Morrissey’s Coming to Collect Your Sacagaweas

Alan Finnius Morrissey, star of stage and wet dreams, will tour the U.S. for the first time in three years starting this spring. It will be an extended tour, with nearly 50 stops planned on the three-month outing, which means he'll probably at least be within road-tripping distance for everybody, OMG. All dates will be supported by KRISTEENYOUNG, the same Clockwork Orange-looking girl who backed Morrissey on last year's Ringleader of the Tormentors world tour. Get out there and hear some songs about boys and girls and the YMCA and candles and shit, like, live.

Here are the dates and the bands I wish were opening for Morrissey: