Now This Is What It’s Like When Worlds Collide, Now This Is What It’s Like: Acid Mothers Guru Guru Tour

At my (real) place of employment — we'll call it a warehouse job — the employees are allowed use of the Musicmatch Jukebox. This is a luxury no other previous workplace I've encountered has afforded its employees, so we all feel very privileged.

But, more than a privilege, it's a responsibility.

But no one IS responsible; we're all a bunch of greedy fucks. No one takes turns: everyone puts their track selections ahead of everyone else's; people select outrageous amounts of music. Worst, no one has any sense of decency when selecting picks in music tracks — there's a lot of R. Kelly, shitty reggaeton, and Top 40 R&B.

Come to think of it, maybe the true crime is that which is not available through the service — 95% of The Beatles' catalog, good Captain Beefheart, the early Suicide albums, etc.

But I was surprised to see one Acid Mothers Temple album, Electric Heavyland, and so I selected the first track, the 15-minute "Atomic Rotary Grinding God/Quicksilver Machine Head." Not two minutes of the track played until it was skipped by Krista over to Powerman 5000, which caused her to lip-synch and bop her head in delight. Now, I guess, this is what it's like when worlds collide. Now this is what it's like.

Out there in the real world, when Tsuyama Atsushi and Kawabata Makoto of Acid Mothers Temple and Mani Neumeier of Guru Guru collide, they become Acid Guru's Temple — no, Acid Mothers Guru Guru, and then they go on a U.S. tour:

Eric Copeland of Black Dice is a Mysterious Hermaphrodite Who Likes to Have Relations with Grizzly Bears. Not Grizzly Bear the Band, But Actual Grizzly Bears. Oh, and He’s Releasing His First Solo Album in August.

The word "hermaphrodite" can explain many different things. For one, it can define the sexual orientation of a person. For instance, there is a staff member at TMT who is a hermaphrodite. Can you guess which one? It rhymes with Ant Murdem. The word "hermaphrodite" can also mean the combination of two opposite qualities or extremes. When thinking of the experimental voyage of Black Dice, you may often hear sounds that are contradicting and disparate. This experience is akin to Eric Copeland, member of Black Dice and Terrestrial Tones, and his solo music. So how fitting is it for Copeland's first solo effort to be titled Hermaphrodite?

It is a perfectly fine-ass fit for Copeland and a much anticipated, if not, mysterious release. And we often associate these compelling atmospheric loops and layers with the unknown. According to Paw Tracks, the sexy label releasing Hermaphrodite: "like a good mix tape, Hermaphrodite flips the listener with each new song, engaging them to keep up, make the connections, and, ultimately, enjoy." Now that doesn't sound too mysterious. So to clear things up, I did some research, and in classic Emceegreg fashion, I slept on that research and a bag of Cheetos for three days straight. My conclusions of the life of Copeland are exalting and are as follows:

- Hermaphrodite will be released August 14, 2007. This is the same day as Emceegreg's birthday. Concidence?

- Eric Copeland is often mistaken as Eric Stoltz by New York City passerby. This enrages Copeland, not because he dislikes Stoltz' work, but because they think Copeland is the Stoltz' character from the Cher-tastic film, Mask.

- Eric Copeland made some of this album to work with the films of visual artists Theo Angel, Yuki Kimura, and Jim Mickle.

- Eric Copeland is only "doin' the music thang" to upstage his brother, Bjorn.

- Eric Copeland will be touring throughout North America sometime this year. Only Oprah's vag (va-jay-jay) knows exactly when this will occur.

- Black Dice will be releasing a new full-length on Paw Tracks in October, including a North American tour.

- Eric Copeland will be staring in the film Grizzly Man 2: Back in Action. The film will document Copeland's enthusiastic but trite love affair with an Alaskan grizzly bear named Scarla. The film will win many awards.

- Eric Copeland hates Emceegreg. They are mortal enemies but have much respect for one another at the same time.

Hermaphrodite tracklist:

The New Pornographers Tour, Joe Francis Doesn’t

WARNING: The following story contains material not suitable for children.

Ever wonder what happens what you take an all-star band of absolutely outrageous co-eds, get a few instruments in ‘em, put them all up on stage together, and fly them all around North America for a summer???

Of COURSE you have!!!

(Cue the Hawaiian Party music, please)

Introducing British Columbia’s own New Pornographers, Uncut, UN-fettered, and UN-leashed!!!

This summer, you can hear ALL of what you’ve been missing (and we mean ALL of it!) on the new Challengers LP, on sale August 21 from Matador, and catch eyeful after unbelievable eyeful of the sensuous action as the colorful cast tours the continent in search of the hottest clubs, theaters, and festivals around!

That’s right! These seven sexy singles are packing themselves into a tour bus and bearing it ALL while they support the release of their fourth studio album. But when the houselights turn OFF, these rowdy boys and girls turn ON... if you get my awkward innuendo!

WATCH all the action as Neko Case and A.C. Newman let it all hang out at the Pitchfork Festival Afterparty in Chicago...

LOOK-ON as Dan Bejar and Kathryn Calder end up “accidentally” sharing a hotel room together in Seattle...

OBSERVE as I run dangerously low on synonyms...

But that’s not all! Order NOW and receive a complementary MP3 download of the song “My Rights Versus Yours” from The New Pornographers’ website FREE with your purchase!!! Man, this band is Outta-control Krazy!!! You’ve got to hear/see it to believe it!

Don’t miss your chance to see the most outrageously out-of-control show in Indie Rock! Don’t make me use another exclamation point! Just look at theeeeeese beauties:

The Challengers LP is NOT available in stores! (Yes it is!)

Call Now! (Don’t call anywhere!)

Iceland. The word rarely has the chance to breathe before the ethnocentric in all of us quickly jumps up whenever the country’s name is spoken and spurts “cold,” “weird,” and “northern” before downing the last of our cigs and Silver Bullets and drifting off to dreamland mumbling something that sounds like “ bunchh neer f‘fn sslandinavbian....”

But did you know:

- Phonebooks in Iceland list residents by their first name because most Icelanders practice patronymic and matronymic name calling... who knew? You?

- Lots of people fish in Iceland. Surely this is strange for an island community, no?

- There is a ring road in Iceland that links many cities together. Roads linking cities? Wow. I... am... truly... speechless!

Iceland, with its phonebooks, fishing, and roads, doesn’t seem that different from Porkey, PA, Chicken, AK, or Yeehaw Junction, FL, but different it is. We can read all of the useless trivia we want, but us last-name cataloging nitwits will never come close to understanding this peculiar republic unless we all go over and spend a month in a turf house writing Nordic sagas after consuming large amounts of Brennívin and pickled ram testicles. A more palatable option for “coldweirdnorthern” comprehension is to learn a little about Ice-island culture through enjoying their artists: poets, writers, composers, and for our purposes, their musicians.

Normally, Tiny Mix minions throughout the land do this by embracing the bigger Icelandic stars like müm, Sigur Rós, and Björk. Like those incredibly odd and incredibly talented artists, umpteen-piece pop orchestra Benni Hemm Hemm will soon be commanding some attention of their own Stateside when they undertake their first U.S. tour.

Benni Hemm Hemm -- which is either Icelandic for “Birdy Num Num” or the nickname of band leader Benedikt Hermann Hermannsson -- released their debut album in May on Morr Music called Kajak. If you are not familiar with the band, our very own master bird-watcher, raconteur, “extreme fencing” instructor, and resident BDSM dominant with a knack for knots Jeffrey Canino thought this about the album. There. Now you’ve read the review and you’ve read the news tour blurb. I guess the only thing left to read is a completely unrelated and wholly inappropriate and nonsensical Led Zeppelin and Benni Hemm Hemm/Iceland-referencing lyric mash-up: “Ah-hah-aaaaaa-ah! Ah-hah-aaaaaa-ah!/ Come from the land of the ice and snow from the midnight sun where the glaciers glow/ Hemm Hemm of the Gods/ We drive our tour trucks to new land/ To fight the self-important TV chefs, celebrity poseur whores, and douchebag politico pundits/ America I am comii-iii-iii-iing...!”

Benni Hemm Hemm: their only goal will be the Western shore:
07.05.07 - New York, NY - Mercury Lounge
07.06.07 - Cambridge, MA - Middle East, Upstairs
07.07.07 - Hoboken, NJ - Maxwell’s
07.08.07 - Cleveland, OH - Beachland Tavern
07.09.07 - Chicago, IL - Empty Bottle
07.10.07 - Minneapolis, MN - 7th St. Entry
07.13.07 - Seattle, WA - Crocodile Café
07.14.07 - Portland, OR - Towne Lounge
07.16.07 - San Francisco, CA - Bottom of the Hill
07.17.07 - Los Angeles, CA - The Echo
07.18.07 - Phoenix, AZ - Paperheart
07.20.07 - Austin, TX - Emo’s
07.21.07 - Houston, TX - Proletariat
07.24.07 - Atlanta, GA - Drunken Unicorn
07.25.07 - Wilmington, NC - Bella Festa
07.26.07 - Washington, DC - Rock and Roll Hotel
07.27.07 - Philadelphia, PA - Johnny Brenda’s
07.28.07 - New York, NY - Union Hall

Jay Reatard (ex-Reatards, Lost Sounds, Bad Times, Final Solutions, Terror Visions, Destruction Unit, Nervous Patterns, current Evil Army) Gets Off His Lazy Ass and Tours

Reasons Jay Reatard is Cool:

- Displays stick-to-itiveness by retaining nickname he adopted in his mid-teens.

- My friend Liz says so, and she regularly gives me free stuff from the coffee shop where she works.

- Cool Go-Betweens cover on his new "I Know a Place" 7-inch.

- Swears sometimes.

- Has been constantly recording music for over a decade and has toured the world multiple times in near-countless bands.

- I am sorry for copping out and using the list format.

- Has mounted a tour of southern Europe and eastern North America.

- Released his solo debut Blood Visions and a new a 12-inch single, entitled "Night of Broken Glass" on In the Red Records, known for releasing material by The Ponys, Sparks, The Black Lips, and other luminaries.

- In spite of its high-profile release and subsequent tour, retains underground appeal after blogs refer to the single as “the sort of crusty nugget that will make students of the post-punk era wish they studied harder.”

If You’re Thinking of Being An Akron/Family Groupie, Here Are Some Awesome, Somewhat Famous Places You Should Check Out Throughout Their Tour

So you've already packed your bags, loaded up your debit account with funds, and are waiting for each venue to begin selling tickets. Okay, after you've bought all of your tickets and are well on your way to the first show, you may start thinking, "Wow, if I'm going to be doing this for a while, I should totally check out some really cool landmarks and vacation hot-spots!"

That my friends, is where I come in. Using my excellent tourist intuition, I'll direct you to all the right places. But first off, let's cover one thing quickly: Akron/Family is an excellent band that totally owns ass (your ass, ya damn groupie), and that's why you want to be a groupie right? Right! Okay, let us continue! Today I will select five special places for you to visit while on your exciting trip to see Akron/Family more than they want to see your screaming groupie face. You will be passing through all of these cities, I promise. Let's begin:

Awesome Famous Place/Landmark #1

The Michigan Soldiers' And Sailors' Monument (Detroit, MI)

*It's an awesome Civil War monument, check it out and buy some postcards while you're at it!

Awesome Famous Place/Landmark #2

All The Oak Trees In Raleigh (Raleigh, NC)

*Just walk around the city and find out why it's really called the "City of Oaks"! Take some pictures!

Awesome Famous Place/Landmark #3

The Horseshoe At Ohio State University (Columbus, OH)

*Their football stadium is a fucking horseshoe! How rad! Be sure to take a tour!

Awesome Famous Place/Landmark #4

The National War Memorial in Ottawa (Ottawa, ON)

*This isn't just any ol' war memorial; it's in Confederation Square. That has to mean something. Marry someone in front of it!

Awesome Famous Place/Landmark # 5

Strip Clubs (Portland, OR)

*It's a known fact that Portland has more strip clubs per capita than any city in America. I don't think you can take pictures at these famous places, but you can most certainly try.

I highly recommend all the above places (and Akron/Family!), five stars to each and every one of 'em. Expect news of a new Akron/Family LP soon, but for now, I'm sure your crazy groupie ass just wants some tourdates, so here you are (I've even used annoying asterisks to mark which cities the Awesome Famous Places/Landmarks are!):

* Awesome Famous Place/Landmark #1

** Awesome Famous Place/Landmark #2

*** Awesome Famous Place/Landmark #3

**** Awesome Famous Place/Landmark #4

***** Awesome Famous Place/Landmark #5

[Photo: MK12]

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