Indie rock needs more beef. I really do not think that anyone can deny this. Rap has become the WWF with its intertwining storylines and backstabbing intrigue. One moment Lil’ Wayne is making it rain alongside Fat Joe, the next he is bashing him on his new album. Cassidy (WHO?!) calls out Jay-Z for no apparent reason. El-P and Sole get to write diss raps against one another. This, frankly, rules. I want this in indie rock (Brian Jonestown Massacre v. Dandy Warhols and Pitchfork v. Tim Kinsella is simply NOT enough). I want Tim Kasher to compose a concept album about how much he hates Spencer Krug. I want Owen Ashworth to write vicious LiveJournal entries about Will Sheff. I want Jamie Stewart to tell Will Oldham to perk up... and then to... punch... him...

Point being: indie rock needs to have the kind of interpersonal intrigue that got Fitty shot (too soon?). Obviously if the musicians aren’t going to facilitate this, I feel that it's my duty as part of the media (OH COME ON, this totally counts as the media) to just go ahead and create incendiary stories which will produce the animosity which I can, in turn, report. So: The New Pornographers hate Broken Social Scene. Always have.

Some say it started when Amy Millan released Honey From The Tombs, stating that she could make a better album than Neko Case after huffing the ashes of Kathryn Calder’s dog... which she killed... and sacrificed... to Satan... on Kathryn’s birthday. While she failed, miserably, it was enough to set off A.C. Newman who, in a rarely cited press release, stated that The New Pornographers would simply exist “to crush those bizarro New Pornographers.” After a brief scuffle involving Dan Bejar brandishing a switchblade, Broken Social Scene went on “indefinite hiatus.” Thinking they had won, A.C. and his crew retreated to the studio to work on their new album You Fear Us Beat Broken Social Scene or The Story Is In The Soil, Keep Your Ear To The Ground. While deciding the correct amount of clap tracks for the upcoming album, a certain, inferior website leaked that Broken Social Scene would return to making music under the flimsy “Broken Social Scene Presents Kevin Drew” alias. Needless to say, A.C. Newman was enraged and, after contacting the Matador lawyers and having the album changed to Yo, Kevin Drew and Posse. Suck It., he began to contact venues to create a façade that would mask his ultimate goal of finding Kevin Drew and squashing the beef. Through violence

09.13.07 - Victoria, B.C. Canada - McPherson Ballroom
09.14.07 - Seattle, WA - Showbox
09.15.07 - Seattle, WA - Showbox
09.16.07 - Portland, OR - Crystal Ballroom
09.17.07 - San Francisco, CA - Warfield Theatre
09.18.07 - San Diego, CA - House of Blues
09.19.07 - Los Angeles, CA - Henry Fonda Theater
09.20.07 - Los Angeles, CA - Henry Fonda Theater
09.21.07 - Tucson, AZ - Rialto Theatre
09.22.07 - Albuquerque, NM - Sunshine Theater
09.24.07 - Boulder, CO - Boulder Theater
09.25.07 - Salt Lake City, UT - The Depot
09.26.07 - Boise, ID - The Egyptian Theatre
09.28.07 - Vancouver, B.C. Canada at Commodore Ballroom

ALL DATES SUPPORTED BY FANCEY, LAVENDER DIAMOND, PONY BOY, AND THE ENTIRE CAST OF THE WARRIORS.

To earn enough to buy lead pipes and to bribe cops to let up the location of “Broken Social Scene Presents...” The New Pornographers have put up their new album for preorder in two versions. The “Standard Edition” is being sold for $14.99 and will include an already available full, online album stream, three unreleased B-sides, and advanced ticket-purchasing options. The “Executive Edition,” which Bejar said will contribute “maxium BSS pwnage,” will be a box set including three discs of B-sides, demos, alternate mixes, live tracks, videos, photos, Leslie Feist fingernails, and artwork for $19.99.

Challenger subtitled: Sleep With One Eye Open Broken Social Scene.

Neil Hamburger And The Russian Government Prevent Free Radicals; It’s Good For You!

Due to circumstances beyond our control, Neil Hamburger is touring. He isn't stopping until all the dates are complete, whether you like it or not. And, truth be told, a lot of people don't seem to like him. I did my own unofficial polling of people facing me, and half of them, when prompted, decided to face a different direction. Compelling results? Of course. Neil ‘The Burger’ Hamburger is, to some, hard to stomach. He coughs a lot. He's awkward. He tells bad jokes. People boo him. If you were in any doubt that the ‘boo’ was passé, that it had fallen into the annals of public appearance lexicon, watch him perform his stand-up. There certainly are laughs to compete, however, and apparently enough to propel a bunch of CD releases and this tour from Drag City.

With my unofficial poll and common understanding, those that boo fail to get the joke: that he is acting 'bad' on purpose (or at least it appears that way). Those that cheer have a strange sense of humor, or are laughing at him. It is perplexing. I have friends who tell bad jokes, and they do not have CDs and tours. I tell bad jokes all the time, too, and I think I would be much better off if I were rewarded with tourdates instead of a whopping dose of humiliation and mockery. But in Neil Hamburger's defense, he has a certain image and charismatic appeal that I will never have. Maybe we are indeed laughing at him, but I get the feeling the joke's on us.

Like a fine trip to Dick's Last Resort, where the waitstaff insult and abuse the patrons and we all pretend to enjoy it, Neil Hamburger is giving us what we don't want and making us laugh. That's something, isn't it? It's the perfect marketing strategy: give us a product to solve a problem we never knew we had. He's good for the economy, he's good for comedy, and he's good for us (Neil Hamburger prevents free radicals!). So boo or don't boo, either way he's touring, and you'll wonder if he's for real or not, but rest assured, he is. Help us, he is:

# Dr. El Suavo

$ Daiquiri

Freeloaders can catch a glimpse of America's $1 Funnyman here.

Apple Placed on Homeland Security Watchlist for Ties with Eco-Terrorism

In a darling action that has surprised environmental activists and computer nerds alike, Steve Jobs has reportedly been undergoing a one-man struggle to protect the earth and all that is sacred therein from the brink of environmental destruction. News feeds from the small Pacific island of Iwo Jima recount eye-witness testimony of a wet-suit clad Jobs single-handedly commandeering Japanese whaling ships and harpooning all crew members on board in the heart. When asked about his newfound passion for the elephants of the sea, Jobs stated that he's really just a bandwagon jumper trying to capitalize on North American's new green-chic movement in an attempt to corner a larger share of the home computer market.

Coincidently, Greenpeace has started championing Apple as the green computer of the new century. Apple has announced it will phase out the worst of the worst e-waste chemicals, Brominated Fire Retardants (BFRs) and Polyvinyl Chloride (PVC) by 2008. Greenpeace representatives were reached for comment but were too busy ejaculating in their pants to respond; however, they did make a statement on their website. The plan puts Apple ahead of Dell by one year; Dell committed to stop manufactoring products with these chemical by 2009. But c'mon, Dell announced its plan first. It's like bidding your way on-stage on the Price is Right. If some asshole bids $560,000 on a pair of scooters, you get the change to bid $1 and walk away looking like a genius. Of course you're going to win, and this is exactly the same thing.

To be completely fair to the world's fifth-largest computer manufacturer, it did take the environmental lead in 2006 by being the first company to fully dump cathode-ray tube (CRT) displays. Now you may be asking, "EZ, how bad can these monitors be? I know they're big and all, and don't get you laid very easy, but its not like they're killing children or anything."

Well they kinda are, just not in North America. A typical CRT monitor contains approximately 3 lbs. of lead. And since our illustrious leaders have brokered some pretty liberal free-trade deals with our East, South, and South East Asian friends, the vast majority of our monitors end up in landfills in Bangladesh, India, and the Philippines, where some industrious children make a relative shitload of money (compared to your little brother's paper route, and... well that's probably the only job), salvaging what their politicians, currency speculators, and military leaders throw away. But we send them our old monitors, so the tetnus is their leaders' fault. The lead poisoning? That's all us.

And even if you're an elitist douche bag who couldn't give a fuck about some Tamil kid in Sri Lanka, you should be concerned. Because the good ol' US of A still allows a lot of e-waste to find its way into your landfills. Currently, e-waste makes up only 2% of all garbage in the United States but releases 70% of all toxic chemicals found on American soil.

But hey, why should you care, Steve Jobs has it all taken care of. And with Greenpeace on his side, he's an unstoppable behemoth... a whale savin', Japanese harpoonin', kid-savin' behemoth. Wait... I'm confused... I thought Greenpeace hated capitalism. What a bunch of sell-outs.

Just like my clamoring baby niece who likes to wail and bang away on just about anything she can put her fleshy little fingers on until someone pays some goddamn attention to her, Austin eating utensil advocates/overgrown toddlers Britt Daniel and Co. aren't about to let you forget their presence in the upper indie rock echelon this summer.

And as if squawking guttural nonsense at you (in the form, of course, of their new record Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga, due July 10 via Merge in the U.S. and July 9th via Anti- in Europe) wasn't obnoxious enough to get our attention, the babyboys of Spoon will turn the tables on all of us buttoned-down adults this summer when they get all up in our collective grill, forcing us to open the ol' hangar and slurp down a chunky slurry of vitamin-enriched tourdates as they rev-up this weekend and rampage their way through a series of festival and show dates that won't tire them out until sometime in mid-October.

That's quite the attention span, when you think about it. So we might as well all just give in and eat up now if we want to get any sleep tonight. Besides, when's the last time you got spoon-fed anything that was this delicious???

Here comes the airplaaaaaaaaaaane:
06.10.07 - Chula Vista, CA - KZBT Independence Jam
06.16.07 - Manchester, TN - Bonnaroo
06.29.07 - Calgary, Alberta - Sled Island Festival
07.04.07 - Detroit, MI - Comerica CityFest
07.05.07 - Milwaukee, WI - Summerfest
07.11.07 - New York, NY - Rockefeller Park - River to River
08.04.07 - Chicago, IL - Grant Park - Lollapalooza
08.05.07 - Baltimore, MD - Virgin Festival
08.10.07 - Oslo, Norway - Øya Festival
08.11.07 - Gothenburg, Sweden - Way Out West
08.12.07 - Leicester, England - Summer Sundae Weekender
08.14.07 - Paredes de Coura, Portugal - Paredes de Coura Festival
08.16.07 - London, England - Cargo
08.17.07 - Hasselt, Belgium - Pukkelpop Festival
09.07.07 - Vancouver, British Columbia
09.10.07 - Los Angeles, CA - Henry Fonda Theatre
09.11.07 - Los Angeles, CA - Henry Fonda Theatre
09.14.07 - Austin, TX - Zilker Park - Austin City Limits Festival
10.10.07 - Minneapolis, MN - First Avenue
10.15.07 - Toronto, Ontario - Phoenix Concert Theatre
10.20.07 - New York, NY - Roseland Ballroom

Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga tracklist:

Tokyo Police Club Start A Tokyo Police Club Fan Club And Tour

My favorite band in the whole wide world just started a fan club, and I'm in it! I get a free t-shirt and a hat and a poster and access to the online forums, and I get to buy front row seats before YOU and I get to read their super secret blog! However, since I'm promoting the fan club, I get to share some secret info with you! You're soooooo lucky to be reading Tiny Mix Tapes because you know you don't have enough money to join the fan club and I do cause daddy said I could. ["When you're standing there/Tokyo Police Club!"] Gawd, I love that song. Such great indie rock goodness with a little pop touch and robot lyrics! So saweet! OMG! I almost like totally forgot about the super secret info from the fan club that YOU ARE NOT IN! Lolz! Below is a post from Dave Monk's blog! He is like the singer of the band! He is soooo hott! Whateva you do, do not judge him or I'll judge you!

Dear Fans,

I just wanted to reach out to all of you and explain some of the things that I have been faced with recently. It's so funny how many stories are put out there about people. It's like we all want our side of the story out there as well, but at the end of the day only a few people care to hear what is really going on since the bad is always so much more interesting than the truth. I don't know why, but this is so weird to me. I used to be angry at the tabloids for printing horrible things about me, but now I try to just be numb to what I see. I saw Tyra Banks once get really upset and cry on her show because they made her look fat. We all want a certain image of ourselves out there, and at some point we all do really care what other people think or we wouldn't be here.

Recently, I was sent to a very humbling place called rehab. I truly hit rock bottom. Till this day I don't think that it was alcohol or depression. I was like a bad kid running around with ADD. I had a manager from a long time ago come in and try to direct me and my life after I got my divorce. I was so overwhelmed I think that I was in a little shock too. I didn't know who to go to. I realized how much energy and love I had put into my past relationship when it was gone because I genuinely did not know what to do with myself, and it made me so sad. I confess, I was so lost.

I am only human people and I love you for still loving me. I am sitting here at home and it is 6:25 and both of my sons are asleep. I am truly blessed to have them in my life. Everyday is so surreal. Life in general is so surreal and crazy. I just hope this letter made some of you think a little bit more of me and where I am coming from. I just want the same things in life that you want...and that is to be happy. It is just so weird because everyone has their own perception of me and how they think I really am. It is so weird how stories are told. There is your side, my side, and the truth. Somebody has to figure it out. I guess we will never really understand or figure out life completely. That's God's job. I can't wait to meet him...or her.

Love, Dave

OMG, he is so dreamy and hott and sexy and I want him to touch me in all the wrong places! He's been through so much, and it's just messed up how people treat him! Well, I am totally glad he is back on his feet and touring. Go see him and tell him you love him (but you'll never love him as much as me!) and buy his t-shirts! Oh and don't forget to say hi to the other band members, but like they matter! The only thing that matter is that Dave's sexy buns will be here:
07.17.06 - Grand Rapids, MI - The Intersection^
07.18.07 - Indianapolis, IN - Birdy's^
07.20.07 - Omaha, NE - Slow Down^
07.21.07 - Denver, CO - Larimer Lounge^
07.23.07 - San Francisco, CA - Independent^
07.25.07 - Los Angeles, CA - Troubadour^
07.26.07 - San Diego, CA - Beauty Bar^
07.27.07 - Scottsdale, AZ - Anderson's Fifth Estate
07.29.07 - Austin, TX - Emo's^
07.30.07 - Houston, TX - Meridian Red Room
07.31.07 - Dallas, TX - House Of Blues
08.01.07 - New Orleans, LA - The Republic
08.02.07 - Atlanta, GA - Vinyl
08.04.07 - Chicago, IL - Lollapalooza
08.07.07 - Washington, DC - Rock & Roll Hotel
08.08.07 - Baltimore, MD - Sonar
08.09.07 - Philadelphia, PA - Johnny Brenda's
08.10.07 - New York, NY - Bowery Ballroom
08.11.07 - Hoboken, NJ - Maxwell's
08.12.07 - Cambridge, MA - Middle East

^ Dappled Cities

UPDATE: Shoot, guess the secret isn't so secret anymore; here's a direct link to the Tokyo Police Club site. Wow, doesn't he look smokin'!?

No Age and Mika Miko Spend a Month Touring Europe; A Few of Us Probably Touring the Pizza Place on the Corner Later

Ah, Summer in Europe! Young people the world over flock to spend time marveling at many of the roots of western civilization. The Champs-Elysees! The Parthenon! Big Ben! Where artists are able to retrace the steps of Ernest Hemingway, Gertrude Stein, TMT writer Nat Towsen, and so many other artistic expatriates sick and tired of America’s limitations!

I have never been to Europe. I have, however, been to Los Angeles, the home city of No Age and Mika Miko. (The only real landmark I saw was the building where they shot Blade Runner.)

These roving, worldly bands of youngsters are bringing their respective brands of noisy, jubilant post-punk across the Atlantic. I have no advice to give them. I hope they have fun, and this seems like the sort of thing where they should call their parents once in awhile, just to check in.

No Age's debut full-length, Weirdo Rippers, was released in Europe yesterday and will be released via FatCat August 28. And if you really want to know what Mika Miko sound like and their MP3s and albums are not at your disposal, please make use of this handy, potentially inaccurate bass tab I just wrote for the introduction and verse of their song “Capricornications.”

--7-----------5-----------

------7---5-------5---3/5-
5---5---5---3---3---3-----

--------------------------

No Age and Mika Miko tourdates:

More Mika Miko tourdates:
08.02.07 - Pomona, CA - Glasshouse w/ Gravy Train!!!
08.03.07 - Los Angeles, CA - The Echo w/ Gravy Train!!!
08.05.07 - San Francisco, CA - Bottom of the Hill
08.06.07 - Sacto, CA - KFJC live radio performance
08.06.07 - Sacramento, CA - Fool Foundation w/ Twin, Mikaela’s Fiend
08.07.07 - Eureka, CA - accident Gallery
08.08.07 - Olympia, CA - Manium w/ Scream club, The Old Haunts
08.09.07 - Missoula, MT - TOTALFEST!!! - THE BADLANDER
08.10.07 - Seattle, WA - The Atlas Café
08.11.07 - Portland, OR - Satyricon w/ Johnny X and the Groadies
08.12.07 - Oakland, CA - 21 Grand w/ Twin, Sexy Prison, Mikaela’s Fiend, XBXRX
08.13.07 - San Luis Obispo, CA - Buchon House

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