OMG! Like Rick Rubin Totally Looks Like That Guy Who Made Me Play Mystery Box in 4th Grade! EWWW!

Rick Rubin is a producer. Rick Rubin is joining Columbia.

Matt Filcher is a child molester. Matt Filcher makes me play mystery box.

It began in 3rd grade but climaxed the spring of my 4th grade year. Everyday, Filcher would pick me up from school, even though he didn’t belong to my family, nor did any of my family members realize he was the one picking me up from school. He had candy, and I said “what the fuck, why not?” I got to sit in the back of his kick-ass van that had a sick side panel airbrushed with a wolf howling at the moon. I would eat all of the candy he gave me, and then we would stop off at his house for a quick game of mystery box. This involved what looked like an old Fila shoebox and a blindfold. Some days, he would make me guess what was in the box using only my hands. I would use what he called “super sleuth lotion” to help me identify the member, and then if I couldn’t guess the package, he made me rub it until it spit hot gel. Other days, I got to use my mouth. On those days, it never took me that long to make the object spit. It took almost two years for my parents to catch on to the game, and when they did, they got so damn mad! My mother cried a lot, and my dad just bitched about wanting to castrate Filcher. Whatever, I got so much free candy those years.

But this had a point. Rick Rubin is not Matt Filcher. There it is. Yeah, and Rubin has now joined Columbia Records and will partner with Columbia Records Group chairman Steve Barnett. And much like the diversity of a game of mystery box, Rubin’s new job will allow him to continue producing artists for Warner Bros.

My dad had this to say about Matt Filcher: “Filcher is an animal that does not deserve a second chance. I feel jail is an unfair punishment for this thing. I would much rather make bird seed out of his face.”

Steve Barnett had this to say about Rick Rubin: "Rick is a fantastic producer, tremendous with artists and has total respect within the industry as an honest man and a creative genius. It is a great opportunity for me to have in Rick a true creative partner."

Yet Another Biblical Prophecy Fulfilled; The Locust Will Tour Mexico and Europe

1 And the LORD said unto Moses, I heareth that thine children's hearts of Europa and Mesoamerica hath been mighty saddened by vile sappy indie rock. To which, Moses enquireth, Like The Hold Steady, my LORD?

2 And the LORD said unto Moses, yes, like The Hold Steady, although the new Arcade Fire sucketh pretty bad too:

3 And the LORD said further unto Moses, behold, thy children of Europa and Mesoamerica need weepeth no more, for beginning on the date of June the twenty second two thousand and seven, I your LORD will bring a plague of The Locust into thy coasts. And, verily, The Locust shall shreddeth thine ears; so that thy shall cover them with thy hands and, afterwards, thine ears shalt pisseth pure blood:

4 And they shall fill thy temples of musics at least fifteen to thirty percent full. And they shall createth a cackly spaz racket, with all electronic squiggles and stuff, which neither thy fathers, nor thy fathers' fathers have heareth, since the day that they were upon the earth unto this day.

5 And Moses said, We will go; our young and our slightly older than young, our sons and our daughters, with our flocks and with our herds will we go; for we must hold a feast unto the LORD at all temples that holdeth The Locust.

6 And the LORD said unto Moses, Do not bother taking thy flocks and herds, for they will thinketh this shite to not be rad:

7 And, verily, on many days from June the twenty second onwards, Moses stretched forth his rod over the lands of Mesoamerica and Europa, and the LORD brought a great westerly wind upon those lands all those days; and when it was evening in various parts of the aforementioned plains, the east wind brought The Locust. And, indeedeth, the children of Europa and Mesoamerica did fully rejoice.

8 And verily, the LORD said unto Moses, for the express purposes of this plague, Mesoamerica doth fully include Los Angeles.

Rampant teabagging to honour the memory of Jerry Falwell will take place at the following locations:

This is an Example of a Simile: North by Northeast Is Like South by Southwest (Only in Toronto, Instead of Austin); So in Some Regards, They’re Antonyms

I've never been to South by Southwest, but it seems like a drunken bacchanalia from the reviews I've read and pictures I've seen. It also seems like a lot of people can't get into the shows that they want to see, and the shows rarely start on time. I've also heard that Austin can get pretty hot, but maybe that's just in the summer. It also seems like there's a slurry of shit bands. But hell, what do I know? I've never been there.

So it's with some hesitation that I inform you of Toronto, Canada's 13th annual North by Northeast Music and Film Festival and Conference. You wouldn't find Boris playing the Mountain Dew stage or Jandek playing a church, but you might have a chance to see Dinosaur Jr if you are among the 100 lucky enough to have a delegate badge and/or wristband.

But I'm missing the point, really. The conference, lasting from June 7-10, is a gathering of music industry insiders, music fans, and over 450 bands spread across 30 Toronto venues. NXNE also showcases a film festival, playing, among other things, the documentary Kurt Cobain: About a Son.

And while there'll certainly be a fair number of shit bands (read, mediocre), NXNE does a better job at focusing on bands looking for their big break, not already broken (see Boris playing the SXSW Mountain Dew stage), so it serves a far greater philanthropic purpose.

Playing in addition to festival headliners Dinosaur Jr are Awesome Color, Uncut, You Say Party! We Say Die!, Icarus Line, and potential up-and-comers Sleeping in the Aviary. All 400+ bands are potential up-and-comers, truth be told, and the full band list can be viewed here.

If you live in the Toronto area or plan on being in the area, I'd recommend this opportunity to check out some bands. I'm sure just as much fun can be had in Toronto during NXNE as can be had in Austin during SXSW, but as I said earlier, I wouldn't know.

Lauryn Hill Comes Out of the Closet to Play Two West Coast Shows

On a dark winter day in the summer near the dumpster-divers and sewer rats of West Philly, I stumbled upon a gritty, old homeless man who claimed to be the ill-faded Wyclef Jean (I mean, ill-faded in the most generous way).

Emceegreg: Why, Wyclef... Is that you?

Wyclef Jean: Hell yeah. It's me son. Wanna buy a beat, boy?

Emceegreg: Uh, no. What the hell are you doing? Is that a turd that you're eating?

Wyclef Jean: Hell no, that ain't no turd. That's a steak, son [Clearly a turd]. Hey, aren't you that famous news reporter, Emceegreg? You're like the best Tiny Mix Tapes writer ever.

Emceegreg: I agree. Grant's okay, I guess. Seriously, what are you doing?

Wyclef Jean: I'm a refugee. And I'm on my way to Cali to see my girl Lauryn Hill play a couple special shows.

Emceegreg: Lauryn Hill? Who is that? I vaguely remember. Didn't Devendra Banhart cover that song she had?

Wyclef Jean: Dawg, she was in the Fugees! With me! Remember us? We were huge.

Emceegreg: Oh, now I sort of remember. Didn't Eminem diss her in a song about how she said she didn't like white people?

Wyclef Jean: No, she loves white people. In fact, I heard she's working with Mr. Bright Eyes himself, Conor Oberst, on her long-awaited upcoming album, Khulami Phase. Wait, you listened to Eminem?

Emceegreg: Uh, hey are you homeless now or something?

Wyclef Jean: Man, shit. I'm undercover. I'm looking for some fresh talent to record a new album, possibly cover another Bee Gees song, my son.

Then Pras walked by the two of us in a white sequin suit that read "Ghetto Superstar" and threw a handful of change at Wyclef. Wyclef screamed for him to come back. I walked back to my TMT limo, curling my handlebar mustache deviously. I was in deep thought, pondering how annoying Wyclef was in that damn Shakira song, wondering how Pras remained wealthy, and realizing that I had just banked a 5-star story for a 2-star publication. Score!

Lauryn Hill dates:
06.27.07 - Oakland, CA - Paramount Theater
06.29.07 - Palo, CA - Palomar Starlight

I am sure that everyone can think of at least one band that has a few top-flight songs, but they wouldn't classify any of that group's LPs as being front-to-back great. Maxïmo Park seem to be that kind of group. More than a handful of songs on the band's 2005 debut, A Certain Trigger (Warp), hit the mark, and their latest release, Our Earthly Pleasures (TMT Review), has almost as many great tunes. Hell, even Maxïmo Park's odds-and sods collection from 2006, Missing Songs (also Warp), has a couple gems.

When a band like this strikes out on a tour that will be hitting your city, your daydreams start to take over your mind. You think to yourself, "What if the band could somehow sync up with your thoughts, realize which of their songs you love, and only play those songs?" In other words, if they played your dream setlist, then it would most assuredly be an awesome show. On the flipside, if they choose to play many of the tracks you have deemed as filler from their discography, it will be boresville. I guess those are the risks associated with attending a show put on by the likes of Maxïmo Park. Peruse those dates below for MP's upcoming summer North American tour (with a couple extra European dates thrown in) and figure out whether or not you have the mettle to handle either outcome.

Tourdates:

VH1 Does TMT Huge Favor, Makes “Rock Honors” Largely Comical On Its Own

Dear Budweiser Dudes:

I totally l-o-v-e your f-ing hillarious "Real Men of Genius" ad campaign. I am su-uch a huge fan of Budweiser and of drinking beer in general... seriously, you don't even know!

Anyway, I have this idea for a new commercial for you guys. I just think it would go over like Gangbusters! Uh... do people still say "Gangbusters?" Whatevs, anyway... here's the script. Let me know what you think:

REAL MEN OF GENIUS

Announcer: Budweiser presents: Real Men of Genius.

Male Singer: Reeeeeeeeeeal men of geeeeeeeeeeeeeenius!!!

Announcer: This week we solute you, Mr. VH1 Rock Honors 2007 Planning Guy.

Male Singer: Mr. VH1RockHonors2007Plaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaningguy!!!

Announcer: In a world where most Organizations try to make their award shows relevant and meaningful... you couldn't care less, and neither could we.

Male Singer: Give meeeeeeee the VMA's!

Announcer: Most people would try to make sure that their line-up of talent was the best that money could buy, but not you, Mr. VH1 Rock Honors 2007 Planning Guy. You're too busy pumping that cash straight
down Flavor Flav's nose.

Girl Backup Singers: Oooh, sniff, sniff!

Announcer: Your honorees include the pointless likes of Genesis, Heart, ZZ Top, and the always-charming Ozzy Ozbourne... all of whom will be presided-over by television's least interesting of ugly rich kids: "Jackass" Star Bam Margera.

Male Singer: Wait, isn't thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat an MTV show??!?!?!

Announcer: And just in case this tepid list of Who-Cares-Who's-Who celebrities isn't enough to rope in your ambiguous demographic, you've also brought in the big guns: Nickelback... Gretchen Wilson... Keane... and your crowning achievement... the legendarily god-awful Alice In Chains... that's right, I said Alice In Chains.

Girl Backup Singers: You can't stop the Rooooooooster!!!

Announcer: But don't worry, Mr. VH1 Rock Honors 2007 Planning Guy, because your absurd list of hosts will pick up the slack. Who needs credibility when you've got such laughable presenters as Robin Williams, Billy Bob Thornton, Cameron Diaz, and even the biggest douche bag on television... Criss Angel?

Male Singer (impersonating Jonathan Davis): Miiiiiiiiiiind Freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeak!!!!

Announcer: So what are you waiting for? Crack open an ice-cold Bud Light, oh Impresario of the Illegitimate! Because come May 12, when this train wreck is taped at Las Vegas' Mandalay Bay Events Center and May 24, when this quote-unquote "special" airs on VH1, you'll be able to sit back and say to yourself: "So what if I lost my job at VH1? At least I'm not Layne Staley."

Male Singer: Mr. VH1 RockHonors2007PlaaaaaaaaaaaaaaningGuy!!!!

Announcer: Bud Light Beer: Anheuser-Busch Inc. St. Louis, Missouri.

Well? What do you guys think? Let me know.

Okay?

Okay.

I'll be here.

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