The Melvins to Play Dates in Japan and America; TMT Writer to Cross Out Final Two Items on His Bucket List

David Nadelle has piles. Sitting in for the recuperating pile and answering the latest batch of random questions misguidedly sent to Tiny Mix Tapes is Melvins addict Rufus “Roofie” Gigglestick.


Q: Ordinarily, I’m content to kick back and let Rascal Flatts dictate my mood but lately I have felt the compulsion to jump completely outside my normal music boxes and experiment with something mind-expanding. Where would you recommend I start? --Pimples in Providence, Rhode Island

A: That’s a good question to start with and an easy one to answer. The Melvins will suit your needs and will provide the portal into noise experimentation and outer-space rock worlds that you seem to be craving. Their back catalogue is a sprawling mess of singles and albums which can take you into any number of directionless wormholes of awesomeness. The last bunch of releases are on Ipecac, but you cannot really go wrong with any of 'em. Maybe I'm biased. People say that having a child changes your life immeasurably but discovering The Melvins is like having eight sets of octoplets with the Octomom. You’ve been warned.


Q: Since coming to terms with my chronic jack ‘n’ snacking after an unfortunate incident at a Taco Bueno in February, I am still having troubles controlling and acting upon my sexual urges. Is it wrong to act upon feelings of a sexual nature in public, namely, in school and church? I must know if this is wrong, because I’ve been told that if something feels good, you do it! Also, is it possible to break your penis? --Hotpants in Reseda, California.

A: Um, not sure what this has to do with anything, but I’ll answer it. Yes and no; you can't really break your bone, but you can "crack" it by intense slamming into a less flexible force like the perineum or a totem pole. As far as refraining from playing with your pink oboe in public, my advice would be to look into self-help audio guides, castration, or getting a climate-controlled set of gitch and adjusting it to the “freeze yer nuts” position. The old “set it and forget it” method. Maybe seeing a live band will help quell your weak control issues, for an hour or two anyway. The Melvins have announced a smallish U.S. tour which will take them to a number of lucky cities from May 15-24.


Q: For Melvins fanatics, it is common knowledge that our beloved headcases are touring the U.S. from May 15-24. This is a two-part question: are the rumors true that they are also playing in Japan in July and could it possibly be true that they are booked to play a country club in New York in September? --Izzy Noodles in Ottawa, Canada.

A: In many words, yes The Melvins will play in Japan at the Fuji Rock Festival July 24 and are playing Kutsher’s Hotel and Country Club in Monticello September 12 as part of the ATP-curated night at the 2009 All Tomorrow’s Parties U.S. Festival. Few know that before forming The Melvins, Buzz Osbourne was known by the less-intimidating moniker Shecky Osbourne and he honed his comedic slapstickery gigging up and down the borscht belt Catskills, spraying vacationers with seltzer bottles of hilarity and sometimes goat piss (which did not go down well as the hilarity). His signature gag consisted of pulling out a three-eyed sock monkey from his striped pantaloons and bellowing, Gleason-style, “THAT’S WHY THEY CALL IT SLOPPY JOES! HNYUK, HNYUK, HNYUK…!” Now you know.


Q: What is the easiest way to fit more jack ‘n’ snacking into my daily routine? --Hornytoad in Albuquerque, New Mexico.

A: Oh, c’mon! I should have known I’d get this from TMT readers! Fuck this jack ‘n’ snack shit! Nadelle, if you’re reading this, don’t ever ask me for a favor again. Also, give me back the daiquiri maker you borrowed in 2006, you spineless poseur. I hope those piles are radioactive. Ugh, here are the upcoming Melvins dates. Everyone’s a winner

05.15.09 - New York, NY - Webster Hall
05.16.09 - Boston, MA - Paradise
05.18.09 - Chicago, IL - Double Door
05.20.09 - Austin, TX - Emo’s
05.22.09 - Seattle, WA - Showbox
05.23.09 - Seattle, WA - Showbox
05.24.09 - Portland, OR - Roseland
07.24.09 - Tokyo, Japan - Fuji Rock Festival
09.12.09 - Monticello, NY - Kutsher’s Country Club (ATP)