Not Sure If Anyone Has Reported This Yet, But The Raconteurs Are Releasing Their New LP Next Tuesday

In the spirit of the quick turn-around between the completion and actual release of the new Raconteurs album, here is a short news story (because we, as a race -- the human race -- don't have time to wait for a finished record, and we don't have time for long news stories):

The LP is called Counselors of the Lonely (Third Man/XL/Warner), and it comes out March 25 on CD, LP, and digital formats, like the single 320kb MP3 posted on the band's website. They're also going on a short Western U.S. (with a little dip into Canada) tour, including a two-day stint at Stubb's BBQ, which I am sure is more prestigious than it sounds.

For my final act, I will now paint you a word picture using the list of all the words that were capitalized in Brendan, Jack, Patrick, and Jack's press release: EVERYWHERE, EVERY FORMAT AT ONCE, EXACT SAME TIME, THEN, FOR YOU, IMMEDIATELY, NOT, REACTION.

Consolers of the Lonely tracklist:

Not Sure If Anyone Has Reported This Yet, But The Raconteurs Are Releasing Their New LP Next Tuesday

In the spirit of the quick turn-around between the completion and actual release of the new Raconteurs album, here is a short news story (because we, as a race -- the human race -- don't have time to wait for a finished record, and we don't have time for long news stories):

The LP is called Counselors of the Lonely (Third Man/XL/Warner), and it comes out March 25 on CD, LP, and digital formats, like the single 320kb MP3 posted on the band's website. They're also going on a short Western U.S. (with a little dip into Canada) tour, including a two-day stint at Stubb's BBQ, which I am sure is more prestigious than it sounds.

For my final act, I will now paint you a word picture using the list of all the words that were capitalized in Brendan, Jack, Patrick, and Jack's press release: EVERYWHERE, EVERY FORMAT AT ONCE, EXACT SAME TIME, THEN, FOR YOU, IMMEDIATELY, NOT, REACTION.

Consolers of the Lonely tracklist:

April Showers Bring May Flowers, Also A Dead Meadow Tour

What do fresh green grass, tiny adorable baby lambs, and swirling, droning guitars all have in common? Why, they're harbingers of spring, of course! And if you're getting tired of those pastel-colored marshmallow chickens and rabbits that make your teeth hurt, then this April/May holds the perfect solution to the sweetness and light that have been plaguing the season. That's right, just in time to complement the budding roses of spring comes a Dead Meadow tour. The psychedelic sludge rock band, beloved by stoner metal fans and hipsters alike, is hitting the road for an extensive tour of the United States, as well as a brief but titillating dip into Canada.

The list of dates is long, so I'll let the itinerary just speak for itself.

* Indian Velcro Lewis

Australian Woman Murders Boyfriend Because He Wouldn’t Let Her Listen To Bruce Springsteen

A week ago, an Australian woman Karen Lee Cooper pleaded guilty to stabbing her boyfriend to death. She claims that her motive was that he didn't like her listening to Bruce Springsteen's music.

The Australian Associated Press reports that the Supreme Court of Bisbane sentenced Cooper to eight comfy years in prison. Trying to get out of the sentence could lead Cooper to be "Wanted: dead or alive," some might say.

According to the Courier Mail newspaper, Cooper told police "I couldn't even play Bruce Springsteen on my stereo. Can you believe that? Can you believe that?"

When being bossed around by her boyfriend, Kevin Watson, she probably felt like shout-singing, "Shot through the heart, and you're to blame." Now, living with what she has done, she will most likely be "Livin' on prayer."

Bruce Stringsteen is an American, singer-songwriter, known for his Top 40 hits, "It's My Life" and "Have a Nice Day."

Phew, good thing I didn't screw up this article by making light of a tragic situation. Please, just do not date anyone that has opposite taste in music.

What do you get when you cross the latest country LP by Neil Hamburger with Drag City? A shitty album you can’t get rid of.

After graciously hosting a joke-writing contest earlier this year and pleasing audiences the world over with jokes like.......

- What do Osama Bin Laden and Chevy Chase have in common?
- Neither one has released a new film in the last year.

- How do you keep flies from landing on your Big Mac?
- Unwrap it.

- Why did Julia Roberts rub shit on her vagina?
- Because she was horny.

- What did Santa Claus give Paris Hilton for Christmas?
- Well, he raped her.

- Why did Metallica cut their hair?
- Their hairdresser said it was the only way to get all that matted cum out of it.

- What do you call five fingers that are grasping a small boy's penis?
- The Jackson Five.

...Neil Hamburger has gone and recorded a COUNTRY album. Titled Neil Hamburger Sings Country Winners, Drag City has the fortunate/unfortunate task of releasing the album April 21. Hamburger's band includes guitarist Dave Gleason, bassist Atom Ellis, Rachel Haden (Rentals, Weezer), and pedal steel player Joe Goldmark. Alright, take it away Hamburger:

For those who aren't interested, and would prefer to hear only the Jokes, I have ten other albums out filled to the rafters with side-splitting gags. And there will be plenty of laughs in this music as well, not all of it related to my inability to sing in tune. There will also be many tears shed, at the pain, that is documented, in song.

Check out a sample of his "music" here.

Thank you ladies and gentlemen. My name is Mango Starrrrrrrrrrr. You've been great. Good night. Fuck you.

Stop taunting me with your awesome lineup, Estrella Damm Primavera Sound festival! Stop shining a totally kickass rock ‘n’ roll spotlight on how there is absolutely no way, either geographically or financially, that I will be able to attend your late spring smörgåsbord of incredible bands. But for those of you able to jet off to Barcelona, the festival has announced some killer new additions to the roster. And for those of you -- like me -- unable to make your way to Spain, I would suggest that you just stop reading now. Because some of this is going to hurt.

Question: What could make a lineup already consisting of artists like 808 State, Bon Iver, Boris, Cat Power, Clipse, Deerhunter, Dr. Octagon, Ellen Allien, The Go! Team, Health, Holly Golightly & the Brokeoffs, Mary Weiss of The Shangri-Las, Mission of Burma, No Age, Pissed Jeans, Portishead, Public Enemy, Rufus Wainwright, Sebadoh, Simian Mobile Disco, Stephen Malkmus & the Jicks, Throbbing Gristle and Young Marble Giant and more (OMG soooo much more!) even better?

I have 16 words for you: garage punk legends the Sonics make their European debut 40 or so years after their formation. Oh yeah -- there's also the addition of seminal artists like Devo and Shellac, along with newer but no less awesome favorites like Explosions in the Sky, Devastations, Times New Viking, Mount Eerie, Moho, MGMT, Bestia Ferida, La Estrella de David, The wave Pictures, Matt Elliot, Mi and l'Au, SJ Esau, La Orquesta del Caballo Ganador, and The Clientele.

It's enough to make me want to take out another student loan.