NFL Bans Gary Glitter; Drunk Drivers, Wife Beaters, Coke Addicts and Murderers Still Welcome

What's worse than being on the UK's Sex Offender listing, getting expelled from Cambodia, and serving time in a Vietnamese prison for molesting two underage girls? Having your only recognizable hit song banned by the National Football League of course! Newsweek reports that the NFL, the nation's upholders of moral standards and decency, has issued a statement to its teams suggesting they discontinue playing ex-glam star and convicted child sex offender Gary Glitter's "Rock and Roll Part Two."

It's been rough sailing for Glitter (born Paul Francis Gadd) over the past decade; dude just can't get a break in this child porn/molestation racket, can he? Earlier this summer, a Vietnamese court upheld charges of child-molestation, meaning the former glam-rocker (as my Dad would describe him) will be serving three years in jail. Original charges of child rape were dropped last December due to a lack of evidence. In 1999, Glitter finally pleaded guilty to 54 charges of possessing child pornography after computer files were confiscated two years previously. The aged glamster has been been living in the southern Vietnamese resort of Vung Tau for the last year and has maintained that he is innocent claiming it all to be part of a conspiracy by UK tabloids.

A player, who only wanted to be known as Jacques "the cacques" Wacktackle may have given this quote regarding the NFL's statement, "I think this is a thing that has to be done. I mean, we get up to a lot of craziness on the road, but this is simply unacceptable. Animals are one thing, kids are another, I think. We've got to draw the line somewhere and play as a team and give 110 percent..." He then grunt-exhaled and pulled out the andro needle from his bum vein.

Certainly we haven't heard the last of this sure-fire audio crowd crack? NFL spokesman Brian McCarthy told venerable news outlet E! Online, "Most of the teams understand the reasons, and ultimately, it's their decision, but we encourage them not to play it. In terms of the music that's played, pre-game or halftime, that's controlled by the teams, not the NFL."

So while teams like the Denver Broncos and the Kansas City Chiefs have dumped the song from their stadium repertoire and chosen tunes for fans and from their suggestions (Big Bad Voodoo Daddy's "Go Daddy-o" and P.O.D.'s "Boom" respectively), there are rumors that others won't give up the Glitter ghost so soon and may stick to the "it's the singer, not the song" adage and use cover versions of "The Hey Song" (as it's more commonly known to football jockeys) to use during games.

Key-rist there's so many questions this limp, league-issued boycott provokes: What sort of effect will not playing this stadium standard have on fan participation (fingers are crossed for less "waves" and more streakers). Will this spur other leagues to think about issuing a similar "ban"? Will the NFL take this as a starting point and start to address the sick amount of problems associated with the league and its players that are too numerous to mention here but can be guessed at by re-reading the title of this story? What are the chances of Glitter's possible rendition of "Sweet Child O' Mine" ever seeing the light of day (so, soooo sorry everyone...)? Will the super-successful NFL Europe follow suit and suggest banning the song? Well, we can only say we don't know and we don't give a flying...duh, nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh...hey! duh nuh nuh nuh... TMT says good riddence to bad garbage, and bad tuneage too.

RIAA Temporarily Sets Aside Lawsuits Against Dead and Computerless Single Mothers To Yell at College Students Loitering On Their Lawn

Taking a page from alarmist Cold War propaganda, the RIAA has recently been distributing an informational anti-piracy DVD on college campuses in an effort to educate students on illegal file-sharing. So far, there has been a largely positive response nationwide; dozens of fraternities have set up public screenings on Friday nights with free pizza and soda for all attendees. Just kidding. The DVDs are being used as absinthe coasters and lock picks.

But it's not just alcoholic, drug-addled criminals that are railing against the RIAA's campaign; the Computer and Communications Industry Association, the Consumer Electronics Association, and advocacy group Public Knowledge all oppose the short film. In a joint statement, all three organizations urged those cooperating with distribution to "take a closer look at the inaccuracies, distortions and contradictions in the RIAA message." Aside from the usual fine-line-legality magic tricks, the presentation provides little information and relies heavily on "real life scenario" scare tactics and bitchin' guitar jams.

The centerpiece of the film is an interview with Derek "Mickey" Borchardt, a college student who was caught committing sonic thievery and faced heavy criminal charges. "I'm going to have to explain forever why I'm a felon," he explained. "That's never going to go away." Because file-sharing is on the same level of social deviancy as child molestation.

In response to mounting criticism and public disapproval, the RIAA has decided to hold a quick, impromptu race around the table in their leather chairs.

Austin, TX produces bands like TMT news writers produce crap opening sentences (well, this one at least). Stark and convoluted, cold and sexy, embryonic and futuristic, incongruous and rational (is that enough?), The Weird Weeds are the latest great band to turn heads as they straddle that tricky conventional/experimental divide. Strange newfound sounds are discovered, even after tons o' listens. I'm guessing I'm wrong, but I swear I heard a sound not unlike that of a tiny bat squealing the last few times I've listened to the band's Weird Feelings album. I should know – I caught one flying around my apartment last month, and while most bats don't give off sounds when they echolocate through the air, they make very distinct and eerie sounds when caught with a stove pot and a Sabbath record cover. I invited the bat back recently to visit and listen to the latest Weird Weeds album to see if he could shed any light onto his vocal behaviors and possible similarities to snippets of Weird Weeds songs. After downing the better half of a 60-pounder of whiskey together, bat got a little strange and I got a little hungry:

Bat: Weird Weeds are from Austin? I spent a week there one night. Boo-doom pissh!

Me: What a poorly done cymbal. Allllllright...? Yeah, Austin.

Bat: I was up for the role of comedy sound voice double for Cadet Jones in the first Police Academy, but I've got flat feet.

Me: What?

Bat: There's too much blood in my alcohol system stream...

Me: You're drunk. This is getting shitty.

Bat: I had amnesia once... maybe twice.

Me: Okay, enough of this nonsense. You've been here long enough.

Bat: How long a minute is depends what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Me (grabbing bat off the couch): Alright...

Bat: ...if #2 pencils are the most popular pencils, why are they still #2...

Recipe for Bat Soup:

- 1 bat (young, preferably)
- A suspicion of grated ginger
- A soupçon of coconut milk
- 1/2 can Guinness, 1/2 can chicken stock
- Chopped scallions
- Dash of secret "Seoul Spice"

We love Weird Weeds at TMTHQ, and we can't wait to see 'em on tour and show them how guests should act after consuming copious quantities of whiskey. The tour starts tonight in (where else) Austin! Look for a split single with Shapes and Sizes to be released this month on Asthmatic Kitty and a November/December tour to be confirmed very shortly. We'll let you know about that in our next Weird Weeds installment.

Go to these or go back to the hinterland, assbats:

09.06.06 - Austin, TX - Emo's
09.07.06 - Baton Rouge, LA - Red Star Bar
09.08.06 - Nashville, TN - Ruby Green #
09.09.06 - Knoxville, TN - The Pilot Light #
09.10.06 - Raleigh, NC - Bickett Gallery
09.11.06 - Baltimore, MD - Floristree Space
09.12.06 - Kutztown, PA - Good Vibes
09.13.06 - Gettyburg, PA - Emmaus
09.14.06 - Brooklyn, NY - Uncle Paulie's
09.15.06 - Manhattan, NY - The Cake Shop $
09.16.06 - Portland, ME - Space Gallery
09.17.06 - Amherst, MA - Hampshire College Dining Commons
09.18.06 - Cambridge, MA - Zeitgeist Gallery
09.19.06 - Rochester, NY - The Bug Jar
09.20.06 - Toronto, Ontario - Cameron House%
09.21.06 - Oberlin, OH - Cat in the Cream
09.22.06 - Chicago, IL - The Note
09.23.06 - Urbana, IL - Pygmalion Music Festival
10.25.06 - Austin, TX - Red's Scoot Inn ^

# w/ Peter and the Wolf
$ w/ The Dirty Projectors
% w/ Eric Chenaux & Alex Lukashevsky
^ w/ Wooden Wand

In America: Asobi Seksu globalize, tour this fall; In Japan: Playful Sex (Blurred Genitalia Galore!)

I can't believe TMT let me become a staff writer. I'm just Jethro at the Alta Vista trailer park out of Louisville, Kentucky. So I will admit that before I wrote this article, I thought Asobi Seksu were some sort of new energy drink that I could mix my Jack Daniels with. My wife shouted, "How the freak can an energy drink go on tour?" Don't worry: I silenced her with a snack of my little friend "Hand-tonio Banderas." That shut her up.

I decided to do a little detective work, and I got on this thing called the internets to look up the cryptic name. I assume you all have heard of this internets thing. It turned out that Asobi Seksu is a musical band, and their name means "Playful Sex." I laughed so hard that I fell ass-backwards off my stack o' bricks. That was the funniest thing I heard until my dog farted.

Well, I smelled that too!

So who doesn't enjoy cute Japanese women and rock music? And if you don't enjoy these things, then you probably hate America with a passion. I'll even go out on a limb and say that you are probably a terrorist. Why can't you just enjoy a cold beer, a slap of the wife, and a refreshing episode of Blue Collar TV? We aren't bigots like we used to be. It's nice to hear some music with gushy, foreign gibberish in it. Take Asobi Seksu, for instance. This New York quartet play eclectic indie pop in the vein of My Bloody Valentine, with vocals in both English and Japanese. See, there's enough proof we can get along with countries!

And hell, they even have a guy name Haji in the band.

It would be anti-American for you not catch this spectacle of assimilation when the diverse kids head out on a gigantic shaft of a fall tour in support of their fruity new effort, Citrus. They're even playing some shows with those fine young fellows Man Man. You can't get anymore American than that!

I'm gonna go get acquainted with Miss Pamela Handerson Lee, if you know what I mean!

Go America!

09.08.06 - New York City, NY - Bowery Ballroom *
09.14.06 - Boston, MA - Tufts University #
09.15.06 - Ithaca, NY - Cornell University
09.16.06 - Buffalo, NY - Soundlab
09.17.06 - Ottawa, ONT - Babylon
09.19.06 - Montreal, QC - Green Room @
09.20.06 - Toronto, ONT - Horseshoe
09.21.06 - Detroit, MI - Lager House
09.22.06 - Chicago, IL - Schubas
09.23.06 - Milwaukee, WI - Cactus Club
09.24.06 - Minneapolis, MN - 400 Bar
09.26.06 - Calgary, AB - HiFi Club
09.27.06 - Canmore, AB Canmore Hotel
09.28.06 - Vancouver, BC - Media Club
09.29.06 - Anacortes, WA - Department of Safety
09.30.06 - Seattle, WA - Chop Suey %
10.01.06 - Portland, OR - Holocene %
10.04.06 - Santa Cruz, CA - The Attic%
10.05.06 - Costa Mesa, CA - Detroit Bar %
10.06.06 - Los Angeles, CA - The Echo %
10.07.06 - San Diego, CA - Beauty Bar
10.10.06 - Tucson, AZ - Plush
10.11.06 - Albuquerque, NM - House Show
10.12.06 - Denver, CO - Hi Dive
10.15.06 - Indianapolis, IN - Radio, Radio
10.16.06 - Newport, KY - Southgate House
10.18.06 - Birmingham, AL - Bottletree
10.19.06 - Atlanta, GA - The Earl
10.20.06 - Knoxville, TN - Pilot Light
10.21.06 - Durham, NC - Troika Festival
11.11.06 - San Francisco, CA - Riott Festival at Bill Graham Civic Auditorium

* with Serena Maneesh
# with Man Man
@ with Dengue Fever
% with Darker My Love

Guys, I’ve Got THE Sweetest Thing To Tell You! Remember However Long Ago, When Those Blogs Were Putting Up Special Christmas-Themed Sufj- What? Who Told You? Damnit. Well, Guess We’re Done Here. See You Tomorrow.

Tracklisting for Noel: Songs for Christmas, Vol. I:

1. Silent Night
2. O Come O Come Emmanuel
3. We're Goin' to the Country!
4. Lo How A Rose E'er Blooming
5. It's Christmas! Let's Be Glad!
6. Holy Holy, etc.
7. Amazing Grace

Hark!: Songs for Christmas, Vol. II:

1. Angels We Have Heard on High
2. Put the Lights on the Tree
3. Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing
4. I Saw Three Ships
5. Only at Christmas Time
6. Once in Royal David's City
7. Hark! The Herald Angels Sing!
8. What Child Is This Anyway?
9. Bring a Torch, Jeanette, Isabella

Ding! Dong!: Songs for Christmas, Vol. III:

1. O Come, O Come Emmanuel
2. Come On! let's Boogey to the Elf Dance!
3. We Three Kings
4. O Holy Night
5. That Was the Worst Christmas Ever!
6. Ding! Dong!
7. All the King's Horns
8. The Friendly Beasts

Joy: Songs for Christmas, Vol. IV:

1. The Little Drummer Boy
2. Away in a Manger
3. Hey Guys! It's Christmas Time!
4. The First Noel
5. Did I Make You Cry on Christmas Day? (Well, You Deserved It!)
6. The Incarnation
7. Joy to the World

Peace: Songs for Christmas, Vol. V:

1. Once in Royal David's City
2. Get Behind Me, Santa!
3. Jingle Bells
4. Christmas in July
5. Lo! How A Rose E'er Blooming
6. Jupiter Winter
7. Sister Winter
8. O Come O Come Emmanuel
9. Star of Wonder
10. Holy, Holy, Holy
11. The Winter Solstice

Hey, sorry, forgot my hat. I'll be out of your hair in a second. Oh, by the way, you already heard about- Yeah. Exactly. Just checking. G'night:

09.11.06 - Nashville, TN - Ryman Auditorium #
09.15.06 - Austin, TX - Paramount Theater #
09.16.06 - Austin, TX - Paramount Theater #
09.19.06 - New Orleans, LA - House of Blues #
09.20.06 - Atlanta, GA - Fox Theater #
09.21.06 - Chapel Hill, NC - Memorial Hall #
09.23.06 - Indianapolis, IN - Egyptian Theater #
09.24.06 - St. Louis, MO - Pageant #
09.25.06 - Milwaukee, WI - Pabst Theater #
09.26.06 - Chicago, IL - Riviera #
09.28.06 - Philadelphia, PA - Tower Theatre #
09.29.06 - New York, NY - Town Hall #
09.30.06 - New York, NY - Town Hall #
10.01.06 - New York, NY - Town Hall #
10.09.06 - Los Angeles, CA - The Wiltern #
10.10.06 - Berkeley, CA - Zellerbach Hall #
10.11.06 - Berkeley, CA - Zellerbach Hall #
10.13.06 - Portland, OR - Crystal Ballroom #
10.14.06 - Vancouver, British Columbia - St. Andrew's Cathedral #
10.15.06 - Seattle, WA - Paramount #
11.01.06 - Dublin, Ireland - Olympia
11.02.06 - Manchester, England - Academy 2
11.03.06 - London, England - Barbican
11.05.06 - Ghent, Belgium - Voorhuit
11.07.06 - Barcelona, Spain - Casino L'Allanca
11.09.06 - Paris, France - Le Bataclan
11.10.06 - Cologne, Germany - Gloria
11.11.06 - Amsterdam, Holland - Paradiso
11.12.06 - Copenhagen, Denmark - Vega
11.14.06 - Oslo, Norway - Sentrum Scene
11.15.06 - Stockholm, Sweden - Berns
11.16.06 - Reykjavik, Iceland - Frikirkjan Church
11.17.06 - Reykjavik, Iceland - Frikirkjan Church

# w/ My Brightest Diamond

I Heard That You and Your Band Have Sold Your Guitars and Bought Turntables, MSTRKRFT Is A Stupid Name, Tour

Like adding a disco beat to a punk song, MSTRKRFT take a confused Future by the hand and lead it toward the lineup with a sign reading "over-hyped techno." In other news, James Murphy was recognized as a prophet and raptured up to heaven.

This will be happening all over America this fall:

09.08.06 - New York City, NY - Don Hills
09.09.06 - Philadelphia, PA - Click @ Medusa Lounge
09.10.06 - Toronto, ON - Virgin Festival @ Islands Park
09.14.06 - Orlando, FL - The Club @ Firestone
09.15.06 - Austin, TX - Factory People
09.16.06 - Houston, TX - A38
09.22.06 - Seattle, WA - The War Room
10.12.06 - Boston, MA - Bills Bar
10.13.06 - Baltimore, MD - Sonar
10.14.06 - Atlanta, GA - Mjq Concourse
10.20.06 - Seattle, WA - Chop Suey
10.21.06 - Portland, OR - Holocene
10.27.06 - Calgary, AB - The Warehouse
10.31.06 - Los Angeles, CA - Safari Sam's *
11.01.06 - San Francisco, CA - Mezzanine *
11.04.06 - Chicago, IL - Smart Bar

* w/ Justice

If there is no one dancing at a show, it's full of music journalists. -Mr. Pants

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