Mortal Cartoon: Times New Viking Tour, Cartoonist Becomes So Excited That He Runs Out Of Ink

Raccoo-oo-oon Nee-ee-eew Albb-bb-bbum Ann-nn-nnd Europp-pp-ppean Too-oo-oour

Good news, everyone: I, Papaya, just inherited $5,100,000 from a relative I didn't even know I had. I know it's not a joke, because I just got an e-mail saying it was true, and completely safe. How else would these people have gotten my e-mail address unless it was 100% genuine? What luck! Apparently, all I need to do is send in a social security card, photo ID, and credit card information to some dude in Morocco, and the money will be directly deposited in my checking account. This is going to be soo-oo-oo coo-oo-ool!!!!!!!!!!

What will I do with all of this money? Probably pay some student loans, invest, save for a down payment on a house, donate to disaster relief programs and maybe open up an orphanage... but I might also, as a little extravagance in celebration of my good fortune and as a way of giving back to the community, buy every TMT reader a copy of the new Raccoo-oo-oon album, titled Behold Secret Kingdom, due out on Release the Bats later this spring. This is the band's first official album, and word has it that it will be their best yet. It had better be, because I'm not about to drop all this money buying you guys an album that isn't completely ridonkulous. Actually, I just did some calculations, and it looks like it might take me the entire $5.1 million to do the CD thing... all right, fuck it, the student loans and all that can wait, I guess. CDs it is!

There are also some tourdates, as the band will be going on what will, from the looks of it, be a pretty intense, no-stops tour of Europe in March, and a U.S. tour with no-as-of-yet confirmed dates in May:

Elliott Smith Double Album to Be Released This May, Sad Bastards Still Aren’t Happy

I'm a sad bastard sometimes. I became reacquainted with whiskey after not drinking it for almost a year. Why? Simply, because there are so many other options out there. I started with cheap whiskey mixed with coke, and then I went to drinking straight black gold. Elliott Smith was right when he sung, "Whiskey works better than beer," on his most revealing track "King's Crossing" from his posthumously released album From a Basement on the Hill. I drank in solace, and the sad bastard in me came running out. I cried; I wrote some drunken lyrics in my notebook; I was touched.

On May 8, 2007, Kill Rock Stars will release a double album compiled of 24 songs recorded between 1995-1997. Titled New Moon, the songs include demos and B-sides recorded during Smith's self-titled album and Either/Or. Fans may have heard the songs from the popular site Elliott Smith B-Sides, but good luck trying to download the New Moon tracks, for they have already been "removed by request." Though, you should perhaps have more incentive to purchase the double disc because a significant portion of proceeds from the album sales will go directly to Outside In, a Portland-based social service organization that is dedicated in providing diverse services for low-income families and homeless youth.

Let's go drink some whiskey and spin Roman Candle on the record player.

New Moon tracklisting:

Hey is that the Culture Shock music festival with Xiu Xiu, Sunset Rubdown, and Make Believe headlining in your pants or are you just happy to see me?? “Nope, it’s my male part.”

Since the Indianapolis Colts won the Super Bowl, Indiana has been walking around the U.S. like it is "King Shit of Fuck Mountain." We get it Indiana. Get over yourself! Pretentious as Indiana may currently be, there is hope for redemption, and nothing is less pretentious then an indie-rock music fest. So put down your night vision goggles, and put on you hardcore dancing shoes you silly hillbilly. Get ready for Culture Shock 2007!

You may not have known or even have guessed that a music festival has been held in the depths of Indiana. And by depths, I mean Indiana University in Bloomington, IN. WIUX-LP 100.3 FM Pure Student Radio will be hosting their annual Culture Shock music festival on April 14, 2007. With all the bad news (Anna Nicole Smith's death, bad weather, funny Boston bomb scare), it is time for some good new to grace us all, which is that the festival will be free to the public and all-ages are invited. This year's festival is estimated to be the largest in the station's history.

The initial lineup so far includes a mix of local and national acts like Xiu Xiu, Sunset Rubdown, Catfish Haven, Richard Swift, Make Believe, Arrah & the Ferns, David Vandervelde, Husband & Wife, and The Coke Dares. More bands will be announced later along with the location. The festival will be held between 11:30 am and end at 11:30 pm. For more information, you can go to www.wiux.org -- an update will be posted soon. Past performers include Spoon, Harry and the Potters, The Impossible Shapes, Enon, Mock Orange, Half-Handed Cloud, Blueprint, Rapider Than Horsepower and Jackie-O Motherfucker.

I will try to cover this festival when it comes, and I will try to not to make fun of Indiana as much anymore. They don't know why they wear night-vision goggles. Hell, I love Indiana. I like my states red like my meat, and I cannot assume every Hooiser is a toothless meth addict with a rebel flag tattooed on his/her ass. So maybe Indiana is moving on up like those dang Jeffersons did. Times are changing, and along with Bonnaroo, -- cough -- Pitchfork Festival -- cough -- and even Lollapalooza, it looks like people are giving the Midwest some credit for once. Where is the Tiny Mix Tape festival you may be asking? Well, maybe if you close your eyes, squeeze a penny in your fist, and bone harder than you have ever boned before, then, well... maybe! Or you could just start sending us bucket loads of money. Boner!

Bonnaroo to Rock Hippy Ass June 14-17; ‘Bud’ Officially Preferred Over ‘Dude’ and ‘Bro’ By Three-to-One Margin

My friend Isaac and I used to go to the Smokin’ Grooves tour every year. It was fuckin’ rowdy; we saw Cypress, Tribe, Busta, Badu, ’Cyde, and many other hip-hop-ish acts that only need be called by their first or last name. We’d go with Isaac’s girlfriend and some single friend of hers. The ‘single friend’ would always think we were weird because we’d listen to Wyclef’s "Guantanamera" and totally flip out. Then we’d get to the show and settle in and Isaac would be like, "Dude, ‘Single Girl’ totally wants you to go grooooooove with her." But I’d never go groove with her because I was too shy and I thought Maybe Isaac’s lying, maybe she DOESN’T wanna grooooove with me.

Besides, she was dancing along to Eryka Badu and I hate her. Seriously, she sucks iced-out ass. My woman thinks I’m a bad person because of it, but man, I think Badu is just plain Badd. And you are what you like, you know? Like, I was on a date once and this girl kept talking about Dave Matthews. At some point I said "I’d like to force-feed Dave Matthews his own shit," and she presented me with an ultimatum: Either admit Dave Matthews is talented or I [girl] leave. TRUE STORY!! Keep in mind, I didn’t even have to say he carries artistic merit or is a quality artist; all I had to do was admit he’s talented and the bone candy gets thrown my way. Well, I refused and never saw the girl again. Fuck her.

Anyway, Isaac got tired of Smokin’ Grooves. Now he asks me to go to Bonnaroo with him every year. Even when the festival was all dirty and exclusively hippie-laden — much like the Sasquatch Festival, Bonnaroo has cleaned up over the years — he’d show me a flyer and get all tickled pink over the shit. What’s even funnier was the way he’d present it. He’d be like, "Hey bud, fuckin’ Booooonaroo bud, it’s alllllll about Bonnaroo this year bud, bud-bud-bud, bud, bud-bud-bud-bud-bud..." and so on... basically it would all dissolve into an endless chain of ‘bud’s. I was used to hearing ‘dude’ every few seconds, but in Colorado people say ‘bud’ and ‘bro.’

Even funnier, Isaac would never end up going. He’d always come up with an excuse and talk about his friend Bob, or as I like to call him, Buffalo Bob. He’d be like, "Shit, turns out I can’t go this year bud, but next year... OOH bud, it’s gonna be baaaad ass. My bud Bob’s goin’ though. Man he’s fuckin’ lucky, he quit his job and sold a bunch of stuff just to go. He’s homeless and penniless but hey, he’s goin’ to Bonnaroo bud!" And so on. I always thought Bob was burnt-out-hippie-loser scum, but hey, I think a lot of things. For instance, I once thought this waiter at Olive Garden was stalking me. Every time I’d go to eat there he’d peep at me and then duck behind a wall right when I looked over. Isn’t that fucking crazy? And another time, I’m pretty sure this cook at Denny’s undercooked my eggs on purpose. I mean, undercooked eggs don’t just... happen.

Anyhoo, this year Bonnaroo appears to be taking another step toward total Budness. Sure, the traditional Rat Pack of hippie scum will be force-feeding everyone their ‘unique’ brands of jam-cum-funk (String Cheese Incident, Bob Weir, and Ratdog). Sure, some of these bands are just-plain bad (Kings Of Leon, Gov’t Mule, Fountains Of Wayne). Sure, you’ll probably hear a lot of terrible white-guy rapping. Sure, hippies will pester you for a ‘drag’ off your cigarette all-the-live-long-day, but HEY, they’re trying...

So hey, let’s go to Bonnaroo this year, bud! When? June 14-17, bud! Where? Manchester, Tennessee, bud! How much? $184.50 (then when the first allotment run out they go up to $199.50... then when that allotment runs out they go up to $214.50). Why? Well... aww, you almost got me, bud! I can’t tell you WHY... that’s yer own trip brogurt. But I’ll tell you what, bud; you’d better start selling that hemp oil quick or you won’t be able to afford tickets! Of course each ticket gets you in all four days, so at least the head honchos at Bonnaroo are raping your ass with slightly less vigilance than the Coachella people. Slightly.

This Band List is Totally, Like, Buddage:

The Police • Tool • Widespread Panic • The White Stripes • Ben Harper & the Innocent Criminals • Wilco • The Flaming Lips • MANU CHAO Radio Bemba Sound System • The String Cheese Incident • Franz Ferdinand • Bob Weir & Ratdog • Damien Rice • Ween • Gov't Mule • Ziggy Marley • The Decemberists • Kings of Leon • Michael Franti & Spearhead • Wolfmother • Regina Spektor • The Black Keys • Galactic • DJ Shadow • Gillian Welch • Spoon • Keller Williams (WMD'S) • Sasha & John Digweed • STS9 • Old Crow Medicine Show • The Hold Steady • Lily Allen • North Mississippi Allstars • Fountains Of Wayne • Hot Tuna • Feist • Hot Chip • John Butler Trio • Ralph Stanley & the Clinch Mountain Boys • Aesop Rock • The Richard Thompson Band • Dierks Bentley • James Blood Ulmer • Xavier Rudd • Gogol Bordello • Junior Brown • Tortoise • T-Bone Burnett • Mavis Staples • Clutch • Cold War Kids • Dr. Dog • Paolo Nutini • Brazilian Girls • RX Bandits • The Nightwatchman • The Slip • Girl Talk • Railroad Earth • Martha Wainwright • Rodrigo y Gabriela • Annuals • Tea Leaf Green • Sam Roberts Band • Elvis Perkins in Dearland • Charlie Louvin • Sonya Kitchell • Mute Math • Apollo Sunshine • Uncle Earl • The National • The Little Ones • Black Angels • Ryan Shaw • Lewis Black & Friends • Dave Attell • David Cross •

Search for grocery stores. Find gratitude. Turn a simple search into something more.

Illustration: Carolina Suarez

The Jai-Alai Savant Debut Album Flight of the Bass Delegate Due April 3, or, How To Piss Off Your Editors in One Easy Lesson.

If something isn't simple to do, it isn't worth doing. That's my motto. So, while I could go on about how The Jai-Alai Savant's hugely-anticipated first album Flight of the Bass Delegate will finally be released on Gold Standard Labs April 3 (City Slang in UK/Europe), I'd rather practice my "Madlibs" instead!

Here is a great thing I like to do on a nice winter day. First, I put on a nice warm faux fox-lined sailor suit and a diaper. You want to ensure you stay warm and tubular. Next, I fill a thermos full of hot steamy Lipizzaner stallions and Alphagettis. I get ready to go snow flailing! Some people say only experts should go snow flailing, but I think anyone can do it if you use a little common sense, a monocle on your elbow and the left turn signal from an '86 Fiero SE. I have heard a rumor that Mrs. Dash will be offering special snow flailing classes after school at the School of Hard Knockers #324, but I don't know if that's true.

The best place to go snow flailing is on a hill of cockatiels that is covered with Gold Bond Medicated Body Powder. First, you will want to clear away any lonely, painful people wearing dungaree overalls. Stand at the top of the hill and shout, "You're standing right now with nine delegates from 100 gangs. And there's over a hundred more. That's 20,000 hardcore members. Forty thousand, counting affiliates, and 20,000 more, not organized -- but ready to fight. Sixty thousand soldiers. Now, there ain't but 20,000 police in the whole town -- Can you dig it? Can you dig it? Caaaaaan yoooooou
digggggittttttttt?"
Then step onto a 'paz en el hogar' religious votive candle, point yourself downhill, and off you go. Snow flailing is fun and the most rockingest! And here is one more tip: everyone will be especially impressed if you can balance a half-empty bottle of lemon gin on your head and play the flugelhorn as you sail by and do a Dutch oven! Well, that's how I roll, anyway.

When I got back home, I undressed and put on a the debut album by The Jai-Alai Savant and a Flight of the Bass Delegate: I had this totally 13 lucky tracks and 1 Data Massaganna dream last night! I was sitting on a 2 Arcane Theories and it started to 3 Scarlett Johansson Why Don't You Love Me 4 White on White Crime! I didn't know what to do so I started 5 The Low Frequent See, 6 When I Grow Up. Then suddenly it 7 Transmissions From the Dub Delegate and I turned into a 8 30's In the Thousands! I was so 9 Sugar Free that I 10 Murder Pon the Dancehall Part II to the 11 Transmissions From the Delegate down the street. When I got there, I found a 12 Vengeful Blade of the Desperate which made me want to 13 Akebono. Well, I must have been the debut album by The Jai-Alai Savant for at least Flight of the Bass Delegate minutes when you came up to me, looking rather power trio of Renaissance men Ralph Darden, Dan Nash Snyder, and Michael Bravine, and said, "kick-ass cover art by Damon Locks of The Eternals". And then you started out April 3 on Gold Standard Labs on my face! Just then I woke to find that it wasn't you doing it but my buy it, buy it, buy it instead!