The Melvins to Play Dates in Japan and America; TMT Writer to Cross Out Final Two Items on His Bucket List

David Nadelle has piles. Sitting in for the recuperating pile and answering the latest batch of random questions misguidedly sent to Tiny Mix Tapes is Melvins addict Rufus “Roofie” Gigglestick.

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Q: Ordinarily, I’m content to kick back and let Rascal Flatts dictate my mood but lately I have felt the compulsion to jump completely outside my normal music boxes and experiment with something mind-expanding. Where would you recommend I start? --Pimples in Providence, Rhode Island

A: That’s a good question to start with and an easy one to answer. The Melvins will suit your needs and will provide the portal into noise experimentation and outer-space rock worlds that you seem to be craving. Their back catalogue is a sprawling mess of singles and albums which can take you into any number of directionless wormholes of awesomeness. The last bunch of releases are on Ipecac, but you cannot really go wrong with any of 'em. Maybe I'm biased. People say that having a child changes your life immeasurably but discovering The Melvins is like having eight sets of octoplets with the Octomom. You’ve been warned.

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Q: Since coming to terms with my chronic jack ‘n’ snacking after an unfortunate incident at a Taco Bueno in February, I am still having troubles controlling and acting upon my sexual urges. Is it wrong to act upon feelings of a sexual nature in public, namely, in school and church? I must know if this is wrong, because I’ve been told that if something feels good, you do it! Also, is it possible to break your penis? --Hotpants in Reseda, California.

A: Um, not sure what this has to do with anything, but I’ll answer it. Yes and no; you can't really break your bone, but you can "crack" it by intense slamming into a less flexible force like the perineum or a totem pole. As far as refraining from playing with your pink oboe in public, my advice would be to look into self-help audio guides, castration, or getting a climate-controlled set of gitch and adjusting it to the “freeze yer nuts” position. The old “set it and forget it” method. Maybe seeing a live band will help quell your weak control issues, for an hour or two anyway. The Melvins have announced a smallish U.S. tour which will take them to a number of lucky cities from May 15-24.

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Q: For Melvins fanatics, it is common knowledge that our beloved headcases are touring the U.S. from May 15-24. This is a two-part question: are the rumors true that they are also playing in Japan in July and could it possibly be true that they are booked to play a country club in New York in September? --Izzy Noodles in Ottawa, Canada.

A: In many words, yes The Melvins will play in Japan at the Fuji Rock Festival July 24 and are playing Kutsher’s Hotel and Country Club in Monticello September 12 as part of the ATP-curated night at the 2009 All Tomorrow’s Parties U.S. Festival. Few know that before forming The Melvins, Buzz Osbourne was known by the less-intimidating moniker Shecky Osbourne and he honed his comedic slapstickery gigging up and down the borscht belt Catskills, spraying vacationers with seltzer bottles of hilarity and sometimes goat piss (which did not go down well as the hilarity). His signature gag consisted of pulling out a three-eyed sock monkey from his striped pantaloons and bellowing, Gleason-style, “THAT’S WHY THEY CALL IT SLOPPY JOES! HNYUK, HNYUK, HNYUK…!” Now you know.

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Q: What is the easiest way to fit more jack ‘n’ snacking into my daily routine? --Hornytoad in Albuquerque, New Mexico.

A: Oh, c’mon! I should have known I’d get this from TMT readers! Fuck this jack ‘n’ snack shit! Nadelle, if you’re reading this, don’t ever ask me for a favor again. Also, give me back the daiquiri maker you borrowed in 2006, you spineless poseur. I hope those piles are radioactive. Ugh, here are the upcoming Melvins dates. Everyone’s a winner

05.15.09 - New York, NY - Webster Hall
05.16.09 - Boston, MA - Paradise
05.18.09 - Chicago, IL - Double Door
05.20.09 - Austin, TX - Emo’s
05.22.09 - Seattle, WA - Showbox
05.23.09 - Seattle, WA - Showbox
05.24.09 - Portland, OR - Roseland
07.24.09 - Tokyo, Japan - Fuji Rock Festival
09.12.09 - Monticello, NY - Kutsher’s Country Club (ATP)

Phoenix Tour North America This Summer, Don’t Go to Phoenix

One fateful day, three separate people e-mailed me Phoenix's single "1901" from the forthcoming Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix, set for release May 26. It was a lot like my mom getting bombarded with that Susan Boyle video, except the only difference here is, unlike my mumsy and Susie, I don't know the status of their eyebrows.

After a few shows on this continent, Phoenix will head over to Europe and Asia and tour right through August.

The dates:
06.12.09 - Manchester, TN - Bonnaroo Festival
06.13.09 - Chicago, IL - Park West
06.15.09 - Toronto, ON - Phoenix Concert Theatre
06.16.09 - Montreal, QC - Les Saints
06.17.09 - Boston, MA - Paradise Rock Club
06.18.09 - Brooklyn, NY - Music Hall of Williamsburg *
06.19.09 - New York, NY - Terminal 5
06.21.09 - Washington, DC - Rock and Roll Hotel
06.23.09 - Minneapolis, MN - Varsity Theater
06.25.09 - Denver, CO - Bluebird Theater
06.27.09 - San Francisco, CA - Regency Center - Grand Ballroom
06.28.09 - Los Angeles, CA - Wiltern Theater

* Lightspeed Champion

Fleet Foxes to Keep Playing the Same Songs For a Little While Longer; Announce 2009 North American Tour Dates and Release “Mykonos” 7-inch Today

Oh my god, out of my f-ing way, everyone! I’ve gotta get to the physical record store because it’s New Release Tuesday and the Fleet Foxes “Mykonos” 7-inch is OUT TODAY on Sub Pop!

Hurry, hurry, I don’t want to be the last sarcastic, bearded, employed-but-not-corporate, white, 20-something guy to grab this hot new gatefold sleeved-single and drop a needle on that shit and be all like whoooaaaaaaah-ho-ho-hoooaaaah!... Uh, what? Hey... wait a minute. I already HAVE this song. It’s literally a year old from that damn Sun Giant EP! Actually, come to think of it, I own the dang thing TWICE, because it was ALSO included on the vinyl version of last summer’s self-titled full-length (TMT Review) (which, yes, as a sarcastic, bearded, employed-but-not corporate, white, 20-something guy, I own and still put on fairly regularly to compliment my turgid “White Wine and Wallace” nights that I -- yes, I -- invented). Damn those laurel-resting bastards!

Well, it’s okay. I have to calm down here... after all, it’s probably at least backed with a new song, right?? Hmmm, let me just check Sub Pop’s releases real quick in my favorites... Oh, son of a bitch! The B-side is just a cover of the traditional folk ballad

“False Knight on the Road” (made popular by Steeleye Span and Richard Thompson) that I already downloaded from the internet a while ago because it’s not even previously-unreleased! Dude. I’m so disillusioned here. Now what am I supposed to do?

Oh, well it looks like they're touring North America some more this summer at least. I guess I could go see them in my home town for the fifth time in the past 12 months! Maybe they’ll play a lot of new songs on this round, if they’ve had time to write any.

Tourdates:
05.25.09 - George, WA - Sasquatch Festival
06.23.09 - Arendal, Norway - Hove Festival
06.26.09 - Glastonbury, United Kingdom - Glastonbury
06.27.09 - London, United Kingdom - Hyde Park Calling $
07.04.09 - Arvika, Sweden - Arvikafestivalen
07.29.09 - Washington DC - 9:30 Club
07.30.09 - Philadelphia, PA - Electric Factory
07.31.09 - Jersey City, NJ - All Points West Fest
08.01.09 - Newport, RI - Newport Folk Festival
08.03.09 - Montreal, QC - Metropolis Theatre #
08.04.09 - Toronto, ON - Massey Hall #
08.05.09 - Royal Oak, MI - Royal Oak Theatre #
08.07.09 - Chicago, IL - Lollapalooza
08.09.09 - Minneapolis, MN - First Avenue #
09.12.09 - North Dorset, United Kingdom - End of the Road

$ Neil Young

# with Dungen

Taiwan: Three Illegal Downloads and Yer Out, Bitch!

Listen up you pretentious, liberal, plant-eating, TMT-reading Karl Marx fanboys. We’re getting fucking tired of your P2P downloading antics and your oh-so-principled stand for illegal filesharing. This is why it’s great to hear the Taiwanese have decided to take some action against your immoral brethren from across the Pacific Ocean.

An amendment passed in Taiwan’s legislature “allows rights holders to either claim their rights via judiciary proceedings, or else follow a ‘notice and takedown’ procedure to have copyright infringing content removed.” The law introduces a “three strikes” initiative that gives ISPs the power to constrain the internet access of left-wing thieves who download copyrighted content more than twice. The brave, China-bashing Taiwanese hope to reduce the number of court cases relating to illegal filesharing by allowing ISPs to warn users of their conduct, hoping that these benefit-scroungers will correct their own behavior.

Unsurprisingly, the liberal media in Taiwan started crying that the law would end up punishing people who had unwittingly downloaded copyrighted material. As Margaret Chen, deputy director general of Taiwan's Intellectual Property Office says, "These people are doing something they shouldn't be doing in the first place. Besides, there are lots of ways to restrict Internet access besides cutting it off entirely." Damn right!

Common Sense - 1

Pretentious, liberal, plant-eating, TMT-reading Karl Marx-fanboys - 0

RIP: Jon Blank, Bassist of Rezin

Official statement by Jon's sister Andrea from Rezin's MySpace:

Dear friends - There is no easy way to write this email, and while I would rather call you all personally, I just can't find my voice right now without crying. Jon passed away Saturday night from a drug overdose. That is what we believe/know at this time. He just got back in the States from an amazing European music tour on Friday. He was doing so well and, well, I guess he thought he was invincible and wanted to celebrate his return. I can't even begin to imagine how he really felt though.

The funeral is this Tuesday, May 5, at 2pm at King David Memorial Gardens and Funeral Home, 7482 Lee Hwy., Falls Church, VA 22042. More details will be in Monday & Tuesday's Wash Post.

Thank you all so much for your overflow of calls and love and support. Know that I truly appreciate it and I am so thankful to have so many friends who knew Jon and love us. Love, Andrea (Jon's Loving Sister)

- Rezin MySpace page

Del the Funky Homosapien Tours, Releases New Album as a FREE, LEGAL Download Until May 22; After That, You’ll Just Have to Pirate It Like You Were Already Planning to Do

When are we supposed to get our stimulus checks? Was that already supposed to happen? Did I miss it? Was there a form at the post office I was supposed to fill out so I can get in on some of that sweet government stimulatin’? Because I have lots of super practical plans for zapping the paddles on this economy’s chest with that cash. Do you think it will help jumpstart the market if I spend my entire stimulus check on Chicken McNuggets and meth? How many pandas can I attempt to buy until I get put into an FBI databank? Will the government finance my conversion to Scientology? I have so many questions!

Thankfully, future-rapper/Hieroglyphic/Ice Cube’s cousin Del The Funky Homosapien has this stimulus shit all figured out for me. In an effort to “resurrect the funk back in music and our lives,” Del is offering his new album Funk Man (The Stimulus Package) as a free download on his website, available riiiiiight... over... here! For more info about Del’s generosity, kindly refer to this proselytizing YouTube and witness the rare incidence of a major artist not mentioning Radiohead while they’re talking about giving away their music for free. But be sure to pick up your stimulus soon, folks. This deal ends May 22, coinciding nicely with the end of Del’s U.S. tour.

What Is a booty? Find out the shocking truth here:
05.05.09 – Ann Arbor, MI – Blind Pig
05.06.09 – Columbus, OH – Skully’s
05.07.09 – Lexington, KY – Dame
05.08.09 – Chicago, IL – Reggie’s
05.09.09 – Madison, WI – High Noon
05.11.09 – Columbia, MO – The Blue Note
05.12.09 – Omaha, NE – Slowdown
05.14.09 – Boulder, CO – Fox Theatre
05.14.09 – Denver, CO – Bluebird
05.16.09 – Colorado Springs, CO – Black Sheep
05.18.09 – Salt Lake City, UT – Urban Lounge
05.22.09 – Geneva, MN – Harmon Park (Bella Madre Music Festival)

  

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