Pink Martini to Tour, Me to Play Six (or Fewer) Degrees of Bob Pacitti, Who Does Not Resemble Kevin Bacon in the Least But Does Enjoy My Dog Skip, Which Kevin Bacon Was In

Think of this story as your friendly dose of indie sugar, reader baby. That makes me Mary Poppins, and you one of those little British kids. That makes this story the medicine you need. That makes details about my dad your sugar.

Or, maybe, sweetheart, Portland-based Pink Martini could be Mary Poppins, and their music could be the medicine you need. Point is, in both sorely overwrought metaphors: you’re still one of the little British kids, and my dad is still the sugar. Accents ready? Sweet tooth polished? Good, baby, good.

Pink Martini is the Carrie-Bradshaw-girly-liquor-named brainchild of Harvard grad and concert pianist Thomas Lauderdale -- the 12-piece orchestra boasting cred ranging anywhere from a gig on Conan O’Brien, PBS, or with the Los Angeles Philharmonic, plus sold-out performances with the Boston Pops and a lesser-known appearance backing Al Green. Apparently, the band was formed to play at fundraisers for progressive causes. Which I suppose makes Al Green progressive by association.

Musical medicine, ladies and gents.

Additionally, please enjoy the following free associations linking my dad to the name Pink Martini:

1. My dad loves Cosmos. Cosmos are served exclusively to:
a. Rhinestone-assed adolescents drinking for the first time, with way prophetic flab creeping over their jeans. They drink Cosmos with other self-loathing fat girls and talk about hating boys and wanting mature men. They read a lot of teen pulp, like The Devil Wears Prada.

b. The divorced, leopard-printed, pseudo-empowered women they grow up to be. They like bars and ladies’ nights at over-30 clubs. Men. Telling themselves they haven’t gained weight and that they truly, madly, deeply value their female friendships. Not just lonely. They drink Cosmos with other self-loathing fat women and talk about hating men and wanting younger men. Additionally, they read/watch a lot of Nora Ephron.

Point (um...) being, my dad orders them at restaurants, almost exclusively. He went from straight up Belvedere with olives to Cosmos. He has not gone back. Interestingly enough, he always makes a polite point prior to publicly ordering this drink of choice to ask for a “White Cosmo,” an apparent more masculine option. No waiter has ever, in my presence, come back with this “White Cosmo.”

Yes, I’m talking Cosmos and the name involves a Martini. But typical Cosmos are pinkish. So are pink martinis. Connection. Free association is no cake-walk, reader. Sheesh.
2. My dad sleeps in the PM. These are the initials of Pink Martini.
3. ...
4. Got nothing...
5. ...My mom is a woman.
6. Women are associated to pink.
7. My dad is married to her.
8. ...
9. I just flew home for the weekend and my mom made me French toast, no questions asked

10. ..

11. Tourdates my dad will most likely not attend:

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Etc.