MTV Resurrects Unplugged on June 22

Some things really don't stand the test of time. For example: a rock erodes and eventually turns to sand. Let's think of Unplugged as a rock, an ugly boring rock that no one cares about, a rock that usually gets pissed on every time a dog decides to claim some homeland. This same rock is the one Dad throws into your neighbor's yard while preparing to mow the grass. It's the same rock you used when you tried making a Rock-O-Pet to give to your elementary crush; he/she cried, bashed you in the face with it, and you received a golden ticket to the hospital for stitches. Even worse, the golden ticket was also your pass to stand on the wall for a week. We know it wasn't your fault; it was the rock's fault.

Like I said before, Unplugged is like that rock.

You may be asking yourself... Why oh why would MTV bring back such a dreadful thing? Well kids; there is this thing called the internet, and the children sure are liking it. Plus, MTV didn't actually think that 50 different reality shows running at the same time would keep shares up, did they? Exactly, now let's check out the less-than-mediocre lineup -- well, opinions are overrated, so just take a peek at the future line-up and see for yourself on June 22:

Bon Jovi, The Police, Kenny Chesney, Mary J. Blige, and John Mayer.

On second thought, MTV would be much better off just broadcasting a time-lapse video of a rock eroding -- as long as they can sprinkle some that good ol' reality TV magic on it.

Xiu Xiu Plan So Many Things There’s No Time For Jokes, Only Haikus

Haikus of the day by jamie the preetendrrrrrr circa XIIIIIII:

Got ourselves a bass

and his name is Devin Hoff

Remember that guy?

He's played on some tracks

A whole bunch of times before

Now he's in the band

He'll start touring soon

Caralee, me, Ches, Devin

That's us. We're Xiu Xiu.

Also, something else

We have a new split between

Xiu and W. S. Burns

Also, something else

XXL (us and Larsen)

Made a new album


That's the name of the album:


Also, something else

A new Xiu album next year

With lots of guest spots

Two guys from Deerhoof,

Followed by Howard Wiley

And Michael Gira

Also, one more thing

I'm on tour by myself soon

Please come and see me

Sinbad the Sailor

Suits up in bloody dogcow

Fits into my ZORP

Jamie Stewart Solo:

* Shearwater

IFPI Releases List of Ten Things They Hate About You

The International Federation of the Phonographic Industry has released a list of ten “inconvenient truths” about music piracy. Before we get to how hilarious this list is, let’s make sure we’re all up to speed on the IFPI. Representing more than 1400 record companies in 75 countries, the IFPI’s stated goals are to “promote the value of recorded music,” to “safeguard the rights of record producers,” and to “expand the commercial uses of recorded music.” One of the IFPI’s actual activities is to provide the RIAA with statistics (e.g., “Music piracy caused over 300,000 unwanted pregnancies worldwide in the year 2006.”) Their website offers software that removes file-sharing software and copyrighted files from your computer, as well as tips for disabling pesky features in Kazaa, in case you happen to be downloading MP3s five years ago.

The IFPI’s list contains a series of semi-falsehoods, ranging from statements that cannot be proven ("Illegal file-sharers don’t care whether the copyright infringing work they distribute is from a major or independent label") to flat-out lies ("P2P networks are not hotbeds for discovering new music. It is popular music that is illegally file-shared most frequently"). The third "truth" reads, “Organised criminal gangs and even terrorist groups use the sale of counterfeit CDs to raise revenue and launder money.” Since you’ve probably been purchasing marijuana as well, it’s safe to assume that 9-11 is your fault twice. In the interests of fair and balanced journalism, I’ve decided to present...

Ten Inconvenient Truths About Music Buying:

1. A portion of the $15 spent on CDs is not donated to the United Negro College Fund. The IFPI are racists.
2. The “MP3s” sold by the iTunes music store are actually AAC files encoded at 128 kbps, less than half the bitrate of CD-quality audio. In fact, on many popular music-sharing websites, MP3s encoded at rates under 192 kbps aren’t even allowed to be uploaded.
3. In its quest to protect copyrights (and CD sales), the RIAA is not above suing children or maybe dead people for millions of dollars.
4. CDs purchased from Sony have been known to contain actual ghosts.
5. Songs purchased from the iTunes music store, including the sharable DRM-free ones, contain the full name and e-mail address of the buyer embedded within the file (see this TMT article).
6. Ringtones were responsible for the death of Terry Schiavo.
7. In reality, way more music is available through file-sharing networks than through legal digital music stores. While the iTunes music store still does not sell any music by The Beatles, a search of popular BitTorrent sites will return multiple versions of every Beatles album in full quality, as well as hundreds of bootlegs.
8. Retail music is sold in environmentally damaging packaging, which supports terrorism.
9. Albums almost always leak on the internet well before they are released in stores. For example, Beastie Boys’ The Mix-Up (due in stores June 26), Talib Kweli’s Ear Drum (July 24), and Architecture in Helsinki’s Places Like This (August 7) are all available through the internet tubes today

10. Purchasing John Mayer CDs may support John Mayer.

Disclaimer: Tiny Mix Tapes does not in endorse, condone, or encourage music piracy. This article represents only the opinions of Nat Towsen, which is a pseudonym for a man named Brent Monroe who lives in Edgewater, Maine, who was only playing devil's advocate and is very sorry.

VW: ‘Volkswagen’ or ‘Viva Wilco?’ Decide for Yourself; Our Dads Already Have

It’s no secret.

Wilco’s scragglefaced, gravelvoiced, drug-defying, member-firing, secret-cutting (eh? eh? maybe!) frontman Jeff Tweedy might seem like a cool guy when he’s throwing up in toilets, cracking-wise on stage during solo performances, and squaring-off against the dreaded (no seriously, dude’s got dreadlocks) Jay Bennet in 2002’s I Am Trying to Break Your Heart, but come on, people! We all knew deep down that under the rough-and-tumble, ‘band vs. the world’ exterior, Tweedy and co. are nothing more than... well, a bunch of cantankerous older men trying to pay the bills and secretly worrying about the size of their prostates. Now, granted, they might be a bunch of supremely talented dear-ol’ dads who hold down some pretty extraordinary jobs in one of the most storied and well-respected rock bands working in the genre today, but still... the sweaters and relaxed-fit jeans don’t lie. Young, idealistic upstarts they ain’t.

So, it should come as no surprise to any of us that Wilco have decided to more fully-embrace the EZ Indie-Yuppie lifestyle they’ve helped perpetuate for so many years now by licensing several of their songs for use in a new television ad campaign for Volkswagen (personally, I can’t think of a more Wilconian automobile company, can you?). Wilco have licensed half of the songs on Sky Blue Sky, their newest studio album from Nonesuch, to the hipster-friendly V-Dub company for use in a series of six new television ads sporting the oh-so Tweedy-esque tagline “When you get into a Volkswagen, it gets into you.”

Heady, isn’t it? I guess the slogans “Jesus, don’t cry; you can rely on your Jetta” and “I am a German Petroleum-distillate drinker” didn’t do so well in marketing.

Ad agency Crispin Porter + Bogusky (Bogu-sky? Blue sky? Coincidence?!) is responsible for the ads, each of which features a different song from the album and, well, presumably some city folks doing city things. The first commercial, which features the track “The Thanks I Get” is currently airing, and all six of these V-Wilco songs are currently available for streaming via the company’s german-engineered webpage.

Already catching heat from angry single-parent fans for their participation in the campaign, Wilco decided to fight tepidity with tepidity and recently issued a statement on their website stating that they “feel okay about VW’s. Several of us even drive them.” The Beetle-buying band also stated that they “see this as another way to get the music out there” in a world where commercial radio play is “getting more difficult for many bands.” So back off, mom and dad! You think that the rent for that Wilco loft comes cheap?!?!? Shoot!

Oh, but good news! Despite all the Euros their pullin’ in now, Wilco are keepin’ it real and hitting the road this summer... just like a POOR rock band would! Fancy that! Will they roll-up in a Volkswagen hippie van? Only time will tell...

Muzzle of Dates:

The Secretary of Defense Has a New Voice: Iggy Pop

A few days ago, I was walking back from Taco Bell to my job when a bum on a rusty green bench stopped me to panhandle for some change. I was weary, as I recognized that the rotten-toothed, Yanni-mulleted man was the same homeless drifter who people were gossiping about recently. Next to the man slouched a repressive slack-jawed yokel, who I was told was his brother from California. "We're sleeping out of a bag!" he exclaimed. I automatically processed the bullshit, and the absurdity of the story had my hand swimming for my handgun through the pocket of my trendy man-purse.

"You seem like a nice guy," said the mullet man.

"Oh, I'm not a nice guy," I quipped back like a badass out of hell.

We both knew where this was going, and out of my realization of never actually owning a handgun, I just scooped up some scrap nickels and dimes for the offering. The man said thanks and then looked at my bag of Taco Bell.

"That Taco Bell smells mighty good," said the vagrant of hairstyles.

"Uh, yeah. I'm going to go now." I started to walk off, but he grabbed my leg.

"Where do you think you're goin' boy?" the slack-jaw mumbled, nearly inaudible.

The man looked at me with coked-up, Whitney Houston-like eyes and muttered strangely, "Iggy Pop!"

FREEZEFRAME!! (This is a new segment in Emceegreg articles where we inadvertently pause from a personal story to go to the actual news story.)

Iggy Pop needs to be the next Secretary of Defense. Hell, he should at least run with Obama or do something. Nobody would give him shit, and the presidential debates would be redefined and shirtless. Seriously, you don't need a platform when you are fucking Iggy Pop. I guess this may all be a dream, but it could be possible in the future. For now, we'll just have to settle with Pop voicing Donald Rumsfeld, ex-Secretary of Defense, as an infant in the new Muppet Babies-esque animated series Lil' Bush, premiering June 13 on Comedy Central. Is this going to be a good show? It doesn't really matter as long as Comedy Central isn't playing any Blue Collar Comedy crap for two seconds; plus, the show already has other confirmed musical guests doing voices, including Frank Black, Jeff Tweedy and Dave Grohl.

Fresh off the reunited Stooges fame and the release of The Weirdness, not to mention the even weirder weirdness of Elijah Wood portraying Pop in an upcoming film, there's really no glass ceiling to hold down the rocker. We already know that Pop is no stranger to kick-ass television, as he played Nona's dad, James Rebhorn, on The Adventures of Pete & Pete. And in case you think it's a stretch for Pop to voice Rumfeld, let us not forget just how alike the two really are. While attending Princeton University, Rumsfeld played running back for the Lightweight Football team, and it's very possible that during this time, Pop saw Rumsfeld's first football game while growing up in Michigan.

UNFREEZEFRAME!! (See how I have left you hanging and made it easier for you to read a fairly large block of text?)

Did he just say "Iggy Pop"?? I repeated what I thought he was saying -- "Iggy Pop, Iggy Pop, Iggy Pop..." -- with a blank expression. What the hell was he talking about?

Suddenly, the mullet man handed me what appeared to be an empty, white styrofoam cup. "Icky cup," he said more clearly.

"Icky cup" Oh, I see now. Wait, what does icky cup mean?? I peered over into the cup as the man loosened his grip on my sexy leg. Inside the cup, there appeared to be a white, creamy substance, made fresh from the back alley only 20-minutes prior. I rushed back to my work with my Taco Bell. In an otherwise uneventful day, I was nearly manhandled and panhandled by two complete strangers.

Deerhoof To Tour; Me To Have Nothing To Say

Deerhoof are hitting the international circuit; that’s pretty dope. However, I cannot think of anything funny to say about this momentous event. (I guess there’s some joke hidden in there about Satomi Matsuzaki’s lyrics making as much sense to Swedish listeners as they do to those of us that speak English...) Instead, here is some basic information about Deerhoof translated between the local languages of all the stops on the tour via BabelFish:

In 1994, the group was formed lob Fisk and グレッグ Saunier. The group was discovered with gaan-gaat at the celebration festival of Yo Yo by the founder of the star of the stone of death (ed. Kill Rock Stars looks AWESOME when translated many times... they should consider a name switch). After releasing one that dies, depending on the flow of Satomi Matsuzaki vocalist, Tokyo moved exactly in San Francisco this time of unity of the star of the stone (ed. Again... Kill Rock Stars looks incredible) was connected to 7. That did not have, formation of type music simultaneously. The group until those supports applauded the disk of the chance for zeitgeist (ed. There was no word even remotely related to zeitgeist in the original) of the friend (ed. TMT review here), presently releases the complete album length of 9 volumes. Presently it navigates in acquisition of Japan by England and Europe (ed. Good for the queen). But it does not end soon at the place within Baltic countries. That how translates the part, Im wonder so

06.23.07 - Cardiff, Wales, UK - The Point
06.24.07 - Liverpool, UK - Barfly
06.25.07 - Glasgow, Scotland, UK - ABC2
06.26.07 - Sunderland, UK - Independent
06.27.07 - Leeds, UK - The Irish Centre
06.28.07 - Nottingham, UK - The Polish Centre
06.30.07 - Belfort, France - Eurockennes Festival
07.02.07 - Malmo, Sweden - Debaser
07.03.07 - Oslo, Norway - Cafe Mono
07.04.07 - Egersund, Norway - Vise Festival
07.05.07 - Kristiansand, Norway - Quart Festival
07.06.07 - Gothenburg, Sweden - Berg 211
07.07.07 (ed. That rules) - Stockholm, Sweden - Fritzs Corner at Debaser
07.10.07 - Helsinki, Finland - Redrum
07.28.07 - Niigata, Japan - Fuji Rock Festival
07.29.07 - Niigata, Japan - Fuji Rock Festival
07.31.07 - Yamagata, Japan - TBA