MobyRama! If You Called Him Dick, You’d Be Right

Has there ever been a celebration of the great failure that is Moby, such as the TMT first and last annual MobyRama? Probably not, but as innovators with a slow news day, we're willing to take a chance on a more in-depth-than-usual look at the 46-year-old, nasally hipster who is rarely more than the butt of our jokes -- like this one:

Q: How many Mobys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Trick question. Moby and his whole discography sucks.

Alright, alright, so we've heard that one before, but I bet you weren't aware of the following fun facts about Moby:

- Herman Melville was his great-great-great-great uncle, thus his nickname from birth as Moby.

- Moby plans to grace God with his presence, having agreed to pay $207,000 to become the first pop star to travel into space on the VSS Enterprise spaceship in 2010.

- At the time of its release, Moby held the record for fastest song ever -- "Thousand" reached 1015 BMP and appeared on Rare: The Collected B-Sides 1989-1993.

Unfortunately, presenting these facts to my associates seems to have had little to no effect on their impression of Moby, as a few rounds of free-word association still garnered a list with the recurring adjectives of bald headed man-child, vegan, techno, lame, and Gwen Stephani...

Dear readers, give him a chance. Moby is more than all this, and in an effort to illuminate it, I've turned to numerology. With the knowledge that Moby was born on September 11, 1965, I took the liberty of converting those digits into a sum that corresponds to the Life Path number of 5. This is, of course, a number associated with a highly progressive mindset and with those who look to improve upon the world around them. They are adventurous, compassionate, and freedom-loving individuals, and if there's one thing Moby's music has proven to embody release after release, it's freedom. I'm not making this shit up.

If I was truly interested, I would research the significance of 15 -- the number of tracks to appear on his sixth album Last Night, to be released March 10, 2008. Reported to be fraught with danceable tunes, Last Night will feature guest appearances by Sugar Hill Gang's MC Grandmaster Caz, Sylvia from Kodu, MC Aynlzi, and the 419 Crew. As stated by Moby in a somewhat elementary manner on his exhaustively updated personal blog, "My favorite guest is the rapper on 'I love to move in here.' His name is Grandmaster Caz, and he was one of the writers of 'Rappers Delight.' He's been rapping since 1975, and I'm really happy to have him on the record."

Had me, lost me, cue-ball!