OMG! Like Rick Rubin Totally Looks Like That Guy Who Made Me Play Mystery Box in 4th Grade! EWWW!

Rick Rubin is a producer. Rick Rubin is joining Columbia.

Matt Filcher is a child molester. Matt Filcher makes me play mystery box.

It began in 3rd grade but climaxed the spring of my 4th grade year. Everyday, Filcher would pick me up from school, even though he didn’t belong to my family, nor did any of my family members realize he was the one picking me up from school. He had candy, and I said “what the fuck, why not?” I got to sit in the back of his kick-ass van that had a sick side panel airbrushed with a wolf howling at the moon. I would eat all of the candy he gave me, and then we would stop off at his house for a quick game of mystery box. This involved what looked like an old Fila shoebox and a blindfold. Some days, he would make me guess what was in the box using only my hands. I would use what he called “super sleuth lotion” to help me identify the member, and then if I couldn’t guess the package, he made me rub it until it spit hot gel. Other days, I got to use my mouth. On those days, it never took me that long to make the object spit. It took almost two years for my parents to catch on to the game, and when they did, they got so damn mad! My mother cried a lot, and my dad just bitched about wanting to castrate Filcher. Whatever, I got so much free candy those years.

But this had a point. Rick Rubin is not Matt Filcher. There it is. Yeah, and Rubin has now joined Columbia Records and will partner with Columbia Records Group chairman Steve Barnett. And much like the diversity of a game of mystery box, Rubin’s new job will allow him to continue producing artists for Warner Bros.

My dad had this to say about Matt Filcher: “Filcher is an animal that does not deserve a second chance. I feel jail is an unfair punishment for this thing. I would much rather make bird seed out of his face.”

Steve Barnett had this to say about Rick Rubin: "Rick is a fantastic producer, tremendous with artists and has total respect within the industry as an honest man and a creative genius. It is a great opportunity for me to have in Rick a true creative partner."