If you thought The Scissor Sisters were nothing but totally superficial fame-whores in sequins and feathers, it turns out you're, well... sort of wrong. I'm sure I'm as surprised to report as you are to read that the queertastic post-disco (watch me make up genres on the fly like it ain't no thang) group have taken Trans World to task. The Scissor Sisters apparently denounced Trans World subsidiary FYE's ludicrously high pricing at the recent NARM (National Association of Recording Merchandisers) conference. I admit it — I like this band. They're not even a guilty pleasure. I listen to them and dance around in my pajamas, okay? Are you happy?? Anyway, um... I guess my point was that even though, unlike many of you out there, I have absolutely no problem with The Scissor Sisters, I'm still surprised that they care at all about something remotely political.

Anyway, after the band's disparaging comments about FYE's high pricing, the corporation, which owns enough chain music and video retailers to make your head spin, has decided it's going to boycott The Scissor Sisters. So if you want a copy of the band's new album, Ta Dah! (Universal), I would suggest avoiding just about every music store chain you can possibly imagine. I mean, I generally suggest that anyway, but this time, if you go to look for the new Scissor Sisters album, it's just not going to be there. And if you go there in search of that rare Nurse With Wound limited-edition, import-only LP... well, you're just foolish.

By the way — if you're in New England, you're not only freezing cold right now, you're in luck... if you like The Scissor Sisters, anyway. Coolfer reports that Mike Deese, of the imitable northeastern music mini-chain Newbury Comics, has vowed to step up promotion of Ta Dah! by giving the album plenty of in-store play. And just in case you don't believe that this guy is as a big of a music nerd as you are, he offers the following quote: "This reminds me of when Strawberries pulled Hüsker Dü for a YEAR for doing a Newbury in-store 20 years ago." God, I loved Newbury Comics when I was in high school. Can I just say that? I'm not even on their payroll, but they can totally send me free shit if they feel like it. Just sayin'.

Trans World contraband tracklisting:

1. I Don't Feel Like Dancin'
2. She's My Man
3. I Can't Decide
4. Lights
5. Land of a Thousand Words
6. Intermission
7. Kiss You Off
8. Ooh
9. Paul McCartney
10. The Other Side
11. Might Tell You Tonight
12. Everybody Wants the Same Thing

Warner Music Group and YouTube Meet in a L.A. Restroom, Accidentally Urinate Side-By-Side, YouTube Slips and Pisses on Warner’s Tight Jeans, Entices a No-Holds-Barred Game of Swords, Warner Wins with a Move It Learned from R. Kelly, The Two Shake Hands, and a Licensing Deal is Made

If you are anything like me, you like giving away as much of your money as you can. Warner Bros. wants to make my dreams, as well as everyone else's, come true by making sure they cash-in on the cash cow that is YouTube. In this instance, YouTube is more like a big hunk of cheese and Warner Music a giant flesh-eating rat. That wasn't really meant to be metaphorical. I'm just playing a game of Mouse Trap with my Algerian friends, and it's hard to keep my mind in one place.

The news does concern me greatly, though, which I will get to in a minute. In case you didn't hear, last Monday WMG made an agreement with YouTube to distribute any artist-related material. Under this "sweet-ass deal," Warner and YouTube will share revenue from all of the goofy advertising. Yes, it's like consensual sex. The only one that gets violated in this story is the avid YouTuber.

This isn't just a pat on the ass for YouTube, but also good news for WMG. Since WMG is the first to take part in the user-generated content of YouTube, there will most likely be more commercial distribution from other companies. Recently, entertainment moguls all over have been biting their nails over the large amount of copyrighted material that appears on websites like YouTube without permission or authorization.

By the end of the year, YouTube plans to use an advanced content identification and a royalty reporting system. This will help to identify the videos and help manage payments to the record labels. Yes, you heard that right. It's time to pay up! You were going to spend your $175 paycheck from McDonald's on a new cock ring, but now some of that cash is going to help support our poor and dying entertainers.

As I said before, this news does concern me somewhat, due to the fact that for a year-and-a-half now my dad and I have been making our own personal YouTube videos. Every Saturday evening, I usually drive up to see my dad. When I walk inside his trailer, he usually has the lighting set just right, and the camera is always ready to go. After a few shots and a couple of games of ultimate arm wrestling, we usually take our clothes off. We just stay in our boxers, of course! Don't get the wrong idea, you pervs!

So my dad and I are practically butt naked. I slip in my latest Enya mix, and we just let it go. Sometimes it turns into 10 minutes of interpretive dance during "Storms in Africa," and sometimes it becomes a motherfuckin' crump party! The trouble is that with this milestone agreement between douches one and two, my dad and I can no longer make our videos unless Enya gets her royalties. We don't have the money for this hoo-ha since we are both saving up for the "surgery." Thanks a lot guys!

Well, I suppose on the bright side I will now get more of Buckethead, Phil Collins, Lupe Fiasco, and Phillip Glass all together at once. Plus I am starting to get bored with all the lonelygirl15 drama. Would it really hurt to use a little Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch?

We’re Only Making Television Plans for Nigel Godrich… Oooh-oooh. Nigel Just Needs This Helping Hand… From Beck, and Thom Yorke, and White Stripes… Oooh-oooh

A friend of mine gets a lot of stick for his endless bitching. It's mostly about how he thinks jackoff comedian Tom Green stole his ideas and potential career by performing like-minded shtick while hosting a community cable TV show years and years ago. This friend believes that it should have been he, not Green, to use this early foray into the entertainment biz as a springboard to MTV fame (read: insignificance), in and out of Drew Barrymore's pants, and into tens of homes via the Freddy Got Fingered vid rental. Now, it looks like it may be my turn to experience a similar fate and spend my future days wandering from tavern to dive telling anyone I make eye contact with that "I could've really been someone if it wasn't for...

...Nigel Godrich!" Now, I've never claimed to have m(any) original ideas, but creating a show for local and traveling-through-town bands to perform on was one of them. I was thinking of financing the whole shebang using the two-pronged method of whoring myself out and selling my '92 Honda Accord for $800.00. So yeah, basically I'm assuming that $804.27 would be enough to produce a show chock full o' quality and class. Surely empires have been built on less? Imagine my surprise when stud producer Godrich (Radiohead, Beck, R.E.M.) suddenly announced that he has mind-snatched my idea (allegedly) and has created From the Basement for British television (definitely), a show that will boast hot-piss bands playing their hot-piss tunes. He really should think about launching a podcast of the shows als... damn you Godrich, sir!

Episode one will feature the alterna-wet dream of The White Stripes, Thom Yorke, and Four Tet. The second will have Beck and Jamie Lidell. After that, it's anyone's guess as to which way From the Basement will go. Could it be more sets by Godrich's friends and superstars, or could it be appearances by Kid (sans Play) and a reunited Creed? C'mon god of revenge...

The much-traveled quote reported by top trendsetters Rolling Stone is this one: "I'm interested in the visual arts side of things, and somehow integrating that into what records have become," Godrich said. "People don't buy albums so much because, as a medium, it's changing, so I'm just trying to figure out what it's changing into, and chasing after that." Since when does "chasing" mean "stealing," G-rich? Huh, punk? The only differences between your wannabe American Bandstand and my ticket to lotusland are a well thought-out business plan, a high-gloss and fully-equipped set, the financial backing, and a talented producer/host and guests!

Unfortunately for hopeful participants who like nothing more than to yelp like jackasses and lose their shit on teevee, the show will have visual accompaniment to the artists in lieu of a traditional audience. This is in keeping with Godrich's recent leanings towards changing the music industry described above and with much of what he has been planning with Beck on his forthcoming album project, The Information. That's the one with a full complement of simpleton greenscreen videos and fuzzy felt interactive cover art or whatever the fuck they're foisting on the braying public next month.

John Peel’s Body Lies A-Mouldering in the Grave; Music Industry Is Business As Usual

It's time for some srs bsnss reporting. We're approaching the second-year anniversary of John Peel's death, something this reporter does not feel comfortable joking about (headlines aside). After all, Peel was immensely influencial on the British music scene and, as a result, the American music scene (you all know how it works). You most likely have some Peel session MP3s on your computer (unless you're a REAL MAN and you've got the lossless stuff).

Well, in case your computer is woefully empty, there are some nice people planning on releasing a double-disc complilation of Peel's fav tunes. Can I finally make a joke about how everyone's gotta make a buck (or a pound) off of every single goddamned event these days? Like the people I saw selling outrageously overpriced paper masks a few blocks from the former World Trade Center as soon as lower Manhattan was reopened and hawking them as "Official 9/11 Breathing Masks"? These questions are rhetoric, because my editors are in different states, cannot respond before this "goes to press," and will get the angry e-mails instead of me! Ha ha!

Anyway, the album is to be called John Peel - Right Time, Wrong Speed: 1977-1987. It will be released in the UK on October 9 and has tracks from all the bands you already like. However, if that's not enough to make you drop the big bills, Sir Peter Blake, designer of Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band cover, is to be doing the cover of this album as well! Woo!

I swear to G-d, this is a tracklisting for a Nouvelle Vague album:

Disc One:

1. Buzzcocks - "What Do I Get?"
2. Stiff Little Fingers - "Alternative Ulster"
3. The Cure - "A Forest"
4. Killing Joke - "Pssyche"
5. The Slits - "Typical Girls"
6. The Only Ones - "Another Girl, Another Planet"
7. The Jesus And Mary Chain - "Just Like Honey"
8. Laurie Anderson - "O Superman"
9. The Modern Lovers - "Roadrunner"
10. Misty In Roots - "Mankind"
11. The Rezillos - "Can't Stand My Baby"
12. The Ruts - "In A Rut"
13. 4 Brothers - "Pasi Pano Pane Zviedzo"
14. The Damned - "New Rose"
15. The Jam - "Down In The Tube Station At Midnight"
16. Scritti Politti - "The Sweetest Girl"
17. Steel Pulse - "Ku Klux Klan"
18. The Mekons - "Where Were You?"
19. Ivon Cutler - "Life In A Scotch Sitting Room"

Disc Two:

1. Joy Division - "Atmosphere"
2. The Cocteau Twins - "Musette And Drums"
3. The Smiths - "There Is A Light That Never Goes Out"
4. Echo & The Bunnymen - "Over The Wall"
5. The Associates - "Party Fears Two"
6. Grandmaster Flash - "The Message"
7. Wah! - "Hope (I Wish You'd Believe Me)"
8. The Sugarcubes - "Birthday"
9. Red Guitars - "Good Technology"
10. Poet & The Roots - "All Wi Doin Is Defendin"
11. The Redskins - "Keep On Keeping On"
12. The Birthday Party - "Release The Bats"
13. The Wild Swans - "Revolutionary Spirit"
14. Gang Of Four - "Damaged Goods"
15. The Wedding Present - "Everyone Things He Looks Daft"
16. Cabaret Voltaire - "Just Fascination"
17. The Undertones - "You've Got My Number (Why Don't You Use It?)"
18. The Fall - "Eat Y'self Fitter"
19. Half Man Half Biscuit - "The Trumpton Riots"

The Hold Steady Tour for (Most) Boys and Girls in America Then Some… Tough Shit, Arkansas

How to make a Hold Steady:

- 1 part strung-out hoodrat with an affinity for Jesus Christ

- 1 part Ybor City

- 1 part slurred drunken poetry

- 1 part warm beer to the summer smoke

- approximately 147 parts whiskey

Mix well, keep it cool in coolers.

These would be appropriate venues in which to wave your Marlboros like magic wands and drink until you dream:

09.30.06 - Hamden, CT - Masonic Temple
10.01.06 - New York, NY - Irving Plaza
10.02.06 - Baltimore, MD - Ottobar
10.04.06 - Atlanta, GA -The Earl
10.05.06 - Birmingham, AL - Bottle Tree
10.06.06 - Memphis, TN - Hi-Tone Café
10.07.06 - Denton, TX - Hailey’s
10.08.06 - Austin, TX - Emo’s
10.09.06 - Houston, TX - Walter's on Washington
10.12.06 - Tucson, AZ - Club Congress
10.13.06 - San Diego, CA - Brick By Brick
10.13.06 - Costa Mesa, CA - Detroit Bar
10.16.06 - Los Angeles, CA - Troubadour
10.17.06 - San Francisco, CA - Great American Music Hall
10.19.06 - Portland, OR - Lola’s
10.20.06 - Vancouver, BC - The Plaza Club
10.21.06 - Seattle, WA - Crocodile Cafe
10.24.06 - Minneapolis, MN - First Avenue
10.25.06 - Minneapolis, MN - First Avenue
10.26.06 - Chicago, IL - Metro
10.27.06 - Detroit, MI - Magic Stick
10.28.06 - Toronto, ON - Horseshoe Tavern
10.29.06 - Ottowa, ON - Zaphods Beeblebrox
10.30.06 - Boston, MA - Middle East

Lisa Set to Germano All Over America This Fall

Listen... last night I said some things I didn't mean. I know, I know you've heard this before, but if you'll just wait and listen for a minute, then you can say whatever you need to say to me. Okay? Okay. So before I even get into any of the details, I just want to clarify that my feelings for you are the same, and I'm not just, you know... I'm not just saying that. You mean a lot to me, and that's why I'm not going to pretend that I didn't hurt you last night.

I guess the reason it all started is that I had a pretty long day at work. Sam's been on my ass about the November merger for weeks, but he was really laying it into me today. And so the whole drive home, I'm thinking how nice it's going to be to put my feet up, maybe squeeze in a quick nap before dinner, who knows. I'm not saying this justifies anything. Forget it. The point is, I had one of my shoes off and was on my way to the other, when you step out from behind the couch and practically scream straight into my ear, "Lisa Germano!"

In retrospect, I guess that was pretty sweet of you. I know how you love her music, and I was even going to ask you to burn me a mix so I could check her out sometime. It was just so sudden, honey. And then before I could re-orient myself, her CD was already being shoved in my face — yes, as a gift, but at the time it felt more like a threat. I'm sorry. All this shouldn't have led to any of the strong words I used. "Fuck Lisa Germano," I slurred, and nothing I can say to you will ever erase that fact. "That new album of hers, In The Maybe World, out now on Young God Records? Never should've been made." At that point I didn't even know what I was saying. "Remember her collaborations with Eels, Sheryl Crow, and John Mellencamp? Pathetic." Honey, look me in the eye. It was late, and I was being selective with my memory. Of course she's also worked with David Bowie and Iggy Pop. I know that. You wouldn't appreciate the music of some hack. You've got class.

The only way to prove to you that I'm not the man you saw last night... is to attend all 19 shows of her upcoming fall tour:

10.05.06 - Philadelphia, PA - North Star Bar
10.06.06 - New York, NY - Tonic
10.07.06 - Northampton, MA - Iron Horse Music Hall
10.08.06 - Somerville, MA - PA's Lounge
10.09.06 - Providence, RI - AS 220 Art Space
10.10.06 - Albany, NY - Valentine's
10.11.06 - Buffalo, NY - Mohawk Place
10.13.06 - Cleveland, OH - Beachland Tavern
10.14.06 - Cincinnati, OH - Publico Gallery
10.15.06 - Columbus, OH - Little Brothers (8pm early show)
10.17.06 - Bloomington, IN - Buskirk-Chumley Theater
10.19.06 - Milwaukee, WI - Cactus Bar
10.20.06 - St. Paul, MN - Turf Club
10.21.06 - Chicago, IL - Beat Kitchen
10.23.06 - Detroit, MI - Stormy Records Space
10.24.06 - Pittsburgh, PA - Quiet Storm Coffee House
10.25.06 - Charlottesville, VA - Gravity Lounge
10.26.06 - Arlington, VA - Iota Cafe
10.27.06 - Brooklyn, NY - Barbes

Also, I've been seeing someone else. We'll discuss this when I get back.