We live in cutting edge times. With our flying cars, space vacations, and “downloadable” music, we need to adapt to a completely different set of societal rules and regs than even our parents did. More importantly for this asinine news story, we need to adhere to new practices concerning anniversary gift ideas for companies who have hit certain key numbers of purchased digital downloads.
It used to be so easy. For example, if eMusic, “the world’s leading digital retailer of independent music, second only to iTunes in number of downloads sold” (thank you Billboard), were to turn 15 years old, we would get them something made of crystal if we were traditionalists or a watch if we were modern dandies. Old school gifters don't have designated gift suggestions for “the big 44,” but if eMusic were to reach that magical milestone, it would surely receive some groceries from neoteric celebrants. Groceries? Hmm. Well, nothing says "Happy 44th" like half-eaten Lunchables and some cream soda, that’s for damned sure!
Everyone knows it is impolite, bordering on a hangable offense, to ask a multi-conglomerate corporation how old they are... but we do know that eMusic has surpassed 150 million downloads sold, which means they are due for a present!
The chart below will tell you exactly what gift is apropos for such momentous downloading occasions:
1 hundredth download: troll doll
45 thousandth download: placemat from greasy spoon (preferably with children's puzzle-maze one-third completed and droplets of chocolate milkshake on corner)
112 thousandth download: horse-head bookends
599 thousandth download: the anniversary of fuzzy felt
900 thousandth download: 15 minutes + padded cell + Karen Ann (sorry, I have no idea how my “3 wishes for a genie” list ended up here)
1 millionth download: boobies or weewee immortalized by Cynthia Plaster Caster (a great showpiece for the mantle!)
16 millionth download: bandanas and/or medium-density fibreboard
17 millionth download: a formal dinner followed by a best-out-of-101 Euchre game with Chris Tucker, Gilbert Gottfried, and Rosie O’Donnell (listen, I don’t make the rules, I just report them…)
37 millionth download: anything mylar
71 millionth download: the chance to narrate an episode of A&E's City Confidential
111 millionth download: dust
150 millionth download: solid gold bathtub
The fun ends there. With each successive 150 millionth download sold that a company celebrates, you get another tub. Congratulations eMusic! You’re soakin’ in it!