Modest Mouse or Proud Hawk? New Release Pushed Back, Tour; No Longer Nice on Ice, Alright

For years Isaac Brock and his band o' hooligans have been making the soundtrack of our lives. One particular song, "Float On," has become a popular YouTube sing-a-long homemade video anthem. While hoping to find a video where an aspiring young filmmaker treks the journey of his own feces dubbed to the popular song, I came across even more ambiguous exploits. The ridiculous videos range from a rich kid who had a green screen for a day and made his head appear huge while he sung "Float On" to a brilliant video of high school kids mixing Mentos with diet Coke in order to avoid making out with frivolous girls.

Yep, people are really being creative with your hit single, oh mighty Modest Mouse. So you better be shitting out something beyond amazing this time around. I see that your sardonically ironic new album, We Were Dead Before the Ship Even Sank, has been pushed back from its pre-Christmas release of December 19 to early next year. Mice, is this your doing or Epic being one strict parent? It's hard to say, but it is so disappointing that someone somewhere may have cried. In a brilliant attempt to show you they are in fact still alive, the band have planned a few tourdates with a pre-sale available on their website. This will be the premier of the band's newest member, Johnny Marr, former Smiths guitarist. I'm sure you didn't know that little piece of information. Yep, I just blew your mind harder than a hooker in the back of your uncle's El Camino!

So I really procrastinated writing this "news." I've actually known this news for over a year now. It was just easier for me to put it off and focus on other things like drinking and crocheting with my mom. Well, I'm going to go film said video about one turd's amazing journey from porcelain to Sri Lanka, with the voices of John Goodman, Larry the Cable Guy, and Whoopi Goldberg as "peanut." Thanks for the inspiration Modest Moose and everyone at TMT! I'm a filmmaker now!

Tourdates with Your Mom: (No, not a band called Your Mom, just your mom. I've been really immature today. Sorry, guys!):

11.05.06 - Los Angeles, CA - Avalon
11.06.06 - Los Angeles, CA - Wiltern Theatre
11.07.06 - Anaheim, CA - The Grove
11.09.06 - Anahein, CA - The Grove
11.11.06 - Miami, FL - Bang! Festival
11.13.06 - New York, NY - Nokia Theatre
11.14.06 - New York, NY - Webster Hall
11.15.06 - New York, NY - Webster Hall
11.17.06 - New York, NY - Bowery Ballroom
11.18.06 - New York, NY - Bowery Ballroom
11.21.06 - London, UK - Koko

PLUG Awards Accepting Nominations for Sexiest Music Website of the Year

My wife was the sound person at the Knitting Factory in New York. As a faithful spouse and happy concertgoer, I was happy to help out in whatever capacity I could — driving the bands around, making dinner after rehearsals, helping in arranging trips. There was a constantly changing staff with a certain core group of kids involved. One of them, a tall, slender girl named Plug had been our neighbor for nearly ten years, and she was always the best at booking shows.

Plug had always been one of my favorites, visiting and spending time in our home over the years. She was nearly 6' tall, with long blonde hair, very sensual lips, and a body kept in tone by years of dancing and athletics. Her breasts were small, about 34As, and her legs were long and well-muscled. She sang like an angel with a high, clear soprano voice.

Plug had, over the years, shown a tendency to give me big hugs, always with a comment like "TMT, you're my favorite," or "TMT, you're like a big cuddly bear." I would lean over and give her a kiss on top of her head and smile, never feeling very comfortable with it, but not wanting to hurt her feelings. I started avoiding being in situations where it might happen, and I never was alone with her, as that would violate the rules of the Knitting Factory.

One night at a Knitting Factory pool party, she wore a very skimpy bikini, really just a thong and two small pieces of fabric covering her nipples. I couldn't help but look and found myself paying attention to her. My wife didn't fail to notice either. "TMT, put your eyes back in your head. And what's that you've got going there?" she asked as she gave a little disapproving look at my crotch.

As the party wore down and we were about to leave, Plug came up to me, dripping wet, fresh from the pool. With a big hug, she said "Looks like I got accepted to Harvard. I'm going to miss you, TMT. Write to me, okay?" And she gave me her e-mail address. My wife broke up the hug with a comment that we had to go.

That night there was a strained silence followed by a comment that Plug should really be careful in school, since she took such liberties by 'throwing herself' at men. At bedtime, as we slid under the covers, my wife spooned up the me, then said "I saw you looking at her, you know. You be careful." A silent pause, then "But you did have the start of a nice hard-on there. You would have been very embarrassed if it had been her mother that saw your cock straining at your shorts." And she reached around behind her to cradle my cock in her hand as she drifted off to sleep.

Micah P. Hinson Ate My Hamster, Releases New LP, Tours

Face the facts: Texan Micah P. Hinson is doing everything you said you were going to do, but haven't. In fact, I bet your dreams don't compare to Micah P. Hinson's reality. Sure, he may have had a few problems — bankruptcy, drugs, jail — in the past, but the future is bright, real bright. Hinson is putting out a new album, Micah P. Hinson and the Opera Circuit, on Jade Tree this week. It has many a backing musician on it, including Eric Bachman and members of The Earlies. You had difficulty convincing your neighbor to come over and jam with you, and that's despite the fact he is truly awful at guitar. Hinson's album is getting all kinds of rave reviews, at home and abroad. Your other neighbor yelled through the wall, "Y'all suck. Y'all better quit it, the 'Dawgs are playin' Ole Miss, and I can't hear Keith Jackson." Micah just recorded another live session for the BBC, his second. You just recorded your second voicemail message (at your horrible retail job) informing a customer that their rain check order has been filled.

So, it goes without saying that you could learn a thing or two from Mr. Hinson. Well, you are about to get that chance. He is going on a fall tour to support his latest record. MPH will be playing shows with Oakley Hall, Matt Pond PA, and Figurines, respectively, during this 3-week jaunt, beginning in Tempe, AZ. You will be going to see him play, so I guess you're not a complete failure:

10.24.06 - Tempe, AZ - Modified
10.25.06 - Riverside, CA - UC Riverside
10.26.06 - Los Angeles, CA - Spaceland ^
10.27.06 - Pomona, CA - Pitzer College
10.28.06 - San Francisco, CA - Du Nord
10.30.06 - Portland, OR - Doug Fir #
10.31.06 - Seattle, WA - Tractor Tavern
11.03.06 - New York, NY - North Six (Jade Tree CMJ Showcase)
11.04.06 - Chicago, IL - Schubas
11.07.06 - Toronto, ONT - Lee's Palace %
11.08.06 - Montreal, QBC - Green Room %
11.09.06 - Boston, MA - TT the Bear's %
11.10.06 - New York, NY - Mercury Lounge %
11.15.06 - Philadelphia, PA - Johnny Brenda's
11.16.06 - Arlington, VA - IOTA Club and Café
11.17.06 - Chapel Hill, NC - Local 506
11.18.06 - Atlanta, GA - Lenny's

^ w/ Matt Pond PA
# w/ Figurines
% w/ Oakley Hall

Modest Mouse or Proud Hawk? New Release Pushed Back, Tour; No Longer Nice on Ice, Alright

For years Isaac Brock and his band o' hooligans have been making the soundtrack of our lives. One particular song, "Float On," has become a popular YouTube sing-a-long homemade video anthem. While hoping to find a video where an aspiring young filmmaker treks the journey of his own feces dubbed to the popular song, I came across even more ambiguous exploits. The ridiculous videos range from a rich kid who had a green screen for a day and made his head appear huge while he sung "Float On" to a brilliant video of high school kids mixing Mentos with diet Coke in order to avoid making out with frivolous girls.

Yep, people are really being creative with your hit single, oh mighty Modest Mouse. So you better be shitting out something beyond amazing this time around. I see that your sardonically ironic new album, We Were Dead Before the Ship Even Sank, has been pushed back from its pre-Christmas release of December 19 to early next year. Mice, is this your doing or Epic being one strict parent? It's hard to say, but it is so disappointing that someone somewhere may have cried. In a brilliant attempt to show you they are in fact still alive, the band have planned a few tourdates with a pre-sale available on their website. This will be the premier of the band's newest member, Johnny Marr, former Smiths guitarist. I'm sure you didn't know that little piece of information. Yep, I just blew your mind harder than a hooker in the back of your uncle's El Camino!

So I really procrastinated writing this "news." I've actually known this news for over a year now. It was just easier for me to put it off and focus on other things like drinking and crocheting with my mom. Well, I'm going to go film said video about one turd's amazing journey from porcelain to Sri Lanka, with the voices of John Goodman, Larry the Cable Guy, and Whoopi Goldberg as "peanut." Thanks for the inspiration Modest Moose and everyone at TMT! I'm a filmmaker now!

Tourdates with Your Mom: (No, not a band called Your Mom, just your mom. I've been really immature today. Sorry, guys!):

11.05.06 - Los Angeles, CA - Avalon
11.06.06 - Los Angeles, CA - Wiltern Theatre
11.07.06 - Anaheim, CA - The Grove
11.09.06 - Anahein, CA - The Grove
11.11.06 - Miami, FL - Bang! Festival
11.13.06 - New York, NY - Nokia Theatre
11.14.06 - New York, NY - Webster Hall
11.15.06 - New York, NY - Webster Hall
11.17.06 - New York, NY - Bowery Ballroom
11.18.06 - New York, NY - Bowery Ballroom
11.21.06 - London, UK - Koko

Harold Pinter Presents TMT News, Part 6: Blood Brothers Release New Album, Tour

A kitchen. Carl is cutting carrots. John enters from outside; it's been raining.

Carl: Did you get the carrots?

John: It's raining.

Carl: I can see that. Did you get the carrots?

John: You have carrots.

Carl: But we need more. You didn't get them.

Pause.

Carl: I asked you to get some...

John: Oh, shut up.

John sits down, picking up a copy of his local indie paper from his chair.

John: Blood Brothers are releasing a new album.

Carl: I know.

Pause.

John: It's going to be called Young Machetes.

Carl: I know. I've read that paper.

John: It's being released tomorrow. And they're touring at the end of this month. With Trail of Dead.

Carl: Aren't you listening to me? I've read it.

Pause.

Carl: I slept with Jane last night.

Pause.

John: Oh, they're not playing anywhere near us.

Carl: We went to Marco's, down the road. I had the omelette. We drank coffee. And then we came back. I took her coat off. She was wearing a dress with a low back. The spotted one. Dammit, are you listening to me?

John: I'm trying to read.

Pause.

John: Pass me the scissors.

Carl: (worried) Why?

John: I want to cut something out.

Carl slides the scissors slowly across the table. Not taking his eyes away from Carl, John stands, cuts out a square from the newspaper, and pins it to a noticeboard. The piece of paper reads:

"10.27.06 - Denver, CO - Gothic Theatre
10.28.06 - Lawrence, KS - Granada Theatre
10.29.06 - St. Louis, MO - Washington University
10.31.06 - Chicago, IL - House of Blues
11.01.06 - Minneapolis, MN - The Quest
11.02.06 - Milwaukee, WI - The Eagles Club
11.03.06 - Columbus, OH - Newport Music Hall
11.04.06 - Detroit, MI - Majestic Theatre
11.05.06 - Toronto, Ontario - Phoenix
11.06.06 - Montreal, Quebec - La Tulipe
11.08.06 - Boston, MA - Avalon Ballroom
11.09.06 - Philadelphia, PA - Trocadero
11.10.06 - Philadelphia, PA - Trocadero
11.11.06 - New York, NY - Irving Plaza
11.12.06 - New York, NY - Irving Plaza
11.14.06 - Washington, DC - 9:30 Club
11.15.06 - Charlotte, NC - Tremont Music Hall
11.16.06 - Atlanta, GA - The Masquerade
11.17.06 - Orlando, FL - The Firestone
11.18.06 - St. Petersburg, FL - Jannus Landing
11.20.06 - New Orleans, LA - House of Blues
11.21.06 - Houston, TX - Warehouse Live
11.22.06 - Austin, TX - Emo's
11.23.06 - Austin, TX - Emo's
11.24.06 - Dallas, TX - Granada
11.25.06 - Lubbock, TX - Jake's Backroom
11.27.06 - Tempe, AZ - Marquee Theatre
11.28.06 - Las Vegas, NV - House of Blues
11.29.06 - San Diego, CA - House of Blues
11.30.06 - Los Angeles, CA - Henry Fonda Theater
12.01.06 - Los Angeles, CA - Henry Fonda Theater
12.02.06 - Pomona, CA - Glass House
12.03.06 - Sacramento, CA - Empire
12.05.06 - San Francisco, CA - The Fillmore
12.06.06 - Portland, OR - Crystal Ballroom
12.07.06 - Seattle, WA - Showbox
12.08.06 - Bellingham, WA - Nightlight
12.09.06 - Victoria, British Columbia - Sugar
12.10.06 - Vancouver, British Columbia - Croatian Cultural Centre
12.11.06 - Calgary, Alberta - MacEwan Hall Ballroom
12.12.06 - Edmonton, Alberta - Red's
12.14.06 - Salt Lake City, UT - Avalon Theater"

Pause.

Carl: Who the hell are Blood Brothers anyway?

John: Fucked if I know. I'm just an angry, dissatisfied, working-class British male with poorly concealed malice towards everyone I know.

Carl: Really? Me too.

Pause.

Carl: Do you think this is funny yet?

John: Probably not.

Google Buys YouTube, Makes Deals with Majors; Sex Tape of Mr P Surfaces on YouTube

"You can make money without doing evil." That's what Google (NASDAQ: GOOG) says. And guess what? Maybe Google's right. While Microsoft (NASDAQ: MSFT) is thumbtacking chairs with its evil, evil ways, Google is instead making some real sound decisions, at least in the business sense. Over the past year, Google has partnered with NASA, News Corp (NYSE: NWS), AOL (NYSE: TWX), and Sun Microsystems (NASDAQ: SUNW) — 'member when it bought Blogger in 2003?

It's true, TMT (NYSE: P4K) readers. Google's RICH!!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Google has money. SO WHAT. Well, it was announced yesterday that Google bought YouTube for $1.65 billion in a stock-for-stock transaction. YouTube will keep its brand name, headquarters, and all its employees, while Google will also retain its own shitty-ass video service for whatever reason. In addition to more technological knowledge and advertising skills, YouTube will likely feature more videos of people searching for things on Google. Which is so exciting that I won't even end this sentence with a period          And I'm going to write stuff                over here! And I'm not going to even finish th

The deal was announced shortly after YouTube announced partnerships with Universal Music Group, Sony BMG Music Entertainment, and CBS Corp. Just last week, YouTube struck a deal with Warner Music Group (wonder where the fuck's EMI?). Looks like the majors are playing the YouTube game, so you can stop calling YouTube the next Napster. In fact, why don't you just pick up a phone and call ME "napster." I'm lonely. And EVER SO HORNY!!!!

Meanwhile, I just did some research and found out that Google didn't buy YouTube. So nevermind. But here's the first paragraph again, just for fun: "You can make money without doing evil." That's what Google (NASDAQ: GOOG) says. And guess what? Maybe Google's right. While Microsoft (NASDAQ: MSFT) is thumbtacking chairs with its evil, evil ways, Google is instead making some real sound decisions, at least in the business sense. Over the past year, Google has partnered with NASA, News Corp (NYSE: NWS), AOL (NYSE: TWX), and Sun Microsystems (NASDAQ: SUNW) — 'member when it bought Blogger in 2003?