodding and caressing his tongue with hers, Thrill slipped his fingers inside Boredoms and slowly began to stroke.

...

You can hear the rest of this sexy adventure on Boredoms' Super Roots 9 (TMT Review), set for release via Thrill Jockey everywhere outside Japan. Yep, Boredoms finally have a solid U.S. label to call home! The CD will come in a custom, mini-gatefold jacket, accompanied by a "40-page perfect bound booklet with music scores and notations." It'll even be available as a 320 bitrate, DRM-free download! Seriously, Thrill Jockey is the SHIT. Expect more sexy releases from Boredoms and Thrill Jockey in the future.

What a day at the beach:

$ "in the round" (which means you can walk freely around Boredoms as they make some crazy noise)

Stars of the Lid and Stars Tour Separately

By Mango Starr on 01-23-2008

How to make a Star Finder:

----

How to play the Star Finder game:

----

----

Now play with your Star Finder at rock concerts!

Stars of the Lid tourdates, in support of last year's tremendous And Their Refinement of the Decline (TMT Review) on Kranky:

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