New Pornographers to Tour, But Probably Not Anywhere Near Where You Live Unless You’re Paul Hogan or Something; Lazy Writers Forced to Revert to Previous Australia Stock Joke Following Steve Irwin’s Death

The New Pornographers are to tour Australia next month amid huge protests, after successfully waging their war of terror across the entire North American continent.

"Tests have shown this new pornography to be up to 50% hornier than traditional pornography, and as much as 65% steamier," Helen Coonan, Minister for Communications, Information Technology and the Arts, said. "We Australians are a simple folk with traditional values - we have no desire to see this in our country." Several family-values groups have already begun to campaign against the tour, imploring Australian citizens to think of the children. "BAN THIS SICK FILTH," ran Tuesday's headline in The Daily Telegraph.

The New Pornographers, including Dan "The Man Juice" Bejar, Neko "Dicks A-Plenty" Case, and "Long" John Collins once reduced an entire Midwestern town to a wild orgy of psychotic fappery after a recent show, which according to eyewitnesses, involved "towering spooge cannons," "knee-high waders covered in barbed wire," and "a goat."

The band is also playing one date in Spain and two dates in Japan in January. Tiny Mix Tapes advises exercising extreme caution and plenty of lubricant:

12.02.06 - Barcelona, SP - CCIB (w/ Teenage Fanclub, The Wrens, The Rapture)
12.08.06 - Melbourne, AUS - Meredith Music Festival
12.11.06 - Sydney, AUS - Factory
12.12.06 - Adelaide, AUS - Governor Hindmarsh
12.13.06 - Melbourne, AUS - Prince of Wales
12.14.06 - Melbourne, AUS - Prince of Wales
12.15.06 - Sydney, AUS - Gaelic Club
12.16.06 - Brisbane, AUS - Alfred?s Block Party
01.18.07 - Osaka, JAP - Club Quatro
01.19,07 - Tokyo, JAP - Shibuya O-East

Fell in Love with a Twirl? The White Stripes Do Ballet? Yeah Right! Go Fetch Me a Coke!

Let's face it. I don't know much about ballet, and I'm not that cool. However, I am familiar with The White Stripes. Occasionally, while crying over a custom Jack White monster-ballad and a chilled bottle of Riesling, I find myself pondering what is missing in my life.

The answer is simple. The White Stripes music should be interpreted through ballet. This makes more sense than "buying the world a Coke." That was a dumb idea! Mr. White, what good would be done by buying every human being a Coke? What the world needs is a bad-ass ballet. And as I predicted, there will be a bad-ass ballet.

The ballet, set to the music of The White Stripes, is titled Chroma, and it is currently running at the Royal Opera House until November 29. The performance is part of a triple bill called "Royal Ballet," choreographed by Wayne McGregor. The performance was written by composer Joby Talbot, a former member of pop band The Divine Comedy.

The songs used in the ballet are from the newly released album Aluminium, which is an album of avant-garde orchestral recordings of past songs written by the Jack-meister himself. The only thing that confuses me about the whole thing is how the ballerinas and ballerina-dudes are going to perform "The Hardest Button to Button" while wearing spandex. I need spandex with buttons for this to make any logical sense.

In other "Jack White's life is more awesome than your life" news, The Raconteurs will have their own Saturday morning cartoon show on The Cartoon Network called, Broken Boy Soldiers Extreme Environmental Team to the Max!! Also there will be a car wash opening in Spokane, WA that will be based on the musical catalog of The White Stripes. The most amazing part of all of this will be that you can get your hair cut while you get your car washed. A stylist will hop right into your car while you both jam and clip to White Blood Cells. The car wash is aptly titled, "A Car Wash Where You Can Get Your Hair Cut While Your Car is Being Washed, and Somehow This Is All Based on the Music of The White Stripes."

Hey, that was all a joke. If you believed any of that, you might as well just kill yourself now. Wait! The part about the ballet was true. I hope you didn't kill yourself. Reader? READER??

Weird Weeds Embark On Totalitarian West Coast Tour, Replicate Same Pose in Every Restaurant to Wild Applause

Weird Weeds have had enough of you kids. Always "playing music," "hanging out," never getting any honest work done - probably the type who would wait until two in the morning to write a news article that needed to be posted at eight the following morning! Such laziness borders on disrespect! Although I'm sure this hypothetical newswriter would be very sorry for his actions and would make it a point to promptly write all necessary articles in the future, Weird Weeds have no pity for him or any of his kind [editor's note: same here].

Therefore, necessity demands that Weird Weeds will be going on tour this winter in support of Weird Feelings [TMT Review], backed up by members of the UCLA campus police. Anyone caught at any of these shows with any of the following will be subjected to punishment within reason - reason, UCLA campus police style!

- Poor posture
- Fingernail polish
- Menthol cigarettes
- Cinnamon gum
- Cavities
- Asymmetrical hairstyles
- The Flu
- Hoodie strings of uneven length
- Brown shoes w/ black pants
- Black shoes w/ brown pants
- Pennies

Additionally, whispering, cracking knuckles, and/or nodding heads are also strictly prohibited. That being said, have fun!

11.26.06 - Fort Worth, TX - The Chatroom @
11.28.06 - Albuquerque, NM - Burt's Tiki Lounge #
11.29.06 - Phoenix, AZ - The Trunk Space
11.30.06 - Los Angeles,CA - The Smell
12.01.06 - San Francisco, CA - Hemlock Tavern $
12.02.06 - Portland, OR - Holocene %
12.03.06 - Olympia, WA - Le Voyeur
12.04.06 - Vancouver, BC - The Lamplighter
12.05.06 - Seattle, WA - Sunset Tavern ^
12.07.06 - Oakland, CA - 21 Grand &
12.08.06 - Los Angeles, CA - Il Corral *
12.09.06 - Phoenix, AZ - Stinkweeds
12.14.06 - Austin, TX - Emo's ~

@ = w/ The Theater Fire
# = w/ The Lowlights
$ = w/ Moggs & Ferocious Eagle
% = w/Music Population & Mise en Abyme
^ = w/The Dead Science
& = w/Tarnation, Breezy Days Band & Jana Hunter
* = w/Brother Mitya, Bavab Bavab & The Vaginals
~ = w/ Shapes & Sizes

Dischord Records Offers Free Studio Time to Virgins

Think you got what it takes to something something? Have skills but never had the something to something something? Well Dischord's got something for you. With a li'l help from its friends (Inner Ear Studios and Ruffman Records/Swim-Two-Birds Studio), Dischord is offering free recording sessions at Inner Ear Studio to bands/projects in the DC area who are studio virgins.

Here are three examples of what bands might/should look like, along with studio virgin probability:

1. Bleeding Love on the Empty Canvas (80% studio virgin probability)

2. Topps Trading Cards (95% studio virgins, excluding middle dude)

3. Good, No Great Penmanship (63% studio virgins probability)

Applicants must live in the DC area, play original music, and contain 50% members who are 18 or younger. Because it wasn't indicated, there doesn't seem to be any sex or race restrictions (weird). Sessions, engineered by Hugh McElroy, last only five hours, so you better either be improv-based or you best know your shit. Wouldn't it be funny if all the applicants were noise acts? Man, I'd love to be there to see the look on their faces when a noise act starts playing! They'd all be like "Whaaaa??!!?" Looking at each other in astonishment and shit! Haha! Damn, too bad I have to work.

Click here for more info.

Nick Cave Jumps on Super-Group Bandwagon; Misses Point

So the Antipodean, gravelly-voiced, Kylie-killer has decided to form a new band called Grinderman. As new band names go, it's probably better than The Good, The Bad and The Queen, but the personnel doesn't really stack up. When you form a supergroup, you're meant to collect some really tight musicians from other bands and strike out for glory in bloated pretension. However, in his wisdom, Cave has just chosen three of the Bad Seeds and claimed that their new sound would be different enough that it makes no difference.

To be fair, he has a point. Go to their Myspace page (if you're into that sort of thing; personally I can't stand it any longer) to sample a new track entitled, rapturously, "No Pussy Blues." According to this other website I saw, Grinderman will make their debut at ATP in April.

Rumours of a guest appearance in Kylie's revitalised Showgirl tour are, as-yet, unconfirmed.

God Only Knows What We’d Do Without This Brian Wilson Doll (editor’s note: you’re fired)

Just in time for Christmas is the perfect gift for sandbox-slumming, wannabe firemen/fire women everywhere... the 1966 Brian Wilson action figure is finally here! Gone are the days when you had to sit, get stoned, and MacGyver a makeshift toy Wilson out of a potato, steel wool, and the power cable from a nearby lamp when you wanted to play rock-star dolls with your friends. You'll be able to bend him into a fetal position, spritz him with water, and sit him on top of your girlfriend's vibrator to simulate the shaking, sweating, neurotic Brian of days gone by. You can channel your aggressions into Brian by making him lose his marbles over the 42nd take of "Wind Chimes," fret over Phil Spector stealing songs from his mind, and generally refuse to record unless the vibes are positive. Really, is there anything this Brian Wilson doll can't do? (Answer: it probably won't get you laid.)

Okay, as far as recent patents go, it's not the most original (this is), but as doll designer (wha?) Mark London rightly states, "Hey, who wouldn't want a little 1966 Brian Wilson watching over their record collection or their recording studio?!" Duh. Everyone loves Brian Wilson, so expect these to sell like little deuce coupes. There is a limited run of 300 dolls that come autographed by the man himself, for the low, low price of $150, while regular "basic" figures sell for 75 smackers. The doll is available at Wilson's official website and at the two remaining shows on the current "Pet Sounds 40th Anniversary" tour, both in New York City:

11.21.06 - New York, NY – Beacon Theatre
11.22.06 - New York, NY – Beacon Theatre

In other BW news, according to Daily Variety, a Wilson biopic is in the works that has Wilson's approval and song rights secured, with cooperation from producer Mark Gordon (Saving Private Ryan) and longtime band biographer and friend David Leaf. We're just keeping our fingers crossed that the end result surpasses the made-for-tv movie Summer Dreams or Matt Dillon's thinly-veiled pastiche in Grace of My Heart.

Mike Love, not war... buy a doll.

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