Magik Markers Tour, But Not Where It Counts =[

Boy do I sure miss the days of my innocent childhood. It's weird though; I really can't remember the broader picture of what happened during those formative years. I can recall some very specific instances from certain Nicktoons for example, but I wouldn't be able to tell you what I did on an average day. I know that this one time, in kindergarten, my teacher was going to use my homework as an example, but while she was holding it up to show the class, she noticed that I had circled something wrong. But little did she fucking know, that circle was actually erased, it was just that my bullshit pencil didn't have a proper eraser so I had to make do. I was so fucking pissed off about that, you don't even know. But if you asked me what subject that was in or what I learned from that year until last, I really couldn't say. My memory is disturbingly blurry, and I don't quite understand why.

I feel like I've been cheated because of this. Just because I couldn't comprehend the world around me from ages 0–13 doesn't mean that I don't deserve those memories. I had emotions, worries, cares, intellect, and friends (kind of). Why can I only remember that one episode of Ren & Stimpy where they're trapped in a spaceship and slowly lose their sanity until they struggle over who gets to eat the last bar of soap? (You can tell what generation I belong to now.) Why can't I remember when and how I met the friends I have today or why they still talk to me? How will I rid myself of this demonic syndrome that has no name?

I feel as if I'm growing disillusioned, and yet I'm totally aware that I have no right to make that bullshit claim. I'm not even old enough to be properly sarcastic yet. Now is the age of optimism when I'm supposed to believe in some shit and make some fucking changes in how things are done. Cynicism? Nihilism? Anarchy? Fuck that. I need someone to take me back to my innocent days – someone who knows what pure, unadulterated bliss sounds like. I need some Magik Markers to fucking help me find my way back. You don't really have to grow up. Just grab a couple and take a big whiff. You will always remember.

Don't listen to me; listen to this:

Tiny Mix Tapes Gone to Heaven

It had been five days since Tiny Mix Tapes went into operation, and Shelly was excited to see how it turned out. Flashes of old memories from Geocities ran through her head -- first date, first kiss, first love. She even remembered what shirt TMT was wearing the day they met. Shelly started getting nervous. What could he be doing in there still? Why isn't he out yet? She only hoped the operation was successful. Shelly isn't normally one for surprises, but TMT assured her she'd love this particular surprise.

"Mrs. Barry?"

"Yes?," Shelly replied.

"He's ready to see you."

This was it. Shelly sprung from her chair and followed Dr. Rosenfield.

"Here's the room... I'll let you and TMT have some... privacy."

"Hey Doc... how.. how'd it turn out?" Shelly asked.

"Oh, you'll see..." he said coyly

Shelly knocked twice and slowly cracked open the door. "Hello?" On the hospital bed was TMT, wearing see-through music reviews and a tight news story. Shelly scanned his body, with her mouth open in awe.

"Oh my god, TMT... Did.. did you... Did you do what I think you did??"

"Yeah... what do you think of it?" TMT said shyly.

"But why? I thought you were perfect... I mean, the operation looks amazing, really, but.. I hope you didn't do this because you thought I wanted you to!" exclaimed Shelly.

"No, no. Don't worry Shelly. I did this because I love you. You've been so good to me over the years, and I wanted to just... you know, spice things up."

"Well... thanks TMT. It's amazing."

"Of course, it's not perfect just yet. It'll probably take through at least the rest of the year for it to be completely 100% ready... hell, you'll even see some changes throughout the day, but I was so excited I wanted to show you now. Plus, the doctor said it's alright if we want to... you know..."

After an uncomfortable pause, their eyes met. Shelly couldn't help but stare at what he had done. She started smiling, giggling nervously. TMT began taking his clothes off, as Shelly thought to herself how funny it is that years of studying the cultural implications of objectification could fly out the window so quickly. It was time to get it on.

Acid Mothers Temple Touring Again! “Better Than BluBlockers,” Says Consumer Survey

We TinyMixMunchkins have never had much time for the whole "good is better than evil because it's nicer" adage. It's not that we’re insensitive. Far from it! In fact, sources close to us joyful minions swear they saw Mr. (mono)P(oly) just the other day drop a shiny 25-cent piece into an overturned flat cap in front of a couple of down-on-their-luck street urchins whilst declaring, "There! The world is yours, you adorable scamps!" Even though some claim it was a nickel that he spent the morning pounding out to the size of a quarter, and others say he quickly demanded a foot rub and the Caramilk secret in return, it really is the thought that counts, I guess. Nope, in our minds (and in P's... no matter what he'll have you believe!) evil kicks ass. We're all about it, hence we're busting our y-fronts to tell you that the evilest incarnate Acid Mothers Temple will once again be poaching souls across the country (yes, yes... and Canada too... calm the fuck down hosers. I KNOW Canada isn't part of the U.S.).

Set your phasers to stun, set the controls for the heart of the sun, and set your agendas to fun beginning April 14 in Los Angeles, because the band who puts the... wait a second... April? Oh well, we won't hold this distant future tour announcement against AMT, because it is clearly a band driven mad by the tour lust it needs to survive. And like the looney on the corner who walks the line between pure genius and pure nonsense and who smells a smidgen like doodie and screams passages from the "good book" (Sweet Valley High: The Pom Pom Wars), but who, at the same time, kinda starts making sense after you've had nine pints and a chicken shawarma platter and is darn near impossible to look away from, Acid Mothers Temple are just as mesmerizing when they play live.

Take the brown acid... take all the acid:

M. Ward Goes on Tour, Leaves the “att” at home

Kiwis, Crocodile Hunter, Lord of The Rings, Crocodile Dundee, kangaroos, water draining clockwise. These are the only things related to Australia and New Zealand that Americans seem to be familiar with (even though the thing about water draining clockwise is bullshit). Kinda sad, isn't it? Well, maybe M. Ward can shed some light on these oh-so-mysterious lands at the conclusion of a string of shows he has scheduled in the two countries. Look for an upcoming college lecture tour, entitled, "Australia & New Zealand: Actually, Not the Same Place" sometime in the near future.

While M. (no, I don’t feel silly referring to him as M.) has played in Australia before, these will be his first shows in the land of Flying Nun Records. He is still promoting his latest LP, 2006’s Post-War, put out by the tastemakers at Merge Records (in America, sorry if that is confusing). The album was recently nominated for three Plug Independent Music Awards, as was Jenny Lewis’ Rabbit-Fur Coat (Team Love), which Ward co-produced. The Aussie shows will have M. accompanied by his usual backing band, which features percussionists Rachel Blumberg (ex-Decembrists) & Jordan Hudson (ex-thermals), guitarist Adam Selzer, and multi-instrumentalist Mke Coykendall. On the flipside, the NZ dates will see the man playing solo. Get your tix quick, Southern hemisphere-ians, two of the shows have already sold out.

Tourdates:

Bryan Ferry Answers TMT Reader Questions!

Dear Bryan,

I am 15 years old and have a sickening habit of chewing the inside of
my mouth and also my tongue. I have tried everything to get myself to
stop, but the problem keeps coming back! I'm worried that it may gross
a guy out when I kiss him. What can I do to stop?

--Chewed in Chicago

Chewed,

I contacted a dermatologist who described your habit as something
similar to nail biting. Becoming aware of when and why you chew is the
first step toward change. A second step is to go ahead and purchase my
new album that comes out in March. You see, Chewed, I recorded some of my favorite Bob Dylan songs and wanted to share them with people just like you! I mean, heck, have you ever heard of a "chewer" listening to Dylan? Nope! If that doesn't work, I'd suggest investing in a pack or
two of sugar-free gum.

Regards,
Bryan

Dear Mr. Ferry,

Last weekend I got a tongue piercing in a moment of insanity, and
without the permission of my parents. I feel so bad about it and
regret my decision. I'm also really scared because my tongue is
starting to turn yellowish, and sometimes there's this sticky blood in
the back that doesn't rub off. I urgently need your advice. Is there a
way to tell my parents without making them angry or grounding me?

--Pierced in Pasadena

Pierced,

First of all, show your parents some respect and let them know you got
a piercing. Parents can be difficult (oh boy how I know!) but deep
down they want you to be safe and healthy. At the very least, they
will be able to arrange to get you to an appropriate physician, and if
they're the kind of parents who love you, they might even go ahead
and buy you a couple tickets to go see... well, me, of course!
Sometimes laughter is the best medicine, and nothing spells out
laughter like a warmhearted performance in the United Kingdom by yours
truly. If that still isn't enough to heal your tongue, try to loosen
it up by repeating the following: "A brand new Roxy Music album will
also be released sometime in 2007." Try that a few times at varying
speeds and you'll be healed in no time. If you continue to feel pain
after no time, please buy another tour ticket.

Cordially yours,

Bryan

New Album From Yoko Ono and Friends, Fred Durst Not Asked to Participate

Around two months from now, peace activist/musician/Queen of Bizarre Happenings Yoko Ono will release a new album entitled Yes, I'm a Witch. Many of the songs on this particular album were created by giving artists (such as The Flaming Lips, DJ Spooky, Peaches, Cat Power, and The Bomb Squad's Hank Shocklee) access to vocal and audio tracks from any song of their choosing, plucked right out of Ono's extensive collection of recorded works. The artists would then experiment and see what would result.

Though most artists agree that the existence of this album will be primarily positive for the music world, others are not so pleased. Enter Limp Bizkit's Fred Durst, who is visibly upset by his exclusion from the album.

"At first, I thought I just needed to get on Ms. Ono's good side." Durst said. "Not only did I send her a custom-made pair of Jncos, I also sent her one of her own head shots, autographed by me. Oh, and also, a tray of 'Cherries 'n' Cheesecake' Fig Newtons and a Best Buy gift card worth $20. And still, no response. She's really playing hardball." Ono has declined to comment. Durst has yet to make mention of the controversy on his Xanga, but an update regarding the album from a distraught Durst would come as no surprise to fans.

Yes, I'm a Witch will be released on Astralwerks in February of 2007.