Case Number: TMT-420-LOL
Incident: Breaking and Entering, Theft
Reporting Officer: Constable T. Peters
Date of Report: 31 May 2013
At approximately 0145hrs on 31 May 2013, I was parked outside my ex-girlfriend’s house because I know her new boyfriend is afraid of cops. At 0146hrs I received a call reporting a possible breaking and entering event a few blocks over at 1269 East Hamilton, so I zipped up and headed over.
Upon arrival I met Mrs. Warren on the street, she waved me down and I pulled over. She immediately began shouting, after calming her down a bit I got her to explain that there were a “coupla punk rock lookin’ fellahs” in her apartment. She explained that they had been on the scene since approximately 0015hrs, when she mistook one of them for her husband and had attempted to romantically engage him. Since that time she had been unable to convince them to stop stealing her things.
Moments later the “punk rock lookin’ fellahs” emerged from the staircase, one bearing a waffle iron, the other a box marked “dildos.” As they drew closer I realized that they were not in fact “punk rockers” at all, but rather “indie rockers.” I enquired as to what their aim was. The taller of the two explained that “indie rock was a hard game,” and asked me if I read New York Magazine or listened to Grizzly Bear. I informed them that I usually gave bears of all stripes a wide berth. Apparently the two indie rock lookin’ fellahs made up a group called No Age, and had been stealing objects from people’s apartments for the past several months so they could pawn them and make rent.
The smaller of the pair insisted that they had plans of releasing An Object on August 19 in the UK and Europe and on August 20 in North America with the help of Sub Pop. When pressed for which object in particular they were referring to (and if they would be returning Mrs. Warren’s waffle iron), they merely snickered. They claimed whichever object they ended up releasing would follow up Everything in Between though they did not respond when asked “Everything in between what?” They went on to mutter about how they’d recorded with an accomplice named F. Bermudez in Los Angeles at Gaucho’s Electronics. Additionally they spoke in heightened self-congratulatory tones and referred to themselves in the third person, all the while ducking my questions. For example: “guitarist Randy Randall corrals his previously lush, spastic, sprawling arrangements into taught, refined rats’ nests” and “Lyrically Spunt challenges space, fracturing ideological forms.” It is this officer’s impression that they were high on drugs.
An Object tracklisting:
01. No Ground
02. I won’t Be Your Generator
03. C’mon Stimmung
05. An Impression
06. Lock Box
07. Running From A-Go-Go
08. My Hands, Birch and Steel
09. Circling With Dizzy
10. A Ceiling Dreams of a Floor
11. Commerce, Comment, Commence