NFL Bans Gary Glitter; Drunk Drivers, Wife Beaters, Coke Addicts and Murderers Still Welcome

What's worse than being on the UK's Sex Offender listing, getting expelled from Cambodia, and serving time in a Vietnamese prison for molesting two underage girls? Having your only recognizable hit song banned by the National Football League of course! Newsweek reports that the NFL, the nation's upholders of moral standards and decency, has issued a statement to its teams suggesting they discontinue playing ex-glam star and convicted child sex offender Gary Glitter's "Rock and Roll Part Two."

It's been rough sailing for Glitter (born Paul Francis Gadd) over the past decade; dude just can't get a break in this child porn/molestation racket, can he? Earlier this summer, a Vietnamese court upheld charges of child-molestation, meaning the former glam-rocker (as my Dad would describe him) will be serving three years in jail. Original charges of child rape were dropped last December due to a lack of evidence. In 1999, Glitter finally pleaded guilty to 54 charges of possessing child pornography after computer files were confiscated two years previously. The aged glamster has been been living in the southern Vietnamese resort of Vung Tau for the last year and has maintained that he is innocent claiming it all to be part of a conspiracy by UK tabloids.

A player, who only wanted to be known as Jacques "the cacques" Wacktackle may have given this quote regarding the NFL's statement, "I think this is a thing that has to be done. I mean, we get up to a lot of craziness on the road, but this is simply unacceptable. Animals are one thing, kids are another, I think. We've got to draw the line somewhere and play as a team and give 110 percent..." He then grunt-exhaled and pulled out the andro needle from his bum vein.

Certainly we haven't heard the last of this sure-fire audio crowd crack? NFL spokesman Brian McCarthy told venerable news outlet E! Online, "Most of the teams understand the reasons, and ultimately, it's their decision, but we encourage them not to play it. In terms of the music that's played, pre-game or halftime, that's controlled by the teams, not the NFL."

So while teams like the Denver Broncos and the Kansas City Chiefs have dumped the song from their stadium repertoire and chosen tunes for fans and from their suggestions (Big Bad Voodoo Daddy's "Go Daddy-o" and P.O.D.'s "Boom" respectively), there are rumors that others won't give up the Glitter ghost so soon and may stick to the "it's the singer, not the song" adage and use cover versions of "The Hey Song" (as it's more commonly known to football jockeys) to use during games.

Key-rist there's so many questions this limp, league-issued boycott provokes: What sort of effect will not playing this stadium standard have on fan participation (fingers are crossed for less "waves" and more streakers). Will this spur other leagues to think about issuing a similar "ban"? Will the NFL take this as a starting point and start to address the sick amount of problems associated with the league and its players that are too numerous to mention here but can be guessed at by re-reading the title of this story? What are the chances of Glitter's possible rendition of "Sweet Child O' Mine" ever seeing the light of day (so, soooo sorry everyone...)? Will the super-successful NFL Europe follow suit and suggest banning the song? Well, we can only say we don't know and we don't give a flying...duh, nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh...hey! duh nuh nuh nuh... TMT says good riddence to bad garbage, and bad tuneage too.

Millions of TMT Readers Ban MySpace for Attempting to Sell Music Downloads, Tom Removes Them All From His Top 8 Friends

You all ready for the revolution? The website known to many as a "horrrendous use of code" or "the worst website coding in the world" is going to be entering the lucritive music download sales market. Not content to abuse the RAM of every computer whose web browser points at it, the megasite (who actually achieved more hits than Google or YouTube recently) decided that they needed to spread more DRM-friendly music all over the world.

The plan is to enable artist webpages to sell MP3 files directly from their MySpace site, as well as set their own prices. The profits earned by the sale of these files will then be split with the man who is everyone's friend, Tom.

Unfortunately, the project managers neglected to remember that the entirety of TMT's readership will be banning MySpace for their corporate whoredom, and thus, their budgets will likely be out of balance.

Millions of TMT readers can't be wrong!

Menomena Signs to Barsuk like Fucking Three Weeks Ago

I thought it was cool to be late with shit and to shit but, apparently, news isn't one of those things. The pricks here at TMT are now expecting us to actually do these news jobbers in a reasonable amount of time. Cunting fucks. Whoop-dee-doo, here's some fucking news.

As was reported on the Barsuk site August 18th, the label has come to terms with its Yankee-esque line-up, and — fkkn-a, there are a lot of hyphens in this write-up — I have brought in the Portland, OR wunderkinds of Menomena on a magic carpet of respect and billows of thick fucking smoke. Following a brief summary of who in the band plays what and where, Barsuk had this to say about its most recent addition,

"We don't know much more about Menomena, except that we're honored to be working with such mysterious and creative individuals, and we can't wait to hear what they come up with next."

Barsuk then stepped in a huge pile of shit and found a $20 bill underneath. Early next year, the relationship will yield Friend and Foe, Menomena's 2nd album and follow-up to 2003's debut, I am the Fun Blame Monster [TMT Review]. The relationship will also yield an upcoming tour with new labelmates What Made Milwaukee Famous (insert Milwaukee joke here) and The Long Winters.

Yeah, I know there are extra caps in these tourdates... what of it?

09.22.06 - ATLANTA , GA - Smith's Old Bar [
09.23.06 - CARRBORO , NC - Local 506 [
09.26.06 - CHARLOTTESVILLE , VA - Satellite Ballroom [
09.27.06 - BALTIMORE , MD - Sonar [
09.28.06 - PHILADELPHIA , PA - World Cafe Live [
09.29.06 - NEW YORK , NY - Bowery Ballroom [
10.03.06 - MONTREAL , CAN - La Sala Rossa ]
10.04.06 - TORONTO , CAN - Lee's Palace [
10.05.06 - DETROIT , MI - Magic Stick [
10.06.06 - CHICAGO , IL - Subterranean [
10.07.06 - MINNEAPOLIS , MN - Triple Rock

[ w/ The Long Winters, and What Made Milwaukee Famous
] w/ The Long Winters

Someone Must Have Been Speaking Praise of Josef K, Because An Album Is Finally Getting Released In The United States

The Kafka museum in Prague is pretty damn awesome. Not only do they have facsimilies of a good deal of Kafka's handwritten diaries and manuscripts (most of the real shit's in England, due to a history of pilaging), but they've got photos of all of his friends and these rooms built to encapsulate the joy, openness, and freedom found in Kafka novels. Unfortunately, the museum makes no mention of Scottish band Josef K, the greatest entity ever to be named after a Kafka character (at least until my Gregor Samsa Bug Off (tm) hits the shelves).

Well, luckily Domino Records U.S. cares about the fate of (GET READY FOR THE MOST OVERUSED PHRASE IN MUSIC JOURNALISM) seminal post-punk band (WHEW!) Josef K. An anthology entitled Entomology is due out on November 7. The album is the third in Domino's "The Sound of Young Scotland" series, following Orange Juice and The Fire Engines. This is exciting news, because no Josef K albums have EVER been released in the United States, meaning the cost of buying an album on import is high in both money and intimidation.
22 reasons to buy:

1. "Radio Drill Time" (Postcard 7" Version)
2. "It's Kinda Funny" (Postcard 7" Version)
3. "Final Request" (B-side of "It's Kinda Funny" single)
4. "Heads Watch" (from aborted album Sorry For Laughing)
5. "Drone" (from aborted album Sorry For Laughing)
6. "Sense of Guilt" (from aborted album Sorry For Laughing)
7. "Citizens" (from aborted album Sorry For Laughing)
8. "Variation of Scene" (from aborted album Sorry For Laughing)
9. "Endless Soul" (from aborted album Sorry For Laughing)
10. "Sorry For Laughing" (Postcard 7" Version)
11. "Revelation" (B-side to "Sorry For Laughing 7")
12. "Chance Meeting (Postcard 7" Version)
13. "Pictures (of Cindy)" (B-side to "Chance Meeting 7")
14. "Fun 'N' Frenzy" (from The Only Fun in Town)
15. "Crazy to Exist" (from The Only Fun in Town)
16. "Forever Drone" (from The Only Fun in Town)
17. "Heart of Song" (from The Only Fun in Town)
18. "16 Years" (from The Only Fun in Town)
19. "The Angle" (from The Only Fun in Town)
20. "Heaven Sent" (Peel Session, June 22nd, 1981)
21. "The Missionary" (Peel Session, June 22nd, 1981)
22. "Applebush" (Peel Session, June 22nd, 1981)

If you're a visual person, Josef K videos can be found here; if you're a literary person, Kafka's stories might be even more relevant in these troubled times; and if you're a people person, go out and spread the news. Josef K: Start your morning right.

So Many Dynamos Tour MidweststewdiM ruoT somanyD ynaM oS

To support their latest album, Flashlights [TMT Review], St. Louis's So Many Dynamos are once again venturing out on tour! Excitement! Danger! Whoo! Spazzed-out, quirky, dance punk! All shall accompany So Many Dynamos as they trudge tirelessly through the deep and treacherous snows of poorly-named Hot Springs, Arkansas and the bear-filled territory of Beloit, Wisconsin. Who knows what dangers may befall our heroes as they battle their way through the desolate plains of Chic-A-Go or the mythical land of Houston, Texas. How many Bartles will need to be slain as our band of warriors battle their way through Bartlesville, Oklahoma? And all to perform for you, the charming lad who has never ventured beyond his provincial upbringings in Springfield, Missouri. So go! Go and purchase a ticket! A chance to see these fabled heroes, a chance to witness their glory!


09.10.06 – St. Louis, MO – University City Loop
09.12.06 – Chicago, IL – Empty Bottle
09.13.06 – DeKalb, IL – House Cafe
09.14.06 – Minneapolis, MN – 7th Street Entry
09.15.06 – Beloit, WI – Beloit University
09.16.06 – Decatur, IL – Millikin University
09.18.06 – Springfield, MO – Outland Ballroom
09.19.06 – Little Rock, AR – Whitewater Tavern
09.20.06 – Hot Springs, AR – The Exchange
09.21.06 – Lake Charles, LA - TBA
09.22.06 – Houston, TX – Walters on Washington
09.23.06 – San Antonio, TX – Midtown Pizza
09.24.06 – Austin, TX – Emo's
09.25.06 – Oklahoma City, OK – The Conservatory
09.26.06 – Bartlesville, OK – The Wherehouse
09.27.06 – Kirksville, MO – Dukum Upp
09.28.06 – Sioux Falls, SD – Discordia
09.29.06 – Des Moines, IA – Vaudeville Mews
09.30.06 – Omaha, NE – Sokol Underground
10.01.06 – Edwardsville, IL – Glen Carbon Senior Center

RIAA Temporarily Sets Aside Lawsuits Against Dead and Computerless Single Mothers To Yell at College Students Loitering On Their Lawn

Taking a page from alarmist Cold War propaganda, the RIAA has recently been distributing an informational anti-piracy DVD on college campuses in an effort to educate students on illegal file-sharing. So far, there has been a largely positive response nationwide; dozens of fraternities have set up public screenings on Friday nights with free pizza and soda for all attendees. Just kidding. The DVDs are being used as absinthe coasters and lock picks.

But it's not just alcoholic, drug-addled criminals that are railing against the RIAA's campaign; the Computer and Communications Industry Association, the Consumer Electronics Association, and advocacy group Public Knowledge all oppose the short film. In a joint statement, all three organizations urged those cooperating with distribution to "take a closer look at the inaccuracies, distortions and contradictions in the RIAA message." Aside from the usual fine-line-legality magic tricks, the presentation provides little information and relies heavily on "real life scenario" scare tactics and bitchin' guitar jams.

The centerpiece of the film is an interview with Derek "Mickey" Borchardt, a college student who was caught committing sonic thievery and faced heavy criminal charges. "I'm going to have to explain forever why I'm a felon," he explained. "That's never going to go away." Because file-sharing is on the same level of social deviancy as child molestation.

In response to mounting criticism and public disapproval, the RIAA has decided to hold a quick, impromptu race around the table in their leather chairs.