Morrissey Fires Opening Act After Onstage Banter Involving “Good Head” and “Cunnilingus”

Answer: Morrissey and ‘The Donald.’

Question: Name two improbably quiffed megalomaniacs who like to say, “You’re fired.”

When he's not boycotting Canada for its seal hunting policies, he's playing about with right-wing and fascist imagery. When he’s not milking former bandmates out of royalties, he’s winning “most ‘Northern’ male” polls. And when he's not being coy and aloof about his sexual orientation or proclaiming celibacy, he apparently punishes others for making off-the-cuff comments about his oblique animalistic leanings.

You have got to hand it to Morrissey; the man pulls more stunts to insure that his name remains in the public eye than Madonna. Instead of fading into the twilight of his career as a fat caricature of himself, he seems hell bent on staying relatively vital. Like all guarded prima donnas, Morrissey likes to keep his friends close and his enemies, er, off his opening stage.

KRISTEENYOUNG, a keyboard-and-drums duo fronted by one Kristeen Young, have been asked to leave Mozza’s current U.S. tour after an onstage incident October 23 at the Hammerstein Ballroom. Apparently, when confronted by the nightly barrage of “Morrissey!” yelps from the audience, Young responded with, “Morrissey gives good head... oops, I mean cunnilingus.” Hmm, not particularly rude by today’s standards, but offensive enough for the boss to take action.

In response, Kristeen posted this one and only note about the dismissal on her band’s MySpace Friday:

My band, KRISTEENYOUNG, have been asked to leave the Morrissey tour. Although I have been advised not to respond or issue a statement, my feelings are that I must. We have been asked to leave because of something I said on stage at The Hammerstein Ballroom, in New York City, this past Tuesday night. Unfortunately, the statement has been perceived as being profane (when, actually, one of the two words in question is a scientific term found in junior high, health class text books, and the other word, I feel most would agree, is lightweight slang) or defamatory. What I said was part of a thread of stage statements I made throughout our set. They were metaphorical and overstated to make an artistic point. The “offending” statement, in particular, was in no way a literal statement, and was very much in keeping with the tone of my writing in general. I reach for beauty and intelligence in my lyrics, but try to retain a bit of the everyday in them. Maybe the statement was a bit TOO everyday. Maybe I misjudged…but I meant no harm. I love Morrissey with all of my heart, soul body, spirit, to the core of my existence and always will. These will be the only words I will ever write or speak on the subject ever again. Please don’t ask for an interview or e-mail me with questions. Thanks to those who understand and who are brave enough to say so.

I don’t know about the “metaphorical” aspect or “artistic point” of Young’s chosen onstage banter that night or how it ties into her writing as a whole (I’ve never heard KRISTEENYOUNG), but I gotta stand by the woman in this fight. Morrissey, in keeping with his usual pattern of hiring either piss-poor opening acts or those who have some sort of direct worship reference point to his own or The Smiths’ music, has taken on Austin trio Girl in a Coma to provide support in place of KRISTEENYOUNG. You will have to decide for yourself which category of “Morrissey opening band” they fall into when you rush off to see them during these remaining U.S. tour dates:

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