I was in the supermarket yesterday, picking up some toilet paper. My local Sainsbury's, despite being a pretty small thing attached to a petrol station, seems to have a terrifying variety of the stuff. Like, a whole aisle. How much bog roll could one man need? I went for the own-brand stuff with the keen eye of a shrewd, informed customer -- cheap, probably as good as the quilted, scented crap, and six for the price of four. But they weren't letting me get away that easily -- oh, no. There were two varieties! Natural Forest or Pure White. I stood there for quite a while. I knew that it was utterly unimportant, but there was literally nothing to encourage me to choose one above the other.

Nothing whatsoever. I had no way of deciding.

So I phoned founding Mice Parade member Adam Pierce.

Me: Hey, man, what's up. Listen... I've got a bit of a problem. I'm just out picking up toilet paper, and I really can't decide which one to get.

Adam: Just pick up the own-brand stuff, dude. It's probably about as good as the quilted, scented crap.

Me: Yeah, but here's the thing -- there are two varieties! There's Natural Forest or Pure White. How the fuck am I meant to choose something like that? I mean, choosing one of them won't exactly affect my life in any way. Which do you think defines me as a person?

Adam: You do realize that this is a pretty sad indictment of our Western commodity-based society, and your place in it.

Me: Tell me about it.

Adam: What colors... the Natural Forest stuff?

Me: It's...kinda a peachy orange, I guess.

Adam: Not very foresty.

Me: Shit, man, I'm just buying the stuff.

Adam: I'm just saying.

Me: Alright. Well.

Adam: Hey, you know I'm releasing a new album in May? It's gonna be self-titled, and it continues my gorgeous pop odyssey that spans seven albums. I've lined up some great collaborators for this one, like Laetitia Sadier (Stereolab) on "Tales of Las Negras." Kristin Anna Valtysdottir (Müm, also a touring member of the Mice Parade live band from 2003-2006) lends her incredible grace to "Double Dolphins on the Nickel," complete with Icelandic verse. Other members of the live lineup appear on tracks like "Sneaky Red" and "Satchelaise," notably Doug Scharin (Rex, June of 44), Dylan Cristy (Dylan Group), Jay Israelson (Lansing-Dreiden), and Dan Lippel.

Me: Dude, are you just reading from the press release there?

Adam: Uh, no?

Me: Fuckin?? Help a dude out over here!

Adam: Alright, fine. What color's your bathroom?

Me: Yellow.

Adam: I'd get the forest stuff. That'd probably go pretty well. Probably get less bleach in it, too, if you care about that stuff.

Me: Hey, you're right! Cheers, dude.

Adam: Listen, how did you get this number, anyway?

Which is when I hung up. So anyway, I followed his advice and bought the Natural Forest toilet paper. And you know what the weird thing is? When I got back home and opened the first roll, on the first sheet was written:

"I knew you'd make the right choice." Ad x

That Adam Pierce is one weird motherfucker.

Radiohead’s Jonny Greenwood Converts to Rastafarian Just in Time to Compile Trojan Records Collection

This be Jonny, the Radio-dre-head on the mobile sound system. Other soundbwoys are soft. Tro Jan! Even tho oim a foreigner, they give me dan dada status to compile sides for a collection. Oi spent a whole heap of time in the Trojan vaults pickin' the one drops for this record. I'm the notch. Nuh nuttin. Ya no see it? Oi may look uptown winjy with rank bullets in my mouth and me skinny tees but in me heart oim dread to the core. Oim no wolf, oim lion. This be rockers straight from Babylon from the head man. Don't be all hard ears with me. Oim the creation stepper here. Listen to me. This Trojan collection is fit. Everything is cook and curry. Oi don't need the funds...I sell millions with Radiohead. I see the wanti wanti can't get it, and the getti getti don't want it all the time. I help the wanti wanti to hear it. You know? Oim true to the reggae. Mash it up with crissars March 6 with Jonny Greenwood Is the Controller to the fullness on Trojan/Sanctuary. Light the lambsbread and listen to my sweet nanny goat compilation that has running belly of tracks. See you inna stadium lights. Jonny is the controller, sight?

1. Linval Thompson - "Dread Are the Controller"
2. Derrick Harriott - "Let Me Down Easy"
3. Marcia Aitken - "I'm Still in Love"
4. Gregory Isaacs - "Never Be Ungrateful"
5. Lee "Scratch" Perry - "Bionic Rats"
6. The Heptones - "Cool Rasta"
7. Scientist & Jammy & The Roots Radics - "Flash Gordon Meets Luke Skywalker"
8. Lee "Scratch" Perry & The Upsetters - "Black Panta"
9. Junior Byles - "Fever"
10. Desmond Dekker & The Aces - "Beautiful and Dangerous"
11. Lloyd's All Stars - "Dread Dub (It Dread Out Deh version)"
12. Marcia Griffiths - "Gypsy Man"
13. Johnny Clarke & The Aggrovators - "A Ruffer Version"
14. The Jahlights - "Right Road to Dubland (Right Road to Zion Dub)"
15. Junior Byles & Lee Perry - "Dreader Locks"
16. Delroy Wilson - "This Life Makes Me Wonder"
17. Scotty - "Clean Race"

Raccoo-oo-oon Nee-ee-eew Albb-bb-bbum Ann-nn-nnd Europp-pp-ppean Too-oo-oour

Good news, everyone: I, Papaya, just inherited $5,100,000 from a relative I didn't even know I had. I know it's not a joke, because I just got an e-mail saying it was true, and completely safe. How else would these people have gotten my e-mail address unless it was 100% genuine? What luck! Apparently, all I need to do is send in a social security card, photo ID, and credit card information to some dude in Morocco, and the money will be directly deposited in my checking account. This is going to be soo-oo-oo coo-oo-ool!!!!!!!!!!

What will I do with all of this money? Probably pay some student loans, invest, save for a down payment on a house, donate to disaster relief programs and maybe open up an orphanage... but I might also, as a little extravagance in celebration of my good fortune and as a way of giving back to the community, buy every TMT reader a copy of the new Raccoo-oo-oon album, titled Behold Secret Kingdom, due out on Release the Bats later this spring. This is the band's first official album, and word has it that it will be their best yet. It had better be, because I'm not about to drop all this money buying you guys an album that isn't completely ridonkulous. Actually, I just did some calculations, and it looks like it might take me the entire $5.1 million to do the CD thing... all right, fuck it, the student loans and all that can wait, I guess. CDs it is!

There are also some tourdates, as the band will be going on what will, from the looks of it, be a pretty intense, no-stops tour of Europe in March, and a U.S. tour with no-as-of-yet confirmed dates in May:

Elliott Smith Double Album to Be Released This May, Sad Bastards Still Aren’t Happy

I'm a sad bastard sometimes. I became reacquainted with whiskey after not drinking it for almost a year. Why? Simply, because there are so many other options out there. I started with cheap whiskey mixed with coke, and then I went to drinking straight black gold. Elliott Smith was right when he sung, "Whiskey works better than beer," on his most revealing track "King's Crossing" from his posthumously released album From a Basement on the Hill. I drank in solace, and the sad bastard in me came running out. I cried; I wrote some drunken lyrics in my notebook; I was touched.

On May 8, 2007, Kill Rock Stars will release a double album compiled of 24 songs recorded between 1995-1997. Titled New Moon, the songs include demos and B-sides recorded during Smith's self-titled album and Either/Or. Fans may have heard the songs from the popular site Elliott Smith B-Sides, but good luck trying to download the New Moon tracks, for they have already been "removed by request." Though, you should perhaps have more incentive to purchase the double disc because a significant portion of proceeds from the album sales will go directly to Outside In, a Portland-based social service organization that is dedicated in providing diverse services for low-income families and homeless youth.

Let's go drink some whiskey and spin Roman Candle on the record player.

New Moon tracklisting:

Hey is that the Culture Shock music festival with Xiu Xiu, Sunset Rubdown, and Make Believe headlining in your pants or are you just happy to see me?? “Nope, it’s my male part.”

Since the Indianapolis Colts won the Super Bowl, Indiana has been walking around the U.S. like it is "King Shit of Fuck Mountain." We get it Indiana. Get over yourself! Pretentious as Indiana may currently be, there is hope for redemption, and nothing is less pretentious then an indie-rock music fest. So put down your night vision goggles, and put on you hardcore dancing shoes you silly hillbilly. Get ready for Culture Shock 2007!

You may not have known or even have guessed that a music festival has been held in the depths of Indiana. And by depths, I mean Indiana University in Bloomington, IN. WIUX-LP 100.3 FM Pure Student Radio will be hosting their annual Culture Shock music festival on April 14, 2007. With all the bad news (Anna Nicole Smith's death, bad weather, funny Boston bomb scare), it is time for some good new to grace us all, which is that the festival will be free to the public and all-ages are invited. This year's festival is estimated to be the largest in the station's history.

The initial lineup so far includes a mix of local and national acts like Xiu Xiu, Sunset Rubdown, Catfish Haven, Richard Swift, Make Believe, Arrah & the Ferns, David Vandervelde, Husband & Wife, and The Coke Dares. More bands will be announced later along with the location. The festival will be held between 11:30 am and end at 11:30 pm. For more information, you can go to www.wiux.org -- an update will be posted soon. Past performers include Spoon, Harry and the Potters, The Impossible Shapes, Enon, Mock Orange, Half-Handed Cloud, Blueprint, Rapider Than Horsepower and Jackie-O Motherfucker.

I will try to cover this festival when it comes, and I will try to not to make fun of Indiana as much anymore. They don't know why they wear night-vision goggles. Hell, I love Indiana. I like my states red like my meat, and I cannot assume every Hooiser is a toothless meth addict with a rebel flag tattooed on his/her ass. So maybe Indiana is moving on up like those dang Jeffersons did. Times are changing, and along with Bonnaroo, -- cough -- Pitchfork Festival -- cough -- and even Lollapalooza, it looks like people are giving the Midwest some credit for once. Where is the Tiny Mix Tape festival you may be asking? Well, maybe if you close your eyes, squeeze a penny in your fist, and bone harder than you have ever boned before, then, well... maybe! Or you could just start sending us bucket loads of money. Boner!