The Most Serene Republic: “They make cool music AND know Kevin Drew.”

My phone’s been ringing all day. I swear, it’s the fucking telemarketers – why don’t these people get real jobs? I mean, usually when someone harasses you, ya get to call the cops. But these guys? No. They make money off it. And what makes them think I want the new Okkervil River CD anyway? This is an invasion of privacy. Where’s my piece of mind for... ((RING! F-in RING!)) One sec.

Hello? Yeah, I saw them on Conan. Yeah, I’ve seen the new video, too. I still don’t want it. No, stop calling here. Yes, I know TMT liked their last record.

Wait, how many easy payments is it? Wow, that is a good deal. Okay, gimme a minute to dig out my card. Stop rushing me, I'm acting fast... It comes with a complimentary jewel case and list of upcoming tourdates? Oh crap, amazing. I am gonna be the coolest guy on the block. Okay, my credit card number is XXXX-XXXX-XXXX-XXXX. Hey, where’d you go? Hello? Hello?

# Damien Jurado

% Vic Chesnutt

BMI Promises a Pay Day Full of Nuts When Distributing $732 Million in Royalties; Music Industry Heading Toward Licensing

Broadcast Music, Inc. (BMI) has announced that it will distribute more than $732 million in royalties for the 2006-2007 fiscal year to its (presumably) starving songwriters, copyright owners, and composers. This is an astonishing 8% increase since last year. BMI is giving "madd props" and attributing the rise to its robust music catalog, the successful licensing of music with a wide range of media, revenue growth in foreign markets, and corporate whores like will.i.am.

Revenues from various media sources, including cable, video services, and satellite audio, grew by $11 million, and revenue from restaurant, retail, and service establishments grew to more than $93 million. The overall estimate of record-setting revenues was over $839 million. This is a milestone for BMI, as these increases in revenue represent the highest annual revenues and royal distributions ever reported by a performing rights society.

So, I formally tip my hat to you, BMI, king of all kings. If it wasn't for your assimilation into the music world's current viral state, many of us would not have been accustomed to such musical honesty as that of will.i.am.

An excerpt from will.i.am's partially misogynistic hit, "I Got It From My Mama":

And if the girl real pretty,

Nine times out of ten,

She pretty like her mama.

And if her mama real ugly,

I guarantee ya she gon' be ugly like her mama.

Truer words have never been spoken. will.i.am. is like the Henry David Thoreau of our times, and BMI is like the family pencil factory that Thoreau worked at. And if that makes Fergie the current Ralph Waldo Emerson, then I would be obliged to say that we are in good hands. Cheers to you, BMI. Thanks for making 2007 "the year of years."

AIDS Wolf Tour; Jerry Seinfeld Asks Me to Ask You Guys What’s Up With All These “Wolf” Names

What does the phrase AIDS Wolf mean, anyway?

Are these guys silk-screeners or musicians? Pick a career and stick with it, I say.

It doesn't even seem like they're playing songs; what's the point of even picking up your instruments if you're just going to play music that hurts my ears? AIDS Wolf will never make a cent playing music like that!

What's the point of even starting a band, AIDS Wolf?

How much of AIDS Wolf's success is due to their packaging and image?

Does AIDS Wolf support the resignation of Senator Larry Craig?

One of the guys in AIDS Wolf wears glasses. Should I wear glasses?

Does AIDS Wolf want to hang out this weekend?

What's it mean if I find myself slowly switching from beer to hard alcohol?

If I come home and would rather think about AIDS Wolf instead of talking to my loved ones, should I be alarmed?

I haven't been sleeping that well lately, AIDS Wolf.

Does AIDS Wolf want a drink?

Is there anything I can do for AIDS Wolf?
09.16.07 - Ottawa, ON -.Zaphod's Beeblebrox w/ Smoke Judo $
09.17.07 - Toronto, ON -.Sneaky Dee's w/ Etaoin Shrdlu $
10.06.07 - Montreal, QC - Pop Montreal (Panache/Lovepump Showcase)
10.14.07 - Montreal, QC - Divan Orange *
10.15.07 - Quebec City, QC - Le Bal du Lezard *
10.16.07 - Halifax, NS - The Seahorse *
10.17.07 - Sackville, NB -.Mount Allison *
10.18.07 - Portland, ME - Geno's
10.19.07 - New York, NY - Knitting Factory #
10.21.07 - Annandale-on-Hudson, NY - Bard College *
10.22.07 - Albany, NY- Valentines w/ Bunnybrains
10.23.07 - Middletown, CT - Wesleyan College
10.24.07 - Hartford, CT - Charter Oak Center *
10.25.07 - Poughkeepsie, NY - Vassar College *
10.26.07 - Jamaica Plain, MA - The Milky Way *
10.27.07 - Providence, RI - As220 *, Made In Mexico
10.28.07 - Philadelphia, PA - COPY Gallery *
10.30.07 - Washington, DC - Velvet Lounge *
10.31.07 - Brooklyn, NY - Todd P NYC *
11.01.07 - Richd, VA - Nara Sushi
11.02.07 - Columbia, SC - House Party
11.03.07 - Tampa, FL - Skatepark of Tampa w/ Yip Yip
11.04.07 - Orlando, FL - BackBooth w/ Yip Yip
11.06.07 - Atlanta, GA - Lenny's Bar
11.07.07 - Birmingham, AL - Bottletree
11.08.07 - New Orleans, LA - Circle Bar
11.09.07 - Baton Rouge, LA - Spanish Moon
11.10.07 - Austin, TX - Emos w/ Monotonix, Young Widows
11.11.07 - Dallas, TX - All Public Trust (the new art prostitute) !
11.12.07 - Lubbock, TX - Jakes Backroom
11.13.07 - Las Cruces, NM - The Farm w/ Monotonix
11.14.07 - Phoenix, AZ - The Modified w/ Monotonix
11.16.07 - Los Angeles, CA - The Smell %
11.17.07 - San Francisco, CA - Bottom of The Hill w/ No Doctors, HEALTH
11.18.07 - Oakland, CA - 21 Grand w/ Monotonix, %
11.20.07 - Davis, CA -. Delta of Venus %
11.21.07 - Eureka, CA - Accident Gallery
11.23.07 - Portland, OR - Satyricon w/ Night Wounds, Get Hustle
11.24.07 - Vancouver, BC - La Casa Del Artista
11.25.07 - Seattle, WA - Comet Tavern
11.26.07 - Missoula, MT - Badlander
11.29.07 - St. Paul, MN - Turf Club
11.30.07 - East Moline, IL - Mixtapes
12.01.07 - Chicago, Il - Reggies Live

$ Ruins

*Old Time Relijun

% XBXRX

! Undoing of David Wright, Church of the Snake, El Paso Hot Button

# CMJ Showcase w/ RUINS, Old Time Relijun, PRE, Shellshag, Yip Yip, DMBQ, Final Flu, HEALTH, Monotonix

!!!: Getting You Laid Since 1996; Shake Your Ass On Their Upcoming Tour (With Someone Else!)

!!! (or chk chk chk) are a damn sexy band. And the best part? Hardly any "normal" people know who the hell they are or even how to say their name. So for simpletons with lofty ambitions of quick feet, bumping and grinding, they're the ultimate enablers. By no fault of their own, the New York City group has become the dance-punk name-drop of the moment, as The Rapture flounder and LCD Soundsystem bursts through the stratosphere. Trying to impress one of those "party" girls who might normally scoff at your pasty skin, timid demeanor and fragile frame? Just watch in awe as they can hardly contain themselves as soon as you drop some knowledge about your "all-time favorite band."

It might go a little something like this:

Pasty, Timid, Fragile Reader: Great party, eh?

Out-of-Your-League Person: OMG, I know! Don't you just love "Ay Bay Bay"? I could dance to this all night...

PTFR: Oh, is that what's playing? This isn't really my style... I usually stick with !!! and the like.

OOYLP: Excuse me? Are those real words?

PTFR: Actually, no. !!! are a band from New York City by way of Sacramento that plays pulsing and dynamic dance music. Their name is pronounced "chk chk chk" or any other combination of percussive noises, but when written out, it's spelled !!!. Edgy, right?

OOYLP: Tell me more; you're making me hot.

PTFR: Well, they're actually heading out on a tour later this month, hitting up all kinds of venues around the United States and a date in Canada. They're supporting their latest album, Myth Takes (TMT Review).

OOYLP: Oh, baby.

PTFR: Some of the songs groove so hard that you just need another body up against you.

OOYLP: Damn... do you wanna go upstairs?

It'd love to describe what happens at this point, but since this is a family-friendly site, I'm going to have to leave the rest up to your imagination. But let me just say that Myth Takes has some sexy grooves. When they come through your town, maybe you'll have someone to rub up against instead of awkwardly eyeing that stranger next to you in the front row. The bottom line? Flex this kind of tasteful prowess, and you'll be buying two tickets instead of one faster than you can say "Me And Giuliani Down By The Schoolyard (A True Story)."

Bring! A! Date!:

Spank Rock and Billy Blanks To Collaborate On New Exercise EP

Billy Blanks*, the inventor of Tae Bo and an influence on a national exercise fad of little-known rip-offs, is teaming up with Spank Rock on a new project. 2006's "colour/rock/rap/punk confusion" men-of-the-year Naeem Juwan and producer Alex Epton of Spank Rock have joined hands with the late-'90s exercise sensation (Billy Blanks, dude) to drop a new EP about losin' weight, gettin' drunk,' and poon ("dick" too!). Which, actually, go hand-in-hand, so it's about time someone released a beat-oriented rumination on weight-loss, alcohol consumption, and sex.

The new EP is called Beggars & Cash. MySpace will be debuting each track weekly starting September 6, culminating in an official release October 9. Not confident that Spank Rock can make great music? Just check out Fillmore's review of Spank Rock's debut album, YoYoYoYoYo here.... See, told you!

Here is the MySpace release schedule for the tracks:

September 6: "Shake That"

Septmber 13: "BOOTAY"

September 20: "Loose"

September 27: "Bitch"

* Apparently, Spank Rock isn't collaborating with Billy Blanks. He has been replaced last minute with Benny Blanco. Sorry for the mix up. Basically, the new EP is some mad tracks from producer Benny Blanco using samples from 2 Live Crew's catalog and some crazy vocal spitting by Spank Rock's Naeem Juwan. I have to admit, though, I would shake the fat right off my ass if Billy Blanks released Spank Rock exercise DVDs.

Morrissey to Tour For the Last Time in the “Foreseeable Future”; Robert Smith Cackles from Under a Bush

Moz: master of the pompadour and the sweet lamenting croon, but thankfully NOT of the “Hey let’s reunite even though we hate each other’s fucking guts, I’ll just do enough drugs with all this cash to not care” bandwagon that so many of our dearly non-departed '80s favorites have leaped upon, ripping their spandex in the process. Plenty of promoters sleazed around our boy in hopes of tempting him to get in on the action, but there will be no shows from The Smiths anytime soon. So sorry. You may go see The Cure if you wish. (I’m not so sure if I wish, but I am admittedly partial to Morrissey’s superior skills in hairstyling.)

HOWEVER! If you would like to gaze deeply into Mr. Moz’s limpid pools of angst and heartbreak without those pesky Smiths, please relocate to one of the cities listed below on the appropriate date. These venues have been specially chosen on account of their being “small and intimate,” according to a press release, “where Morrissey can see the eyes of everyone in the audience and those in attendance can be in the thick of it.” Whoa, looks like homeboy’s finally realizing the unfair amount of eyesex he’s been racking up all these years... I guess it’s time to give back.

Washed-Up Reunion Tours Give Moz a Thorn In His Side*:

*all dates with Kristeen Young

[Photo: Fabio Lovino]

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