Modest Mouse Head Out Empty-Headed for ‘Long Drive,’ Back Tour Bus into Cop Car, Kill Cop, “Float On” Not So Cool Anymore, Is It?

Laaaaaaaaaaaadies and Gentlemen of all shapes, siiiiiiiiiiizes!

Boys and girls of all aaaaaaages!!

Gather 'round, one and all!

Introducing the uncanny... the hideous... the ghastly... the supernatural... the utterly unfathomable... the...

(Pssssssst! Hey, cue the drum roll and freakily fun-housey, bad acid-trip, circus music, will ya? I'm tryin' to make a sales-pitch here. My kids gotta eat, ya know... sheeez!)

Anyway, were was I?... ahhhem... oh yeah:

... The utterly unfathomable... the absolutely abominable... Isaaaaaaaaaaaaac Brock!!!!

(applause)

Yes, yes, yes! Step right up, ladies and gentlemen!

Step RIGHT this way!

Come one, come all to witness this wanton wonder of the world, this ludicrous loose canon, this pheeeeeeeeenomenal freak-baby fresh out of the wild in our one-of-a-kind, never duplicated, repeatedly redundant "Modest Mouse Summer Tour and Freakshow!"

(oooooooooooooh)

That's right! Do NOT miss you chance to see famed frontman Isaac Brock angrily caged on a stage near you!

(ahhhhhhhhhhhhh)

He'll roar! he'll snarl! He'll MOST LIKELY self-mutilate! And He's COMING TO A STAGE NEAR YOU THIS SUMMER.

Witness as he drunkenly spews existentialisms at you in a lisp so disagreeable you'll with you were in church!

Cower in terror as he bates you and your fellow ticket-holders into letting him borrow a knife for a few moments!

Puke in disgust as he cuts the FUCK out of his chest for no apparent reason whatsoever!

Ladies and gentlemen of the world, DO NOT MISS your chance to see this knife-jabbing wonder of the world degenerate in front of thousands and inflict baffling and bloody wounds upon himself... and possibly others!

Note: As producer of the 2007 Modest Mouse Summer Tour and Freakshow, TMT Big-Top Productions is NOT responsible for and will be legally held harmless concerning the following:

- show cancellations due to drug-induced stupors
- show cancellations due to the untimely death of Issac Brock
- fans getting "contact highs" off of Isaac Brock's druggy sweat
- fans getting stabbed, accidentally or intentionally, by Issac Brock
- fans somehow contracting HIV

Welcome to the Big Show:

*** Not Confirmed

YR SHOPTEXT ACCOUNT IS PROVIDED “AS-IS!”; Knitting Factory Jumps on Boat, ShopText Still Scared of Terrorists

On May 30 Knitting Factory Entertainment joined the likes of CosmoGirl! Magazine n Tim McGraw and Taylor Swift (who?) in introducing a SMS txt messaging ticketing system that will enable customers 2 purchase tickets 4 shows using their mobile handsets. Provided by ShopText, a mobile commerce n promotions company, u can b assured that when u sign up 4 an account, ShopText spams the hell out of yr cell phone n u pay for all of it.

ShopText's claim to fame? "Our software platform transforms any advertisement in2 a point of sale opportunity."

Still skeptical? Here r just a few reasons to run out n get a ShopText account RITE NOW, courtesy of ShopText's own Terms and Conditions*:
01. By signing for a ShopText account, u must be 18 years of age n able 2 enter "legally binding contracts."
02. U may not sign up 4 ShopText if u a suspected terrorist or suspected of trading or transporting illegal drugs

03. "ShopText cannot guarantee the security of n e data transmitted ovr n e wireless network, n thus, all information transmission is done at yr own risk." This doesn't stop at the security of yr information -- the TOS go on 2 say that ShopText is not liable 4 n e errors due 2 inaccurate or incomplete information! So don't get upset when u get Say Hi 2 Yr Mom tickets instead of Ozma tickets

04. "Yr ShopText Account may also be suspended or unavailable because of disruption in telecommunication services, power outages, natural disasters, terrorism or similar occurrences which result in a disruption in services."
05. "ShopText makes no warranty that your use of ShopText will be error-free, uninterrupted, timely or that you will be satisfied with the products or services your purchase using your ShopText Account."
06. O, n u MUST, MUST, MUST provide a credit card # N credit card security code located on the back of yr card 2 register 4 a ShopText account.

*All Terms n Conditions r subject 2 change w/o notification, n by agreeing 2 these terms u agree 2 all subsequent terms n term modifications. lol ttyl

UNKLE Make Sure They Have Some Dang Good War Stories, Enlist a Massive Attack By Queens of The Stone Age

Tracks from the exceptional 1998 UNKLE effort Psyence Fiction still rear their apocalyptic heads on everything from game trailers (check out "Lonely Soul" being used to hawk 2007's Assassin's Creed) to, uh, most mix CDs of mine ("Nursery Rhyme (Breather)" is a repeat offender). DJ Shadow has since jumped ship, but producers-cum-vocalists James Lavelle and Richard File have just thrown down the title of a new UNKLE undertaking: War Stories.

Unfortunately, DJ Shadow seemed to attract a much more stellar guest roster, or maybe it was just a little cooler to be anti-establishment in '98, but this album's lineup has me hurtin'. Radiohead's Thom Yorke traded in for Queens of the Stone Age's Josh Homme? Mike D vs. 3D (Massive Attack)? Gack.

Due July 24, War Stories was recorded by way of live studio tracking, rather than the customary turntables-and-a-microphone deal of the past, and we finally hear from James Lavelle in a vocal sense on the track "Hold My Hand." Session musicians include Twiggy Ramirez (Jeordie White, whom I passed in the mall once), Nada Surf's Matthew Caws (who will not play "Popular" live; I speak from experience), and the Eagles of Death Metal's David Catching, who performs multiple guitar duties on a handful of tracks.

CHARGE! (TRACKLIST!)

Disclaimer: I graduated from college this week and am therefore beginning to feel "old." This may or may not have resulted in a temporary hatred for anything not distinctly smacking of the 1990s and consequently dating me even further.

CBS Acquires Last.FM; CBS Gains Insight Into Your iTunes Playlist and Marketing Nirvana

Before we begin this story, I want you to know something. I used to be a Last.fm addict. It's a really slick social music networking website and has a bunch of great features. Millions of people use it and love it, and its intentions have always seemed to be pure -- simply helping people find and discover new music. It was all good.

See, the purpose of Last.fm is to track your listening habits and compare them with other users to provide recommendations. It does this by using a program called AudioScrobbler, which attaches itself to iTunes and tracks the songs you listen to. Completely harmless. So, what does gentle-giant CBS have to do with Last.fm?

Well, like the headline says, CBS has bought Last.fm for 250 million washingtons. The acquisition was confirmed May 30, 2007 on Last.Fm's blog. The homeboy responsible for posting the news seems ridiculously optimistic and promises Last.fm will keep doing the right things. Of course, one would only assume that this is the case. The acquisition is certainly a step in the right direction for CBS because of advertising and marketing potential, but let's not focus on how Last.fm has "sold out" and is sleeping with "the man." Okay?

Heckle Bradford Cox – I Dare You; Deerhunter Spend Summer Touring

Deerhunter's Bradford Cox wears a dress on stage. If you use the Internets and enjoy independent music, you've seen the pictures. And yes, his bandmate has been photographed giving Cox a "bro-job" on stage. Scandalous maybe for the Voxtrot set, but certainly not for the G.G. Allin set (no feces has been reported as of yet). In terms of shock factor, I'd rank him somewhere above Don Imus but below Iggy Pop in his prime. What's more, the man is also 6'4" and abnormally lanky, a symptom of Marfan syndrome from which he suffers (see also: Joey Ramone). Cox's skeletal frame barely holds up his floral print getup, as his crackling howl pierces the distorted static noise riled up by Cox's bandmates. But don't let the debutante demeanor fool you. This man is stone cold.

When I saw Deerhunter, the show took place on the hill of a quaint northeastern college campus, while girls tanned and shirtless bros drank cheap beer and high-fived a lot. A man on stage in a green dress does not mix well with Natty Light. When technical difficulties plagued the group's drummer, Cox strutted his stuff and attempted to strike up conversation with the crowd to shouts of "Faggot!" But like a seasoned veteran of drunken hecklers, nary missing a beat, Cox responded with a scathing verbal assault, along the lines of "You want to see how much of a faggot I am? You think I'm a faggot? Well you're right. And I'll show you how much of one I really am. Come on stage and I'll fuck you so hard that my cum will be your snot for a week." As this particular mongrel walked away with his tail between his legs, another man thought it might be a good idea to take questions for the crowd, as one audience member inanely asked "Did you come from Auschwitz?" as a meatheaded, inappropriate crack on Cox's physical appearance. To which the man with the mic replied with a query: "Would any Jews in the audience like to take this man on stage and disembowel him as we all watch? Because I want to see what's inside this person. I can assure you it's not pretty." PWN3D.

Check yourself before you wreck yourself 'cause shit-talking Deerhunter is bad for your health:

Jim Carrey to Star as Peanut Butter Wolf in the New Film “The Number 7”

It’s all seven. Can’t you see? It’s so obvious:

Peanut Butter Wolf = 16 letters; 1 + 6 = 7

Seven Different Music Genres = 25 letters 2 + 5 = 7

Huge Boners For All = 16 letters; 1 + 6 = 7

It’s almost as if Peanut Butter Wolf is trying to uncover an evil numerological curse. Last year, on 06.06.06, he spun a live set consisting of death metal, industrial, and other music that might reasonably be expected to bring about the rapture and released it for free on his podcast. Titled The 666 Mix, it consists of six “books”; it is 66 minutes long; and if you play the MP3 backwards, you can just make out the sound of Béla Lugosi saying “Hip-hop is undead.”

Now PB Wolf is playing seven live sets of seven different genres on seven different days in seven clubs throughout L.A. He will play only vinyl, not repeating any records. Just to cover all his bases, he is also releasing The 777 Mix online on 07.07.07. He may not trigger the apocalypse this year, but it’s only a matter of years before the DJ/alchemist figures out which number to repeat three times to make someone go crazy or to end the world.

Stones Throw Records, the label that PB Wolf founded in '96, brings PB Wolf himself on a very far-reaching European tour. Some labelmates will follow on these dates, 14 shows in 14 cities.

Oh no, the number 14, twice. Fourteen is two times seven. Oh God, it’s happening. I’m not crazy. You have to believe me. If you circle every seventh word in the previous paragraph, you get...

"PB" "Wolf" "Tour" "Dates":

# Peanut Butter Wolf only

  

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