Parents, if there's any kids in the room, either lock them away in their cages or sit them three inches from your monitor with a 40 oz. sippy cup of Jack, because this story is about Mötley Crüe -- and half measures are not allowed, regardless of age! Whatever it is about the band, people can’t get enough of the tales associated with it, no matter how insane, degrading, or unbelievable the story. F'rinstance...

An acquaintance of my older sister, who after sending the band a bunch of gushing fan letters, was “rewarded” with a jar of cum sent to him from the Crüe. You read that right... A JAR OF CUM from the Crüe!!! True story... I can't help but think that somewhere, in some shitty town, this douche probably still brings out the jar from cold storage, dons the leathers, makes a BC Rich Warlock out of his cardboard "shelving system" and dental floss, and rocks out to "Ten Seconds to Love" before crying himself to sleep at night thinking of the old days while listening to "Starry Eyes" with the jar resting lovingly next to him on a pillow of rolled-up sweatpants. Sorry, when the mind starts rambling, I just follow with my fingers on the keyboard. It's not my fault!

Yeah, it all makes for fantastic reading in the 400+ page autobiography The Dirt: Confessions of the World's Most Notorious Rock Band, so there's no reason it can't work on screen. At least that has been the thinking since the best-selling book appeared in 2001. Finally, after a long period of speculation and false starts, the movie now appears to be in pre-production and is due to be released by Paramount and MTV in 2008, with Larry Charles (Borat, Seinfeld, Curb Your Enthusiasm) rumoured to be lined up as director. Most exciting is the news that two "lesser" rock star roles have been established. At the opening of his Vegas tattoo parlour, singer Vince Neil gave an exclusive to ABC's Al Mancini, saying, "We're doing big, giant cameos with those people." He wasn't wrong. Apparently Christopher Walken has agreed to portray Ozzy Osbourne, and Val Kilmer will play David Lee Roth. The group themselves have repeatedly stated in the past that they themselves will be acted out by unknowns, but we all know "unknown" is a grey term at best. Yes, that’s right, when Hollywood wants to leak some juicy news, it comes to slithering to Tiny Mix Tapes, or at least it doesn't sue when we make up whatever the hell we want and post it as the truth. So, in that time-honored tradition, here's who our Tinseltown insider (allegedly) told us will be playing the major roles:

- Tara Reid as Vince Neil

- Quagmire from Family Guy as Tommy Lee (you heard it here first…The Dirt is going to be 1/4 animated!)

- Tara Reid as Pam Anderson

- Ashton Kutcher or his female equivalent, Yasmine Bleeth, as Nikki Sixx

- Tara Reid as Heather Locklear

- The little black-eyed crawling thing from The Grudge as Mick Mars

- Tara Reid (in cornrows) as Axl Rose

Whatever the final castings choices turn out to be, the last words about the flick here have to go to Mötley motormouth bassist Nikki Sixx, who's 2001 diary entry regarding the movie I stole from the "Absolute Motley Crue" fansite and I'm posting here because it has the word "balls" in it a lot: "...BUT IVE SEEN ENOUGH R MOVIES TO KNOW THAY CAN SNEAK SOME REAL LIFE GRIME IN THERE AND NOT LOSE THE BALLS... THATS THE ONE THING WE INSIST ON..THIS MOVIE HAS TO HAVE BALLS... BIG FUCKING NASTY HAIRY HANGING LOW HEAVY METAL BALLS..."

Ahhh, once again, Sixx soothes the soul. Man, this movie just simply HAS to happen!

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