New Pornographers to Tour, But Probably Not Anywhere Near Where You Live Unless You’re Paul Hogan or Something; Lazy Writers Forced to Revert to Previous Australia Stock Joke Following Steve Irwin’s Death

The New Pornographers are to tour Australia next month amid huge protests, after successfully waging their war of terror across the entire North American continent.

"Tests have shown this new pornography to be up to 50% hornier than traditional pornography, and as much as 65% steamier," Helen Coonan, Minister for Communications, Information Technology and the Arts, said. "We Australians are a simple folk with traditional values - we have no desire to see this in our country." Several family-values groups have already begun to campaign against the tour, imploring Australian citizens to think of the children. "BAN THIS SICK FILTH," ran Tuesday's headline in The Daily Telegraph.

The New Pornographers, including Dan "The Man Juice" Bejar, Neko "Dicks A-Plenty" Case, and "Long" John Collins once reduced an entire Midwestern town to a wild orgy of psychotic fappery after a recent show, which according to eyewitnesses, involved "towering spooge cannons," "knee-high waders covered in barbed wire," and "a goat."

The band is also playing one date in Spain and two dates in Japan in January. Tiny Mix Tapes advises exercising extreme caution and plenty of lubricant:

12.02.06 - Barcelona, SP - CCIB (w/ Teenage Fanclub, The Wrens, The Rapture)
12.08.06 - Melbourne, AUS - Meredith Music Festival
12.11.06 - Sydney, AUS - Factory
12.12.06 - Adelaide, AUS - Governor Hindmarsh
12.13.06 - Melbourne, AUS - Prince of Wales
12.14.06 - Melbourne, AUS - Prince of Wales
12.15.06 - Sydney, AUS - Gaelic Club
12.16.06 - Brisbane, AUS - Alfred?s Block Party
01.18.07 - Osaka, JAP - Club Quatro
01.19,07 - Tokyo, JAP - Shibuya O-East

Newsfeed